June 30th I set out to do a journey to positivity for the month of July. I didn’t know starting out that this month was going to to be the emotional roller coaster it has been for my family and I. All in all, in the midst of some really tumultuous times in my personal life I feel I was successful. Was everyday a ride on the “F-yeah Freight Train”, absolutely not. I didn’t manage to be rainbows, unicorns, sunshine and sparkling smiles everyday. I was never expecting a perfect journey, I just wanted to prove that I could have more good days than bad days. Some days were both. I would do really well all day, and then by that evening the exhaustion, frustration, tension and anxiety would set in and leave me irritated and impatient. I realized I am not very good at time management. Anyone who knows me is probably going “well I could’ve told you that.” I am chronically late for work. Even if I get up at 6:00am I somehow can’t seem to hit the mark when it comes to hitting that 8:00-9:00am start time. Granted, this month has been more challenging with having to keep up with calls from nurses, therapists, insurance, case managers and doctors. If I am honest I know that I am late most days regardless of the circumstances because my morning motivation doesn’t match my well-meaning intentions. I love my job, so it’s definitely a character flaw and not a situational issue. I am late to just about everything. Surprisingly I have only had to get a call one time for picking up a kid late this past school year. Then again I had one in school for 4 months in person. Anyways, my point is that I throw myself into something and if I’m interested I become hyper-focused and completely lose track of time. I forget anything else that is of importance. It’s amazing in some situations and quite hindering in others. I’ve allowed my journey to be more positive get in the way of being present with the people I love.
I am proud that most days this month I not only found more to be thankful for, but made a conscious effort to not allow things that would typically set me off on a spin of anxiety and negativity, to not affect my day, my attitude, or my thoughts. With this I was able to better give almost every situation a positive twist. I actually found myself a few times not even trying to readjust my viewpoint, I was already there without effort. I’m only human, so there were some days or moments where I let circumstances get the better of me. I did have a quicker rebound to positivity in most cases. There were times that I let the negativity take over and bleed into everything and everyone in close proximity. I can’t pretend that my anxiety disorder, add, C-PTSD, and depression don’t play a role just because I decided to be more in mindful of my attitude. Mental illness isn’t a choice as much as I wish it was. Trauma has lasting effects and I am still uncovering my damage. As I peel back the layers of that onion I am bound to find triggers and essentially reopening old wounds. Sometimes healing isn’t as pretty as it sounds.
There are goals I met with little effort. Others I struggled with but I reached them. While others I failed at miserably. I continued therapy and even switched to a new therapist who is better suited to help me with C-PTSD and healing my trauma. She is also more my style and speed. So far things look good. In addition to that goal I began attending a processing group for trauma and anxiety. It was really helpful. I made time most everyday to meditate, write, and do positive affirmations almost everyday. If I didn’t do one I did the other two everyday.
I found myself meditating at least twice a day just to release the tension that builds up through out the day and soothe some of my anxiety. I found an amazing app that I love for meditation called “Primed Mind”. I’ve tried “Calm” and “Headspace”, but they never really stuck. I couldn’t ever seem to quiet my thoughts in those. Primed zones me out and offers SEVERAL focus areas for the meditation. I only found it because I stumbled across it on YouTube looking for new approaches to calm anxiety. I remember I did it in my car the first time in my driveway. My neck and shoulder felt like they were seized up with all the tension and a vise grip was locking it in place. I couldn’t get it to release. I did the “Relaxation Hypnosis” and after 15 minutes I was stunned that my shoulder had nearly completely relaxed. I was hooked right then. Once I learned they had an app I downloaded it immediately. I have an 11 day streak and nearly 400 minutes of meditation time on my tracker. I’m pretty proud of that!
I threw myself into this and kind of just went for it. I didn’t have any clear direction or discipline. It’s been a hard month for us. Overall, even with the circumstances that have surrounded 2’s hospitalizations , I think I was meant to focus on my mindset. That focus on staying positive has helped me get through a month where previously I would’ve been more likely to allow my own mental illness take the wheel. It hasn’t been easy and it has taken a conscious effort to take each day, and sometimes each moment as it comes. I fully plan to keep some of the habits I have established. Meditation for my sanity with “Primed Mind” and to keep the anxiety along with my stress at bay as much as possible. Manifesting and journaling will continue to be in my routine. Positive affirmations also have helped me to counteract my negative self talk.
So where did I fail? I get bored so if I’m not interested, I’m not listening to it or reading it. My time management lacked luster to say the least. I was late consistently. I spent more time than necessary trying to fix my mood myself instead of spending time with people. I didn’t stick to a bedtime routine, I was up super late per usual most nights. I didn’t make the budget. I never finished my vision board. I didn’t do something nice for myself or have a girl’s day. I also had several days, probably seven or eight where I just decided to to let the negativity win and I didn’t feel I had the strength to fight it. Especially right after 2 went to treatment.
Now I look to August. I have big goals for August. Lots of goals. They won’t be centered on myself though. I am ready for new challenges and really excited for the month ahead. I know good things are coming our way. I know that I am changing, healing and growing and I am proud of that. I am ready for this journey to be more fun and less stress! After all, we only have one life to live, it’s time to make it count! ☮️❤️🙂