Category: Don’t Stop, Won’t stop, Can’t Stop

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What the Funk?

Yesterday, I posted Funked Up. I have been racking my brain all day, meditating, reading, writing and stimulating my vagus nerve. {it actually helped} I think I’ve determined the culprit, but I’m going to have to see how it plays out. Per usual I decided to put an actionable plan in place. It starts with today.

I decided I don’t want to feel shitty today and I don’t want to feel that way all week again without knowing why. If I spot the why maybe I could fix it. Well I combed over {and probably over analyzed} my major sources of stress. I came up with several.

  • Time Management
  • My threefold
  • Work
  • Relationship
  • Money
  • Divorce

With these in mind I asked myself what I could do, change, or begin to make myself less stressed in these areas. How can I resolve some stress and defunkify my demeanor? I can’t blame everything on everyone else or my past nor present circumstances. If I want something to change then I have to be the one to change it or change my perspective on it. It’s easier said than done.

Time Management: I am chronically late. It’s an issue, it’s become more of an issue most likely because no one makes it an issue. I’ve never been scolded and always just been the running joke at work. My boss is super understanding with me, but if I’m honest, I have to say I take advantage of that. More than I should. Yes, I’m a single {ish} mom on the responsibility front. Yes, I get my threefold to school each day, but I take my time in the morning. I don’t rush because it flusters me. I like to mentally prepare. I want to make sure the morning routine is complete. If it is going to add to my frustration then I should change it.

I also tend to use my time unwisely. I have no dedicated ‘office time’ so I am constantly starting and stopping projects. This leads to disorganization and a lot of moments feeling like I forgot to do something and making mental notes in my head of what I need to do next. Even with writing I procrastinate unless it’s just all flooding to me. It’s not going to write itself!

I don’t spend the quality time with the people I love when I’m wrapped up in writing or work. I’m not present. My mind is on my next goal and accomplishing it. I’m awesome at setting goals, but I haven’t put enough focus on my goals outside of my own growth, professional and creative areas of life. This will change. I’m certain of it.

My Threefold is amazing and they are really good kids {most days} but just like all kids they can irritate me and poke at that bear inside of me. They are funny, but sometimes they don’t see when I am tolerating smart ass remarks because they’re funny and when I get annoyed and it’s time to stop. The oldest two are struggling with their youngest sister. The added arguing and the inconsistency from my end on discipline has made it easier for them to just shrug off my first through tenth request. I hate yelling and I hate punishing but I know that they need the boundaries to be made clear. This is certainly about to change as well.

At Work, I makes BIG goals and take on large lists of responsibilities. If I’m not on my ‘A game’ then it is difficult to manage it. I get irritated when I took it upon myself to do it. I don’t ask for help and I make myself crazy trying to juggle everything. I sell more than 98% of my company nationwide, yet I always want to beat my last big sale. I’m competitive and driven. I am also stubborn and stressed to the max. I love a challenge, but when the challenge gets overloaded with another and another that’s when those turn to feeling burnt out. It’s time I restructure my goals and accept my abilities are that of a normal human, not a superhuman sales god that can manage it all alone.

In my personal relationships, I tend to assume the worst. I’m not as receptive to criticism or advice as I am from people at work. I am quick to become aggravated and defensive if I perceive someone is being condescending or overly critical. I feel I need to explain it and explain it and keep explaining it. When I feel unheard I repeat myself over and over in different ways. I also am quick to shut down and walk away. I want to change that into more positive interactions and stop assuming the worst from those that love me.

Money is my biggest stressor. I put emphasis on it and have this need for financial security {which I don’t have right now} When my money is out of whack, everything is off kilter for me. I’m working on big changes here and I’m ready to see them finally pay off, literally!

Finally, damn divorce court and the dynamics of the divorced relationship. I made some shocking discoveries this week that totally made me realize just how much this person truly wants to see us suffer. I’ve given power back to someone I said I wouldn’t by allowing their actions to control my reactions. With trial looming over me and my overthinking nature I’ve been quite anxious. I’m ready for the final decree after 2 years due to delays and Covid and all the bullshit in between. I’m ready to just feel like if nothing else that part is done. I am so ready for that part of the process. In the meantime I have to remember who I’m dealing with. I also have to remember that it’s my decision who and what I allow to affect my energy and steal my peace. Believe me, HE doesn’t deserve anymore of it!

How am I going to fix 6 major issues and decrease my stress while increasing my productivity? That’s what today has been spent, planning my strategy to debunk the funk. Once it’s completely compiled and ready to put into action then I will debrief you on my debunking the funk debacle! In the mean time stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Funked Up

How many times have I said I don’t have the time? I don’t have time for myself, I don’t have time to clean, I don’t have time…fill in the blank. I put the PRO in procrastination, because I’m a damn professional when it comes to putting it off until the last minute. I have always been this way. I don’t know why either. I know I have anxiety. I know it’s going to increase that anxiety threefold and make me irritable. Why do I do that to myself? How the hell do I fix it?

I’ve been in a funk all week. I’ve been as busy as gets at work. I’m drained of all niceties by the time I get home at 6:30pm. My ‘me time’ for meditation has doubled this week in response, yet within minutes I’m back to square one with my attitude. Funky and foul. I go into the day with good intentions and bam something happens {a mild inconvenience or an assumed backhand comment} I’m immediately spiraling into negativity and irritation. What gives? I’m taking my meds. The kids are healthy and stabile {for the most part} The bills are paid. The sex life is stellar. I’m doing my positivity push. I’m just not sure.

What the hell is wrong? Why am I ready to throw down and so on edge? I’ve been just a mess of up and down all week. THAT is pissing me off as much as anything else. I can’t even seem to find my focus. I sat down and did a spreadsheet today, but I hated every mindless second. I went and began a paragraph of three different blog posts, yet a week later and nothing has been published. I haven’t even been on social media {other than the family group chat with the kids and my make you gag conversations with ‘E’} I’ve barely cleaned and I haven’t cooked. I started an interesting book I haven’t finished. I even started my own first chapter and stopped. I am at a standstill with my personal life as my professional life continues to go at full speed.

I’m burning myself out at work. I love my job, but the list of to do’s grows longer each day. I’m beginning to beg to lock myself away there just to catch up. I find myself calling customers on lunch and responding to emails at night. I even talk about work at home as ‘E’ and I work at the same company. He left town this week {short trip} and came home to an empty house for the first time without the normal enthusiastic greeting of #2 who usually tracks his every move. I have an assignment for therapy I haven’t touched. I feel so unaccomplished in my personal life. Our real talk roundtable {family dinner} dwindled down to two nights this week. I’m just not myself. Where am I?

I’m not depressed or manic. I’m just blah. Maybe it’s the season? Maybe it’s the looming court date that I feel unprepared for? Maybe it’s the increased arguments at home? Maybe it’s the feeling like I am struggling too much financially to work as hard as I do? Maybe it’s my feelings that all that work is still not enough? Maybe it’s PMDD {hormones blow}

I know you make time for priorities. I know I have time. I know I’m going to be responsible for fixing whatever it is that’s bugging me. It’s not going to just disappear. I wish I liked peanuts, I’d almost be willing to try a snickers! Something has to give and I have to figure it out! I am impatient and I want to fix it NOW! It’s time to conjure a funk-free formula! Help a girl out y’all! How do you defunkify your energy? When you start the funk free fall when all else has failed? Trying to…Be Positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Leave your tips in the comments! I would appreciate the assist! I need your best defunking devices and actionable advice! ❤️

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Saving my Sanity

I don’t know how I’ve survived the past 17 years of being a parent to three girls, my threefold. How have I managed to only have been in a psych ward that one time? {that had nothing to do with my kids, it was all my lovely mental illness making itself known} I’m not sure why it took me this long to find my sanity saving secrets. I wanted to share though, in case anyone else has found themselves losing their patience, becoming the snappy, irritable, on edge momster, or needed a sanity saving technique.

Thankfully I have a great medication regimen right now that is my real saving Grace, but not everyone requires medication. Everyone does require self care and some type of sanity saving solutions to manage stress. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout and worry are all part of life. Everyone experiences it, but if there is a way to manage it without having a meltdown, blowout fights, emotional breakdown or pulling out your hair then I’m down to give it a go. I’ll try anything twice, just in case the first time was a fluke or flounder.

When I can’t get out of a funk and nothing else is working I have found some helpful sanity savers that make it easier for me to maintain my composure. Don’t knock it til’ ya try it type solutions. It took a while for me to find the best methods for me. I went through a shit ton of unhelpful methods before I found my sanity saving solutions. What works for you could be found in some trial and error, and it’s worth the effort. It’s self care at its core. If you tell me you don’t have time, I will laugh at you. If I can find time even with my threefold, a full time job, umpteen appointments, a relationship, a blog, and everything else in between…so can you, pumpkin.

My Sanity Saving Solutions

  • MEDITATION!
  • MANIFESTATION
  • GRATITUDE JOURNAL
  • DAILY GOALS

I meditate 2-3 times per day, sometimes more. Sounds crazy and some people say it’s nonsense, but it works! Mindfulness and meditation is proven to be helpful for people who are stressed, overwhelmed or anxious. It improves patience, focus, positivity, calms your nervous system, and relaxes you. It is even recommended for chronic pain as a form of relief. It’s my go to when I’m overly stressed or irritated. Even my threefold now will ask me if I’ve meditated. I’m just more centered and focused.

I do my manifestation journaling or ‘scripting’ usually at least once per day. My morning madness usually has at least 10-15 minutes carved into it for my daily manifestation journal. I try to do this in my evening meditation also for my broader goals and aspirations. Some days I skip this, but I’ve found setting my intentions for the day in writing really keeps them top of mind and helps guide me through overcoming any obstacles. My daily goals are reached more easily and consistently when I manifest how my day will go. I’ve had amazing success with my evening manifest sessions as well. When I went back and looked through my manifest journal from 2021 and reviewed the goals I set I could clearly see where nearly everything I manifested I received.

The gratitude journal is what gives you the ‘attitude of gratitude’ it’s a cheesy saying, but it fits the bill. I’m rolling with it. You can’t be grateful and negative simultaneously. It’s impossible to be thankful for your blessings and be in a bad mood. This is why the gratitude journal is at the heart of my routine and is what forms the base of meditation as well as manifestation.

I use my gratitude journal to remind me of everything I have to be grateful for. I can usually consistently spout out about fifteen or so reasons I’m grateful each day. Some are simple, like caffeine. Others are more complex concepts, for example, my capabilities. I have noticed a shift in my mood when I am showing gratitude and when I write down what I’m grateful for not just have these occur in passing thoughts. It’s an intentional show of gratitude.

I make a list every night of the goals I want to accomplish the next day. They have three main focus areas: mood/attitude, work, and family. Those can be different for everyone. The intentional goals I set out to achieve each day are the action items that I am able to do each day to reach my larger goals for the month and year. It’s about the long game, but it is done in the steps taken each day. Most large goals won’t be achieved in just a few days, so that’s why I break them up into mini-goals that are attainable and show my progress. My progress is what builds my confidence. Every day isn’t perfect, but I am capable of achieving these mini-goals. When they are achieved it’s a confidence booster. When they aren’t I can still move to the next day knowing it was only one day. Setbacks are normal and don’t define you. Don’t let one bad day decide that you are not going to achieve the big goals.

Some people say this is all crap, hokey and don’t believe in having an attitude of gratitude, manifestation or meditation. I do. I believe it because it has worked for me. It has changed my mindset. I am much more positive about my life. I truly believe whatever you put out into the universe you receive. If I put out positive vibes and give off positive energy, that’s what I receive. The opposite is just as true. You know that saying ‘negativity breeds negativity’ well it’s true. If you go into any situation with a negative mindset I guarantee you will find every obstacle and barrier. You will find fault. You will find the failure you’ve convinced yourself that is there waiting for you. If you go into that same situation with a positive mindset and positive intentions I guarantee you’re going to be more able to conquer those hurdles that you face and more determined to succeed because you’ve told yourself you CAN do it. That’s what manifestation is doing for you. You are setting your positive intentions and you’re telling yourself it is possible.

If you can see yourself doing it and can write it as if it’s already yours or already happening, it is then you’ve manifested. It’s the mind trick that makes you feel that positive energy. See it coming to fruition, feel the emotions of that experience, write your intentions and then go do it and prepare for that all to be done. That’s why meditation and manifestation go hand in hand. Both of these have to have a foundation of gratitude behind them to be successful.

I meditate first in order to clear my mind of the clutter and become centered. My next step is a manifestation meditation. I then write down my manifestation to solidify it. After these steps, I turn to my gratitude journal to say thank you for what I have now. I then set my goals for the next day. All in all it is more or less an hour of time that I set aside to center in on myself. To some an hour per day seems impossible, but it’s worth the time to choose you. It’s definitely customizable to you, but I feel an hour is a fair accounting though sometimes it’s longer for me and other times I spend less time than that. Most of the time the majority of that time is spent in meditation and manifestation, which typically have about 15-20 minutes tied to each. I can get carried away in the scripting part of manifestation spending a chunk of that time in this area. My gratitude and goal setting is pretty straightforward and typically take the least amount of time. On busy days, I will separate these out, so I’m not spending that hour all at once, but on days where I’m particularly out of center I will set aside the full hour and just do it. When I can set that aside I will also go full out as that’s what has the most benefit for me.

To each their own, but this routine has really impacted my life in a positive way. It’s my sanity saving solution. My threefold and ‘E’ are pretty good these days not to interrupt mommy’s me time. They have noticed the positive difference it makes in my attitude and my ability to keep my cool amongst our chaotic life. It’s an important part of my life these days and a solution I wish I had found much earlier in life. This is why I wanted to share it with everyone else! Stay positive people! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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The Ghosts of Shitmas Past

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope you all are enjoying the family fun, the traditions, hunting for the perfect gifts for your favorite people, and the many fun moments that the holiday season brings. I’m a mess at Christmas every year. I tend to overthink every detail {thanks anxiety} and let the stress bring out my inner grinch! It’s not that I don’t love Christmas, I do! It’s that I never seem to make it the Christmas I envisioned for mythreefold and I.

Christmas has been hard for me for 14 years now. {No #2 not because of you} It’s been the heaviness around the holidays that makes me nearly unbearable. Christmas means so much to me. It’s always been the biggest celebration of the year for me especially growing up and into my early adulthood. I looked forward to Christmas and the hustle bustle. I loved every aspect from the Christmas music, decorations, cooking, shopping and all the gatherings. Now I still love these things but it’s so different than it used to be way back then.

My mom loved Christmas. She went all out at Christmas. We were so spoiled. She didn’t think about the money except that she made sure it was ‘fair’ across the board. She was going to spend close to the same amount on each kid and she would wrap strategically to make sure the number of presents we each had to open was the same. She knew that we wonder as kids why someone got more than we did. I’ve adopted that thought process as how I have done with my threefold too. My mom held all the cards at Christmas and she knew how to play them. Every Christmas I can remember with her was always magical. The floor covered with presents, the baking, the decorations inside and out. Everything was spot on. I will always remember she was so excited to give us everything on our list and stuff you forgot you said you wanted months prior. As I got older I caught onto her theme. The presents always were numbered. The first few were the smaller things and the less expensive. The further you got into the gifts they would get a little more extravagant. You would open them all one at a time and it was rotated. One kid opens, then the next, another and so on. She was insistent on one person at a time because she wanted to see the reaction and the happiness on your face. The end was the big finale. Everyone would think it was over and be looking through their things and she would sneak away. When she came back she would have a final gift for everyone. It would be the best gift ever, every year, without fail it was always the perfect gift. One year we got a Disney cruise vacation, another I got my first puppy that I had for 14 years. Another it was a four wheeler. Game systems, voice lessons for a year, a car. It was over the top in every way. She was like this with everyone. If you were coming to Christmas at my momma’s you were getting the Christmas you never knew existed outside of Hallmark movies.

After mom died, Christmas became disappointing and those big family meals on Christmas, the Santa gifts, the floor to ceiling stacks of gifts all died with her. We went from having Christmas morning breakfast and Santa with our little family to Christmas Day dinner with my momma to not celebrating together until weeks or months later some years. We would all have several family gatherings to attend with grandparents, in-laws and extended family. Somehow that all disappeared too. Suddenly, Christmas was optional for our family when before it was mandatory attendance and shared calendars to coordinate our multiple family gatherings. I might see my dad or I might not. My brother and I haven’t seen each other on Christmas in years. I’ve been to a handful of Christmas gatherings over the years with my grandparents and extended family. It lost the magic it once had. I hate it’s so hard to get everyone in the same place now for anything.

In addition to not having that experience with my parents, brother, nieces and nephews and extended family, I now feel all the pressure to recreate the magic for my threefold and our little family. Unfortunately I have yet to be able to. My finances don’t allow for the big presents and the thousands of dollars I didn’t realize my mom was spending to make that magic for us. I have a difficult time getting just the few things I do. It’s not all about the money, it’s about so much more.

The past Christmases that my threefold experienced that I was shut down and didn’t want to celebrate at all because I was feeling like I wasn’t giving them enough. My anxiety over family gatherings and having to take my threefold to most of them alone. The Christmas they didn’t get anything. The Christmas that I fought with their dad so much they all scattered into hiding. The Christmas their presents were taken away as cruel punishment. Every year has been marked with some shit memory turning Christmas into yet another Shitmas.

Last year, I wanted the big Christmas, but I had just gotten our home and made sure it had the stuff we needed like lights, water, wifi, and they each had rooms where they needed to have things. I wanted the big Christmas and I wanted to for once my way! I didn’t have anyone telling me what I could do with my money and I didn’t have to go by the lists that someone else decided was what I could buy or how much I could spend. Unfortunately, my financial situation was the determining factor in the end. With it being amidst the pandemic we didn’t get to even go celebrate with people.

This year, we’ve added more people to the celebration and into our family. With my bonus kid and with ‘E’ here I want even more this year to be special. I want our first Christmas as a family to be one for the books. A memory they can hold onto forever. It’s been such a difficult year and we have overcome so much. All of DEFCON Four {my term when speaking about all 4 of the girls} have accomplished, overcome and grown so much that I feel I should celebrate the end of a hard year with this big Christmas celebration. The last thing I want this year is to have another Shitmas where they are disappointed or feel bad about asking for anything.

I’m trying to summon my inner resourceful Rhonda and make this that big Christmas that we haven’t had. I’ve started finding new traditions and found things that they enjoy. I don’t have it all together and will probably be a hot mess mom riding the bipolar express until Christmas, but I’m determined to give them this unforgettable Christmas. It’s the last Christmas before #1 of my threefold goes to college and it’s the first family Christmas where I anticipate it being better than the many Shitmases from before. I may not pull it off, but if I give up I know I won’t have even a chance. No one can create that Christmas magic now except for this momma for my own DEFCON Four. That’s my plan! That’s my goal! Have a very Merry Christmas y’all! ☮️❤️😊🎄~ M