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What the Funk?

Yesterday, I posted Funked Up. I have been racking my brain all day, meditating, reading, writing and stimulating my vagus nerve. {it actually helped} I think I’ve determined the culprit, but I’m going to have to see how it plays out. Per usual I decided to put an actionable plan in place. It starts with today.

I decided I don’t want to feel shitty today and I don’t want to feel that way all week again without knowing why. If I spot the why maybe I could fix it. Well I combed over {and probably over analyzed} my major sources of stress. I came up with several.

  • Time Management
  • My threefold
  • Work
  • Relationship
  • Money
  • Divorce

With these in mind I asked myself what I could do, change, or begin to make myself less stressed in these areas. How can I resolve some stress and defunkify my demeanor? I can’t blame everything on everyone else or my past nor present circumstances. If I want something to change then I have to be the one to change it or change my perspective on it. It’s easier said than done.

Time Management: I am chronically late. It’s an issue, it’s become more of an issue most likely because no one makes it an issue. I’ve never been scolded and always just been the running joke at work. My boss is super understanding with me, but if I’m honest, I have to say I take advantage of that. More than I should. Yes, I’m a single {ish} mom on the responsibility front. Yes, I get my threefold to school each day, but I take my time in the morning. I don’t rush because it flusters me. I like to mentally prepare. I want to make sure the morning routine is complete. If it is going to add to my frustration then I should change it.

I also tend to use my time unwisely. I have no dedicated ‘office time’ so I am constantly starting and stopping projects. This leads to disorganization and a lot of moments feeling like I forgot to do something and making mental notes in my head of what I need to do next. Even with writing I procrastinate unless it’s just all flooding to me. It’s not going to write itself!

I don’t spend the quality time with the people I love when I’m wrapped up in writing or work. I’m not present. My mind is on my next goal and accomplishing it. I’m awesome at setting goals, but I haven’t put enough focus on my goals outside of my own growth, professional and creative areas of life. This will change. I’m certain of it.

My Threefold is amazing and they are really good kids {most days} but just like all kids they can irritate me and poke at that bear inside of me. They are funny, but sometimes they don’t see when I am tolerating smart ass remarks because they’re funny and when I get annoyed and it’s time to stop. The oldest two are struggling with their youngest sister. The added arguing and the inconsistency from my end on discipline has made it easier for them to just shrug off my first through tenth request. I hate yelling and I hate punishing but I know that they need the boundaries to be made clear. This is certainly about to change as well.

At Work, I makes BIG goals and take on large lists of responsibilities. If I’m not on my ‘A game’ then it is difficult to manage it. I get irritated when I took it upon myself to do it. I don’t ask for help and I make myself crazy trying to juggle everything. I sell more than 98% of my company nationwide, yet I always want to beat my last big sale. I’m competitive and driven. I am also stubborn and stressed to the max. I love a challenge, but when the challenge gets overloaded with another and another that’s when those turn to feeling burnt out. It’s time I restructure my goals and accept my abilities are that of a normal human, not a superhuman sales god that can manage it all alone.

In my personal relationships, I tend to assume the worst. I’m not as receptive to criticism or advice as I am from people at work. I am quick to become aggravated and defensive if I perceive someone is being condescending or overly critical. I feel I need to explain it and explain it and keep explaining it. When I feel unheard I repeat myself over and over in different ways. I also am quick to shut down and walk away. I want to change that into more positive interactions and stop assuming the worst from those that love me.

Money is my biggest stressor. I put emphasis on it and have this need for financial security {which I don’t have right now} When my money is out of whack, everything is off kilter for me. I’m working on big changes here and I’m ready to see them finally pay off, literally!

Finally, damn divorce court and the dynamics of the divorced relationship. I made some shocking discoveries this week that totally made me realize just how much this person truly wants to see us suffer. I’ve given power back to someone I said I wouldn’t by allowing their actions to control my reactions. With trial looming over me and my overthinking nature I’ve been quite anxious. I’m ready for the final decree after 2 years due to delays and Covid and all the bullshit in between. I’m ready to just feel like if nothing else that part is done. I am so ready for that part of the process. In the meantime I have to remember who I’m dealing with. I also have to remember that it’s my decision who and what I allow to affect my energy and steal my peace. Believe me, HE doesn’t deserve anymore of it!

How am I going to fix 6 major issues and decrease my stress while increasing my productivity? That’s what today has been spent, planning my strategy to debunk the funk. Once it’s completely compiled and ready to put into action then I will debrief you on my debunking the funk debacle! In the mean time stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Funked Up

How many times have I said I don’t have the time? I don’t have time for myself, I don’t have time to clean, I don’t have time…fill in the blank. I put the PRO in procrastination, because I’m a damn professional when it comes to putting it off until the last minute. I have always been this way. I don’t know why either. I know I have anxiety. I know it’s going to increase that anxiety threefold and make me irritable. Why do I do that to myself? How the hell do I fix it?

I’ve been in a funk all week. I’ve been as busy as gets at work. I’m drained of all niceties by the time I get home at 6:30pm. My ‘me time’ for meditation has doubled this week in response, yet within minutes I’m back to square one with my attitude. Funky and foul. I go into the day with good intentions and bam something happens {a mild inconvenience or an assumed backhand comment} I’m immediately spiraling into negativity and irritation. What gives? I’m taking my meds. The kids are healthy and stabile {for the most part} The bills are paid. The sex life is stellar. I’m doing my positivity push. I’m just not sure.

What the hell is wrong? Why am I ready to throw down and so on edge? I’ve been just a mess of up and down all week. THAT is pissing me off as much as anything else. I can’t even seem to find my focus. I sat down and did a spreadsheet today, but I hated every mindless second. I went and began a paragraph of three different blog posts, yet a week later and nothing has been published. I haven’t even been on social media {other than the family group chat with the kids and my make you gag conversations with ‘E’} I’ve barely cleaned and I haven’t cooked. I started an interesting book I haven’t finished. I even started my own first chapter and stopped. I am at a standstill with my personal life as my professional life continues to go at full speed.

I’m burning myself out at work. I love my job, but the list of to do’s grows longer each day. I’m beginning to beg to lock myself away there just to catch up. I find myself calling customers on lunch and responding to emails at night. I even talk about work at home as ‘E’ and I work at the same company. He left town this week {short trip} and came home to an empty house for the first time without the normal enthusiastic greeting of #2 who usually tracks his every move. I have an assignment for therapy I haven’t touched. I feel so unaccomplished in my personal life. Our real talk roundtable {family dinner} dwindled down to two nights this week. I’m just not myself. Where am I?

I’m not depressed or manic. I’m just blah. Maybe it’s the season? Maybe it’s the looming court date that I feel unprepared for? Maybe it’s the increased arguments at home? Maybe it’s the feeling like I am struggling too much financially to work as hard as I do? Maybe it’s my feelings that all that work is still not enough? Maybe it’s PMDD {hormones blow}

I know you make time for priorities. I know I have time. I know I’m going to be responsible for fixing whatever it is that’s bugging me. It’s not going to just disappear. I wish I liked peanuts, I’d almost be willing to try a snickers! Something has to give and I have to figure it out! I am impatient and I want to fix it NOW! It’s time to conjure a funk-free formula! Help a girl out y’all! How do you defunkify your energy? When you start the funk free fall when all else has failed? Trying to…Be Positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Leave your tips in the comments! I would appreciate the assist! I need your best defunking devices and actionable advice! ❤️

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Betty White the Myth & Legend: My Short Tribute

I was devastated to hear about Betty White today. She was the tv grandmother everyone wanted! She was wildly inappropriate, hilarious, charismatic, unfiltered and unapologetic. She had that little old lady charm and class, but behind her petite frame she was a fireball! She is the epitome of everything I want to be when I grow up! In other words, she is my spirit animal! I honestly thought she might be immortal! Betty White definitely taught us a valuable lesson: Laughter is the BEST medicine. Her spirit and her sense of humor will be immortalized for years to come.

Here’s to an icon. Rest In Peace Betty White! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Overloaded, Overwhelmed and OVER IT!

My life is moving way too fast. With treatment, therapy, school, medication management, psychiatry, dentist, doctors, ball practice, work, and all the other errands that life has I am tired! I’ve always respected single mothers as hardworking and patient people. I honestly never gave them the credit they deserved. It took becoming one and losing my support system nearby to see how hard it is to have it all on you. I wish I had people nearby I could turn to and ask for help from, but unfortunately long-distant support isn’t able to pick up the kids from school or watch them so you can go to the store alone. If you aren’t able to put your needs last this single parent life is not for you!

I had to laugh audibly when my psychiatrist asked me Tuesday if I made any time for “self-care”…my response was probably not one that was expected, but it was honest. I don’t have time to take a shower sometimes, when I do I’m so exhausted I don’t even care if I smell like the back end of a Chuck E Cheese in the middle of summer mixed with McDonald’s onions, I want to chill out. Unfortunately Anxiety creeps up and taps my shoulder and says “you forgot this…and this…and this…and this”. Some days I just want to scream and throw things! I can’t though because I’m the “mental health mom”. I can’t react…I have to respond. Constantly being aware of other people’s needs gives you compassion fatigue and eventually you explode. You can’t put others first all the time and lose yourself in that, you’ll resent the people you put ahead of yourself. Then the next stage is burn out.

I’ve been worn thin over the past several months. My time and attention is being split between personal, family, work, and home. I feel like I can’t fully focus on any area without another area interfering or me constantly thinking about it. I’ve been trying to manage it all, but there has been no relief, in fact it’s only gotten harder for me to keep up with the pace.

This week after my ex called to tell my threefold that he was going to check himself into a facility to “get help” I found myself more angry. I was asking myself why I was so mad and I think I was actually jealous. Not really, but I’m a way, yes I was. He has hardly anything to do with my threefold. He rarely helps financially. He doesn’t help with logistics. He has made everything hell for me and it’s been a fight to receive any communication, rarely civil. He still manages to hurt my threefold even from a distance. He hurts them if he is around and his lack of effort hurts them too. I had reached my breaking point when 2, who has just gotten out of the hospital and is still in treatment, said she was glad he was getting help and hopefully if he was able to get help she would be willing to try and work on their relationship. Her sweet and hope filled statement got her a quick “I don’t have time for your ultimatums right now. I can’t do this sh!t with you.” She was devastated and then so angry. So much we had an emergency session at 10pm for therapy for risk management. Then 1 was up, she kept it brief and simple, but she was sad. Then 3, she screamed and cried and screamed some more. My initial reaction of being mad at him for getting to live life without responsibilities, no job, no kids, no cares for anyone but himself morphed into concern and pain for my threefold.

The next 48 hours were trying and difficult. I got very little sleep as I was worried feeling I needed to be the night nurse and check on my threefold through the night hours. We had four therapy sessions in 24 hours the emergency 10pm, one for 3, one for myself and a family session for all of us. I was scared for my threefold. I knew it was going to be hard on them and 3 she was experiencing her first huge disappointment from her father. She had defended his every action and suddenly the anger from his abandonment rose to the surface. In an instant all of it came out and it oozed out for days. All of my threefold were angry and they were displaying that anger in all different ways. It was time for me to stop being the chaos coordinator and go into risk management mode. I knew that we had to avoid crisis management at all costs.

I decided that I needed to take a short leave of absence from my work. I had to put my focus into my threefold full force. I couldn’t just hope for the best, I needed to make sure everyone was safe and that I had to be with them after treatment and school each day to do that at least until it evened out a bit. I also needed to get into a routine and schedule so that my time was better managed. I feel if I focus on this now and can find my way through it that moving forward will be easier for everyone. That’s where I am day 3 of my 12 day leave.

Now I am hopeful, less stressed, and thankful. I’m not thankful for the overwhelming overloaded and over scheduled life we live, but I am thankful that I’m present and an active participant in my threefold’s life. My threefold is amazing, strong, kind, brave, and we are all so beautifully broken. The future we are creating as a family with the broken pieces of our past is a masterpiece in the making. ☮️❤️😊~M

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Changing with Purpose!

I refuse to be the mom who pretends to have it all together or that I live in some manufactured, manicured make believe world where bad things don’t happen and the f word doesn’t fly out when I’m frustrated or just because life. I can still be a person who has faith and have a mouth that makes even grown men look at me in shock. I can be short and be a stick of dynamite. I’m still be a good mother, a positive influence, an advocate, and a decent human being. I may not fit into the box labeled “perfect” but show me who does? I’m proud of how far I’ve come and yes even where I’ve been. My life isn’t sparkle and shine, but ya know what it is imperfectly mine!

In order to know how far I’ve come you would have to have known me before, in the Bible B.D. stands before death, in the book of M, it shall stand for before divorce or A.D. after divorce. Don’t hate because I create! 😉 So the me, B.D., was quick to shut down and shut up. I didn’t fight or fuss much. I stayed in my lane. I was a people pleasing, egg shell walking, cowering, shell of a person who didn’t stand for or stand up for anyone or anything. I was cynical, a pessimist, and cold. I would turn off my emotions and let them stay hidden in the darkness. I only would allow them to show if I had taken all I could and could no longer keep them from over flowing. I used to pride myself on the fact that “he who shall not be named” and I only fought a few times a year. Well to be honest I just didn’t fight back. I bit my tongue a million times, I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself and I avoided conflict. When I fought back, I was always in the wrong, never felt how I felt, there were no attempts to see my view of things.m and my perspective was dismissed as inaccurate. Somehow and some way he always had a way of making me feel like I was in the wrong and that if I could just do x then things would be better. This caused me to second guess myself, my feelings, my views, and my beliefs. He was persuasive, in a manipulative and maniacal way, but why change when it worked so well. I retreated into resentment and allowed it to brew a concoction of contempt, hate, fear and anxiety in me. I was in chronic depression and my anxiety was front and center. I slept to escape. I don’t know how I feel about what I am about to state ashamed mostly. I would sleep to escape reality. In order to achieve that sleep and reduce anxiety I medicated. I was prescribed a medication for anxiety and it definitely worked, too well. Every outing, gathering, event, or interaction involved a small dose of medication, usually half, a full dose was reserved for true panic and if I wanted to sleep the sadness away. I didn’t run out early and I’ve always been pretty conservative with medication dosage and how much I needed to function, but I definitely began relying on it in small bits each day. Even small inconveniences made me anxious and fearful of the response or reaction so having something that numbed it all made life easier. I wasn’t being the mom I wanted to be anymore. When my threefold were young I was “room mom”, I volunteered, I took them to and picked them up every day from school. I coached teams, I watched classes, I went to church, and participated in mommy groups. I was an active participant in their day to day lives. Around 2015 I got complacent, cold, distant and my anxiety shot through the roof. I knew my marriage was over but I was scared to let go and fail, not for him or I but for my threefold. I couldn’t see the pain they were enduring with me or that we were all trapped in a toxic cycle of a life with abuse. I thought a family was better than a single mom. I tried. I worked, hard. I made sure we had everything we needed. I stayed consistent in that, but became closed off after work and even on days off. I stopped being their mom and became the person in her room who slept and only ventured out to fix dinner or run an errand. The guilt of being so unhappy hung over me. I couldn’t be near him without radiating negativity and pure anger. I was done and began to detach long before I ever built the courage to actually say the words.

A.D. I’m still working through a lot of issues and behaviors that are ingrained from the 15 years B.D. I can see now how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown as a person. I’m quick now to stand up for my threefold. I’m involved (sometimes too involved) in the lives of my threefold. I’m vocal about the amazing things they do that make me proud. We are growing together and healing together. We are working on our relationships with each other, our communication, establishing boundaries and learning to move forward. I don’t just preach positivity, I also try to live and speak more positively. I’m present. I’m listening. I’m advocating. I’m supporting. I’m cheering them on and letting them know I am always going to be in their corner. I’m in a healthy relationship and have learned what the difference is between healthy love and toxic love. We fight. Often. I’m not scared that every fight is going to end with a threat of the end. I feel safe, heard, appreciated and seen. I’m happy and hopeful. I’m not degraded or dismissed. I find my words fall on ears that are eager to hear my thoughts. I laugh and play. I find myself having more fun than I have had in a long time. I stopped my anxiety medication that numbed the feelings. It wasn’t difficult it was a crutch not a true addiction thankfully. It was like closing a door that had only been opened for me to feel protected and hide behind. It was past time to close that door and start feeling my feelings in real time. I take an antidepressant daily, add medication, and a non-narcotic anxiety med that is actually a beta blocker in emergency panic inducing situations though I rarely need that nowadays. I’m in therapy. I am continuing to discover myself and I’m trying to be the best version of myself for me, for my threefold and my partner.

I have the journal I started 18 months ago and on the first page I wrote this entry:

“So I sit pondering all the choices I’ve made along the way. The good, the bad, the ugly of it all. I wonder how I could’ve changed the course a million times. I could’ve made so many different decisions that would’ve affected my life drastically. As I write tonight and hope for some instant gratification, some complete satisfaction, some security, some validation. I realize it’s always been my choice. I choose everyday, all day, think and overthink every action, every conversation, every interaction. I’m tired. I’m tired of being drained. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of myself. I’m making a choice right now. I am going to put me in me again. No one can be held responsible for making me happy. Only I can do that. Only I can make the decision to be happy. Whatever that looks like. That’s the road I’m choosing. This time I’m choosing that I deserve to be happy. I’m not sure where this road will lead or what choices I will make to get there. I just know I’m done being miserable. I just know I deserve to be me, to be happy. ~M”

I’ve beat myself down and allowed others opinions or judgments rule my life for too long. It’s past time I be the flawed, real, unique me AND appreciate it! This year has shown me so many things and taught me more lessons about life, love, parenting and happiness than any year I can I recall. I’m better because I’ve been through hell and have fought for every ounce of the happiness I have found. My world is what I want it to be. It’s all here, just waiting for me to ask for, accept and acknowledge it. I welcome the blessings that are in store and feel I am better able to receive those blessings and am more grateful for every single one regardless of its contents. I am happy, not every second of every day, but the good in my life outweighs the bad by far. I’m proud of the A.D. me and even though this journey is far from short, sweet or to the point, it’s one that I will find is worth every mountain and valley I may stumble upon and every twist and turn of my path. I will find my way forward. I’m not broken, I’m healing and all the pieces of me are lying out there and it’s up to me to decide which ones are worth bringing with me and which need to stay a part of the B.D. me. The person from 18 months ago would be amazed at my dedication and follow through, because though I wanted it back then I didn’t have a clue that I could have it or that it was inside of myself all along. I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be. I’m learning to love myself and my life where it is right now while still continuing to work and reach for my goals. I am finding magic in the mundane, motivation in the monotony, and miracles in moments. I’ve changed, I am changing, and I am doing it with purpose! ☮️❤️😊~M