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After Christmas Crash

The ‘I’m over it’ face. The one that also tells my threefold to mind their mouths, momma ain’t in a playin mood. 😂

You are on a high during Christmas, I am anyway. My existence is fueled by caffeine, cuss words, the chaotic to-do lists, cookies, and that down home country cooking! Very little sleep, glitter everywhere and presents piled high. Anticipation is teeming throughout the house. You start getting bribes and promises that are only made to pave the way to the present pile. It’s exciting. It’s stressful. It’s worth it.

Then the crash comes promptly on 12/26. The day you thought would be a day where you could bask in your Christmas contentment instead becomes the day you have the Christmas comedown and crash. I’m suddenly drained as I’m no longer running off of the Christmas chaos and the need to tend to every stocking stuffer and the mad rush to finish strong! The fatigue hits like a ton of bricks yet still I try to push through. The wave of emotions of either failure or accomplishment come on strong. Suddenly I feel as if I ran a never-ending marathon for a month, made everything as good as it could be. I checked every list, twice, but somehow I didn’t win the love and appreciation I thought I would.

I’m happy that Defcon Four got everything they asked for {even if it didn’t all arrive in time for the grand finale} and that for the most part everyone seems happy with their newly procured presents. I’m left with the mess, to be a chauffeur as everyone spends their newly obtained fortune by shopping, and to try to recover my own financial security from my over extravagant spending.

The day after comes and I’m left without much of an agenda and too much time to over analyze every misstep along the way. I overthink every single reaction and the many ways I could’ve improved on the process to avoid the mishaps, lower my stress, and made my life easier and their Christmas better. I get a little bitter and self-loathing, which isn’t a good look. I try to isolate to avoid any issues that my edgy, irritability may spark. I fail, with gusto, because I pop off with even the slightest additional negative dilemma that is placed in my way.

‘I’m going to work on it’, I repeat in my head, as I try to make my rational thoughts take root. I meditate and focus on other tasks, but my energy feels off. It’s just the post Christmas crash and I’m unsure what the fix is to this problem. I’m not even sure if it’s common or if this is a bipolar thing. I’d like to excuse it either way, but at the end of the day I know im responsible for my every reaction, response, my attitude and my actions. I just lose sight of those facts. I hope you aren’t experiencing a Christmas crash! If you are or if you aren’t stay positive! You’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Without Further Ado…

Hello! Today is the day I show the face behind the words, snarky comments, the tears, the laughter, and the sarcastic anecdotes. I’ve revealed so much about my life OUR life…but today I’m also revealing the real person living that life.{I’m freaking out!} I’ve spent the last year hiding this, but I don’t want to hide anymore.

I chose to hide. I had decided that I didn’t want people to see the author, mainly because I was protecting myself from scrutiny and hateful comments. I also wanted to protect my threefold. I wanted us to have a voice but I wanted the anonymity as well. Those things don’t go hand in hand. I’ve learned that the faces behind the words are important in order to form a connection, regardless of how compelling the words may be on their own. It’s overdue, but I’ve been so nervous about the haters, my threefold facing judgement, my own insecurities, and of course my ex. I didn’t realize I was allowing all of those people to have the control over what I would do or could do with my own life. I was still allowing my past mistakes and experiences to drive my future. Not anymore!

I don’t want to hide behind my words anymore. I don’t want my past to overshadow my future. My voice, my identity and my story has remained hidden for too long. I’ve lived in fear and worried about other people’s opinions of me for far too long. It’s time to truly shine a light on our story. We deserve to take back that power. We need to stand firm in our truth and in our faith for a better future. The future we create for ourselves. Let your light shine! Be Positive! We’ve Got This! ☮️❤️😊~M

The Author behind ‘My Threefold’
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A Little Christmas Magic

Happy Christmas Eve! Hope everyone is having an amazing Christmas so far and that you didn’t just get fuzzy socks and a coffee mug with a sarcastic saying on it! Even if you did though, it was well meaning I’m sure {even if not well executed} You might be the parent that sent $20 to school so that little Suzy could buy you something from the Christmas Shop Supporting Vegan Lunch Options. Come Christmas morning you unwrapped a plaque covered in gold foil printed with #1 mom or Best Dad Ever! You’re loved, and you really are #1! Even so maybe that $20 plaque money could’ve been better spent on a Target gift card or anything else. Yet this is when that old saying comes to mind ‘it’s the thought that counts!’ With kids, sometimes, it really is the thought that counts!

My defcon four did pretty damn good this year for mom! With a 17, 15, 13, and 10 year old things get a bit more interesting come Christmas. The handmade coupon books that were never redeemed {actually I think they each owe me a good bit of whine free chores!} The homemade Christmas ornaments that are in a box in the closet. The sweet letters about you being their hero. Those precious keepsakes are replaced with material things. Sometimes the material things are coffee cups {even when you don’t drink coffee} or fuzzy socks. Sometimes they are regifted decor from around the house, like what I received for the youngest of the defcon four crew tonight. Still I said thank you and gave her the beaming smile of approval for the thoughtfulness. She tried, and for me that’s what counts! The thought.

I’ve been a wreck for weeks as I scurried through trying to budget for Christmas without a mound of debt I couldn’t pay back and without phoning a family member for a loan. Somehow we managed to manifest some Christmas magic. We didn’t even procrastinate {as much} as we have in the past. The obstacles that were put in front of us were obliterated by our optimism and knowledge that it would work out. I still am sporting my fancy Christmas anxiety that’s reserved only for this time of year. Honestly though, I’ve never been more excited for Christmas as I am this year. I know that everyone got what was on their list, plus a few things.

I kept ‘Anxious Annie’ at bay for the most part {there were a few days where I took the bipolar express straight to mood swing station} and replaced her with inner ‘Resourceful Rhonda’ as I like to call her. Rhonda can scout out a deal like no other! Me and full price, we aren’t friends! If I’m going to buy my daughter half a shirt then so help me I’m paying half price for it! The big things this year which are on trend with every adolescent Christmas list-electronics. My #3 wants a tablet, 2 oldest want new iPads, one fancy laptop and the kitties sleeping in a cat tree! {I had to, sorry not sorry} Being a parent with four kids to appease with over $1000 Christmas wish lists each is a bit of a headache to say the least. I don’t know how we managed to accomplish such a financial hit but somehow it’s happening!

If ‘E’ wasn’t helping me, we wouldn’t have everything we have this year, but between his conjoined financial backing pooled with my own money, my resourcefulness, his good credit, and a bit of Christmas magic we are making this Christmas one for the record books! ‘E’ and I really stepped up this year to give defcon four the Christmas they deserve after this crazy chaotic year!

Now I have to go wrap this shit up! Literally! I have procrastinated this part long enough! I’m truly grateful for the many blessings we have and that we will all be together tomorrow! I hope you all having a very Merry Christmas! Stay Positive! You’ve Got This! ☮️❤️😊🎄~M

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The Unexpected Curve Ball

Here’s to hoping I don’t have to have surgery later this week or next week or anytime in the near future or at all preferably. I started hurting pretty bad a few days ago and felt the area and there is a large lump. It’s painful to the touch and feels like it’s pulling when I move certain ways. It’s a lump at my cesarean section scar. I originally was told it was most likely to be an inguinal hernia. I would need an ultrasound sound to confirm the diagnosis and then they would get me in with a surgeon. I argued and was told it would not heal on its own and surgical treatment would be my only choice. I had finally begun accepting that was in the cards.

I had an ultrasound done today at the hospital. The doctor thought it was a hernia and needed ultrasound confirmation for surgery. The results came back that it’s a mass and undetermined what kind. I will need a biopsy to get more conclusive results. The mass is 1.5 cm currently. I’m hoping it’s endometriosis that is invading my scar tissue, but biopsy will be needed. Just another thing to put on my plate and something for me to worry about. It’s not at all what I expected nor is it something that I would even think would be happening right now. I have no clue what it is or what my plan of action will be. I just know that the next few weeks will involve finding out and formulating the plan forward. That’s where my focus will remain. How we all will continue to move forward.

I can’t imagine that it’s something horrible or an emergency hysterectomy or anything else major right now. I don’t want to be in pain and be limited by that pain so I have to take care of it before it gets any more painful. Tomorrow I go to see my OBGYN oncologist who will schedule the biopsy and formulate a plan. It’s going to come back as a benign endometrioma and at worst I need a surgery to remove it or go ahead with a hysterectomy. Regardless of the outcome, good or not so good, it will be ok. I’m not sure why this is happening right now but I have faith that something good is bound to happen for my family and I. This much doesn’t just happen to one family without there being a purpose, a plan or a reason. I have no doubt that whatever happens it is meant to teach us something and we are going to be better, stronger, closer and more thankful once the storm passes. I’m tough, so I’ve got this and I will continue to fight with everything in me for my threefold and myself. There is too much at stake for me to just roll over and let the curve balls knock me down. I’m ready for the lessons and I’m ready for the blessings. There is always a rainbow at the end of even the worst storms. I’m ready to see ours. ☮️❤️😊~M