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Meet the Critic

At my darkest and loneliest times, she is there. In the silence of the night, she is there. When I’m at my weakest, she is there. She is with me when I walk into an uncomfortable situation. After a heartbreak and in my grief, she never leaves me. When I’m on cloud nine, and hopeful she shows up. When I’m anxious and unsure, she is talking to me. When I’m hurt and angry, she supports my feelings. She validates my actions. She gives me the option to run away. She remembers everything I’ve ever said. She knows my past. She knows my weaknesses. She takes pictures, so I remember what we’ve done together and all of our experiences. She is the one who hasn’t ever abandoned me, and the one never stops showing up.

I’m sure you’re wondering who this is. Maybe a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover, or a friend. She is none of these and all of these. She isn’t anything and she is everything. She is the voice inside my head that I fight to silence every day.

You may think that you know her, but let me explain. She isn’t there supporting me or empowering me to keep going. She wants me to stay this way so she can thrive while I struggle to merely survive.

Who Are You?

You won’t meet her, but im sure you know someone just like her. You can’t see her, but her voice is always there. You probably aren’t a fan if by chance you know her as intimately as I do. Consider this your proper introduction. However, I don’t know if you will understand.

She steals the spotlight, demands to be heard, and aims to hurt anyone who dares to silence her. She is the one who tells me that I’m never going to be enough. She shows me the worst parts of the people around me. She drives them away, then tells me “see they don’t love you. Otherwise, they would stay.” She manipulates my feelings and twists my words. She tells me the worst-case scenarios and keeps me fearful of my every move.

Where Did She Come From?

Sometimes, she sounds like my mother, telling me I will never be pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough, or just enough. Other times, she sounds like my abusers who made me believe I was always to blame. In my head, she can make anyone sound like a hurt from my past. She has pictures and videos she can play to remind me of every hurt I’ve ever endured. She holds the buttons to my triggers. She is persistent and doesn’t care about the consequences.

I know she is made up of the broken pieces of my past. She is the child who felt unwanted. She is the teenager dying to fit in. She is the young mother looking for a way out. She is the abuse survivor. She is a traumatized woman. She is bleeding in the shower. High in the bathroom. A thief. A covert narcissist. An abandoned young adult. A lonely wife. The mother who was too scared to fight back and save her children. She is the addict. She is the worst part of me. That’s who she is. She is the version of myself I’m scared to become and equally terrified she is the real version I keep hiding from the world.

Change Her, Break Her, Abolish Her

I have tried to allow her visitation and then quickly see her out. However, she is relentless. At times, she is the only one who validates the unfairness of this life. She allows me to be not okay. It’s oddly comforting to be able to wallow and grieve a life I didn’t live. However, she aggravates those wounds I am trying so hard to heal. She breaks them back open and makes them bleed.

The past suddenly becomes present, and she revels in the power to overtake me. She feeds on my pain. It is as if my own mind is going to destroy me slowly. She holds me hostage. I struggle to break free. No matter how hard I try, I haven’t found a way to rid myself of her.

Fighting to be Free

You may think I’m just negative or that I’m weak. I’m the exact opposite. I am strong because I fight this voice that prays on my downfall each day. I’m successful in defeating her, but she knows when to strike. She pulls me to the darkness and holds me captive to her cruel onslaught of verbal blows.

I’m unsure if others fight off this toxic voice made up of their past. However, I know it’s lonely when it’s her and I. Maybe another person wont feel alone with no one who understands that the voice inside your head is sometimes hardest to silence. Even now, years into healing I still struggle to find my healthy escape from her torture.

Now you’ve had an introduction. If sometimes you see me cloaked in fear, paranoia, resentment, anger, or anxiety, please know I did not choose this for myself. I don’t need your attention, but meet me with compassion instead of judgment. I’m broken, and this is what repeated trauma has left behind for me.

It’s not easy. Sometimes, it’s the hardest battle I fight in a day. It is a battle of dismissing my past negative and limiting beliefs. I try now to remind myself of the 3 years of work I’ve put into my healing. However, I fight every day for the future I want, not to stay prisoner to the past, I escaped. I hope you, too, can find healing, and one day, I hope there is comfort in silence instead of her voice telling me how I will never fully overcome the trauma of my past. You and me, we’ve got this! ☮️ ❤️😊~M

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Stop the Insanity

I’m screaming. Why am I screaming? I know it’s not going to help. However, nothing I’ve done to this point has helped either. Here we are again. I’m sitting reading and re-reading the suicide note from my 14 year old daughter. Asking myself again, how we got here, what did I miss, and why she doesn’t want to be in this world anymore. I just want to stop the insanity.

Missing the Signs

I missed the Signs? AGAIN. She didn’t confide in me. AGAIN. I’m calling the crisis hot line.https://www.samhsa.gov › find-help
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | SAMHSA I’m calling the psychiatrist. I’m calling out at work. She is bleeding. Inside and out. She is hoarding medication. Planning her suicide. AGAIN. She is deciphering if jumping off a cliff or overdosing would be a quicker way to end her existence. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m angry.

Blame Game

I’m so incredibly angry. I’m not sure where to place my anger. Who can I blame? Why is this happening to her? To us? I choose to place blame on everyone, especially myself. I blame her, too, which isn’t fair. I bought the act. I handed her the weapon. I chose, yet again, to believe the pretty picture she had painted to cover her pain. I wanted so much to believe it. However, I should’ve known. Why didn’t I know? We’ve been through this before.

I Should’ve Known

I should’ve learned how to catch on quicker to the cover up. The first hospitalization in 2020 taught me to take it more seriously. The hospitalization in 2021, that lasted 18 weeks, should’ve been enough for me to understand the gravity of it all. After the hospitalizations earlier this year, I should’ve known that she would hide the hurt until it was nearly too late. Now, here I sit asking myself, what are we going to do this time?

What Now?

Another hospitalization, more medication changes, intensive therapy, inpatient, residential, intensive outpatient, or something else? There is no cure, that’s what she told me just last week. I know. I wish there was. In conclusion, I’m lost, but I’m thankful that I haven’t lost her to this battle.

Keep Fighting

Regardless, what the statistics say, I won’t stop fighting. No amount of money or time is going to stop me from finding her the treatment she needs. I’ll keep fighting her demons, and my own, for as long as I live. I’m not giving up. I’m never going to surrender even while I scream how unfair this is for us. My pain is no match to the pain she is living with. Pray for us all. Pray for #2. Pray for my threefold. Pray for this mom who is trying to mom mental illness. Together, we’ve got this. ☮️❤️😊~M

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Celebrate Today because Your Story Isn’t Over

Today, people of the world, is my daughter’s 14th birthday. The second born of my threefold. Once upon a time this daughter of mine was an emmanese speaking, toddling, blonde haired, blue eyed beauty. She is my little love, my mini me, in nearly every way. Momma’s little M&M. There are so many things I hope my threefold learns on their journey. Today, I hope she celebrates, because it means her story isn’t over yet.

This child that I love with my whole heart, made me wonder for the longest time if she embodied the entire curse of threefold that my mother bestowed on me before she died. After all, Ms. Thing, was the one I was pregnant with when the curse was issued and 53 days after my mother’s death I had this beautiful baby girl, the deuce of my trio. I have realized, that she though challenging and a fierce force is only a piece of my threefold. Yet, very much a key piece, a piece that makes me, me.

The Deuce

My M&M as I’ve called her since before she was born has changed from that little toddling, pint sized, sassy, and bright eyed baby into this amazingly inspiring young woman. Not only has she transformed her style {at least 5 times} but she has transformed in ways that I was once scared I might not see. Today we celebrate that growth, both in maturity and soul .

Just from a year ago, I’ve seen this young child begin to become a young woman. I’ve seen a fighter, a person with fierce determination, and with a heart that loves without limit. In addition, I’ve witnessed her overcome obstacles, stomp stigma surrounding her mental illness and gain a new perspective on the world around us. This has been beautiful to watch.

The Struggle is Real

If you have followed my threefold for a while, then you are familiar with our struggles and battles over the past year. We are stronger than yesterday, but we still have so much to learn. All of us. It hasn’t been an easy road, but nevertheless we are moving forward. Together.

I am truly proud of my threefold for how they have grown over this year. After six hospitalizations for #2 over nearly 30 weeks, year to date, I’d say celebration is called for. I fought for her, but the key in us overcoming these battles is her continual fight for herself.

Celebrate!

Celebrate each day! Every day you have with your family, friends, tribe or network of supporters is another day to celebrate. Be kind. You never know the struggles someone else is facing behind closed doors. Speak up against abuse, it’s not ok in any form. Finally, choose to keep moving forward, because this is just a bump. Somewhere you’ll find the message in the mess! You’ve got this! Stay positive! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Trauma Talk: Healing Past Trauma

Healing past trauma takes time, patience, and hard work. The affects of trauma on the brain affects it’s ability to function. In turn, we begin to think, behave, and react in ways that are reflections of that trauma. Yesterday, I gave a list of 21 questions to work through when processing trauma. Today, I will dive into those first three questions. In the end, I hope to understand my trauma better. I aim to further my healing and personal growth.

healing traums

Questions for Healing Past Trauma

  1. How do I feel responsible for the pain and trauma inflicted on me in the past?
  2. In what ways do I allow the past to negatively impact my present and my feelings about the future?
  3. Who do I need to forgive and why?

How Do I Feel Responsible?

I hold myself responsible for my trauma because I allowed it to happen. My responsibility is that I didn’t leave sooner. As a result, I allowed the abuse of myself and my girls to occur. Consequently, I now hold a great deal of guilt knowing I am complicit in the abuse of myself and my threefold. Although, I was not an active participant I am guilty by staying silent. I enabled my abuser.

How Does the Past Affect Me?

This one could go on for days. I feel trauma has affected every part of my me. I am less trusting, both of myself and others. Foremost, I would say it changed my perception of myself. One upon a time I was an outgoing, fun and flirty girl with no cares. Afterwards, I am more self deprecating and watered down. I am slowly finding my identity again, but it has taken time.

For a long time, I felt like I didn’t have a voice. Anytime I spoke up it was wrong. Furthermore, I was told that what I felt was not valid. If I thought differently then it was my perception that needed adjustment. As a result, I doubt my every feeling. Now that my voice is back, I feel I am too quick to speak up. It’s like I’m scared if I don’t speak my mind as the feeling arises that I may lose that voice again.

I apologize constantly. I am always saying I’m sorry even if it wasn’t my fault or completely out of my control. It sounds disingenuous now. Honestly, I’m a fraud. I’m not sorry. Sorry, not sorry. The worst part is that I know it’s not my fault but I make it my own fault in my head. I believe it is because I always was told I was to blame.

I over analyze EVERYTHING. Im the most anxious person. I have racing thoughts and they are so loud they keep me up at night. As a result, I am constantly thinking about what I need to do. Where I am supposed to go. Who needs what and how the hell I’m going to get it all done. As a result, I don’t make decisions quickly. I am unable to focus fully on conversations or mindless tasks. Consequently, I am messy, disorganized and scatter brained.

Who do I Need to Forgive to Begin Healing My Past Trauma?

First, I need to forgive myself. To promote my healing, I need to forgive myself for allowing the abuse of my girls and I. I need to find patience and understanding with myself. I need to remember that I am not the abuser. Afterall, I am a survivor of that abuse too. Next, I need to forgive myself for not escaping sooner. Lastly, I need to forgive myself for checking out those last couple of years and hiding from the abuse.

Next, I know that I need to forgive my abuser. I need to remember that the forgiveness is for me and not for him. Furthermore, just because I forgive what he did to us doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget. It was unacceptable. Abuse in any form is unacceptable. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that I am declaring the abuse ok. However, it shows that I am able to not allow that past abuse to claim my future.

Lastly, I hold resentment towards my support system. Although, the signs were there and the lies were transparent no one spoke up. I lied for him and that is on my shoulders. However, I would think that if there were signs someone would step in, but I was wrong. Then again, only now do I see those signs looking back. Even so, I am finding it is difficult not to want point blame on others. After all, this a lot of hurt, shame, guilt and anger that I hold. If I didn’t let it bleed onto others, deserving or not, I would probably be still struggling to use my voice.

Healing Past trauma

Healing Past Trauma Takes Time

Phew. All done for today. I don’t want to trauma talk anymore today. Unfortunately my life revolves around trauma drama, so if no one says the word ‘trauma‘ tonight then I may feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I am just going to say that I am done processing MY trauma for the day.

In conclusion, I hope that this will help others explore their own mental health and/or trauma. Even if you haven’t experienced trauma these questions are self reflective. Therefore, they can be used to aid a personal growth journey. After all, healing the past is the only way to move forward into the future. As a result, I will be less likely to repeat that cycle. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M pssst…follow My Threefold on Facebook!

Forgive

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Trauma Talk: Trauma Focused Therapy

Trauma is deeply personal. Furthermore, this is series will be a side of myself that I don’t allow the world around me to see. In this series, I will be sharing the raw and unfiltered inner workings of my mental illness and the affects trauma has had on my life. Maybe it is no different than everyone else’s struggles they have when talking about trauma. Then again, I feel like if I can share a part of my healing then someone can find a way to combat their trauma too.

Mental illness and trauma has changed my perspective and my perceptions of the world around me. The following questions are ones I was asked to complete recently by a trauma therapist. I haven’t had the mental capacity to work through these questions yet. I am supposed to do this trauma work with someone I trust, who understands my feelings and validates them, and who is supportive of my healing. I don’t do anything half ass, so I’ll just lay it out for the world at large. If nothing else, maybe it will help someone else to work through their mental mayhem while keeping me accountable to my own journey to healing.

Trauma

21 Therapeutic Questions

The following is the list of questions that I was told to answer honestly and not filter out the feelings. These are supposed to be self reflective and help me to understand my needs, my feelings, and promote healing. This is just the starting point as this is my first trauma focused therapy experience for myself.

  1. How do I feel responsible for the pain and trauma inflicted on me in the past?
  2. In what ways do I allow the past to negatively affect my present and my feelings about the future?
  3. Who do I need to forgive and why?
  4. What experiences have I had with others that I believe I am still suffering from?
  5. Who has hurt me and why?
  6. How can I help heal the hurt that I’ve caused others to experience?
  7. In what ways do I allow my past trauma to manifest in my current reality?
  8. What behaviors do I exhibit when I am experiencing triggered reactions of past trauma?
  9. Am I upset with God about something that has taken place in my life? Why?
  10. Who do I want to as my support system in my life? What’s stopping me from allowing these relationships to be safe?
  11. How can those around me be supportive?
  12. How can I establish trust and build a firm foundation in my current relationships?
  13. What are some things that I like about myself that others have been critical of in the past?
  14. What do I need help with? Who can I rely on to help when asked?
  15. If my abuser/perpetrator is still involved in my life what boundaries can I set to protect myself moving forward?
  16. How can I change my actions and current behaviors to aid in my healing and growth?
  17. In order to heal from my past what can I do to aid in my recovery?
  18. What are ten things that I love about myself?
  19. What are ten things I am good at?
  20. What do I hope to achieve through therapy?
  21. Write a letter to myself about everything I feel about myself and let someone close to me read it. Allow them to fact check my self beliefs.

Trauma To Healing

The list of questions that are given is a week’s worth of trauma work. Understanding the response we have to trauma is important. Uncovering the deep rooted affects that trauma has had on how we speak, think, and behave is paramount to reversing the patterns. If we can self reflect and find the facts in the lies and begin changing our thinking we can begin to heal the hurts that have been holding us captive.

Recovery is the goal, but there is no quick fix or magic potion that we can take that will take away what has happened. I’m prepared to work with my trauma therapist to uncover how my own thought and behavior patterns are allowing the past to cling to my present. Grab a journal and join along or just watch the journey of healing. In the meantime, stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M follow My Threefold on Facebook