Trauma is deeply personal. Furthermore, this is series will be a side of myself that I don’t allow the world around me to see. In this series, I will be sharing the raw and unfiltered inner workings of my mental illness and the affects trauma has had on my life. Maybe it is no different than everyone else’s struggles they have when talking about trauma. Then again, I feel like if I can share a part of my healing then someone can find a way to combat their trauma too.
Mental illness and trauma has changed my perspective and my perceptions of the world around me. The following questions are ones I was asked to complete recently by a trauma therapist. I haven’t had the mental capacity to work through these questions yet. I am supposed to do this trauma work with someone I trust, who understands my feelings and validates them, and who is supportive of my healing. I don’t do anything half ass, so I’ll just lay it out for the world at large. If nothing else, maybe it will help someone else to work through their mental mayhem while keeping me accountable to my own journey to healing.
21 Therapeutic Questions
The following is the list of questions that I was told to answer honestly and not filter out the feelings. These are supposed to be self reflective and help me to understand my needs, my feelings, and promote healing. This is just the starting point as this is my first trauma focused therapy experience for myself.
How do I feel responsible for the pain and trauma inflicted on me in the past?
In what ways do I allow the past to negatively affect my present and my feelings about the future?
Who do I need to forgive and why?
What experiences have I had with others that I believe I am still suffering from?
Who has hurt me and why?
How can I help heal the hurt that I’ve caused others to experience?
In what ways do I allow my past trauma to manifest in my current reality?
What behaviors do I exhibit when I am experiencing triggered reactions of past trauma?
Am I upset with God about something that has taken place in my life? Why?
Who do I want to as my support system in my life? What’s stopping me from allowing these relationships to be safe?
How can those around me be supportive?
How can I establish trust and build a firm foundation in my current relationships?
What are some things that I like about myself that others have been critical of in the past?
What do I need help with? Who can I rely on to help when asked?
If my abuser/perpetrator is still involved in my life what boundaries can I set to protect myself moving forward?
How can I change my actions and current behaviors to aid in my healing and growth?
In order to heal from my past what can I do to aid in my recovery?
What are ten things that I love about myself?
What are ten things I am good at?
What do I hope to achieve through therapy?
Write a letter to myself about everything I feel about myself and let someone close to me read it. Allow them to fact check my self beliefs.
Trauma To Healing
The list of questions that are given is a week’s worth of trauma work. Understanding the response we have to trauma is important. Uncovering the deep rooted affects that trauma has had on how we speak, think, and behave is paramount to reversing the patterns. If we can self reflect and find the facts in the lies and begin changing our thinking we can begin to heal the hurts that have been holding us captive.
Recovery is the goal, but there is no quick fix or magic potion that we can take that will take away what has happened. I’m prepared to work with my trauma therapist to uncover how my own thought and behavior patterns are allowing the past to cling to my present. Grab a journal and join along or just watch the journey of healing. In the meantime, stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M follow My Threefold on Facebook!
Can you spot a narcissist? I didn’t even know what a narcissist was prior to two years ago. Sitting in a therapist’s office after my {then} husband had screamed at me and refused to continue counseling after our separation. Completely embarrassed, but I was over it and had lost all hope or emotion tied to the After fifteen years he knew all the things to say to hurt me the most. I was afraid, beaten down, and was broken. The therapist looked at me and said ‘I am positive that he is a narcissist.’ I’m pretty sure I looked at her confused, but didn’t ask any questions. I thought it was just an insult and not a diagnosis.
Don’t Marry a Narcissist
I remember typing the word ‘narcissist’ into the google search bar and thinking I knew what would pop up. Egotistical. That was my only knowledge of narcissism at that point in time. Since then I have become all too familiar with the term, the disorder, it’s use {and misuse}, and the affects it has on the relationships surrounding the narcissist.
I was married to a narcissist and there was the evidence written in every article I read. Still I wanted to reason with those facts and I wanted to see something that didn’t make me feel like my entire life was a lie. I needed comfort, but I wasn’t finding it. All I was finding were more reasons to make sure I never allowed the prior 15 years to become reality again.
No way was I staying with this man. I was never going back to him. One major piece of advice – Don’t marry a narcissist. Save yourself. Save your family. IF you did marry a narcissist, then see the tips I have on divorcing a narcissist.
The Narcissist Defined
A narcissist is defined by the Merriam Webster Dictionary as someone who has an excess interest in or admiration of themselves. There are different types of narcissists. Those types include covert, malignant, communal, and antagonistic. There are many red flags and a toxic cycle of abuse that the narcissist tends to exhibit. However, just like anything it’s not a one size fits all definition.
It is widely agreed upon that the term narcissist is thrown around these days and overused. Every person who does you dirty isn’t a narcissist. Everyone, however, does possess narcissistic qualities. Everyone. There is a difference between exhibiting a healthy amount of narcissism, having narcissistic traits that are deemed toxic, and having narcissistic personality disorder.
11 Red Flags that a Narcissist is Known to Possess
Superiority: will feel like they are right always. It’s black or white and there is no room for gray areas. They feel they are better than everyone and the best at everything. this isn’t just typical cocky behavior this is on the extreme side of confidence.
Entitlement: feels like they are owed something always. It could be financial, respect, authority, control or favor. Whatever they want they feel it should be given without hesitation, whether they’ve earned it or deserve it.
Fantisizes about Power: will often be preoccupied with fantasies of their ‘ideal’ life. This is far and beyond the ‘if you win the lottery’ scenario we all think about at one time or another. This is the further almost obsessive preoccupation with fame, fortune, beauty, and power.
Special: they are special and uniquely made and that only those around them that are as special will be able to recognize their uniqueness.
Attention Seeking: constantly craving attention. They need attention to thrive. It can be positive or negative attention, but they need the focus on them to feel in control. This is the life force they get from their supply.
Absence of Empathy: does not relate to the emotions of others. Their feelings are the only driving force in their lives. They seek to feel good and avoid the bad, if you are looking to make the narcissist understand your perspective you will never succeed.
Envy: either extremely envious of those around them or believes everyone is envious of them.
Manipulative: will gaslight those closest to them to make those people comply to their wishes. They manipulate situations, arguments, circumstances in order to receive their desired outcome.
Defensiveness: extremely defensive and lacks the ability to accept criticism even when constructive. They automatically ‘right fight’ and try to spin the situation. Don’t wait around for an apology, and if it’s given it’s not sincere and usually has a ‘but’ attached to it.
No Accountability: they have a reason for everything and someone or something to blame. Admitting fault is admitting failure. They will hold everyone around them accountable for their actions and behaviors, but always have an excuse ready to go when needed.
Passive Aggressive: sarcasm and backhanded remarks are the language best tied to a narcissist. They make their feelings known with their remarks and typically back those up with the ‘I was joking, can’t you take a joke’ or claims of your over sensitive nature.
When you realize that a narcissist is in your life it’s hard to see the red flags that were constantly being painted green. Behind the pretty scenery of smiling pictures and the pretty words is where the ugly truth of our abuse was hidden. Looking back it was all so clear, but in those moments I had every excuse he had every given, every lie he had ever told, and every bit of the blame for the misery of our lives.
The Narcissist’s Toxic Cycle:
If you are exposed to a narcissist for a long period of time you will most likely see a pattern of toxic behavior over the course of the relationship. It’s repetitive like a bad song on repeat. There are defining characteristics of this toxic cycle. The goal is to control the victim so that the narcissist feels powerful and superior. They completely control their victim and the narrative with a few tactics.
Love Bombing or Idealization: in this stage the narcissist is hooking you into their game. They will move quickly, claim ‘love at first sight’ and spoil you. They know all the right things to say and may even pretend to be interested in what you have to say. They are attempting to make you feel connected, attached and gain your trust. They need you to see the good in them and believe they want the same things you do. They will serve you empty promises that never hold weight.
Degradation and Devaluation: the narcissist begins to target their victim by gaslighting, inflicting psychological and verbal abuse, and withholding intimacy. This stage comes on suddenly and usually unexpectedly. A narcisisst will blam their victim for all their problems and begin to make them have a distorted self image. This stage involves extreme manipulation and is the stage where physical abuse can be used to reinforce control.
Discard: during this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle the narcissist dispose of you. They will turn cold. A narcissist will try hurting you intentionally with any information they have to do so. They will call it quits and tell you they no longer want to tolerate your behavior and abuse. They will label you “crazy”, “psycho”, “controlling”, or “abusive” in order to make you feel at fault for the problems in the relationship.
Hoover: You know the Hoover Vaccuum Cleaner? Thats where this term comes from. You think you’ve been completely discarded after stage 3 of the cycle. YOU ARE WRONG. The narcissist will attempt to hoover and suck you back into the toxic cycle. The narcissist will apologize, they lie, manipulate and wear you down to get you back. You provide that life force they need to survive. Without this cycle they cannot function. They need someone {anyone} to give them the attention, the sense of power and control, and the admiration they feel they deserve.
The Affects of Narcisstic Abuse
As someone who has suffered from narcissitic abuse and seen my threefold suffer through the aftermath of that abuse. I am going to share the affects this abuse has had on my threefold and I. As an adult, you would think I would be less susceptible to falling victim to the abuse cycle.
The affects after abuse, especially psychological, are long term. I question everything now. I don’t trust my feelings or my instincts. This has caused me to become more defensive, because I have an intense fear that I am going to suffer from that abuse again. Imagine always being on high alert, and reactive. There is a constant feeling of insecurity, overwhelm, anxienty. It’s like being on edge constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My world is all bass ackwards, and its flipped on it’s end. It is harder to believe in myself, to trust certain situations, trust people. I am paranoid, fearful, and accusatory. When I first left, I thought everyone was against me. I was scared anything I said or did would go back to him. This left me questioning my threefold, my family, my friends, and doubted anyone that pursued me. I felt crazy. Quickly, I learned that it was normal to question everything. It was even normal to ask myself if I was bad guy or the real the narcissist. For a time, I was sympathetic towards my ex husband and believed it was only that he was hurting and projecting that hurt onto me when the abuse continued even after I left him.
Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
My threefold and I suffer from a trauma disorder as a result of the abuse we endured over those 15 years. Healing is an ongoing process and it’s not easy. Hard work is required to recover after trauma. If you are thinking how bad it sucks that even though you were the abused, you now have to put effort into your healing too, you’re right. It sucks and isn’t fair. It is worth it though. I am not healed completely and neither is my threefold, but I see our progress even when no one else does. I know how far we have come. I wish nothing more than to have a magic wand that could take the pain away from my threefold. I’d be lying if I said I have never wished that pain on my ex.
The truth is, he is in pain. He is worse off than we are in many ways. He may be the abuser, a total narcissist and complete pain in the ass, but he will never know any other life than this toxic cycle. He is destined to be in that cycle forever. He will never be able to know love in it’s true form. Narcissists rarely see fault in their actions or in their behavior. Therefore he won’t ever be likely to get help for these things and if he does it will merely be a show. This in a weird way brings me comfort and makes me sad for the narcissist. I get comfort knowing that the internal pain he struggles with will never subside and it’s sad to me that other people will get caught up in that cycle with him. I’m just so grateful that we got out.
I stood up for my abuser throughout my relationship with him of 15 years. After leaving him, I still stood up for him. I watched my threefold, my girls, struggle with the longterm affects of their abuse. Even so, I still tried to bridge a relationship for them with their father. It took me nearly a year to see that I was causing them more harm. They needed me to be on their side. Especially since I hadn’t been for all the years before. They were suffering from all the same issues, but they didn’t understand the complexities of it. We have come a long way from where we were. Unfortunately, cutting off the father of your children is not easily accomplished. Cutting off your father as a child is even more difficult.
Get Help
The good parts that the victim sees are the lie, the monster the narcissist became during the other stages, that is the truth. It’s hard to see that when you are in the cycle. This cycle is never ending, until they find a new supply to feed off of, or until the victim finally escapes the abuse and breaks the cycle. Unfortunately, the abuse of a narcissist will never cease unless the victim cuts off the narcissist completely. Otherwise, the abuse just changes.
If you or someone you know is being abused seek help. Escaping the abuse initially and the healing process you must go through is extremely complex. Seeking support, therapy, and being patient with yourself is paramount to finding the path forward. You are not responsible for what broke you, but it is ultimately your responsibility to heal the broken parts of you. Its hard to accept, but you will never change the narcissist, but you can change yourself and what you will tolerate. It’s ok to walk away, to save yourself, and to save your children. Set boundaries and remain firm with those boundaries. Believe me when I say allowing the continuation of the cycle of abuse will only cause more harm. Be the change you need. Be the person your kids need you to be for them. Stay Positive. We’ve got this! You’ve got this! ♥~M
I never liked dominoes. I never was interested in playing the game. I would just line them up, stand them up on their ends and push the first one causing the rest to fall over as I watched with amusement. I would create twists and turns with the rows of upended dominoes to see how far it would continue on after the first push. It was entertaining for me. Much more so than the game itself was. This is what it feels like is happening in my life, but I’m not amused with watching as everything falls apart around me.
It’s March 1st. I should be writing a February Goal Getter recap and a March Goal Getter Guide. I should be spouting off about everything we have accomplished and how we do it. I should be writing a congratulatory letter to myself as I get to say this week I will have successfully raised one of my threefold to adulthood. #1 of my threefold turns 18 in only a few days. I should be planning a 18th birthday party and car shopping. I should have a promotion and a raise in my sights. What I shouldn’t have is two daughters in crisis mode leaving mom to manage the onslaughts of stress, financial worries, emotional turmoil, and trying to figure out where I went wrong. Yet here I am mommin’ mental illness and trying to manage my own. It’s been the domino effect of triggered responses.
It was a week to the day I discharged #3 from her psychiatric facility for acute care. It was that same day that we discharged #3 that #2 was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for her crisis management. Today, I was back with #3 for another admission for acute crisis management. Yes. That’s right. I have two of my threefold admitted for psychiatric care simultaneously now. As much as I don’t want to be the mom who says that, I am. I’m completely lost in my own emotional overwhelm and exhaustion from the past several weeks that I can’t worry about what that sounds like or how that makes me look. All I care about is that they get the help they need. Everything else is inconsequential at this point. My dominoes are lined up and life has begun to watch in amusement as each of us falls into the darkness of depression.
These admissions weren’t by my choice or even my recommendation. With # 2 hers was initiated by her outpatient therapist. With #2’s history I was pretty much guaranteed admission as soon as I said she had been inpatient for 17 weeks during 2021. With #3 the school has requested evaluation and assessment for mental illness and trauma treatment since her first out burst three weeks ago. #3 returned to school and now here we are with another outburst, more trauma disclosures and another referral from the school for assessment. I’m back to inpatient and trauma momma in the position of chaos coordinator and crisis management. Not the promotion I had hoped for this year. I didn’t ask for the domino free fall, however the pieces are left for me to put back in place. I’m trying to stop the falls, but they are being knocked down before I can even pick up the previous fallen pieces. I’m not sure how to stop the continued cause and effect from the initial piece falling into the one after.
I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to muddle through the whole situation. I’m flailing, but I can’t fail. This domino effect will hit a spot where the fall can’t continue and the progression will end. I’m not going to let my threefold down. They won’t be left to fight this alone. They need to stand up and I’m going to make sure they stay balanced whatever it takes. I need a break, but mommin’ mental illness is a full time job with no pay and no benefits. I’m broken and they are too. All I can do is work towards finding them the right care and keeping my sanity so I can manage this crisis as it comes. I’m scared. I’m sad. They’re scared and sad. I’m not sure how the next part of this story of ours will go, but I know that it’s going to be a hard one to write until they are home with me where they belong. In the meantime, all I can say is I’m trying to be positive. I might need some help along the way, but I’ve got this. ☮️❤️😊~M
I’m unsure where I’m headed. I’m on the path I’ve been going down for a while, but suddenly there is this huge fork is in the road. A decision is there waiting for me to make up my mind. Which way? Both paths have darkness, obstacles, warnings and mysterious circumstances that look daunting. Both look scary as hell from here, but whether or not one will lead me to where I want to end up, I’m unsure. I can’t see what is beyond where I am in this moment. I just know my decision is one I not only have to make for myself, but for my threefold too. I’m the only person that can make this choice.
I am tired of asking for directions from people who have never been where I am now or don’t understand the struggles we face trying to find a better way. Everyone seems to think they know best, but no one has walked in these shoes or been inside my mind. It’s not as easy as ‘choosing to be happy’ mental illness isn’t a choice and it’s not an excuse. I apologize when I do wrong, I don’t blame my illness for my every move.
If I get angry I apologize and I recognize that I’m at fault. If I’m stressed I may be irritated but I can reset and refocus. I don’t let every single life stress melt me down into a puddle of pity. I do buck up and get back on the horse and jump the damn hurdle. I give myself pep talks and positive affirmations. I meditate, I journal, and I work in my therapy. I do try. It’s not always the quick or easy response people expect, but I get back on track. It’s not without effort.
Right now, I’m not in a good place. I know that is a fact. My thoughts betray me faster than I can counteract them. I can be laughing and ignoring all of my problems one minute and the next be in emotional distress holding back the tears. I’m trying. I fall apart more often. I’ve isolated myself a lot more than I know is healthy, but it’s not because I want to be alone. It’s because I don’t want to be told I’m moping or sulking or enjoying a pity party. I’m m not trying to be negative. I just am not seeing the silver linings of my current situation. I don’t need toxic positivity. I need the validation that this is a shitty time and that I am allowed to not be ok. I need that support. Not some grass is greener and rainbows come after bad storms bullshit. I know it gets better. But damn it, right now it’s not even close to that better.
I know I’m a badass and I’m tough. I know I’ll get through this and get to my desired destination eventually. I know my threefold is going to be ok. I know that I’ll ride the struggle bus until I can make my way back to the fuck yea freight train. I know.
Right now, I also know this is not fair. I know that this is not what I wanted, needed or even expected to be happening in our lives. I need a little less heartache, hard time, and headache. I need more help to understand why this is happening and how I can avoid it again. Who can honestly say they have admitted and discharged a child from a hospital, admitted another child back into the hospital all while dealing with a narcissistic, drug addicted ex, still worked 70 hours, signed settlement papers and managed to keep a fairly level head all in the same week? If I can’t have some rough days and a hard time smiling after that week, then damn, I’m sorry. Im exhausted. I am completely drained emotionally, physically and mentally. If I knew I would not lose everything I’d worked for I’d probably say I’m entitled to have my breakdown now. I won’t let myself have that breakdown. However, my depressed and anxious mood shouldn’t be just understandable but acceptable after all of that.
I’m not going to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. I am going to have my feelings. I can’t always mask them and I won’t shove them inside so I change into someone else’s version of me. I’m aware I am a fighter, but I won’t pretend everything is ok and that I am just up against an obstacle. I may not be entitled to a breakdown, but damn it, I AM entitled to be upset, stressed out, and straight up mad that this all is occurring. I’m not going to let it be all consuming, but I will let the emotions out in the safety of my home or my car or in a public bathroom if necessary. I won’t apologize for that.
The depression will lift and I will figure out which road to take. Whether I take the right or the left, face more challenges or find myself lost in the big unknowns I ALWAYS find a way to head back in the right direction. I’m not walking on crutches, I’m not making excuses for my darkness. Not today. I have a reason to have my feelings right now and if anyone wants to tell me to suck it up and keep going because it’s bothering them to see me ‘give up’. Then my response will now be that my life is not a spectator sport. I’m not currently accepting any applications for life coaches. Opinions aren’t needed and the facts are I’m allowed to feel like this or to have any other feelings. You have no clue the amount of strength it takes to deal with what I do inside my head let alone my threefold and all of the trauma, lack of sleep, anxiety, work and constant pressure. When you get your hell week participation award I will then be more open to listen to how you would feel, do, behave and react to my current situation. If you can’t support that then I suggest you shut up with your buck it up bullshit. Today is not the day, and my dear, I am definitely not the one you need to preach the ‘live, laugh, love’ or ‘fake it til you make it’ bullshit to. You can peddle that toxic positivity to people crying over their kid not making honor roll and getting caught smoking pot. Those are high class problems. Mine are life altering issues that have longer lasting effects than those things. I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve still got this. ☮️❤️😊~M
Yes, I know, hard to believe. Nonetheless, here I am at a loss for words. I’ve been quiet this week. I’ve been trying to figure out how to let go. I’ve been trying to find a way to teach my threefold to let go. Yet, I’m finding the actual process of letting go is hard, however it’s critical to find healing and to move forward. I’m writing this still unsure how to proceed. It’s imperative that we find a way to let go of the past so we can move forward into the future.
It’s been a long and emotionally exhausting week, yet again. I was excited for things to get better as I was discharging #3 from the hospital and signed my final marital dissolution agreement after two long years. I just knew that was going to take so much of the weight of worry off of my life and off of my threefold. I was right, it did. I however wasn’t expecting that weight to be thrown back on me mere hours later. I was speechless.
I was sitting in the therapist’s office for my threefold and waiting for the discussion about #2’s relapse. I could see the anxiety in my daughter’s face as the therapist and I looked at her wondering why we had been called to meet. I was sick. My stomach was in my throat as my body tensed. #2 had been having increased intense thoughts of suicide, with a plan, and the means to complete the plan. I couldn’t breathe. It was only a couple of hours before that I had picked up #3 after her 2 week hospitalization. #2 hadn’t said anything to me. Why didn’t she tell me? Sooner?! I was unsure of what to do. I knew that her being suicidal and with a recent self harm relapse, I was most likely going to have to seek a higher level of care for her. That’s not anything like how I thought this day would go. I was stunned.
I’m not sure why we didn’t follow the safety plan. I did my part, I thought I was doing everything right. I locked up the meds, I gave her support, we talked and checked in often, I was doing skin checks, she was never without supervision for longer than a few hours, but never left alone. I couldn’t figure it out. We were doing good. She was doing so good. Why. Why?! I got angry and I was scared. I was scared for her, for my threefold and also for myself. Why wouldn’t she have talked to me.
My anger met fear, and my hurt saw her pain. I couldn’t understand in that moment, but I understand much more than I care to admit now. It’s not weakness, it’s not attention, or a pity party for ourselves. It’s the past scaring us out of our future. Over the next few days, my own thoughts would betray me. I too am vulnerable to my own darkness. I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop fighting my own battle. I hate to say that I thought about it, I thought about it too much. What if it was all my fault. I needed to blame someone and that person needed to be me, because I couldn’t blame her. She is only a child with an illness and more pain than is fair. She was my responsibility therefore I was to blame.
It’s hard enough managing mental illness in yourself as an adult. I can’t fathom what it’s like to have the trauma, stress, and all of your darkness swirling at the same time and during such a pivotal time in their lives. I truly wish I could take their pain and destroy it or give it back to myself. They don’t deserve to have life be this hard, this young.
I’ve found we all are still allowing our past lives to hold so much power over us. We’ve suffered from that pain. When will we let it go and move into a future that isn’t controlled by our past experiences? I know that’s the only way we find our way forward. It’s so much easier said than done. I’ve been trying to let go of the past, but I know it’s so much more difficult when the other people in your life are working on healing too. We can trigger and influence each other. We validate the past, but when can it stop taking our future?
This is my journey, this is our journey. I’m not perfect and some days I’m barely holding on. Some weeks I question everything. I am just as damaged as my threefold or anyone else in the world. We’ve all been damaged, but some of us can’t find our way to fix it. I want to fix it. I want to fix it for my threefold. Now I must figure out how. This process may take time, but it’s time to move on.
I’ll figure it out. We’ll find a way. We always do. For now, I wait for the #2’s discharge. I distract myself from my guilt and fear. I keep running away from my own darkness. I keep fighting. For all of us. Even when they stop, I won’t. As scared as I am that my threefold and I will let the past steal our future, I know we have the strength to overcome the fear and move forward. I will be hopeful and lead us to a future that frees us from that past. We can do this. I’m positive. We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
