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Movement

It’s been a hell of a week. I don’t want to say ‘Hell Week 2022’ because that’s like a challenge to the universe and it’s only February! I’ve been through the ringer this week, between hiding the hospitalization of #3, fighting through those feelings and dealing with the domino effect this trauma talk triggers in all of my threefold and I, my vehicle breaking down, working to distract myself, and my court chaos with the ex, I felt like I wasn’t going to make it through this week.

I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown last week when I admitted my daughter, #3, the youngest of my threefold. I am hiding that from my workplace not because I don’t feel like they would be supportive or understanding, but because I am up for this promotion and I don’t want to get the label of ‘single mom who has too much on her plate to be as committed as this position requires.’ I know I would get that label for sure. I’m more qualified and capable than even the last manager was, I know that I can excel and don’t need more stigma standing in my way. I am ready to move up, and I know my worth. Time to add the tax to that and take my place. I earned it.

I love my day job. Don’t confuse that with the fact that I would not leave in a heartbeat if I could support my family on writing and content creation, but right now that’s not feasible. The starving artist isn’t a good path when the ones starving would be my threefold. They’re growing girls and they have a grocery bill that’s higher than a car payment each week! I’ve used work as a distraction. I’m good at my job and it’s busy so I can easily get lost in it. I love that I leave it all at the door at work and escape to a place where I shine just being me. That’s true for writing and for my day job.

I got my truck out of the shop {1k later and a new fuel pump later} I realized a few years ago not having my own ride would have not bothered me at all. Now I’m so much more independent and I love it. I drive everywhere. Ruby and I are going to stick it out longer. She is bipolar too so it’s important she take her meds and I need to be more mindful of her needs so she doesn’t have a breakdown again soon.

I’ve been really hard on myself this past week in more ways than one. My self talk has been negative. I haven’t been meditating or manifesting much. My goal getter book has been empty when usually I would’ve had my goals laid out for the week. My sleep has been sporadic. My mood has shifted more often. My self care went to nonexistent. I’ve been isolating and not really in the mood to do much of anything. I tried to keep it together. It’s been really freaking rough though. This depressive episode is not near as intense as the last one but when you’ve been in a good place for a while the down feels deeper. You just want to snap out of it. Unfortunately bipolar doesn’t work like that. Instead it means med adjustments and pushing yourself to keep going. I can’t give up or give into the darkness of it. My threefold needs me to be their strength and their rock. Not a mom in bed or hiding away so they don’t see it. They know what’s going on, because unfortunately it’s like a domino effect. They can mirror my mood as I mirror theirs and those of others. I need to move myself out of this darkness.

This domino effect as I call it has resulted in depression symptoms and anxiety for everyone else. It’s also not good because no one wants to be the cause of any additional chaos. Especially when it’s obvious I’m in stressed out anxiety mode right now. This makes my threefold feel like they can’t ask for support or talk about their own feelings because they don’t want to worry or upset me more. One thing I had hoped we learned was that shoving it down and hoping the feelings subside on their own rarely works. Especially when the feelings and thoughts are intense. This led to issues across the board this week. we’ve got to move away from triggering these episodes in one another. It’s gonna start with my personal movement.

#1 of my threefold {the oldest} expressed she felt like I was too busy with everything going on with #2 and #3 that I wasn’t giving her the proper attention or focus that I should. She expressed her feelings and I was grateful she did. It is difficult to split focus when you have three and give them each what they need. Especially when they each have varying needs and those needs can change in a matter of minutes it seems like. I want to give her that security, but I also know that she will be making her own big moves soon. With her 18th birthday fast approaching I know that her independence is also going to be tested and she needs to show she can make some moves solo.

#2 of my threefold relapsed. I cried until I could no longer feel it. I’ve been so watchful and mindful ever since the beginning of her journey. She had eight months free of self harm. She was in an amazing place in her recovery for so long. She worked so hard for those eight months. Then within moments it was gone and that made both her and I feel like we were f’ing it all up. She was triggered by the increased trauma talk, the self harm discussions, mentions of suicide, and being on this side of the hospitalization equation. The guilt she felt for being hospitalized for 17 weeks last year was overwhelming. She saw me at my low, and when you’re inpatient you don’t see what is happening to your family. You don’t see the stress, the tears, the anxiety and the hurt. She saw me and realized how awful it must’ve been for me. Instead of that fueling her motivation, she allowed that guilt and remorse to eat away at her. That same guilt that my behaviors and my inability to keep it all together for my threefold is heavy on me right now. I’m trying. Everyday. This trauma drama bipolar momma bear life is hard on me too! I’m not cured of mental illness, therefore I can’t expect them to be either. we will move past this hiccup. It doesn’t negate her work over the past eight months. Im still proud of her and this time I was able to better handle my reaction and response.

I’m crossing my fingers and my toes, {and my legs because I’m a damn lady,} that Tuesday #3 of my three will be discharged. I miss her with everything in me. It’s too quiet. I’m used to her loud ass tv, the TikTok dances, jump roping, karate practice and the echoes of her laughter {or arguing} from the kitchen. I miss her fighting me to go to bed and to wake up. I miss her silly stories about school and seeing her light up as she tells me about her positives for the day. I am ready to see her face and hug her. 10 days inpatient for a 10 year old. She has never been away from me this long. Having five minutes each night to recap the day is not near enough for a mother with her child. I want her home so I can have every minute I want. Im ready for her and I to move into a direction where she knows that she is loved, supported and that she is an important part of the lives around her.

Court is finally over. I hope. A settlement is on the horizon. I refused to backdown and allow him to make decisions for my threefold. That’s a decision I will stand behind. Supposedly he has accepted that and I have agreed that settlement is going to be a much better route if possible. Now I wait for the final signatures and the freedom that those papers will give me. A chapter my threefold and I have been unable to move on from for two years. It’s well overdue. This is our chance to move on from the past and move into the future…stronger…together…in hope.

Thank you for reading my current state of the union address for my threefold and I. I’ve received many messages requesting an update with shows of support and love. Thank you so much! You will never know how much those little messages make my day.

I’m glad to be starting off a new week. I’m hoping this one has more ups than downs and more happy than sad. I’m hoping we have less trauma drama and more trauma talk. I’m hopeful, which is something I couldn’t say this time last week. I’m hoping that some relief from the stress and the strain will mean that I am able to lift some of this heaviness off me and focus on the future for my threefold and I. Move on, move up, and move into the next chapter of our lives. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Emotional Overwhelm

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the day. Every morning I sit and reflect on the day ahead. I try to remind myself of the good things that I have to look forward to and brace myself for the obstacles I will encounter. I am not doing a great job at seeing the good this morning. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m on edge and have been since the moment I opened my eyes.

I tossed and turned all night. I keep attempting to predict the potential outcomes of my next decision. I am mulling over and over analyzing every single detail. Going to court with a narcissist isn’t an easy decision to make. Deciding to fight against a narcissist in any scenario will lead to disruption in your life. Their manipulation and ability to sway people to their side is on another level. I’m not sure I can win this battle, but I feel like I definitely need to stand up and try.

My hope is that my narcissistic ex husband will see I’m not backing down. I’m praying that he will be too proud to allow his facade to be shattered in court and he will give in. Either way I’m not going to roll over, not this time. I may be anxious and scared to speak out in court against the man who has abused my threefold and I for years, but I know that I am stronger than I was two years ago when this all began. He can’t intimidate me into silence anymore. My truth and the truth of my threefold deserves a voice and my voice is the only one that can speak it.

If he settles with me now then I will breathe a sigh of relief, but if he doesn’t I will do whatever I have to do to protect my threefold. He can play games, tell lies, twist the truth, and try to manipulate the situation, but I feel I can show that I have been the best mom to my threefold while he has been only looking out for himself through this. I won’t lie to protect my image, as I know I’m not perfect, but the truth will destroy his image completely. Nothing is more threatening to the narcissist than exposure.

Send all the good vibes and positive energy my way. Pray for me or send the juju of positivity and calm to me. I’m scared out of my mind for this fight, but still I will keep fighting. I fight for my future. More importantly I am fighting for the future of my threefold. Here’s to hoping the fight is in my favor. In the meantime I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Tending to the Toxic Ties

Can we discuss how hard it is to try and be the “bigger person”? I’m exhausted by it. I don’t want to mind my p’s and q’s all the time in fear of rocking the boat. Sometimes I’m ready to turn the whole damn thing over and sink that ship! I have to remind myself repeatedly that sinking someone else’s ship will most likely mean I’m going to destroy mine too. How do we overcome the idea of “rising above” and steer our ship without it being under fire by those around us?

Some would say that’s an easy task. They say we should just eliminate the people we are constantly having to walk on eggshells for. If you don’t want to be a doormat and have other’s take advantage, don’t invite them to your front door. This is an obvious solution. You cut them off and move on with your life. Wipe your hands clean. Done and done. k. Thanks, byeeeee! What do we do when it’s not that easy and the toxic tie can’t be cut?

Ok, time to cut the metaphorical bullshit and get to the point past the ships and the shells. There are plenty of times we want nothing more than to not have to deal with someone, but we have no other choice. Maybe it’s a boss, a colleague, a PTO president, a family member, an ex, or a customer. Whoever the toxic ties are in our lives, the chances we can cut off those ties without major consequences to ourselves is highly unlikely. How do we handle these people without feeling like we are just pushovers?

My personal toxic tie will be the cliche example to give, but also one of the most complicated of the listed examples given. The ex. Some exes are not even a blip in our day to day life. Mine, made himself a damn fixture. My threefold requires me to have a piece of my life {my biggest piece} entangled with his life. I still have to hold to that ‘bigger person’ standard against a man who is over a foot taller than me and at least twice my size overall.

Sometimes he is intolerable and he seems to make everything more difficult than it has to be. My stress level is only amplified when I am forced to be around or interact with him for any amount of time. Whether it be a text, phone call, pick up or drop off, he is always triggering my fight or flight response.

My number one piece of advice that I would tell anyone that is in a situation like mine, or has any toxic tie-in that can’t be cut, would be to stand firm in your truth. If you know that your truth is yours and truly believe it, stand behind it. They will lie, manipulate and bully you. Stay firm in your truth anyways. They will never come to see your side of things. There will always be another excuse or reason that it happened. Even when the proof is on your side the toxic tie will find any excuse and come up with lies to try and debunk your truth. Stand firm anyway. Don’t trust them.

My second piece of advice would be to create and maintain boundaries. If you give an inch, they take an acre. Don’t budge on your boundaries. You decided it was important to set them for a reason. Back them up with your truth and your why. Anytime the toxic tie attempts to push them simply reaffirm those boundaries and your reason for creating them. These boundaries will be your strength and your armor that protects your truth. Do not give them the opportunity to kink your armor. Don’t let your guard down.

Finally, I would say limit contact as much as possible. Become the most uninteresting and uninterested person you can conjure up. The shorter and blander the response the better. The toxic tie will try to bait you and trigger your reaction. They will try to pull you into their toxic circle and your reaction feeds their desire to see if they can get you to come down to their level. It’s a trap. The toxic tie is a master manipulator. They will twist everything and deflect as much as they can. They refuse to be accountable. Don’t give them the satisfaction of your reaction. Respond thoughtfully, don’t react emotionally.

It’s important to note that ANY information you divulge will be used against you. ANY cards you play at any moment they will find a way to manipulate to fit their own narrative. They intend to cover their ass and attempt to shatter that truth card you let loose. It is tempting to tell them you’ve caught them red handed, but in true toxic form they will twist the truth to make it seem as if they have a logical explanation for your assumed indiscretion. Wait until the deck is stacked in your favor and they are forced to be accountable. That’s when you’ll see the real truth. When you can call their bluff and expose the lies beneath without giving them time to cover their ass.

As an add on to your communication I would say any form of text or email communication is better than in person or phone conversations with the toxic tie in. If you are forced to be in the same vicinity, stay away and stay quiet. Don’t engage with them beyond the expected civil formalities. It is always harder to maintain a calm composure when you are forced to immediately respond. With text and email you can form your response, reread it, and edit it if necessary all before pressing send. Remember to respond as if you are uninterested and if elaborate details are required then try to keep it very brief. Don’t react in response to attacks.

Personally I silence my exes notifications. That way if he is on a tear and wanting to fight I don’t have to hear the notification every couple of minutes. It honestly made such a difference in my ability to keep my energy clear of his negative and toxic behavior and words. He can wait until I have time to answer. He is no longer on my priority list. My exception is only my children are in his care.

When all else fails, remember why you are dealing with this behavior at all. If it’s like me,where children are involved or your livelihood is at stake, then find your best ways to cope and keep the distance as much as possible. If it’s for a futile reason, weigh your pro’s and con’s. Is it worth your mental health and energy being affected? If so,try my steps. If not, cut the toxic tie and live a better life. As always, stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Without Further Ado…

Hello! Today is the day I show the face behind the words, snarky comments, the tears, the laughter, and the sarcastic anecdotes. I’ve revealed so much about my life OUR life…but today I’m also revealing the real person living that life.{I’m freaking out!} I’ve spent the last year hiding this, but I don’t want to hide anymore.

I chose to hide. I had decided that I didn’t want people to see the author, mainly because I was protecting myself from scrutiny and hateful comments. I also wanted to protect my threefold. I wanted us to have a voice but I wanted the anonymity as well. Those things don’t go hand in hand. I’ve learned that the faces behind the words are important in order to form a connection, regardless of how compelling the words may be on their own. It’s overdue, but I’ve been so nervous about the haters, my threefold facing judgement, my own insecurities, and of course my ex. I didn’t realize I was allowing all of those people to have the control over what I would do or could do with my own life. I was still allowing my past mistakes and experiences to drive my future. Not anymore!

I don’t want to hide behind my words anymore. I don’t want my past to overshadow my future. My voice, my identity and my story has remained hidden for too long. I’ve lived in fear and worried about other people’s opinions of me for far too long. It’s time to truly shine a light on our story. We deserve to take back that power. We need to stand firm in our truth and in our faith for a better future. The future we create for ourselves. Let your light shine! Be Positive! We’ve Got This! ☮️❤️😊~M

The Author behind ‘My Threefold’
☮️❤️😊~M
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Break the Cycle!