Day 4 and I am really off to amazing first few days of my journey and my self imposed challenge. I didn’t do everything on schedule last night or today, but I am ok with that. It’s the weekend so we should relax and not be so stuck on a schedule. I really have felt amazing today though. I noticed while driving back home alone, after dropping 2 off for her person’s birthday party, that my head was quiet. It was peaceful. No racing thoughts, no worry or anxiety, no negative self talk, no listing off what I needed to do or accomplish. I was clear headed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. It was an amazing feeling. One that I hope to have often. I’m not even sure how to describe it. As someone with ADD, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD, a quiet mind is a gift that seemingly doesn’t come around often. If I can give myself that gift it would be life-changing and extraordinary.
Last night I went to bed between 12:30-1. I woke up about 2am. I broke my rules and got up and went to the bathroom and got ice cream and went outside. I went back to bed though. I slept until 7ish got up but decided no, I’m going back to bed. I slept until about 10:15am. All and all probably 6.5 hours of sleep. I’ll take it! I wasn’t exactly motivated this morning to do my routine. I even contemplated having Sunday as an “off day” or a mini routine day. Once I got started though I was in it and completed all of my routine and felt great.
It’s been an easy day. A good day. I swept and mopped the kitchen, did some weeding in the flower beds with 3. I’ve stayed positive and energetic. I’ve just been overall calm and relaxed today. I didn’t let myself get overwhelmed by a to do list or fall prey to some worry about tomorrow or next week. I’ve just allowed myself to be present and take everything as it comes. I’ve been really proud of myself these past few days and am looking forward to how this journey continues. I’m sure I will have struggles like day 1 or stress out or some other obstacle to overcome, but I’m learning that half the battle is my attitude towards it.
The night concluded with 3 and I getting ice cream and sweets for 4th of July, Watching fireworks. Pizza and snuggles with the PPP. 2 is spending the night with her person, the first night away from me since getting out of the hospital. 1 is out with her boyfriend at a family cookout. Im trying to make the most of my night by spending time with the PPP and 3. Fireworks got a little triggering for 1 when she got home as it seemed the whole neighborhood was celebrating the 4th with fireworks. Meds, earphones, video games, and kitty snuggles seemed to get her more balanced.
Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 4
Completed weekly goals
Scripted my day
Positive affirmations completed
Listened to multiple motivational videos
Today I am grateful for peace and calm
Today I am grateful for relaxation
Today I am grateful for quality time
Today I am grateful for my PPP, my love
Today I am grateful for my threefold
Today I am grateful for independence
Today I am grateful for having everything I want and everything I need
Today I am grateful for my journey
Today I am grateful for a place to write, this blog, and my journal.
After my not so great start, day 2 was EXACTLY what I thought this journey would be about! I am much more positive and I am not nearly as drained as I thought I would be at the end of the day. It was overall exactly the day I needed to keep my motivation alive and myself from drowning in failure. I am ready for the days ahead. I am ready for this challenge!
I SLEPT 6 hours straight! No up and down. No interruptions. It was miraculous and restorative. I woke up at 6:30 and didn’t hit the snooze button! (This has been a struggle for me daily for years) Granted I set a 6am alarm that I hit snooze on. That was my way of tricking my mind into thinking I got 30 minutes extra sleep when I didn’t. I spent an hour on setting myself up for success and going through my goals and checking them off one by one. By 7:40 I had already completed most of my daily tasks. I was off to a running start and feeling confident.
I went to work and was ON TIME! I accepted help with getting 2 from treatment. I accepted help from 2 by letting her help me catch up on some of the tasks I don’t do as often as I should. I was able to get completely caught up today on all of my work. Nothing was left for me to do by 5:30 except close up. I was focused. I kept a great attitude and didn’t let anything bother me. I had to make myself relax a few times, but other than that all was good. I was having fun and laughing. I was smiling and helpful. It was amazing! I didn’t even have to shift my thoughts to positive. I stayed there. ALL DAY.
Usually by the time work is finished I have been drained. I actually still had energy to spare today. I was so pumped by my good day that I purchased supplies for the whole family to work on our vision boards. We got posters, magazines, glitter, glue, construction paper, markers, letters, and colored pens. 3 dyed our shower blue with the hair dye that she used today. Even as I was cleaning the shower and the PPP announced that the whole shower needed to be scrubbed thoroughly because of the amount of hair dye on my white tile floor and on the walls I caught myself saying “well we needed to clean the shower anyway!” Yesterday I have no doubt I would’ve had a yelling match with 3 and had her in there scrubbing and I would’ve been b!tching about it the whole time. I would’ve fussed when the 9yo didn’t get it all clean and that I had to clean up her mess. I realized today though that would’ve only led to me becoming more frustrated and negative and made 3 feel pretty bad about herself. I cleaned it and went about the night like nothing had ever happened. It was true after all, I did need to clean that shower. It’s been a hot minute! Hopefully, I continue making conscious effort in my positive actions, reactions, and words. I caught myself getting frustrated with 1. I was frustrated that they were upset about something that didn’t make sense to me. I had to remind myself that they are allowed to have feelings and as the PPP tells me often just because someone feels a certain way doesn’t mean the feeling is based in truth. We have to acknowledge their feelings before we can try to change their perception. Validation is key. I caught myself becoming defensive and quickly stopped myself. There is a reason I keep the PPP around. He is amazingly insightful, positive, and right about many things (don’t tell him I said that!) I am excited to be the one to spread some positivity to the fam. I am an example to them too, and I want it to be a positive example I am setting!
One thing that is a large part of our daily routine is that we sit down and have dinner together. We always sit around the dinner table laugh and joke. We have always done “positives and negatives”. This has been my way of getting everyone (including myself) to see the positive things that happened in our day and also let others know where we may need to improve, what our struggles are, and how we see different things. I’ve grown to love this and I believe it is a great way to get defcon four talking and listening. We cheer for each other and support one another. Tonight we did something a little different we created a “family mission statement”. This was a tool to get us all to participate in recognizing our strengths and weaknesses as a family and setting goals on how to improve and what changes we can make as a whole as well as what we enjoy doing together and what goals we have for the future. 2 was the one that suggested we sit and discuss this as this was an assignment from her therapist. I really think it helped us all see what we expected, liked, disliked, and what we want as a family. Everyone was included and everyone had a say. I highly recommend doing this with your own family, especially if you have kids. I can see how this could be beneficial in all relationships and possibly might want to do one with the PPP as well that is personal and exclusive to us.
I am very proud of my progress today and even as the phone shut down is approaching I am still keeping a positive mindset. I am excited to discuss some goals and plans I have for the coming weeks with the PPP. I am hoping he will be on board or have some ideas of his own to help me be more positive, productive, and to help us as a couple as well as a family. I am super excited to keep this journey going. Thank you blog for keeping me accountable!
Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 2
Woke up at 6:30am ✅
Completed 15 minutes of morning meditation SUCCESSFULLY ✅
Journaled my vision for the day ✅
Listened to multiple motivational videos today ✅
Completed positive affirmations ✅
Scripted how my day would go ✅
Reviewed my monthly and yearly goals✅
Blogged my journey✅
Unfollowed some of my trauma groups as these can be triggering and keep me focused on the past. ✅
Purchased supplies to work on vision boards ✅
Today I am grateful for my family
Today I am grateful for the PPP, my partner, my soulmate, my love.
Today I am grateful for this journey.
Today I am grateful for the day.
Today I am grateful for all that I have
Today I am grateful for the motivation to continue
Today I am grateful for my career
Today I am grateful for this blog
Today I am grateful for my ability to help my family
Today I am grateful for the therapists who work and support my threefold and help me understand them better
Today I am grateful for our family mission statement
Today I am grateful for family dinner
Today I am grateful for having help
Today I am grateful for my ability to choose to live in positivity.
I could lie, but I’m just going to be straight up and honest. My day 1 was mostly a bust. My head is still spinning and my thoughts are racing. Day 1 should be where all the motivation is. It’s the beginning, I should be the most excited on day 1. I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I let the negativity win today. I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for jumping into and meeting such high expectations of myself. It sucks. However, I do know all the places I went wrong.
I went to bed about 4:30am (ish), heavy on the ish. Not the best start considering I was supposed to be at work at 6:30am. I shouldn’t have even gone to sleep, but I wanted to rest for a minute even it was just relaxing. The exhaustion won and I guess i just shut down. I don’t remember turning off my alarm at 5:30am, but I did. At 7:00am I woke up and realized there wasn’t much point in trying to go in early. I tried to go ahead with the plan. I did a 10 minute meditation, but I was unable to focus on it. I couldn’t get my mind to clear. I journaled my intentions for the day. That wasn’t a difficult task. I did listen to the motivational speakers on the way to take 2 to treatment and on my drive in to work. Stumbling in a couple of hours past schedule, with only a couple of hours of sleep was enough to put me in a uphill battle against my own motivation.
I was fading and unfocused. I was lagging, I was taking too long to do stuff I knew how to do. By noon, I had a coffee, a coke and a 5 hour trying to try to keep me in the zone and focused on the tasks at hand. I managed to sell, complete my work, update customers, but I was definitely having a harder time keeping up and taking far longer than normal to complete the tasks I needed to. I pulled it off, and come 3pm I was headed to pick up 2. I did positive affirmations with a focus on ridding myself of anxiety and negativity on the way there and listened to a Ted talk on my way back to the office. I finished out my day and managed to not go off on anyone, get snappy, or jack anything up. So those are positives!
Once I left work I could feel the exhaustion settling in. I was becoming more irritable. I was definitely anxious and unfocused. My least favorite thing is to feel like I have 100% to strangers at work and that I was unable to give that same effort to my family. Work can drain me though because it feels like I have to plaster on the smile and amp up my positivity to do my job. By the time I get home I’m done with the fake and ready to settle in my feelings and decompress. Unfortunately that decompression is where I lose my “fake happy” and the true feelings show up. The frustration, the anxiety, the irritation, and the overall mood shift just makes me quiet and introspective. I really need to figure out the balance. I hate feeling like this and I know everyone is picking up on this energy. That’s why I’m doing this! That’s my motivation to feel better and to not pass on the disease of negativity to everyone around me.
It really is hard to get out of my own way and get out of my own head. I just didn’t have the energy today. I will try again tomorrow. I will do better tomorrow. I will be successful tomorrow. I am worth my own effort. I am worthy of my own time. I am not a prisoner to my past or to my future. I am free from my mistakes. I am working hard to change my life. I am healing. I am present. And so it is.
Accomplishments and Gratitude List for Day 1:
I REALLY wanted to call in to work. I went anyway and got a lot accomplished.
I am in the top 10 in the company this week for sales as of today.
I attempted meditation.
I completed 26 minutes straight of positive affirmations.
I listened to 30 minutes of motivational videos today.
I journaled my intentions for the day.
I completed my goals for July 2021
I completed my goals for the remainder of 2021. I scripted and am manifesting where I am going to be in my journey by January 1, 2022
I did another 30 minutes of positive ‘I am’ affirmations.
I danced it out and sang (badly) until I couldn’t hear my head over my music and my own voice.
I cooked dinner for the family (it was bussin’ or so I hear!)
I was able to smile and enjoy the family during dinner.
I gave myself a break from being perfect.
I am being honest about my struggles.
I never gave up and said the c word (can’t) when I knew everything wouldn’t be completed today. I still worked towards meeting the goals I knew I still could achieve today.
I am reframing my mind set to say tomorrow is an opportunity to do better than today. I am giving myself grace.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for my work.
I am thankful for the chance to try again.
I am thankful for this blog and my ability to express myself freely here.
Am I the only mom that thinks her kids are total a$$holes sometimes? Honestly. I need to know if it’s me being a bad mom to think that or if it’s actually a normal thing that none of us talk about. If it’s the latter, can we please just normalize it already so we can express our feelings. We have to have an outlet. We need some moms in our tribe that think like we do and don’t sit in judgment over everything you say, how you parent or how our little rays of sunshine and hope behave sometimes. I have up to 5 meanagers in my house at any given time and a 9 year old. With 4 girls running around you better believe we have all the drama of a daytime soap opera.
I need to be able to vent to someone out there that the crotch goblins are acting like complete punk a$$ heathens without having to say in the next breath “their my world and I love them so much!” Is that not a given? I mean what other relationship in your life would you allow the b!tching, moaning, complaining, moodiness, blaming, screaming, constant worry and anxiety, berating and tantrum throwing to be displayed and still sit there and validate their feelings and experiences. Consoling them, trying to teach them, love them through it and accept every apology without a second thought. That’s what moms do. They get disrespected and unappreciated on the regular, but they keep giving that unconditional love and forgiveness without hesitation. It’s an unbreakable bond. One minute you could squeeze their sweet cheeks and the next you’re so annoyed you could scream (and sometimes do). The ultimate emotional roller coaster is raising kids. Your feelings and mood can shift in an instant. The confused looks of “what did I do” and the smirks amongst your very serious reprimand can hit the wrong button on a mom and send her into the lecture they don’t want to hear for the hundredth time (probably millionth, truthfully) about being a family, respecting boundaries, doing chores or something else we always preach to the little miracles of our wombs non-listening ears.
So I bet you’re wondering what wonderful thing my meanagers had in store for me for me to say they are acting like a$$holes. In this house it’s 17, 15, 13 and 9 for the girls that live here. We have some add on kids occasionally, the boyfriend of the oldest and the person for my 13 year old. Anyways, with that said the older girls get along beautifully. Unfortunately that leaves the youngest of the defcon 4 bunch as the odd girl out. My meanagers act like everything 3 does is the worst ever. She gets sh!t from all of them. No one except me greets her with hugs when she walks in. No one says “oh did you have fun?” except me. No one asks her to tell them about school or her day or weekend away except me. She gets eye rolls. She gets attitude. She gets the blame for everything. Granted she does a lot of it, but we can buy more soap and food and soda. We can find your shorts and your t-shirt in the mountain of laundry. We can buy paint and clean it up. Should she respect boundaries, absolutely! Do hers get respected, nope. You want her to knock and not go through your things but bam who has whose shorts and t-shirt now? You don’t want her to get your things or go in your room if you aren’t there but whose charger did you just grab and demand the use of because you didn’t want to go upstairs for your own? I’m just saying. You can’t hold a 9 year old to a higher standard than you even hold yourself to. That’s just plain hypocritical. I don’t like anyone talking sh!t about the other people that reside in this home or visit it. It’s a hard limit for me. Everyone deserves the same right to a safe place to call home free of hostility. Everyone should feel loved and comfortable to be themselves. I don’t ask a lot of my kids, but I hate fighting, name calling, physical altercations, and blatant rudeness towards one another.
Now I know that as a meanager no one wants to hang out with the youngest. They aren’t old enough and definitely aren’t “swag” enough (or whatever the replacement word is for cool nowadays). And I get it! She is “annoying” sometimes, mainly because she wants attention FROM them, the big kids. She doesn’t have regard for personal boundaries, but neither did they at 9…or don’t they remember? She makes messes, eats their favorite snacks, steals their clothes, chargers, paint, soap, and whatever else you leave laying out for her idling hands to find. Again all things they did at that age too. She just wants be them, it’s really high praise, but they’ll never see that attention-seeking behavior. She wants be a part of the sisterhood that the others tend to have created between them, but she is unable to express it as well.
It was easier for 1 and 2 growing up. They had each other! 1 and 2 were inseparable from ages 2-10, they played together constantly and 1 would be the boss and make sure 2 was always the student when they played school. Oh the simplicity of the little years! They made their own videos “Two Awesome Sisters” and made up crafts, sang, danced, and told stories. 1 was the only person on the planet who could help when we didn’t understand what 2 was saying. 2 had a sever speech impediment and was sometimes very difficult to communicate with, but 1 could. It was an amazing bond. Like expected their four year age gap ended up separating them once 1 reached a certain age. 1 eventually got “too grown” to play the games, the barbies, the make-believe, and to make videos on YouTube with 2. 2 desperately wanted be a “big kid”. Her older sister started began doing her own thing leaving 2 in the dust of 1’s impending adolescence. It’s natural, that progression. There is no blame or fault in becoming an individual, having friends your own age, and changing interests and hobbies. While 1 was allowed to go about finding her own identity, 2 found a new playmate to entertain her. She could now be the teacher, because she had 3 to fall back on. Yet here we are again in the crossroads of the age gap. With a little short of 3 1/2 years separating 2 from 3 and a whopping 7 1/2 years between 1 and 3, the oldest two rekindled that bond they had several years prior. They are amazingly close and I am so thankful that they don’t fight and fuss like typical teenage girls. They share some similar interests and have many shared experiences. They have reconnected in the most beautiful way. My point is 1 and 2 always had options. 3 isn’t ready for the independence that those pre-teen and teenage years have to offer. She is still very much into make believe and story telling. 3 doesn’t have that younger sibling to fall back on like 2 did. (And this momma’s baby making machine is on permanent disability)! She didn’t get the many years of bonding with her older siblings. She is out of the loop. She is lonely and wants to be a “big kid” but isn’t ready do more than pretend to be one. The picking fights and taking things is very much 3’s way of getting their attention. She is desperately seeking their approval and if she doesn’t have that then she will get their attention one way or another. Positive or negative. Attention is attention.
Sometimes I wish that DEFCON 4 (I am liking that!) could see the forever friendships they will have in each other if they nurture and grow the relationship with one another instead of pushing away. I hate to admit that one day it will just be them. I will not be here forever to help them bridge their gaps. It will be up to them to be there for each other when life is sh!tty and all they want is to quit. 1 will always be the nurturer, the one forced to grow up and help raise those kids while I worked. She is the one that huh them while they cry, tell them everything will be okay and give them a million ways that they are deserving of happiness. They will reach for her first if they need comfort and support. 2 will be the one to give you her opinion and tell you how to change it. She will be the one they go to if they want the truth and not sugar coated lies. She will give them honesty, be their sounding board, and be the voice that offers advice (even if you don’t ask out right!) The one with the tough love, but big love. I’m not quite sure what role 3 will play in the DEFCON 4/threefold dynamic yet. For now, I am seeing she will be the silly one, looking to lighten the mood, the legs go have fun, go shopping, go out to eat, dance it out. She is a ham and loves being out, having fun and loves to shop. She will be the one they call if they want to escape the present and just get out, if they need retail therapy or a night on the town. 3 will be the one they call to make them laugh through the pain and remember life is meant to enjoy. Bonus Kid isn’t mine but I can only hope she will be someone that they can call in the many years ahead. I hope she gives them the favorite parts of her dad. She will be the one to offer endless positivity. She will be the one they call when they need someone to tell them how amazing they are and that things are never as bad as their head tells them. She will be a cheering them on and making them see all the good things life has in store for them. It will be beautiful if they remember that their ties are forever. Their sisters for life. Their each one another’s emotional support person in one way or another. Two Awesome Sisters Squared!
To the man that has become the center of my universe and the man that stepped up and stepped in when we needed an anchor in the sea of life. You are cherished, you are loved, and you are appreciated. Thank you for being a person who radiates positivity, who supports us in every way, who believes in us, who cheers for us. Your generosity to not just me, but to my threefold is beyond astounding to me. For everything you are we thank you.
If I’m being honest I didn’t think men like you existed. I know you probably are rolling your eyes and thinking I am over exaggerating your greatness. I’m not. You’re what every person wishes they had in a partner. I’m still not sure how I got so lucky and I definitely don’t know what I did to deserve you. Your magnetic energy pulls at the people around you. Your positivity is contagious. You see the good in people and situations, but not to a fault. You believe in that our perspective shapes our reality and you choose to have an optimistic perspective on the world. You’re a giver. You give so much of yourself to everything you do and to every person in your life without expectations. You love big, you work hard, and you play harder. You make life more fun. You make it brighter and more special. You’re not scared to be silly. You don’t care what anyone thinks of you. You’re confident and self assured. You’re the definition of amazing and I couldn’t dream of a man that would love me better than you do. Thank you for showing me that happily ever after isn’t just a fairytale or a love song.
I’m not good at vulnerability or communication or conflict or being positivity patty. You’ve helped me grow in each of these areas. I am better equipped to show my weakness and accept your help even when I haven’t admitted I needed it. You know how stressful the past few weeks have been. I’ve pushed myself beyond all my limits and completely broken down on more than one occasion. You stepped to the plate. You helped with anything and everything you could to make it easier for me. You supported the girls through it and allowed us all a safe place to vent our fears and feelings. Even on the worst days you were there to help me pick up the pieces and be a rock for me amidst the chaos. Today when I could feel the anxiety of stress creeping into my head space because the dryer broke and it was just another thing on the list of to do’s that has been piling so high lately. You took charge and completely stunned me by purchasing a new one. Like no big deal. Then happily went on to install a locking knob on the garage door. I was speechless. That’s a big thing but all the little things that you do I see those too. Helping clean up when you know I’ve run myself ragged and I’m completely out of gas. Taking care of the yard without complaining. Helping with everyday things and making my life easier and my stress level come down a notch. You’ve saved my sanity on numerous occasions. Telling me everything will be ok and holding me while I cry. Allowing me to be mad, frustrated, upset, sad, confused and not making feel like I have to be the perfect picture of a partner and a mother. You are a breath of fresh air when I am drowning in it all. You’re everything I will ever need or want, and I don’t tell you that enough my love.
Your relationship with my threefold is where I get emotional. They call you “bestie” and they love you fiercely. In you they find a man that encompasses the definition of dad. They’ve lacked a male figure that loves them without conditions, without holding them to impossible standards, freely without expectations. You allow them to be kids, have faults, be irritable, have opinions, and validate their feelings. These are all things that seem trivial, but when you don’t have that it’s so much more. They find your healthy love and support of them “weird”. It’s “weird” because it’s not something we have had the experience of knowing. When you are fun and playful and have a good attitude, it’s different. When you help with household chores and don’t complain, it’s different. When you speak with love and approach situations with understanding, it’s a weird approach for them. It’s unfortunate that they didn’t have a relationship that fostered healthy communication and love. Thank you for being the first person to show them that all men aren’t the same, there are good ones and that they deserve and are worthy of love and respect. It is something that money can’t buy and that takes a special person to do.
You’re the man that stepped up and stepped in when no one asked you to. Not for the credit or the titles, not because you wanted to be the dad, but because you saw three little girls that needed consistency, nurturing, and security. I will never begin to be able to repay you for the love and patience you’ve shown them and I. I can only hope that you feel loved and appreciated for the role you have played in our lives. You’ve earned our love and respect. Thanks for being you, boo. We know you aren’t perfect and we don’t need you to be. We just want you perfectly imperfect for us. I’d be stupid not to marry you. I want forever with you and the girls, J included. I thank J for being the amazing person she is and sharing you with my threefold and I. She is a lucky girl to have such an amazing dad. We are lucky that you stepped up and stepped in when you didn’t have to. I love you E. Xoxo. M