Tag: #chooselove

Posted on by — Leave a comment

The Over IT Over Haul…My Decision to Make 2023 For Me!

There is a song that plays incessantly on the radio. You’ve heard it either via TikTok, your own indulgence in pop music or because your children also control your play list when in the car. If not, then consider an upbeat tune that has a happy and fast pace beat. Once you’ve got that down, listen to the words. “Do you ever get a little bit tired of life? Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die?” That’s the one. The song, entitled, “Numb Little Bug” by Em Beihold.

If it wasn’t a hypothetical question I would scream from the rooftops; “YES!” However, it is hypothetical, and no one actually cares when a mom says “I’m over it!”

Honestly, that phrase is a daily mantra spoken at my house, and expletives can be added for a more realistic and dramatic impact where needed. I’ve decided, therefore, I’m in need of an over haul. Welcome to my over it over haul and my decision to make 2023 for ME!

Over What? Over IT!

I am so over “it”! Over what? All of it. The constant battle for balance. The incessant worry. My insecurity. Obsessing over money, kids, and work. I am exhausted. I have completely pushed myself to burn out. I am burnt out and ready to burn it down to the ground. It’s time for an overhaul. An over it over haul!

Imperfect and Inspired

I’m getting absolutely nowhere waiting for everything to stop being so difficult. I’m not perfect, but this “all or none” attitude I have adopted is hindering my ability to make the changes I need to and stick with them. If change is what needs to take place, then I’m where it has to take place.

I’m an old fan of the quote “BE the change you want to see…” A quote that came from an interpretation of Gandhi’s quote about being a mirror to the world.

Another inspirational quote that I use often to motivate me to be more present and positive is, “You can’t wait for life to not be hard anymore, before you decide to be happy!” Which is a quote from Jane Marczewski. In addition, it is one that reminds me of my brother, as he introduced me to this quote amidst some an extremely difficult time for me.

You may remember a previous post I wrote back in 2021. It was entitled Journey to Positivity. My other creation was my Goal Getter Guide, in which I shared how I managed to reach my goals despite the challenging circumstances that were complicating my daily life.

Overhaul Objectives

The previous posts I have written and the steps I took prior to this point are all relevant to this process. They were designed to help me level up and guide me through my journey. They served me well. This overhaul is designed to help rediscover that path. I am looking to realign with my desires. I am looking for opportunities, risks, and actions I need to take in order to make forward progress towards catching my dreams; not just chasing them.

Now, I am giving the objectives I plan to accomplish with this overhaul. I’ll say that healing and self growth are an evolving process. I am constantly thinking of ways I can better myself as a person, be more content, and how I can keep momentum in my self-awareness journey. There is no “quick fix,” and life doesn’t come with an “easy” button.

Objectives

  • Realign with my purpose, goals, and desires.
  • Find a routine/schedule that is prioritizing my needs and allowing balance in all aspects of my life.
    • Selfcare
    • Family
    • Marriage
    • Hobbies
  • Set and achieve goals that are important for my continued success.
  • Create more opportunities for my future and the future of my family.
  • Communicate with an openess to receive criticism, improve, and to grow.
  • Continued healing and mental health improvement
  • Finding peace of mind, contentment, and positivity by silencing the inner critic.
  • Create solutions to the problems that weigh on me that are in my control.
  • Learn to better control my emotions, my reactions, and my assumptions.

Forward Trajectory

In short, I am capable of making changes to reach my desired destination. I am stubborn. I am competitive, and I am driven to be the best version of myself for myself and also for those around me. I am particularly passionate about my self growth and healing journey. I will accomplish my goals. I am deserving of more than what I give to myself. I am in control of my narrative, my attitude, my actions, and reactions. I am ultimately responsible for overhauling any behavior that is not aligned with my desired path.

Now I plan. I will let you know how I propose to meet these objectives and reignite my passion without burning out. It’s time to say “I’m in it” and not “I’m over it.” Therefore, I’m ready for this overhaul. I wish you all the peace, love, and happiness in your journey! Check in on Facebook for my daily updates on the over it overhaul. As always, me and you, we’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊 ~M

Posted on by — 2 Comments

An Open Letter to My Daughter Becoming a Mom

Dear Sweet Little Love,

I feel like it wasn’t too terribly long ago that I looked into your beautiful baby blue eyes and saw this new life in you that made me a mom. A little nose like mine and strawberry fuzz that covered your crown. You were magnificent and I knew that I too was reborn that day. You made me a momma, and in your little face I had found my truest love to date.

I was only 19, barely on my own path and I was suddenly diving headfirst into a world that previously had involved the occasional messy diaper and few other minor inconveniences that my babysitting jobs entailed. I had no experience with your tiniest of frames at 17 1/2″ and 6lb 8oz you were much like a baby doll i had once drug around as a small child.

I was just a baby myself, much like you are now, my sweet little love. I was freshly plucked from my fast life as a teenager and tossed into this world of Motherhood. I was grateful beyond measure for a family that a seasoned pro ready to spoil her first grandchild and a poppa who thought you hung the moon. Foe the first time, I saw how hard it was to be the mom. It was an appreciation I hadn’t known prior to your arrival.

Here we are, a mere 18 years later and I’m standing the shoes your Nana once wore, without her here pushing me on. I watch as your still tiny frame tries to accommodate your own little girl. I never thought about being a Nona, Mimi, Nana, or a Mamaw past that “one day” assumption. Yet here we stand. Footsteps that I didn’t wish for you to follow. A path that’s hard to tread at your young age.

Everything will be harder. It will, however, be clearer. You’ve already decided certain aspects of this little person’s life that will impact their life for the future. A name, a nickname, where you’ll live and all things you want, hope, and dream she will be. However, who she is will be shaped and determined by the paths we as the family who surrounds her chooses to take. As you know, my little love, children are most often along for the journey chosen by those who raise her.

I hope with your own journey in mind that you know this much is true. I am here. I am still your momma even as you become a momma yourself. I can still kiss the boo boo’s, but I can’t take the falls. I can hold you as you scream, but no matter my desire I can’t shoulder the pain. I can guide you, show you and teach you the lessons I’ve learned but I can’t transfer the experience. I can be like the grandmother that was taken from you 14 years ago, but I will never be Nana you knew, nor the momma you are now.

Life has thrown us a lot of punches. We’ve taken the hits and learned to fight back. You and I grew up together, myself as much as you. I was forced to walk this road down Motherhood lane much on my own. I haven’t been the mother you deserved, nor always the one you needed me to be, but I’ve been the best I knew how to be. You, my little love, will too. Mommin’ aint easy, but I’ll be here for you, with you, and loving you through it as long as I live. You’ve got this, my sweet little love! You’re as tough as a mother. I can’t wait to see the amazing person you’ve created and watch you become the momma you never knew you were destined to be. I’m proud to be your momma. Soon, you’ll understand just what a mother’s love truly means.

☮️❤️😊 I love you!

~Momma

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Be Mine…Everyday

It’s Valentine’s Day. For others it’s just a Monday. The chocolate and the flowers are no where to be found. Men are dashing through stores trying to find the last of the cheesy cards that weren’t picked over on the shelves. Ladies are holding onto hope for their guy to buy them shitty chocolate and the flowers that will die after only few days. Some will get sparkly jewelry, fancy restaurants, or a planned event. Everyone who is on the ‘just another day on the calendar’ train will be busying themselves with whatever anti-Valentine’s day plans they have. It’s that commercialized bullshit holiday where couples are supposed to show their admiration for one another. Well I’m not buying a damn thing.

I made my gift last year and did the same this year. I don’t even know why this holiday exists. The kids have parties at school and trade candy, cards, or dollar store trinkets. The teenagers gush about what their boyfriends will do for them. As an adult though, I’m just going to do what I normally would do. Unlike most people my normal involves sweet notes, cringeworthy crafts, back rubs, snuggleupits, and even some after hours entertainment *wink*.

I really don’t get the obligatory day of celebration. I don’t know why we wait for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and other days to show love and appreciation. It’s the ordinary that is made amazing when you’re in love. It’s the little things everyday that make you feel loved. If I receive flowers on a random Tuesday it means more than the obligatory flowers given on this day. Acts of love and showing appreciation shouldn’t be reserved for a particular occasion. It should be done regularly, if not daily.

Here are a Few Things I Love to Give and Receive All Year Long:

  • Date night- make a plan and go do something. Whether it’s dinner or just a walk. The point is to spend time together, alone.
  • Good morning notes-whether a text or a handwritten note. Start your love’s day off with some sweet inspiration.
  • Buy a treat- Do they have a favorite drink or guilty pleasure? Grab it! Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream will get you far with me!
  • Massage- Who doesn’t love a good rub down after a long day at work?
  • Break out the dirty talk- send a message about what you want. It’ll be fun to see their reaction and you may just explore some new bedroom adventures!
  • Snuggle up- Just relax and snuggle while watching some tv or reading. Just be together.
  • Go to breakfast- wake up early and grab some breakfast before work. It’s an awesome way to start the day.
  • Plan a Trip
  • Make a video montage of your favorite memories.
  • Write down the reasons you love your person. {I used paint samples from Lowe’s & gave him the stack}

I did receive my sweet little gifts today. I received my card, chocolate, and my stuffed animal ‘Sunshine’ the good vibes squishmallow. I am grateful to have someone who makes me feel special on bullshit commercial holidays like this one. I am shown that love every day and that’s what is meaningful. It’s in the everyday little things that show love and consideration. That’s why I am ready to go snuggleupit and enjoy this Monday with my man. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 4 Comments

Real Talk Realizations

Normally I’d have some inspirational post to start off the month. It would be part of my ‘Goal Getters’ series. It would mention all the goals I made and how I reached each one. I would give little hints to how you can also accomplish your goals with a ‘Goal Getter’ mindset like mine. It would be a fluff piece, full of positivity. It would have promised that with a few changes you can live the life you’ve been dreaming of and you can be the person you aspire to be. It would be inspirational.

THIS is NOT that piece. I’ve warned you. I have no inspirational tales of how I accomplished my goals and manifested my dream life during the month of January. I have no motivational speeches where I spit all the shit you should’ve done and shouldn’t have done. My positivity push was completely flushed down the drain when the new year began. I’m not sure why I had such a rocky start. I’m not sure where my ‘Goal Getter’ attitude and my motivational mantras went. I guess I left them in 2021 with everything else I learned last year. I know my negativity is not needed in your world either, but I promised to keep it real and this is as real as it gets. Real talk.

I had high hopes and high expectations for 2022. It was going to be the year everything started falling into place. It was supposed to be the year that I took the lessons from 2020 and 2021 and found my purpose. My plan was big, but is it too big? Maybe I still have a lot to learn if I’m going to give up on my dreams and my goals after 30 days. Who the hell am I? That’s not the girl with the grit and grind goal getter attitude. I’m NOT a quitter. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a quitter. What the hell is happening?

I wrote three pieces, THREE, about my funked up attitude. I was aware that I was not on the right path to achieve my goals. I wrote eleven pieces in January. Seven blog posts of the eleven were not positive entries. The others could be positive, but mainly focused more on the past. I posted on Facebook for my page ‘My Threefold’ more than 30 times in January. Most were snarky posts I made about mom-life and men. They did well when it came to getting likes. They had a lot of humor, sarcasm and relatable anecdotes, but they were mainly negative.

So here we are. A month into the new year and I’m pissed off. I’ve failed miserably at making this year the year I found my peace of mind and my happy ending. I’ve been patient. I’ve been positive {mostly} for a whole year. I’ve made the right decisions and done my best even when I was at my worst. Yet here I am, still. Searching for the lesson in all this stressing! I feel, defeated. I feel, cheated. I feel most of all like maybe I’m not ever going to get to the good part. I feel like something is missing. What have I missed? Why do I feel like this?

After a long time of self reflection and trying to find the missing piece I was still none the wiser. I know I’m impatient. I know I have been asking for a lot over the past year. I’ve received a lot, so I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I just need to know what gives? What do I need to do to make this year THE year? What more do I have to do to prove that I’m a good person who deserves to get to the good part? When do I get back some of what I’ve lost and get to live out my happily ever after fantasy? When? I’m asking with all the faith I have left!

I was sulking and pouting about life. I was mad at the world for not working with me. I was sitting in the cold, in my truck alone, feeling sorry for myself away from the eyes of my family and the ‘calm down’ that I would receive as a well meaning reply from ‘E’. I didn’t want or need him to tell me ‘it will all work out in time.’ No, I wanted my happiness now. I deserve it. That’s when I found it. The answer. The missing piece. Alone in my truck. With no one to blame for not realizing it but myself. It was obvious. Too simple.

What was I not doing? I realized I had been too busy worrying about what hadn’t happened. I was constantly waiting for the next thing to fall into place. I was setting all of these goals. I was even accomplishing many of them, but I was quickly moving to the next one. ‘What now? What next?’ I was doing everything I was supposed to do and I was getting everything I wanted. I was working for all of it. That is all true. I was going through all the motions, but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel the emotions. I wasn’t celebrating my accomplishments. I wasn’t looking at all the good that came with my accomplishments. I just went straight into my next challenge. I couldn’t see all the good that is right here, right now. I was too busy searching and waiting for the next thing to give me that quick fix of happiness. The truth is I wasn’t enjoying what I do have.

I’m not going to have it all at once. Hard happens even when we feel like we are doing everything right. Good happens even when we don’t see it. I don’t want to be so caught up in the grit and grind of goal getting that I forget the good that is happening all around me. So I’m skipping my ‘Goal Getter’ post for February. I will never stop working to be better, but I will start enjoying the person I am right now and the person I am becoming. I will celebrate my successes. I will be humble with a hint of Kanye about how there may not be an I in awesome, but there is me! I will choose to be happy with everything I have now and stop waiting for the good part. The good part is happening, and I’m too focused on the future to enjoy the present. That’s my new goal for 2022. When I accomplish that, I will have the year I set out to have. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 5 Comments

Funk Off!

It’s been about a week since I posted about the funk I had been in for what felt like a couple of weeks. I was over it. I was so irritated and easily triggered even I was getting on my nerves! I sat down trying to figure out why. Once I started pinpointing my issues I knew I had to find a way to debunk that funk! My attitude is my choice.

I said I would share my methods and here I am. Defunkifying myself wasn’t as easy as I had hoped, but I pushed through and found away to get the funk away. I felt like outside factors were the source. The truth is, however, that I was responsible for my response to those outside factors. I was allowing myself to get wrapped up in the negative aspects of every facet of my life.

I decided Sunday it was time I fight off the funk before it funked up my progress. I did NOTHING on Sunday. It sound like it’s easy, but it’s not, especially with my threefold and what a difficult time I have had just relaxing. I didn’t feel guilty, for the most part. Ok, I really did feel guilty for it, but I pushed past that. I laid around in fuzzy pants and wore house slippers all day. I said no multiple times and held my ground with my Sunday none day. I needed to recharge and relax before the week ahead.

Sunday, I set my goals for the week. I sat down and got intentional with my plan. I couldn’t just leave the week to chance. I needed to decide what I wanted so I had a clear cut path to get those things. I’ve found this is always is my best course of action. I despise making promises to myself and breaking them.

With my goals in mind I forged through the week with determination to not be a negative Nancy. I was going to be better. Go through each day as if I was trying to beat the prior day. Quit complaining and start doing something to change the things that were throwing my energy out of whack. Mindless complaining and irritation wasn’t serving me or making anything better. In fact, it was making it worse, because I was focusing my thoughts on the bad stuff and the things I wasn’t happy about. Instead of continuing to just wait for the circumstances to change, I needed to figure out what I could do to change them now, not later.

  • Time Management
  • My threefold
  • Work
  • Relationship
  • Money
  • Divorce

These areas are what I needed to take action on if my mood was going to change. So I got to work on what was bothering me and how I could make improvements in these areas to better serve myself. It was all about finding where I would be able to change the circumstances that were throwing off my energy surrounding these topics. I got to work.

Time Management: This one is still such a nightmare for me. Maybe it’s ADHD that makes me so unconcerned with time. 15 minutes late is an accomplishment for me in nearly every situation. It’s considered a known fact at work, I will be late or on ‘M Time’ as we jokingly call it. I did however become more mindful this week of the time. I did my best to make sure I was on time(ish) and be less anxious around my time restraints.

My Threefold: This one is a big source of stress right now. It seems like with three kids one is always out of whack. I just wish they could all be good simultaneously! I’ve been struggling with the youngest (#3). This week it all blew up on Monday. After a ‘I hate you’ and some other choice words from #3, I could’ve totally gone ballistic. I could’ve let my whole week go straight to shit, but I mommed that situation so well. {In my not so humble opinion} I’ve held to my disciplinary actions and stayed consistent with reward and punishment. By Wednesday, I started seeing the improvements I needed to in her. Today, we are on a four day good behavior streak. That’s something we haven’t seen around here in a while!

Work: I’m a workaholic. That’s not something I say lightly. I know, it’s not always a beneficial habit to feel compelled to work in order to feel accomplished and reduce my anxiety surrounding my need to feel like I’m a beneficial part of a team. It definitely spills over into my home life.

At work, I’m an overachiever. I feel like I have to be the best. Seeing my name at #2 in sales makes me cringe. Not being on the top 10 nationwide makes me feel like I’m not doing it right. Bad reviews, I take them personally and careless mistakes will make me mad for days. Yep, I’m a one-upper Olivia at work. In the words of Ricky Bobby ‘if ya ain’t first, your last.’ Monday is M-day. It’s my day off every week. There are many weeks I find myself smack dab behind my desk catching up on my work. Not this week though. I took off, for real. No emails, no business calls, and only a couple texts to answer the questions from my coworkers about pressing issues. The rest of the week I did my thing. At night I turned it off, as much as I was itching to open my emails, I resisted. It’s difficult for me, but I see that I’m less stressed and anxious about work at home if I’m not working.

My relationship: Well I love ‘E’ and I’m explicit about that fact. It’s not always easy and I’m definitely a handful. I overthink and can be quite the sensitive sally at times. I can go from a good time to an emotional mess in less time it takes to cook cheese sticks in an air fryer. {I do love my air fryer!} Sometimes I need to fact check my thoughts, because I’m quick to assume and not as quick to ask for clarification. No fighting this week or silly arguments that I blow out of proportion. I was needing a no argument week. Most of those arguments start because I assume and let my head overwhelm me with untrue assumptions.

Money: Not fixed, but I did file my taxes! So here’s to expecting refund and praying the IRS isn’t backlogged. I’m hoping I got in on the first round before everyone and their momma starts their filing. Praying for no whammies and big money!

The impending trial for the finalization of all the terms my ex and I haven’t agreed up {which is everything} is less than a few weeks away. I’m anxious, but it’s not because I think I’ll lose. I’m anxious to have to speak the truth in open court. I have to do all of this crap I don’t feel like I should. I get less than $75 per month per child in child support. Do the math! I have them all but 4 days per month. I carry their insurance and his. Then he goes and buys this $30k Harley!!! I was pissed! I am over her scrapping and going on a thrift shop treasure hunt to find halfway decent hand me downs for growing kids. He is over there blowing every dollar he has. I was livid.

I realized, besides court delays from Covid, his intentional dragging out the process has been to spite me. He wants me to fail. He wants me to be miserable. It’s the only hand he has left to play. The deck is stacked in my favor. That is what pisses him off. Yet, I let his manipulative behavior and his downright rude attitude to do exactly what he wants. I try not to show it, and definitely not with my threefold, but with others when I speak of it, you can hear the downright contempt in my voice.

This week I told him some hard truths. I was matter of fact and it made me feel better. I spoke to my lawyer and formulated a plan. I spoke with others I needed to in the process and handled my side of things. I still have a bit to do, but all in all, I feel better knowing that I’m in control over my reaction and he can’t have the satisfaction of my failure or misery.

Now, I keep going. Setting goals and intentions. I keep noticing my feelings and what is causing them. I keep working to do better, everyday. It’s not ever going to be perfect. There will always be ups and downs in life. When I’m in that down pattern it’s important that I recognize why so I can fix it before it becomes more. Staying positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M