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A Heartbreaking Letter to Santa

Dad is the REAL Grinch

My heart is broken. I am angry and sad. Tonight, my daughter {#3 of my threefold, age 11} wrote her letter to Santa. She admitted she wants a lot for Christmas, but what she wanted most was to be able to see her dad. This shouldn’t be a request, a gift, or even a thought. You would assume that it would be an easy Christmas wish to grant. However, it’s not. This is because her dad, is the real Grinch.

The man she calls dad is not going to see her this Christmas or any of the three daughters that bear his name. It’s sad. It’s sad, because while he lives and breathes and walks this earth each day, he has chosen not to be a dad. The calls are rare, the visits are nonexistent, and the manipulation is heavy. Instead, drugs and toxic cycles of abuse and manipulation are his legacy.

Snapshots of Dad

The man she knows as dad chose drugs over being a parent. He chose his own selfish desires over being a dad. He chose a life that has no place for children and no room for a relationship with them. Its sad. Tragic and heartbreaking. My 11 year old wants a dad that he cannot be for her or her sisters. She compares him to the grinch. Bad on the outside, but deep down he is good. However, no matter how much we struggle even in “recovery” he refuses to be a participant in parenting.

A year ago he had money to spare from his 100k  inheritance and sat unemployed. He smirked as he bought a new motorcycle, drums, camera, phone, computer and the list goes on.He went on vacation and to concerts. He bought drugs and partied regularly. Meanwhile, I struggled to pay our rent and buy Christmas for my threefold.

6 months ago, he had already pawned everything he owned. The one thing he had left was the car that he traded his 2022 Harley in for. That car became his home.
This man who had physically, emotionally and financially abused mythreefold and I called ME for help and because I wanted to be better, I helped. I checked him into rehab. Drove him to the facility and even bought him the things he needed. I housed his belongings and kept his friends updated. I had divorced him, moved on with my life, but still tried for my threefold.

After Rehab, I got him into a sober living facility. A week in and he left. He showed up at my door and demanded his belongings. I told him we were done. I stood strong as he towered over me in my own yard. I called the police and he left.

All of this followed by a week of hell and we were scared as he sat stranded without gas money just a few miles from our home. Finally, he was rescued by a friend and he left town. He had vanished 500 miles away to live with his younger brother on the opposite side of the state.

Wish Ungranted

Months went by and we hadn’t heard from them. Last month, he began communicating with #3, the only one that still has affection for him. The one that still wants to believe his lies and sees hope in his darkness. The one that sees the good inside the grinch. I wish I could fix the bad, but I can’t. Mom is not made of magic.

Now, this. A letter to Santa. After 28 weeks of combined trauma care and crisis intervention for my youngest two daughters. I work my life away to provide the life we have. Up to 50 hours per week, side hustles, and resourcefulness. I don’t receive financial support from the government, nor do i get support from him. This is my hard work, blood, sweat and tears. Its that of the man that stepped up. This is 50k in medical debt, scrounging for grocery and bill money, a vehicle with a blown engine and prayers for a Christmas miracle that includes gifts under our tree. This. A gift I can’t give. The Christmas wish I won’t be granting. Although she understands, she doesn’t see how much I want to give her the dad she needs him to be, not the grinch he chose to be.

Per the request of readers & followers of My Threefold donations for My Threefold can be made via cash app $mythreefold or venmo @my3threefold. ☮️❤️😊~M

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To the Man my Children Call ‘Dad’

It’s Father’s Day again. Another year you missed being a part of. What’s your excuse? I’m sure it’s my fault, somehow and some way. It always is. I kept them from you, I poisoned them against you, and I asked for a life that means I have to play both parts. In your mind, that’s the picture you paint.

Again, it’s Father’s Day and this year you actually saw all three kids and took them to the park then the mall. I even bought a card for them to sign. It wasn’t much, but I figured they wouldn’t want to see you empty handed. I’m glad they got to spend the day with you. After all, they don’t get to spend much time with you even though they had hoped things would be better and not worse.

I was seething with anger last year, but this Father’s Day, I am just sad for them. I am sad for my threefold who have spent a year begging you to be the dad they hoped for and the one they deserve. Yet, that’s not the father they got.

Instead, they have you as an example of what happens when you flush everything down the toilet, when you lie, cheat, use and steal. They get their father as an example of what happens when you excuse your faults and blame others for your mistakes. It’s truly sad, but it’s a lesson I will hope that they will learn from. A hard one.

You have lost everything. What’s it going to take? I wonder. You’ve stopped trying. First, you lost me, which should’ve just been a stepping stone to figuring out where you wanted to go in life, but it wasn’t. Next the kids, they stopped calling and visiting. Next, your job. Then girlfriend #1, and then all visitation ceased. Later, you lost the one person who loved you and supported you unconditionally. I think that’s what broke you.

Losing your grandmother was the one thing that broke your heart the most. Ever since it’s been another lost job, and another. You lost our old apartment and then your car. Just when you thought it would get better you bought a motorcycle instead of helping with your kids. You lost more visitation and then you lost your mind supposedly.

It didn’t take long for girlfriend #2 to see the manipulation and abuse you had put on those around you. You sold everything worth anything and then lost that too. The motorcycle, the car, the rent free living situation. Now another job. Finally, you’ve hit what I can only assume as rock bottom. You are homeless. You live in your car. You make no money and are barely scraping by day to day.

This Father’s Day is one where the sadness hits a low. I don’t know anymore if you’ll be here next Father’s Day and to even have that thought is sad. It’s true though, I’m not sure how you’ve managed to lose everyone around you, but there are three girls still hoping that you will become the dad they wanted and the dad they deserve. I’m hoping you find some peace in your path. This Father’s Day is here to show you that children give second chances, and third, and hope even when there is little proof that it will change. ☮️❤️😊~M

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To the Narcissistic Father of My Children:

To the Narcissist who fathered my three girls:

It’s been a while since we have spoken. However, today we did and I listened as you complained about how I have withheld visitation from you. I heard you as you spoke about my inability to communicate in a healthy way. I was forced to hear you blaming me for everything that our children are going through. I saw you roll your eyes when you saw the diagnosis of ‘trauma disorder’ listed on the paperwork. I saw the look of disgust on your face as I talked about recommendations for medication given by the doctors. I saw your eyes as they lit up as you listened to the way our daughter terrorized the household and felt the need to defend your every move.

#1 is the conformer of the group. She is the one that doesn’t rock the boat. She abides by the rules. I hear the constant apologies and the overwhelming guilt. She feels like if she makes herself small that she will stay safe.

#2 is the rebellious one. She spoke up so all of this is her fault. She is the scapegoat, the black sheep who started this all. You blame her for everything. You tried to shun her for being honest about your abuse. The abuse is ongoing. The fact is, she never stopped loving you only herself. She cut her body to shreds and tore her skin open, yet you still don’t see the pain you’ve caused. How are you so blind?

#3 is the golden child who does nothing wrong. She hasn’t seen the abuse the way her sisters have. The psychological torment you have inflicted is what she struggles with most. She is too young to understand, but she will. She is your last ally. You ply her with treats and gifts. Nonetheless, she still sees you as the super hero that does no wrong. You are the good guy. Your lies and manipulation are always forced onto her as truth. As a result, you have turned her against her sisters and I. She is your last hope, but you’ll hurt her too.

Then there is me. The ex wife who is crazy and tries to keep you from your kids. I am the only one that knows you and the monster inside. The marks on my face you once called love. The scars that are still left behind from the past remind me of that monster everyday.

Yet, I’m still standing. I’m still cleaning up the messes you leave behind. I work twice as hard now to protect these girls. I work even harder to provide for them. While you try to buy their love and affection, I earn it with my presence and consistency. I’m not the perfect person, and definitely not the perfect mom. However, I try my best every day, for them.

I will keep going and I will keep getting better. They are worth it. I hope one day you will appreciate their love for you and all the chances they give you to change. Maybe one day you’ll take the opportunity. However many times they choose to forgive you is a choice they make. Even if you hurt them every time, somehow, they are the ones that always take the first step to fix it.

I just hope that you don’t take the last pieces of them and destroy them completely. Although, I’m terrified that you will. I’m never going to keep them from you. In all honesty, I wish you would go away. Maybe then, they would have a chance to love themselves as I love them. I pray one day they will see themselves through a different lens than the one you created. Until then, I’ll be the mom they need me to be and work twice as hard to help them heal.

In case you didn’t know. I’ve got this.

~M

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Trauma Talk: Healing Past Trauma

Healing past trauma takes time, patience, and hard work. The affects of trauma on the brain affects it’s ability to function. In turn, we begin to think, behave, and react in ways that are reflections of that trauma. Yesterday, I gave a list of 21 questions to work through when processing trauma. Today, I will dive into those first three questions. In the end, I hope to understand my trauma better. I aim to further my healing and personal growth.

healing traums

Questions for Healing Past Trauma

  1. How do I feel responsible for the pain and trauma inflicted on me in the past?
  2. In what ways do I allow the past to negatively impact my present and my feelings about the future?
  3. Who do I need to forgive and why?

How Do I Feel Responsible?

I hold myself responsible for my trauma because I allowed it to happen. My responsibility is that I didn’t leave sooner. As a result, I allowed the abuse of myself and my girls to occur. Consequently, I now hold a great deal of guilt knowing I am complicit in the abuse of myself and my threefold. Although, I was not an active participant I am guilty by staying silent. I enabled my abuser.

How Does the Past Affect Me?

This one could go on for days. I feel trauma has affected every part of my me. I am less trusting, both of myself and others. Foremost, I would say it changed my perception of myself. One upon a time I was an outgoing, fun and flirty girl with no cares. Afterwards, I am more self deprecating and watered down. I am slowly finding my identity again, but it has taken time.

For a long time, I felt like I didn’t have a voice. Anytime I spoke up it was wrong. Furthermore, I was told that what I felt was not valid. If I thought differently then it was my perception that needed adjustment. As a result, I doubt my every feeling. Now that my voice is back, I feel I am too quick to speak up. It’s like I’m scared if I don’t speak my mind as the feeling arises that I may lose that voice again.

I apologize constantly. I am always saying I’m sorry even if it wasn’t my fault or completely out of my control. It sounds disingenuous now. Honestly, I’m a fraud. I’m not sorry. Sorry, not sorry. The worst part is that I know it’s not my fault but I make it my own fault in my head. I believe it is because I always was told I was to blame.

I over analyze EVERYTHING. Im the most anxious person. I have racing thoughts and they are so loud they keep me up at night. As a result, I am constantly thinking about what I need to do. Where I am supposed to go. Who needs what and how the hell I’m going to get it all done. As a result, I don’t make decisions quickly. I am unable to focus fully on conversations or mindless tasks. Consequently, I am messy, disorganized and scatter brained.

Who do I Need to Forgive to Begin Healing My Past Trauma?

First, I need to forgive myself. To promote my healing, I need to forgive myself for allowing the abuse of my girls and I. I need to find patience and understanding with myself. I need to remember that I am not the abuser. Afterall, I am a survivor of that abuse too. Next, I need to forgive myself for not escaping sooner. Lastly, I need to forgive myself for checking out those last couple of years and hiding from the abuse.

Next, I know that I need to forgive my abuser. I need to remember that the forgiveness is for me and not for him. Furthermore, just because I forgive what he did to us doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget. It was unacceptable. Abuse in any form is unacceptable. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that I am declaring the abuse ok. However, it shows that I am able to not allow that past abuse to claim my future.

Lastly, I hold resentment towards my support system. Although, the signs were there and the lies were transparent no one spoke up. I lied for him and that is on my shoulders. However, I would think that if there were signs someone would step in, but I was wrong. Then again, only now do I see those signs looking back. Even so, I am finding it is difficult not to want point blame on others. After all, this a lot of hurt, shame, guilt and anger that I hold. If I didn’t let it bleed onto others, deserving or not, I would probably be still struggling to use my voice.

Healing Past trauma

Healing Past Trauma Takes Time

Phew. All done for today. I don’t want to trauma talk anymore today. Unfortunately my life revolves around trauma drama, so if no one says the word ‘trauma‘ tonight then I may feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I am just going to say that I am done processing MY trauma for the day.

In conclusion, I hope that this will help others explore their own mental health and/or trauma. Even if you haven’t experienced trauma these questions are self reflective. Therefore, they can be used to aid a personal growth journey. After all, healing the past is the only way to move forward into the future. As a result, I will be less likely to repeat that cycle. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M pssst…follow My Threefold on Facebook!

Forgive

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11 Ways to Spot a Narcissist

love you

Can you spot a narcissist? I didn’t even know what a narcissist was prior to two years ago. Sitting in a therapist’s office after my {then} husband had screamed at me and refused to continue counseling after our separation. Completely embarrassed, but I was over it and had lost all hope or emotion tied to the After fifteen years he knew all the things to say to hurt me the most. I was afraid, beaten down, and was broken. The therapist looked at me and said ‘I am positive that he is a narcissist.’ I’m pretty sure I looked at her confused, but didn’t ask any questions. I thought it was just an insult and not a diagnosis.  

Don’t Marry a Narcissist 

I remember typing the word ‘narcissist’ into the google search bar and thinking I knew what would pop up. Egotistical. That was my only knowledge of narcissism at that point in time. Since then I have become all too familiar with the term, the disorder, it’s use {and misuse}, and the affects it has on the relationships surrounding the narcissist.

I was married to a narcissist and there was the evidence written in every article I read. Still I wanted to reason with those facts and I wanted to see something that didn’t make me feel like my entire life was a lie. I needed comfort, but I wasn’t finding it. All I was  finding were more reasons to make sure I never allowed the prior 15 years to become reality again.

No way was I staying with this man. I was never going back to him. One major piece of advice – Don’t marry a narcissist. Save yourself. Save your family. IF you did marry a narcissist, then see the tips I have on divorcing a narcissist

 

The Narcissist Defined

A narcissist is defined by the Merriam Webster Dictionary as someone who has an excess interest in or admiration of themselves. There are different types of narcissists. Those types include covert, malignant, communal, and antagonistic. There are many red flags and a toxic cycle of abuse that the narcissist tends to exhibit. However, just like anything it’s not a one size fits all definition.

It is widely agreed upon that the term narcissist is thrown around these days and overused. Every person who does you dirty isn’t a narcissist. Everyone, however, does possess narcissistic qualities. Everyone. There is a difference between exhibiting a healthy amount of narcissism, having narcissistic traits that are deemed toxic, and having narcissistic personality disorder.

 

11 Red Flags that a Narcissist is Known to Possess

  1. Superiority: will feel like they are right always. It’s black or white and there is no room for gray areas. They feel they are better than everyone and the best at everything. this isn’t just typical cocky behavior this is on the extreme side of confidence.
  2. Entitlement: feels like they are owed something always. It could be financial, respect, authority, control or favor. Whatever they want they feel it should be given without hesitation, whether they’ve earned it or deserve it.
  3. Fantisizes about Power: will often be preoccupied with fantasies of their ‘ideal’ life. This is far and beyond the ‘if you win the lottery’ scenario we all think about at one time or another. This is the further almost obsessive preoccupation with fame, fortune, beauty, and power.
  4. Special: they are special and uniquely made and that only those around them that are as special will be able to recognize their uniqueness.
  5. Attention Seeking: constantly craving attention. They need attention to thrive. It can be positive or negative attention, but they need the focus on them to feel in control. This is the life force they get from their supply.
  6. Absence of Empathy: does not relate to the emotions of others. Their feelings are the only driving force in their lives. They seek to feel good and avoid the bad, if you are looking to make the narcissist understand your perspective you will never succeed.
  7. Envy: either extremely envious of those around them or believes everyone is envious of them.
  8. Manipulative: will gaslight those closest to them to make those people comply to their wishes. They manipulate situations, arguments, circumstances in order to receive their desired outcome.
  9. Defensiveness: extremely defensive and lacks the ability to accept criticism even when constructive. They automatically ‘right fight’ and try to spin the situation. Don’t wait around for an apology, and if it’s given it’s not sincere and usually has a ‘but’ attached to it.
  10. No Accountability: they have a reason for everything and someone or something to blame. Admitting fault is admitting failure. They will hold everyone around them accountable for their actions and behaviors, but always have an excuse ready to go when needed.
  11. Passive Aggressive: sarcasm and backhanded remarks are the language best tied to a narcissist. They make their feelings known with their remarks and typically back those up with the ‘I was joking, can’t you take a joke’ or claims of your over sensitive nature.

When you realize that a narcissist is in your life it’s hard to see the red flags that were constantly being painted green.  Behind the pretty scenery of smiling pictures and the pretty words is where the ugly truth of our abuse was hidden. Looking back it was all so clear, but in those moments I had every excuse he had every given, every lie he had ever told, and every bit of the blame for the misery of our lives.

The Narcissist’s Toxic Cycle:

If you are exposed to a narcissist for a long period of time you will most likely see a pattern of toxic behavior over the course of the relationship. It’s repetitive like a bad song on repeat. There are defining characteristics of this toxic cycle. The goal is to control the victim so that the narcissist feels powerful and superior. They completely control their victim and the narrative with a few tactics.

  1. Love Bombing or Idealization: in this stage the narcissist is hooking you into their game. They will move quickly, claim ‘love at first sight’ and spoil you. They know all the right things to say and may even pretend to be interested in what you have to say. They are attempting to make you feel connected, attached and gain your trust. They need you to see the good in them and believe they want the same things you do. They will serve you empty promises that never hold weight.
  2. Degradation and Devaluation: the narcissist begins to target their victim by gaslighting, inflicting psychological and verbal abuse, and withholding intimacy. This stage comes on suddenly and usually unexpectedly. A narcisisst will blam their victim for all their problems and begin to make them have a distorted self image. This stage involves extreme manipulation and is the stage where physical abuse can be used to reinforce control. 
  3. Discard: during this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle the narcissist dispose of you. They will turn cold. A narcissist will try hurting you intentionally with any information they have to do so. They will call it quits and tell you they no longer want to tolerate your behavior and abuse. They will label you “crazy”, “psycho”, “controlling”, or “abusive” in order to make you feel at fault for the problems in the relationship. 
  4. Hoover: You know the Hoover Vaccuum Cleaner? Thats where this term comes from. You think you’ve been completely discarded after stage 3 of the cycle. YOU ARE WRONG. The narcissist will attempt to hoover and suck you back into the toxic cycle. The narcissist will apologize, they lie,  manipulate and wear you down to get you back. You provide that life force they need to survive. Without this cycle they cannot function. They need someone {anyone} to give them the attention, the sense of power and control, and the admiration they feel they deserve. 

The Affects of Narcisstic Abuse

As someone who has suffered from narcissitic abuse and seen my threefold suffer through the aftermath of that abuse. I am going to share the affects this abuse has had on my threefold and I. As an adult, you would think I would be less susceptible to falling victim to the abuse cycle.

The affects after abuse, especially psychological, are long term. I question everything now. I don’t trust my feelings or my instincts. This has caused me to become more defensive, because I have an intense fear that I am going to suffer from that abuse again. Imagine always being on high alert, and reactive. There is a constant feeling of insecurity, overwhelm, anxienty. It’s like being on edge constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My world is all bass ackwards, and its flipped on it’s end. It is harder to believe in myself, to trust certain situations, trust people. I am paranoid, fearful, and accusatory. When I first left, I thought everyone was against me. I was scared anything I said or did would go back to him. This left me questioning my threefold, my family, my friends, and doubted anyone that pursued me. I felt crazy. Quickly, I learned that it was normal to question everything. It was even normal to ask myself if I was bad guy or the real the narcissist.  For a time, I was sympathetic towards my ex husband and believed it was only that he was hurting and projecting that hurt onto me when the abuse continued even after I left him. 

 

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

My threefold and I suffer from a trauma disorder as a result of the abuse we endured over those 15 years. Healing is an ongoing process and it’s not easy. Hard work is required to recover after trauma. If you are thinking how bad it sucks that even though you were the abused, you now have to put effort into your healing too, you’re right. It sucks and isn’t fair. It is worth it though. I am not healed completely and neither is my threefold, but I see our progress even when no one else does. I know how far we have come. I wish nothing more than to have a magic wand that could take the pain away from my threefold. I’d be lying if I said I have never wished that pain on my ex.

The truth is, he is in pain. He is worse off than we are in many ways. He may be the abuser, a total narcissist and complete pain in the ass, but he will never know any other life than this toxic cycle. He is destined to be in that cycle forever. He will never be able to know love in it’s true form. Narcissists rarely see fault in their actions or in their behavior. Therefore he won’t ever be likely to get help for these things and if he does it will merely be a show.  This in a weird way brings me comfort and makes me sad for the narcissist. I get comfort knowing that the internal pain he struggles with will never subside and it’s sad to me that other people will get caught up in that cycle with him. I’m just so grateful that we got out. 

I stood up for my abuser throughout my relationship with him of 15 years. After leaving him, I still stood up for him. I watched my threefold, my girls, struggle with the longterm affects of their abuse. Even so, I still tried to bridge a relationship for them with their father. It took me nearly a year to see that I was causing them more harm. They needed me to be on their side. Especially since I hadn’t been for all the years before. They were suffering from all the same issues, but they didn’t understand the complexities of it. We have come a long way from where we were. Unfortunately, cutting off the father of your children is not easily accomplished. Cutting off your father as a child is even more difficult. 

Get Help

The good parts that the victim sees are the lie, the monster the narcissist became during the other stages, that is the truth. It’s hard to see that when you are in the cycle. This cycle is never ending, until they find a new supply to feed off of, or until the victim finally escapes the abuse and breaks the cycle. Unfortunately, the abuse of a narcissist will never cease unless the victim cuts off the narcissist completely. Otherwise, the abuse just changes. 

If you or someone you know is being abused seek help. Escaping the abuse initially and the healing process you must go through is extremely complex. Seeking support, therapy, and being patient with yourself is paramount to finding the path forward. You are not responsible for what broke you, but it is ultimately your responsibility to heal the broken parts of you. Its hard to accept, but you will never change the narcissist, but you can change yourself and what you will tolerate. It’s ok to walk away, to save yourself, and to save your children. Set boundaries and remain firm with those boundaries.  Believe me when I say allowing the continuation of the cycle of abuse will only cause more harm. Be the change you need. Be the person your kids need you to be for them. Stay Positive. We’ve got this! You’ve got this! ♥~M

narcissist