Tag: #divorcinganarcissist

Posted on by — 2 Comments

A Heartbreaking Letter to Santa

Dad is the REAL Grinch

My heart is broken. I am angry and sad. Tonight, my daughter {#3 of my threefold, age 11} wrote her letter to Santa. She admitted she wants a lot for Christmas, but what she wanted most was to be able to see her dad. This shouldn’t be a request, a gift, or even a thought. You would assume that it would be an easy Christmas wish to grant. However, it’s not. This is because her dad, is the real Grinch.

The man she calls dad is not going to see her this Christmas or any of the three daughters that bear his name. It’s sad. It’s sad, because while he lives and breathes and walks this earth each day, he has chosen not to be a dad. The calls are rare, the visits are nonexistent, and the manipulation is heavy. Instead, drugs and toxic cycles of abuse and manipulation are his legacy.

Snapshots of Dad

The man she knows as dad chose drugs over being a parent. He chose his own selfish desires over being a dad. He chose a life that has no place for children and no room for a relationship with them. Its sad. Tragic and heartbreaking. My 11 year old wants a dad that he cannot be for her or her sisters. She compares him to the grinch. Bad on the outside, but deep down he is good. However, no matter how much we struggle even in “recovery” he refuses to be a participant in parenting.

A year ago he had money to spare from his 100k  inheritance and sat unemployed. He smirked as he bought a new motorcycle, drums, camera, phone, computer and the list goes on.He went on vacation and to concerts. He bought drugs and partied regularly. Meanwhile, I struggled to pay our rent and buy Christmas for my threefold.

6 months ago, he had already pawned everything he owned. The one thing he had left was the car that he traded his 2022 Harley in for. That car became his home.
This man who had physically, emotionally and financially abused mythreefold and I called ME for help and because I wanted to be better, I helped. I checked him into rehab. Drove him to the facility and even bought him the things he needed. I housed his belongings and kept his friends updated. I had divorced him, moved on with my life, but still tried for my threefold.

After Rehab, I got him into a sober living facility. A week in and he left. He showed up at my door and demanded his belongings. I told him we were done. I stood strong as he towered over me in my own yard. I called the police and he left.

All of this followed by a week of hell and we were scared as he sat stranded without gas money just a few miles from our home. Finally, he was rescued by a friend and he left town. He had vanished 500 miles away to live with his younger brother on the opposite side of the state.

Wish Ungranted

Months went by and we hadn’t heard from them. Last month, he began communicating with #3, the only one that still has affection for him. The one that still wants to believe his lies and sees hope in his darkness. The one that sees the good inside the grinch. I wish I could fix the bad, but I can’t. Mom is not made of magic.

Now, this. A letter to Santa. After 28 weeks of combined trauma care and crisis intervention for my youngest two daughters. I work my life away to provide the life we have. Up to 50 hours per week, side hustles, and resourcefulness. I don’t receive financial support from the government, nor do i get support from him. This is my hard work, blood, sweat and tears. Its that of the man that stepped up. This is 50k in medical debt, scrounging for grocery and bill money, a vehicle with a blown engine and prayers for a Christmas miracle that includes gifts under our tree. This. A gift I can’t give. The Christmas wish I won’t be granting. Although she understands, she doesn’t see how much I want to give her the dad she needs him to be, not the grinch he chose to be.

Per the request of readers & followers of My Threefold donations for My Threefold can be made via cash app $mythreefold or venmo @my3threefold. ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — Leave a comment

To the Man my Children Call ‘Dad’

It’s Father’s Day again. Another year you missed being a part of. What’s your excuse? I’m sure it’s my fault, somehow and some way. It always is. I kept them from you, I poisoned them against you, and I asked for a life that means I have to play both parts. In your mind, that’s the picture you paint.

Again, it’s Father’s Day and this year you actually saw all three kids and took them to the park then the mall. I even bought a card for them to sign. It wasn’t much, but I figured they wouldn’t want to see you empty handed. I’m glad they got to spend the day with you. After all, they don’t get to spend much time with you even though they had hoped things would be better and not worse.

I was seething with anger last year, but this Father’s Day, I am just sad for them. I am sad for my threefold who have spent a year begging you to be the dad they hoped for and the one they deserve. Yet, that’s not the father they got.

Instead, they have you as an example of what happens when you flush everything down the toilet, when you lie, cheat, use and steal. They get their father as an example of what happens when you excuse your faults and blame others for your mistakes. It’s truly sad, but it’s a lesson I will hope that they will learn from. A hard one.

You have lost everything. What’s it going to take? I wonder. You’ve stopped trying. First, you lost me, which should’ve just been a stepping stone to figuring out where you wanted to go in life, but it wasn’t. Next the kids, they stopped calling and visiting. Next, your job. Then girlfriend #1, and then all visitation ceased. Later, you lost the one person who loved you and supported you unconditionally. I think that’s what broke you.

Losing your grandmother was the one thing that broke your heart the most. Ever since it’s been another lost job, and another. You lost our old apartment and then your car. Just when you thought it would get better you bought a motorcycle instead of helping with your kids. You lost more visitation and then you lost your mind supposedly.

It didn’t take long for girlfriend #2 to see the manipulation and abuse you had put on those around you. You sold everything worth anything and then lost that too. The motorcycle, the car, the rent free living situation. Now another job. Finally, you’ve hit what I can only assume as rock bottom. You are homeless. You live in your car. You make no money and are barely scraping by day to day.

This Father’s Day is one where the sadness hits a low. I don’t know anymore if you’ll be here next Father’s Day and to even have that thought is sad. It’s true though, I’m not sure how you’ve managed to lose everyone around you, but there are three girls still hoping that you will become the dad they wanted and the dad they deserve. I’m hoping you find some peace in your path. This Father’s Day is here to show you that children give second chances, and third, and hope even when there is little proof that it will change. ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 3 Comments

Counter-Parenting the Narcissist

counter-parenting vs, co-parenting

Narcissistic parents don’t understand co-parenting. Dealing with this situation means you are counter-parenting the narcissist constantly. I’m here to tell you being the counter parent is extremely draing. As a result, the children are left stuck in the middle of a nasty game of tug of war. Divorce is difficult for any family to experience. However, when one of the parties involved is a narcissist the complications of figuring out co-parenting can feel very one sided. Especially, when your efforts seem to be always deterred and the narcissist actively is pushing against every move you make. A narcissist aims to control, even their children, and they go to great lengths to exert that control. 

Co-parenting vs. Counter-Parenting

Most people think when you get divorced that both parents will take on responsibility for the care of their children. That’s what I also thought would happen. I was SO wrong! When you divorce a narcissist you don’t typically see two parents seeking the best interests of their children. Instead, you have one parent who is trying to hold it all together for everyone and another that is only looking out for their own interest. It’s exhausting!

Co-parenting

Co-parenting is defined, by Wikipedia, as is an enterprise undertaken by parents who together take on the socialization, care, and upbringing of children for whom they share equal responsibility. The co-parent relationship differs from an intimate relationship between adults in that it focuses solely on the child. This a concept that a narcissist does not grasp. Consequently, this makes coparenting only a game for a narcissist to gain access to you or as a way to hide their true colors from others. Furthermore, if you have been in a relationship for as long as I was, you tend to lean towards trying to reason and understand their behavior. In all honesty, the narcissist wants to be the decision maker and the person in control. When that doesn’t go according to plan, they don’t handle the loss of that power well. 

Coparenting means working as a team, towards a common goal, with the interests of your children as the top priority. This means discussing details, compromise, and making decisions together. In addition, co-parenting requires the parties to have respect for one another’s opinion. When one parent is a narcissist the chances of coparenting in a healthy way is nearly impossible. Afterall, coparenting would mean that the narcisisst actually need to agree you are right sometimes. The chances of that are next to nonexistent. 

Counter-Parenting

Counter-parenting is a term used to describe a parenting style that parents are forced to envoke when trying to co-parent with a narcissist. The word itself defines this parenting style. Counter-parenting is what the “healthy” parent does in order to fix the damage the narcissist has done to a child. Having a narcisistic parent often leads to increased anxiety, issues with self perception, and in more severe cases trauma disorders.  Furthermore, a narcissist will aim to go against nearly anything you try to establish. As you try to undo the confusion, they attempt to suck in the child with manipulation. 

Examples in which Counter-Parenting is Necessary

  1. The narcissist rewards bad behavior with toys, gifts, and special outings. This especially manipulative if the bad behavior is only happening at the parents house not rewarding the bad behavior. The child will begin to see they are getting rewarded when they tell the narcissist they yelled at their parent and refused to do what they say.
  2. Another way the narcissist works against you is that they pry for information. They seek out information about what the other parent is doing and typically does it in a way that involves the child getting a reward. They are seeking inforamtion to use against you the next time you have a comment to say about their parenting style.
  3. In addition, the narcissist is a master manipulator. They will very easily convince a child they are doing things right and the other parent is wrong. For example “I don’t think you need to take medicine, you’re not the problem.” 
  4. In my case, I have had the narcissist sugar up my kid, give her redbull (at 10), after allowing her to stay up all night and not give her the medicine she is prescribed for severe, combined type ADHD. Unfortunately, this was a way to “give me a hard time”. The intentions were to hurt me, not the child, but the child was the weapon used. A narcissist sees this type of behavior as funny, where as most healthy adults would say that is at the minimum unhealthy. 
  5. Lastly, I have often heard “I want to live with my dad” when my child does not want to do chores, homework, go to bed, or clean up her room. Unfortunately this is a response to neglectful parenting where there are no rules at dads. As a result, the child begins to believe the narcissist is the “fun parent” where the other parent is the “mean parent”. This only causes friction in the realtionship. 

Tips for Counter-Parenting with a Narcissist

Having boundaries in place and rules of engagement are key to dealing with a narcissist. Usually if you end a relationship you can simply stop all communication and cut all toxic ties. However, when children are involved this isn’t an option that will hold much weight in court. Unfortunately, manipulation and mental health factors aren’t taken as seriously in family courts. As a result, both parent and child are forced to maintain a relationship with the narcissist. Here are a few tips to help you deal with a narcissistic coparent.

  1. Parallel Parenting is a term many parents don’t have to familiarize themselves with. This term simply means having as little interaction as you possibly can with the narcissist. Do not speak unless it pertains to the children. If topics get off the children simply don’t respond, hang up, or walk away. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO THIS PERSON ANYMORE!
  2. Use text and email for as much communication as possible. This gives a paper trail and also gives you the proof you need when they do get sideways with you about personal matters or switching time. Furthermore, act like the judge is looking at your message. Keep it short and to the point. Do not disclose any details, just the facts that are necessary. 
  3. Stick to the parenting plan. Don’t bend your life around their needs. They use it or lose it. Don’t trade weekends or accomodate their personal life. It may sound harsh, but I guarantee they won’t do it for you. 
  4. Set your boundaries. Do not allow what you feel uncomfortable with. If you don’t like the idea of your ex coming to pick up the kids at 3:00pm Friday because you don’t get off until 5:00pm, don’t agree! Again, you don’t have to accomodate them! 
  5. Don’t trash talk! Your children are already confused, sad and feel in the middle of the biggest fight of their lives thus far. Don’t make it worse for them by talking smack about the other parent. They will get all they need to hear from one side. Finally, rest easy knowing that you are doing modeling the behavior that the child will eventually realize was the appropriate way to handle things. 
  6. You are the safe parent. Most likely your child knows and has seen the narcissist act in ways that have made them scared. If your child is throwing the fit with you and saying words that the narcissist has said, then know that is not them speaking. As a result, you have to be both parents. 
  7. Remember that its ok to not do this right, but I promise you are doing it better than the narcissist is. Cut yourself some slack. One day, your kids will thank you for being the parent they needed even if you did always do what they wanted you to. 

issues

Seek Support for Yourself and Your Child

If you know that this behavior is damaging your child, then please seek support. I made sure my threefold and I were all in therapy directly after my separation. Getting ahead of the damage that will be inflicted and helping them to heal any damage that has already been done will be so beneficial. In addition, therapy allows for your child to have a safe place that isn’t mom or dad to vent their frustrations. As a result, your child will feel more validated in their feelings about the situation. 

I hope this is beneficial for my tribe of people who have or are survivors of narcissistic abuse. You aren’t alone. I also know how difficult it is to find your voice and your confidence to stand up to the narcissist. However, learning about how to counter parent in a way that shut the narcissist down helped me.  In addition, when I set my boundaries and held my ground I grew stronger in my ability to protect my threefold and I. Honestl;y, I have been sucked back into his toxic manipulation multiple times since I left. As a result, I allowed each of us to be hurt by those lies time and again. Actually, it was when I set my boundaries and made them clear that we started to heal more. Finally, I found my senses and realized that the lies were only empty promises of change that never came to light. 

Stay Positive! We’ve got this! ♥ ~ M psssss,,,follow on facebook!

red flags

 

Posted on by — 1 Comment

Divorcing a Narcissist

The marital dissolution agreement is signed. Every detail has been attended to and it’s all wrapped up. Well I thought it was. I agreed to give everything up. I wasn’t trying to fight over anything. I even gave up back child support and have agreed to keep ongoing payments of child support at less than $75/kid {so yea less than $225-3 kids} I don’t want money or things. The only thing I am fighting for is my threefold.

Everything was set and the parenting plan was arranged and worded to make sure that my threefold could continue with recommendations from their respective treatment teams and abiding by their safety plans. I want my threefold to be taken care of and I’m the person that takes care of them. Every therapy appointment, every doctor or dentist appointment, the medication management appointments, I’m the one making each one and taking them to those appointments. Every school function, parent conference, open house, performance and awards ceremony, I have been in attendance. I’ve planned the birthday parties and mended broken hearts. I’ve called hospitals twice a day when inpatient. I’ve never missed a phone call or a visitation. I buy the clothes, shoes, school supplies and everything else they need. I’m the one at family dinner talking about their days. I help study and fill out college applications. I do it all, with very little help from him. So why is he fighting now?

My ex has pushed our court proceeding seven times. SEVEN. Each time he has played the victim. First he filed for full custody so I was forced to contest. Then he wanted 50/50 and I agreed. That wasn’t good enough, he needed to fight. Next it was he wanted to fight over a car debt that was repossessed because he stopped paying for it after we split. Then my retirement benefits that he feels entitled to. Then my truck that he wanted that I was given as part of a severance from the company I worked at for ten years. Then he said he was trying to care for his ailing grandmother and couldn’t get a job. After all of that he said he needed treatment for his mental health, but never got treatment. Here I am two years post separation and he now decides he wants for us to make decisions jointly on education, healthcare, extracurricular activities and religious upbringing. I don’t think so. Two years I’ve played nice. I’m done being railroaded and giving in to keep the peace. If he wants to fight me on this I will fight.

Let me explain. This isn’t a control issue. I don’t want ultimate decision making just because I’m being stubborn and don’t want to compromise. I want sole decision making rights because he doesn’t see two of three girls at all. He doesn’t contact them and has nothing to do with them. They ‘turned on him’ and told the family secrets about the abuse had endured. The girls {the oldest two} refuse to subject themselves further. Guess what? The judge granted the girls that right of refusal. the youngest of my threefold sees him four days per month. Four. The court ordered that he seek continuous therapy and provide documentation to the court of that treatment to be allowed his four days. The remainder of the time she is in my care.

Tell me how someone can make decisions for their children when they have no clue what goes on in their lives day to day? How can you handle making decisions when you don’t even know what medication they take and why, what their diagnoses are, or who their teachers are or the classes they take? Not only can he not tell you the teacher’s name of our youngest’s 4th grade class, he can’t tell you what grades the girls are making in school. I’m not giving in, not on this issue.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have court. I’ve been pleading for this to be finalized for over a year. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. I could get a settlement, a finalization or yet another continuance. This is happening amidst my youngest being hospitalized for C-PTSD and major depression. This is on top of my truck breaking down and scheduled to be towed in the morning. This is all happening while I’m up for a promotion at work. I owe $2000 to the hospital for treatment. Right now I’m on my last dollar. I’m doing everything I can to keep this whole family together. He is doing nothing except stirring up more problems. it’s his goal to see me suffer and pay for leaving him.

My ex is a narcissist. It’s a fact. That’s not speculation. I’ve had two different mental health professionals tell me he is a narcissist. He doesn’t want full custody or 50/50. He wants as little responsibility as possible physically and financially, but what he wants is power. If I were to give in and give him decision making rights he would fight me on everything. He would make sure that he got his say so. It would be something to hang over my head as a way to manipulate. When he gets angry he would find everything to disagree on and threaten me with court action. He doesn’t have a job, so he claims no income, but he has inheritance to live off of. He can’t pay child support, but he can buy a $30,000 motorcycle and guitars, guns, computer equipment and anything else he wants. He is manipulative and very psychologically abusive. He can slither out of a situation even when you think you have him pinned against a wall. That’s why I’ve chosen not to fight with him in court over the things I know are rightfully mine. It’s not worth the energy.

This fight, the fight for my threefold, is worth every bit of fight I have left in me. I won’t back down. I may lose, but I can’t give away their medical and educational decision making to someone who doesn’t have anything to do with them on a daily basis. I definitely won’t let that right fall into the hands of their abuser without telling the courts why he is unfit. I have nothing to lose by going to court except for time and more of my money. If it were anything else I would give it up to keep from fighting and drag this out any longer. I can’t in good consciousness let this happen without first telling our story to the court. In the meantime I’m going to try to stay positive. We’ve got this. ☮️❤️😊~M