My last post was about finding a way to reconnect with my inner joy and center myself. I have worked for well over a year to “find what makes ME happy.” I’ve been on a journey to find myself. I have been allowing too many outside factors in my head and it was affecting my energy in a very negative way. I have a big issue with overthinking everything and allowing my anxiety to totally run my life and stress has fueled my motivation. I needed a reset ASAP or I was going to end up burning out, drained, and depressed. I was determined to see my way back to my happy place and find my way through what has been {in my humble opinion} the most difficult year in my life amongst a hard decade. Nearly two years ago, I had found myself a miserable, empty, emotionally wounded, and self-deprecating person who had lost all confidence, security, and had become merely a shell of a person. I was 35 years old and having a crisis of identity, purpose, and had become miserable with myself and with my life.
I remember clearly New Years Eve 2019, I decided it was time for change. I needed BIG change. I had to find something else. I wasn’t going to make a 15lb weight loss goal or promise to cook more I needed something so much more. It took me months of journaling and searching in the bottom of a bottle far too often for what my problem was. I didn’t know where to start, so I wrote, and wrote some more. I had entries that were sober and some that were not, but regardless they all had one theme. “I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I do know it’s the only way.” My first major discovery was that NO ONE was responsible for making me happy. I was. I wasn’t happy and it was up to me to fix it though I had no clue what that looked like or where to begin.
I changed jobs as I knew I was unhappy where I was. I remember how I sat in the parking lot daily at my job and had anxiety to walk through the doors. I was late everyday not because I wasn’t there on time but because I had to mentally prepare myself for going to a job I hated with people that I figured hated me too. I got a chance email with a recruitment for a National company that was local and I wondered what it was. I hadn’t heard of it before but I did some research and took the phone interview. It was like talking to a friend. I met with the manager later that week and after two hours I had a job offer. I thought about it for days. A pay cut. Was it worth it? I decided to make my first leap of faith. II figured I could be paid more and be miserable or I could get paid less and maybe do something that would make me feel more at peace. I am so glad I took that jump. I never knew how satisfied I could be with a job other than maybe a drink in hand on a beach doing exactly this, writing. {Still a goal and I WILL achieve it.}
I took that leap and then slowly saw some pieces I hadn’t seen in years. Yep I was going to find myself. My happy. Life threw the curveballs and I started contemplating what I wanted in my life and where I was headed. Who I wanted in my life and whether I could be happy if this was what changed. I came to the conclusion that Summer of 2020, in May, that I wasn’t just unhappy at work that home was the most important piece of what was making me unhappy. After fact checking, soul searching, fighting endlessly as I began to start standing up for myself and my threefold again. I decided the fight needed to be done. I should’ve left years before, but my own insecurities and fears, coupled with life circumstances and my distorted sense of self and my marriage along with who I had married and my beliefs had kept me in a loveless, disconnected, toxic, and abusive marriage for too many years too long. My threefold were my only successes in that marriage and their unhappiness and own discontent were becoming clearer with each day. I left. With nothing. I walked away looking for myself and my happiness was not ever going to be found in the confines of the prison I had been willingly residing within.
That job I mentioned…it didn’t just lead me to a happier work life. It is where I met the man who would literally turn my world upside down and inside out and totally stir up the life in me I hadn’t forgotten was an option. That job gave me my unicorn the PPP {perky positivity peddler}. My ‘E’, the love of my life. As I said before no one can make you happy except yourself. That’s still true. No one can fix you, except you. I was broken, anxiety ridden, scared, codependent and still overwhelmingly radiating toxic negativity. ‘E’ for whatever reason {my ass in those jeans} decided to see past the shattered me and began “showing” me that not all men are the same. I was waiting for him to be another reason I didn’t trust men. A narcissist taking easy prey. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and all the red flags to start flying. I couldn’t figure it out. {seriously dude what’s your damage everyone has some.} I couldn’t find it. He had a daughter who adored him and who he treated like his most prized possession. A good relationship with his ex wife and he coparent Ed. He had a job, he didn’t excessively spend money, he didn’t have drug addiction, a record, domestic violence, CPS cases or anything. He worked hard. He had an amazing attitude and his energy was contagious for me. He was charismatic and funny. Sexy {that ass though!} He was kind and loving, affectionate and communicative. This all scared me to death. In my experience too good to be true was exactly that, untrue. It was moving on too fast. I fell in love and he made me feel like I was the only woman in the universe. He has shown me with actions and words that he isn’t running though I’ve given him nearly every reason and so many opportunities to leave. Yet still he is here, loving me. He helped me see things differently and helped me find motivation to continue to heal. I am so grateful for ‘E’.
I felt as if I was getting better but every time that life smacked me in the face with an issue I would slide back into old habits. I have had the rollercoaster I never wanted to ride this year. Ups and downs, twists and turns, and I’ve been thrown from a loop more times that I could count. From divorce, to hospitalization of two {my middle daughter of my threefold}, through diagnoses and therapy, and more stress and struggle than I’ve ever endured. I honestly got whiplash from everything. Throughout this year I’ve still worked on myself and tried to find the pieces of the broken identity that were lost and stolen from me over the years.
I’ve done pretty amazing. {in my opinion} I’ve had my days {honestly though that’s totally normal} but they were more like moments where I strayed from my positivity push. I’ve allowed those moments to come and I acknowledged what was happening then hit that reset button. My mindset has been very present and I’ve been living my life with gratitude. I’ve always been grateful, but I’ve never acknowledged all I have to be grateful for. Honestly, even in the hardest of times I found the things that were good. I knew even if I didn’t want to acknowledge them at the moment and I wanted to sit on my own pity potty that there was more good than bad. For the first time in my life I saw that those two things coincided, good and bad. This was just life, and perspective would be key.
This month I wanted to be more mindful of my good and not relinquish so much energy to the bad. My gratitude mindset started by beginning a “Gratitude Journal”. Everyday since 11-01 {two weeks since my last blog post} I’ve sat down nightly and written in this journal {which is just a cute composition book I picked up from Target} and used my own format. It’s simple actually.
- Each entry is dated
- I begin each entry with “Today I am Grateful For:” and list what I am most thankful for that day.
- Then I have “My Highlights For Today” and list the best parts of my day.
- A small notation on if I met my goals for that day.
- Something I am looking forward to about tomorrow.
- How can I improve?
- Then I finish out with “My Goals For Tomorrow” that has a list of things I want to accomplish or be the next day.
It’s easy peasy and very straightforward. Each day is about a page worth of writing. Nothing too elaborate. Then yesterday while I was on my first private outing with ‘E’ that we’ve been able to have in months I came across a little book. It caught my eye with its bright yellow cover and cute font. The title said “Can You Be Happy For 100 Days?” I picked it up intrigued. At $2.99 at a bargain store I decided what could it hurt? I read the intro. Then I changed the title to “Choose to be Happy for 100 days?” and today will be day #1 on the #100HappyDays Challenge.
It’s fairly simple, pick one thing. It can be from the book or your own imagination, that makes you happy and do it. Everyone and anyone can find one thing that they enjoy and that brings them happiness each day to do. Then you simply document it by taking a picture and maybe giving a short description. That’s as easy as it gets, but I’m sure it’ll be harder than it sounds. The goal is to find things that can make you happier and be more mindful of the everyday opportunities to be happy that we miss. It’s worth a shot. So now I challenge everyone to join me in that quest. Let’s see if we can bring more happiness to ourselves and others. Take advantage of those daily opportunities and simply appreciate them. Here we go! Follow my #100dayshappy challenge on my Facebook page http://facebook.com/mythreefold and share your journey with me too! Here’s to our happily ever after! ☮️❤️😊~M
