Another emotional week is coming to a close for my threefold. ALL three are home. Hopefully for a long time! It’s been up and down around here. I’m just trying to ride the waves of emotion and be the support my threefold needs me to be. It is a hard job, this mom thing. I will be tending to broken hearts and broken promises for the foreseeable future. Being a teenage girl is hard too.
#1 experienced her first big love over the past year. Her boyfriend {we’ll call him ‘J’} and #1 have been together for about 16 months or so. This is her first long relationship. Many of her firsts happened with ‘J’. She has been in love and it’s been beautiful to watch that young love. I actually really like ‘J’ and know he has been a good support for #1 through a very tumultuous year.
Tonight though, ‘J’ called it quits with #1. Her devastation and complete breakdown was heartbreaking for me to witness. I watched and tried to calm my sweet little girl as she hyperventilated and cried uncontrollably. I wanted to hold her, but during panic attacks she has increased sensitivity to touch. instead I sat on the cold floor with her hushing calmly and telling her that she would be ok, even if she wasn’t ok in that moment, she would be. I felt helpless I wanted to fix it, but there are no magic words to mend a broken heart. Instead, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I tried to calm her insecurities and her feelings of worthlessness.
Instead of sitting on the floor we drove to the gas station down the road. We have chocolate. We have funny tv shows and movies and we have a little heartbreak hotel set up. My newly appointed adult daughter will be sleeping in her mom’s room tonight. She will be comforted with chocolate and inappropriate humor. We will ride the wave.
As I sit writing this little dramatic comedy in the making, I am stealing away my moment to cry knowing this pain will linger with her for a while. I know that the first love and the first heartbreak that usually comes with it will be forever etched in her memory. She is tough. My stick of dynamite in a tiny 4’10” body. She has grown so much and has a bright future ahead that is bound to include more love and more heartbreak. This love will be the beautiful high school story she tells one day to her own child when they experience that first love…and the heartbreak that will break hers to watch. I’m loving her through this one knowing that life goes on and that she won’t allow the heartbreak to break her completely. I’m staying positive because I know she’s got this. I’ve got her…and I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
We’ve all been enthusiastic about something in life. My favorite example of enthusiasm is how the night before my first day of school as a kid I would be so enthusiastic and had this anxious excitement for the year ahead. It was a fresh start, school supplies were accounted for and I knew that it was going to be a great year. I was enthusiastic about getting started. I believe that enthusiasm is a common occurrence for everyone. It may be that first day of school or a new job. Maybe it was a relationship or a project. However, enthusiasm can only take us so far.
Eventually, we hit a wall and enthusiasm isn’t always enough to get us to the finish line. The desire doesn’t go away, but it’s not as exciting now that it’s hard or now that it’s actually happening. Maybe it wasn’t what you thought it was. Your schedule changes at school, the job isn’t anything what you thought, the fighting begins with the partner, or you hit a roadblock with the project you wanted to do. In the loss of that enthusiasm we tend to give up. I know, I do.
I’ve been known to lose enthusiasm and lose my want to see whatever it is to the finish line. School was exciting and I would try really hard for a few weeks, but if that effort didn’t pay off, I didn’t like the class or just simply lost my motivation for a couple of days…it was done, I didn’t try anything else. I would diet, lose weight, and do well for a few weeks. Then there would be a ‘bad’ day. I would eat the fries and have cake. I would throw in the towel and say ‘there’s no point. I can’t do this, I already screwed it up.’ That’s how we react when it doesn’t go exactly according to our plan. The end.
Wait…It’s time for endurance, not time for the end! This is when I think we set ourselves apart. There are numerous things that even with enthusiasm and good intentions matched with hard work and a willingness to learn that will require endurance, patience, and strength to be successful. Some things may come easily and all it takes is the attitude and confidence that you are capable. While other ventures may end regardless of the enthusiasm and endurance you have. It’s about listening to yourself and finding what you believe is worth fighting for. For me, it took a long time to find what I was willing to endure and recognize what I was capable of enduring…and yes, what I needed to end.
I endured and persevered through an abusive and unfulfilling marriage. I felt I gave what I could and allowed what was taken from me. I tried to push through and find the enthusiasm to continue. I had the determination, but when there are many factors involved and other people have an effect on your result, it’s trickier to decide if it’s meant to be I fought the end many years, in fact much longer than I should’ve, but in the end I knew that I tried and could walk away knowing that it wasn’t just me quitting when things got hard. I didn’t jump ship at the first sign of bad times. I stuck with it, but it wasn’t healthy for myself or my threefold. It had reached the end. The end has been a process of endurance {and enthusiasm} in and of itself. I could’ve just as easily ran back to what I knew, instead of facing many hardships or fighting the battles I have. The end was my goal. I needed to end that chapter and find my path to happiness; for my threefold and I.
I am enthusiastic at my work and it pays off. I have a good attitude and I enjoy what I do. I’m confident in my abilities. I know my value and my work is often rewarded. I attribute this to my success in my company. It’s not always easy, I often want to say ‘screw it, someone else can handle this’ or have to pull myself out of bed in the morning, but I endure those challenges of my own making and those beyond my control. This endurance has led to two years under my belt with two promotions and four raises, amongst accolades from my clients and my company. It’s resulted in creating a name for myself and a future for my threefold and I. It also led me to find the man I now consider my soulmate and my second chance romance, which is quite enough to call myself successful.
I could’ve quit on my relationship with ‘E’ when things got hard. I could’ve stopped writing when I’ve had blocks. I could’ve quit many nights fighting my threefold. I could’ve quit my job when #2 was hospitalized. I could’ve quit trying to find solutions and treatment plans to help myself and my threefold. I could’ve quit my healthier lifestyle. I could’ve thrown my hands up a million times, but that’s not who I am or the role model I want for my threefold. I’m not a quitter. When life throws punches, I bob and weave. I wait for my opening and show life who is in control. I win. I’m a badass. Stay positive. Endure. We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Today is #1’s 18th birthday. It’s been a weekend full of partying, celebrating and more reality checks than I wanted to face. Today, my oldest is legally an adult {ish} heavy on the ish. When they say time flies and in a blink of an eye they grow up, it’s true. I barely remember sleepless nights anymore, but it still seems like it wasn’t 18 years ago that this tiny, red headed child was coming into the world. It’s crazy how fast it went by, and even though it’s not like it’s over it’s like grieving a loss. She isn’t a child, she’s an adult, a grown woman capable of making decisions that could change her life. I’m just a bystander, an onlooker, and a resource that she can choose to listen to…or not. That’s scary as hell!
I’m confident that she has been raised to know herself and her path. I’m proud of her for a million reasons. I’m not worried about her, I’m worried about the world around her. She is loving, giving, accepting, inclusive and people pleasing. People take advantage of the nice ones sometimes. They walk on people like #1 then call them naive for seeing the best in people. She is scared to let others see her as someone who has an opinion. She is hard on herself and she thinks perfection is an attainable goal. #1 hates conflict and doesn’t want to disappoint others. Her inner voice is very much her biggest obstacle. I believe in her, but now she has to believe in herself.
My girl, is a strong person who has overcome challenges. She doesn’t see that side of her. She has had trauma, but still has a bright light that she shines on those around her. So much has been stolen from #1, but still she gives without hesitation. She is full of love and a genuine sweetness. That innocence and faith of a child that has never been hurt, but she has been hurt. That amazes me. She hasn’t allowed that past hurt to make her cynical or bitter. She is warm and endearing. She chooses her attitude. She isn’t perfect, and never will be, but I want her to be her. Regardless of who that is I will love her unconditionally.
I’m sad and happy today. I’m sad to know my baby, the first of my threefold has officially graduated into adulthood. I’m happy because I know this means she is going to embark on the adventure she chooses for herself. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. Her light will guide her on this path forward into her future. Mommin’ ain’t easy, but I have to pay myself on the back today too and say I’ve reached a milestone as well. I’m the mom of an adult {ish}. One down, two to go! Stay positive! I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
I’ve been pretty negative the past few weeks, just sitting in my puddle of pity and splashing people in the face if they came near or tried to pull me from wallowing in my many woes. Even those that you would think are the strongest still fall. I had to climb out of the hell I was allowing to take over my life {or drug out kicking and screaming} I had to get out of there before I let it consume me and cover me in the dark bitterness of depression. It took some come ups and some push {ok a lot of push} but I’m starting to see some of that silver lining.
I never rolled over and quit {I wanted to.} I knew that my only choice was to keep moving forward and as hard as it has been this past month it’s time to shake off the sadness and the hardships. Now I am going to get to the good {ish} part again. And yes I say ish because it’s never going to be perfect but goodish is MUCH better than hellish. Real talk.
Both of my girls aren’t discharged from the hospital yet, but # 2 came home today. She’ll do a partial hospitalization program starting Monday. That means I can have her home at night, but she’ll still have daily therapy and see her psychiatrist daily. So hospital diring the day, work, and then home. Much better than inpatient with five minute phone calls and no face to face visitation.
#3 will hopefully get out next week. They did a full medication change on her so she has to be monitored while she adjusts to the new regimen. Hopefully, this change is one that helps her to regulate her emotions better. She is ready to be back home. Home for a week then back inpatient isn’t the goal at all. Hopefully her step down care will be partial or intensive outpatient care.
On a brighter note, tomorrow #1 has her 18th birthday party! I went all out. She didn’t get a sweet sixteen due to Covid popping up this time two years ago. She chose an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ theme. I love it. We bought cute spring dresses, too many decorations, and I have three cakes. Yes, I know it’s excessive. Who needs 3 cakes, cupcakes, chocolate covered strawberries and ooey gooey bars? Well, apparently we do. It should be fun and give us all the ability to relax and have some fun. I hate #3 won’t be here with us to celebrate. I miss that kid with all of me right now.
To top off the celebration of the 18th birthday and the official adulthood commencing for one of my threefold we also are celebrating that full scholarship she was awarded for her amazing ACT and academic achievements amongst an essay she wrote. So proud of her! She is rocking this year and has grown so much as a person this year. {still 4’10” but she is dynamite in a tiny package!}
In case I need more to celebrate other than I am one down two to go to successful child rearing, then I can add to the celebratory mood. I achieved a goal that I’ve been working on professionally. I got a promotion at work and a nice little pay increase to go with it. I’m pretty proud to be able to say that in just shy of two years with my current company I’ve had 2 promotions and 4 raises. Not too damn shabby. I do love what I do and the people I get to work with.
Despite all the headaches and the hardships there is still a lot of good happening for us. I know eventually the good will outweigh the bad. I’m ready to keep moving forward and keep overcoming the obstacles. It’s a crazy life Mommin ’ mental illness, but who better to have to do it for my threefold than I? In the mean time I’ll keep trying to see all the good. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Normally I’d have some inspirational post to start off the month. It would be part of my ‘Goal Getters’ series. It would mention all the goals I made and how I reached each one. I would give little hints to how you can also accomplish your goals with a ‘Goal Getter’ mindset like mine. It would be a fluff piece, full of positivity. It would have promised that with a few changes you can live the life you’ve been dreaming of and you can be the person you aspire to be. It would be inspirational.
THIS is NOT that piece. I’ve warned you. I have no inspirational tales of how I accomplished my goals and manifested my dream life during the month of January. I have no motivational speeches where I spit all the shit you should’ve done and shouldn’t have done. My positivity push was completely flushed down the drain when the new year began. I’m not sure why I had such a rocky start. I’m not sure where my ‘Goal Getter’ attitude and my motivational mantras went. I guess I left them in 2021 with everything else I learned last year. I know my negativity is not needed in your world either, but I promised to keep it real and this is as real as it gets. Real talk.
I had high hopes and high expectations for 2022. It was going to be the year everything started falling into place. It was supposed to be the year that I took the lessons from 2020 and 2021 and found my purpose. My plan was big, but is it too big? Maybe I still have a lot to learn if I’m going to give up on my dreams and my goals after 30 days. Who the hell am I? That’s not the girl with the grit and grind goal getter attitude. I’m NOT a quitter. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a quitter. What the hell is happening?
I wrote three pieces, THREE, about my funked up attitude. I was aware that I was not on the right path to achieve my goals. I wrote eleven pieces in January. Seven blog posts of the eleven were not positive entries. The others could be positive, but mainly focused more on the past. I posted on Facebook for my page ‘My Threefold’ more than 30 times in January. Most were snarky posts I made about mom-life and men. They did well when it came to getting likes. They had a lot of humor, sarcasm and relatable anecdotes, but they were mainly negative.
So here we are. A month into the new year and I’m pissed off. I’ve failed miserably at making this year the year I found my peace of mind and my happy ending. I’ve been patient. I’ve been positive {mostly} for a whole year. I’ve made the right decisions and done my best even when I was at my worst. Yet here I am, still. Searching for the lesson in all this stressing! I feel, defeated. I feel, cheated. I feel most of all like maybe I’m not ever going to get to the good part. I feel like something is missing. What have I missed? Why do I feel like this?
After a long time of self reflection and trying to find the missing piece I was still none the wiser. I know I’m impatient. I know I have been asking for a lot over the past year. I’ve received a lot, so I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I just need to know what gives? What do I need to do to make this year THE year? What more do I have to do to prove that I’m a good person who deserves to get to the good part? When do I get back some of what I’ve lost and get to live out my happily ever after fantasy? When? I’m asking with all the faith I have left!
I was sulking and pouting about life. I was mad at the world for not working with me. I was sitting in the cold, in my truck alone, feeling sorry for myself away from the eyes of my family and the ‘calm down’ that I would receive as a well meaning reply from ‘E’. I didn’t want or need him to tell me ‘it will all work out in time.’ No, I wanted my happiness now.I deserve it. That’s when I found it. The answer. The missing piece. Alone in my truck. With no one to blame for not realizing it but myself. It was obvious. Too simple.
What was I not doing? I realized I had been too busy worrying about what hadn’t happened. I was constantly waiting for the next thing to fall into place. I was setting all of these goals. I was even accomplishing many of them, but I was quickly moving to the next one. ‘What now? What next?’ I was doing everything I was supposed to do and I was getting everything I wanted. I was working for all of it. That is all true. I was going through all the motions, but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel the emotions. I wasn’t celebrating my accomplishments. I wasn’t looking at all the good that came with my accomplishments. I just went straight into my next challenge. I couldn’t see all the good that is right here, right now. I was too busy searching and waiting for the next thing to give me that quick fix of happiness. The truth is I wasn’t enjoying what I do have.
I’m not going to have it all at once. Hard happens even when we feel like we are doing everything right. Good happens even when we don’t see it. I don’t want to be so caught up in the grit and grind of goal getting that I forget the good that is happening all around me. So I’m skipping my ‘Goal Getter’ post for February. I will never stop working to be better, but I will start enjoying the person I am right now and the person I am becoming. I will celebrate my successes. I will be humble with a hint of Kanye about how there may not be an I in awesome, but there is me! I will choose to be happy with everything I have now and stop waiting for the good part. The good part is happening, and I’m too focused on the future to enjoy the present. That’s my new goal for 2022. When I accomplish that, I will have the year I set out to have. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
