Tag: #grateful

Posted on by — 3 Comments

Trauma Talk: Healing Past Trauma

Healing past trauma takes time, patience, and hard work. The affects of trauma on the brain affects it’s ability to function. In turn, we begin to think, behave, and react in ways that are reflections of that trauma. Yesterday, I gave a list of 21 questions to work through when processing trauma. Today, I will dive into those first three questions. In the end, I hope to understand my trauma better. I aim to further my healing and personal growth.

healing traums

Questions for Healing Past Trauma

  1. How do I feel responsible for the pain and trauma inflicted on me in the past?
  2. In what ways do I allow the past to negatively impact my present and my feelings about the future?
  3. Who do I need to forgive and why?

How Do I Feel Responsible?

I hold myself responsible for my trauma because I allowed it to happen. My responsibility is that I didn’t leave sooner. As a result, I allowed the abuse of myself and my girls to occur. Consequently, I now hold a great deal of guilt knowing I am complicit in the abuse of myself and my threefold. Although, I was not an active participant I am guilty by staying silent. I enabled my abuser.

How Does the Past Affect Me?

This one could go on for days. I feel trauma has affected every part of my me. I am less trusting, both of myself and others. Foremost, I would say it changed my perception of myself. One upon a time I was an outgoing, fun and flirty girl with no cares. Afterwards, I am more self deprecating and watered down. I am slowly finding my identity again, but it has taken time.

For a long time, I felt like I didn’t have a voice. Anytime I spoke up it was wrong. Furthermore, I was told that what I felt was not valid. If I thought differently then it was my perception that needed adjustment. As a result, I doubt my every feeling. Now that my voice is back, I feel I am too quick to speak up. It’s like I’m scared if I don’t speak my mind as the feeling arises that I may lose that voice again.

I apologize constantly. I am always saying I’m sorry even if it wasn’t my fault or completely out of my control. It sounds disingenuous now. Honestly, I’m a fraud. I’m not sorry. Sorry, not sorry. The worst part is that I know it’s not my fault but I make it my own fault in my head. I believe it is because I always was told I was to blame.

I over analyze EVERYTHING. Im the most anxious person. I have racing thoughts and they are so loud they keep me up at night. As a result, I am constantly thinking about what I need to do. Where I am supposed to go. Who needs what and how the hell I’m going to get it all done. As a result, I don’t make decisions quickly. I am unable to focus fully on conversations or mindless tasks. Consequently, I am messy, disorganized and scatter brained.

Who do I Need to Forgive to Begin Healing My Past Trauma?

First, I need to forgive myself. To promote my healing, I need to forgive myself for allowing the abuse of my girls and I. I need to find patience and understanding with myself. I need to remember that I am not the abuser. Afterall, I am a survivor of that abuse too. Next, I need to forgive myself for not escaping sooner. Lastly, I need to forgive myself for checking out those last couple of years and hiding from the abuse.

Next, I know that I need to forgive my abuser. I need to remember that the forgiveness is for me and not for him. Furthermore, just because I forgive what he did to us doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget. It was unacceptable. Abuse in any form is unacceptable. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that I am declaring the abuse ok. However, it shows that I am able to not allow that past abuse to claim my future.

Lastly, I hold resentment towards my support system. Although, the signs were there and the lies were transparent no one spoke up. I lied for him and that is on my shoulders. However, I would think that if there were signs someone would step in, but I was wrong. Then again, only now do I see those signs looking back. Even so, I am finding it is difficult not to want point blame on others. After all, this a lot of hurt, shame, guilt and anger that I hold. If I didn’t let it bleed onto others, deserving or not, I would probably be still struggling to use my voice.

Healing Past trauma

Healing Past Trauma Takes Time

Phew. All done for today. I don’t want to trauma talk anymore today. Unfortunately my life revolves around trauma drama, so if no one says the word ‘trauma‘ tonight then I may feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I am just going to say that I am done processing MY trauma for the day.

In conclusion, I hope that this will help others explore their own mental health and/or trauma. Even if you haven’t experienced trauma these questions are self reflective. Therefore, they can be used to aid a personal growth journey. After all, healing the past is the only way to move forward into the future. As a result, I will be less likely to repeat that cycle. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M pssst…follow My Threefold on Facebook!

Forgive

Posted on by

Protected: Goal Getter: A Workbook for People Who Get Shit Done!

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Mending a Broken Heart

Another emotional week is coming to a close for my threefold. ALL three are home. Hopefully for a long time! It’s been up and down around here. I’m just trying to ride the waves of emotion and be the support my threefold needs me to be. It is a hard job, this mom thing. I will be tending to broken hearts and broken promises for the foreseeable future. Being a teenage girl is hard too.

#1 experienced her first big love over the past year. Her boyfriend {we’ll call him ‘J’} and #1 have been together for about 16 months or so. This is her first long relationship. Many of her firsts happened with ‘J’. She has been in love and it’s been beautiful to watch that young love. I actually really like ‘J’ and know he has been a good support for #1 through a very tumultuous year.

Tonight though, ‘J’ called it quits with #1. Her devastation and complete breakdown was heartbreaking for me to witness. I watched and tried to calm my sweet little girl as she hyperventilated and cried uncontrollably. I wanted to hold her, but during panic attacks she has increased sensitivity to touch. instead I sat on the cold floor with her hushing calmly and telling her that she would be ok, even if she wasn’t ok in that moment, she would be. I felt helpless I wanted to fix it, but there are no magic words to mend a broken heart. Instead, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I tried to calm her insecurities and her feelings of worthlessness.

Instead of sitting on the floor we drove to the gas station down the road. We have chocolate. We have funny tv shows and movies and we have a little heartbreak hotel set up. My newly appointed adult daughter will be sleeping in her mom’s room tonight. She will be comforted with chocolate and inappropriate humor. We will ride the wave.

As I sit writing this little dramatic comedy in the making, I am stealing away my moment to cry knowing this pain will linger with her for a while. I know that the first love and the first heartbreak that usually comes with it will be forever etched in her memory. She is tough. My stick of dynamite in a tiny 4’10” body. She has grown so much and has a bright future ahead that is bound to include more love and more heartbreak. This love will be the beautiful high school story she tells one day to her own child when they experience that first love…and the heartbreak that will break hers to watch. I’m loving her through this one knowing that life goes on and that she won’t allow the heartbreak to break her completely. I’m staying positive because I know she’s got this. I’ve got her…and I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — Leave a comment

ENDurance

We’ve all been enthusiastic about something in life. My favorite example of enthusiasm is how the night before my first day of school as a kid I would be so enthusiastic and had this anxious excitement for the year ahead. It was a fresh start, school supplies were accounted for and I knew that it was going to be a great year. I was enthusiastic about getting started. I believe that enthusiasm is a common occurrence for everyone. It may be that first day of school or a new job. Maybe it was a relationship or a project. However, enthusiasm can only take us so far.

Eventually, we hit a wall and enthusiasm isn’t always enough to get us to the finish line. The desire doesn’t go away, but it’s not as exciting now that it’s hard or now that it’s actually happening. Maybe it wasn’t what you thought it was. Your schedule changes at school, the job isn’t anything what you thought, the fighting begins with the partner, or you hit a roadblock with the project you wanted to do. In the loss of that enthusiasm we tend to give up. I know, I do.

I’ve been known to lose enthusiasm and lose my want to see whatever it is to the finish line. School was exciting and I would try really hard for a few weeks, but if that effort didn’t pay off, I didn’t like the class or just simply lost my motivation for a couple of days…it was done, I didn’t try anything else. I would diet, lose weight, and do well for a few weeks. Then there would be a ‘bad’ day. I would eat the fries and have cake. I would throw in the towel and say ‘there’s no point. I can’t do this, I already screwed it up.’ That’s how we react when it doesn’t go exactly according to our plan. The end.

Wait…It’s time for endurance, not time for the end! This is when I think we set ourselves apart. There are numerous things that even with enthusiasm and good intentions matched with hard work and a willingness to learn that will require endurance, patience, and strength to be successful. Some things may come easily and all it takes is the attitude and confidence that you are capable. While other ventures may end regardless of the enthusiasm and endurance you have. It’s about listening to yourself and finding what you believe is worth fighting for. For me, it took a long time to find what I was willing to endure and recognize what I was capable of enduring…and yes, what I needed to end.

I endured and persevered through an abusive and unfulfilling marriage. I felt I gave what I could and allowed what was taken from me. I tried to push through and find the enthusiasm to continue. I had the determination, but when there are many factors involved and other people have an effect on your result, it’s trickier to decide if it’s meant to be I fought the end many years, in fact much longer than I should’ve, but in the end I knew that I tried and could walk away knowing that it wasn’t just me quitting when things got hard. I didn’t jump ship at the first sign of bad times. I stuck with it, but it wasn’t healthy for myself or my threefold. It had reached the end. The end has been a process of endurance {and enthusiasm} in and of itself. I could’ve just as easily ran back to what I knew, instead of facing many hardships or fighting the battles I have. The end was my goal. I needed to end that chapter and find my path to happiness; for my threefold and I.

I am enthusiastic at my work and it pays off. I have a good attitude and I enjoy what I do. I’m confident in my abilities. I know my value and my work is often rewarded. I attribute this to my success in my company. It’s not always easy, I often want to say ‘screw it, someone else can handle this’ or have to pull myself out of bed in the morning, but I endure those challenges of my own making and those beyond my control. This endurance has led to two years under my belt with two promotions and four raises, amongst accolades from my clients and my company. It’s resulted in creating a name for myself and a future for my threefold and I. It also led me to find the man I now consider my soulmate and my second chance romance, which is quite enough to call myself successful.

I could’ve quit on my relationship with ‘E’ when things got hard. I could’ve stopped writing when I’ve had blocks. I could’ve quit many nights fighting my threefold. I could’ve quit my job when #2 was hospitalized. I could’ve quit trying to find solutions and treatment plans to help myself and my threefold. I could’ve quit my healthier lifestyle. I could’ve thrown my hands up a million times, but that’s not who I am or the role model I want for my threefold. I’m not a quitter. When life throws punches, I bob and weave. I wait for my opening and show life who is in control. I win. I’m a badass. Stay positive. Endure. We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 1 Comment

Silver Linings

I’ve been pretty negative the past few weeks, just sitting in my puddle of pity and splashing people in the face if they came near or tried to pull me from wallowing in my many woes. Even those that you would think are the strongest still fall. I had to climb out of the hell I was allowing to take over my life {or drug out kicking and screaming} I had to get out of there before I let it consume me and cover me in the dark bitterness of depression. It took some come ups and some push {ok a lot of push} but I’m starting to see some of that silver lining.

I never rolled over and quit {I wanted to.} I knew that my only choice was to keep moving forward and as hard as it has been this past month it’s time to shake off the sadness and the hardships. Now I am going to get to the good {ish} part again. And yes I say ish because it’s never going to be perfect but goodish is MUCH better than hellish. Real talk.

Both of my girls aren’t discharged from the hospital yet, but # 2 came home today. She’ll do a partial hospitalization program starting Monday. That means I can have her home at night, but she’ll still have daily therapy and see her psychiatrist daily. So hospital diring the day, work, and then home. Much better than inpatient with five minute phone calls and no face to face visitation.

#3 will hopefully get out next week. They did a full medication change on her so she has to be monitored while she adjusts to the new regimen. Hopefully, this change is one that helps her to regulate her emotions better. She is ready to be back home. Home for a week then back inpatient isn’t the goal at all. Hopefully her step down care will be partial or intensive outpatient care.

On a brighter note, tomorrow #1 has her 18th birthday party! I went all out. She didn’t get a sweet sixteen due to Covid popping up this time two years ago. She chose an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ theme. I love it. We bought cute spring dresses, too many decorations, and I have three cakes. Yes, I know it’s excessive. Who needs 3 cakes, cupcakes, chocolate covered strawberries and ooey gooey bars? Well, apparently we do. It should be fun and give us all the ability to relax and have some fun. I hate #3 won’t be here with us to celebrate. I miss that kid with all of me right now.

To top off the celebration of the 18th birthday and the official adulthood commencing for one of my threefold we also are celebrating that full scholarship she was awarded for her amazing ACT and academic achievements amongst an essay she wrote. So proud of her! She is rocking this year and has grown so much as a person this year. {still 4’10” but she is dynamite in a tiny package!}

In case I need more to celebrate other than I am one down two to go to successful child rearing, then I can add to the celebratory mood. I achieved a goal that I’ve been working on professionally. I got a promotion at work and a nice little pay increase to go with it. I’m pretty proud to be able to say that in just shy of two years with my current company I’ve had 2 promotions and 4 raises. Not too damn shabby. I do love what I do and the people I get to work with.

Despite all the headaches and the hardships there is still a lot of good happening for us. I know eventually the good will outweigh the bad. I’m ready to keep moving forward and keep overcoming the obstacles. It’s a crazy life Mommin ’ mental illness, but who better to have to do it for my threefold than I? In the mean time I’ll keep trying to see all the good. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M