Today is #1’s 18th birthday. It’s been a weekend full of partying, celebrating and more reality checks than I wanted to face. Today, my oldest is legally an adult {ish} heavy on the ish. When they say time flies and in a blink of an eye they grow up, it’s true. I barely remember sleepless nights anymore, but it still seems like it wasn’t 18 years ago that this tiny, red headed child was coming into the world. It’s crazy how fast it went by, and even though it’s not like it’s over it’s like grieving a loss. She isn’t a child, she’s an adult, a grown woman capable of making decisions that could change her life. I’m just a bystander, an onlooker, and a resource that she can choose to listen to…or not. That’s scary as hell!
I’m confident that she has been raised to know herself and her path. I’m proud of her for a million reasons. I’m not worried about her, I’m worried about the world around her. She is loving, giving, accepting, inclusive and people pleasing. People take advantage of the nice ones sometimes. They walk on people like #1 then call them naive for seeing the best in people. She is scared to let others see her as someone who has an opinion. She is hard on herself and she thinks perfection is an attainable goal. #1 hates conflict and doesn’t want to disappoint others. Her inner voice is very much her biggest obstacle. I believe in her, but now she has to believe in herself.
My girl, is a strong person who has overcome challenges. She doesn’t see that side of her. She has had trauma, but still has a bright light that she shines on those around her. So much has been stolen from #1, but still she gives without hesitation. She is full of love and a genuine sweetness. That innocence and faith of a child that has never been hurt, but she has been hurt. That amazes me. She hasn’t allowed that past hurt to make her cynical or bitter. She is warm and endearing. She chooses her attitude. She isn’t perfect, and never will be, but I want her to be her. Regardless of who that is I will love her unconditionally.
I’m sad and happy today. I’m sad to know my baby, the first of my threefold has officially graduated into adulthood. I’m happy because I know this means she is going to embark on the adventure she chooses for herself. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. Her light will guide her on this path forward into her future. Mommin’ ain’t easy, but I have to pay myself on the back today too and say I’ve reached a milestone as well. I’m the mom of an adult {ish}. One down, two to go! Stay positive! I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
I have been working on being more positive lately and that has transferred over to a positive COVID-19 test. Yep, I’ve caught the VID. I am not thrilled about my 2 week staycation with my threefold who will undoubtedly be bored out of their mind, making messes galore, and incessantly complaining about how awful it is to be stuck in the house 24/7. Not to mention my mess that will be left for me when I return to work or the increases in grocery, electricity, internet usage and all the other bills! We are used to being nearly constantly on the run! No martial arts, no school, no friends, sleepovers, dates, or trips to the grocery store for the next 14 days. No work for mom or ‘E’ either. I have a feeling that we are all going to be ready to pull our hair out in about three days time. What will I do with myself? What will I do with them? Help!
I’m so glad we got our Christmas tree so that’s one thing we can do together. Those happiness challenges may be difficult if we can’t leave home, but we will at least have time to get creative about accomplishing them. We are having groceries delivered and hopefully I ordered enough food to sustain 5 bored humans for at least a few days. We can try some new recipes. Maybe we can get the house cleaned up and in order before Christmas comes. I will have time to write and create more. The kids can paint and draw. We might can actually sleep in a few days. We can have a Christmas movie marathon or binge watch a new tv show. We can decorate outside and hang the lights we said we wanted to hang. We can finally go through all the clothes, get caught up on the laundry, and make room for the stuff Santa brings us. Maybe, just maybe the universe is telling us to slow down, rest, and recharge. No appointments and no need for ‘time keeper Tammy’ to show her face over the next couple of weeks {2 is obsessed with being on time and has to have a plan and a schedule} I’m not sure how well any of us will do, but I’m trying be just as positive as my covid test about this whole situation.
The list is pretty daunting. It’s a pretty commendable list however, whether it anything is marked off is where the heroics will actually come in. A large list of things that we could do and ways to make this a not so unbearable and boring few weeks. With mental illness we all have to be proactive as to not isolate and trigger each other. As a mom, I will need to find my inner most saint like patience as I know how often it will be tested. I also know with bipolar disorder these medications I am being given {ie:steroids} could send me into a manic episode so I need to be cautious. ‘E’ will get his first taste of life stuck with four women, one being a whiny bitch because she is sick and I hate being sick {that’s me}, one who will be googling every symptom and becoming overly health conscious as she is a hypochondriac with anxiety {that’s #1 of threefold}, another bored to tears, hates sitting still, needs a plan for each day and still scared to not be busy because she has to sit with her feelings {that’s #2}, and then the one who has ADHD, is a mess-making, easily bored, and antagonistic when things are not how she wants {that’s #3}. I am thankful tgat we are all finished with our periods this month, honestly, someone up there is looking out for my guy! In addition, I know he is sick. It’s in his eyes, he is coughing, headache, achy and tired. Me too boo, me too. He won’t admit it. I’ve never seen him sick, but he can’t be worse than what I’ve seen some men act like {at least I hope!}
There would’ve been a time not long ago that this would’ve been “the end of the world”. I would’ve made myself more sick as I worried about the bills getting paid, how I would navigate my threefold, and I would’ve spent the next two weeks a moping, sobbing, sick and stressed out lump with no plan. That’s probably why I got it now instead of a year ago when it was the trendy virus to have. That’s me though, I shop at Ross, Marshall’s, TJ Max, and Good Will because I am perfectly content wearing last seasons fashions and save that money for other things. Why would Covid be any different? (I’m making light of me having this not attempting to be insensitive to the millions who have been gravely affected) I’m positive that I am going to be ok. I’m not 100%, tip top fighting shape but I’m pretty healthy overall {where it counts I think}. I just hope the kids stay well and that we can take advantage of the situation instead of making it worse on each other. That’s the goal for the next two weeks. Until I am released from house arrest I will try to quiet my quarantine qualms and turn this into QT quarantine with the fam. Stay positive! {not this positive but you know} and keep enjoying the journey! ☮️❤️😊~M
Last year I spent my first Thanksgiving without my threefold. I was so upset and felt empty. I tried keeping myself busy, I tried sleeping as much as I could and begged for ‘E’ {who I was dating} to stay with me, even though I knew he needed to go to pick up his own kiddo to spend turkey day with her. That afternoon was the worst time. I didn’t do anything {except wallowin my own feeling} and due to COVID-19 there were no family gatherings to distract me or give me some semblance of Thanksgiving. Thankfully {no pun intended} I had convinced ‘E’ that we, his midget included, should all go have dinner since his extended family all lived out of state and we both had to work the following day, and the VID had pretty much put a damper on life in general. We did. We laughed, had cheese sticks, brownies with ice cream, chicken tenders and fries and spent our first holiday together at an Applebee’s of all places. Then not wanting to go home to an empty bed we went to Walgreens and made fools of ourselves. It was memorable, and I’m so grateful that they made me feel better about my first holiday without my threefold. The following weekend all four kids {defcon four} ‘E’ and I had our first family outing all together where everyone seemed to get along and I was excited that maybe this could be something good. My threefold commented on ‘how happy I looked’ with ‘E’. A comment that still resonates with me when they say it today. I was happy. I am even happier now.
Last November, I was still on a 50/50 parenting schedule with my ex, navigating a rollercoaster divorce, and easily manipulated by my ex and the situation. I was freshly ‘single’ and trying my hand with someone new and putting my best face forward. I was still fairly new at work, but had recently really found my stride and my benefit to the team. I was parenting, but I wasn’t always present even while in the same room and definitely not near as accessible. I was in therapy beginning to work on resolving my past, but still was using old coping mechanisms that were unhealthy to get me through the hard days. I had panic attacks often and had grown accustomed to numbing out my emotions so I wouldn’t have to feel them. My anxiety was at an 8/10 most days and hadn’t gotten better even with the prescription medication, coping mechanisms and therapy. It wasn’t pretty, but I was still trying to make it appear nice and neat all put together and dressed our lives up for conversations and pictures.
Reality hit hard when, the Monday after Thanksgiving of 2020, #2 of my threefold was admitted to an acute inpatient psychiatric hospital for self harm and suicidal ideation for the first time. {this hospitalization marked the first of five we’ve had over the past 12 months} She was only 12. I didn’t understand. The Earth fell out from under my feet and I went into free fall. ‘E’ didn’t know me ‘like that’ and I tried with everything in me to get him to ‘take the out’ and just ‘walk away. no harm. no foul. no hard feelings’ I gave him every reason to leave. I told him we were too complicated, broken, difficult and too much over and over again. He refused even though I didn’t know why he would choose to stay with us through all of that. He did. He didn’t just stand by, he stepped up in ways I never thought possible and became the person who has helped carry us through this year, all of us. He got a lot of push back, misplaced anger, a lot of hard time, and had to be the ‘perky positivity peddler’ probably even when he didn’t want to be because we didn’t know how to love him the way that he was loving us. We didn’t get it then. I can’t even describe the gratitude and love my threefold and I have for him after this year now that we recognize that he chose us even when we gave him every reason to leave. He stayed. He loved us through the healing and loved us as we learned to love ourselves. He has earned his place in our hearts.
While #2 was still hospitalized I moved into our new home. The day we moved I can vividly recall the meeting with the case worker for abuse allegations against my ex. I covered for my ex that day along with my other two children as we stated ‘he isn’t abusive, that was in the past’. I will always regret allowing myself to be manipulated and intimidated enough to do that and for my other two girls who went against their sister to protect their dad, only following my example. This wouldn’t be the first or the last time I allowed the manipulation and intimidation my ex served us dictate my life decisions or the decisions that I made for my threefold. That week I was moving into my home my ex begged me to meet him and I was terrified to go. I went anyway because he said ‘it’s important’. I gained a large piece of myself and my strength back that night as he read the apology he had written apologizing for all that he had ever done to the girls and I. I stared at him and he stared back with tears in his eyes and told him ‘no, there was too much damage done to turn back now.’ The 15 years prior flashing in front of my eyes as I tried to rationalize my decision. I also had the previous few months of my life with ‘E’ and the hope of what the future could look like with him vs. how I felt that the future would look like with my ex running through my head. I am so thankful that even in the turmoil that I thought through it with rationality {I don’t usually display rational thought when stressed} and chose neither my ex or ‘E’. I chose my threefold and what I wanted for myself and for them. I continued my relationship with ‘E’. However, that day I knew it would always be my threefold before everyone and everything else, regardless what I wanted. It was the first decision that changed the trajectory of our lives.
This Thanksgiving looks so different from that Thanksgiving dinner at Applebee’s, that first ‘family’ outing with Defcon 4, ‘E’ and I, and the two weeks afterwards with #2’s hospitalization. I won’t be sharing the holidays this year. I don’t have to have conversations with my ex about anything other than an update on #3 every now and again. There are no more cover ups and a lot less fear. The manipulation is still attempted but I am quicker to recognize the behavior. Instead, this Thanksgiving we are celebrating all the things we have to be grateful for, together as a blended family. We mark the one year anniversary of moving into this house that we’ve made a home. Multiple college acceptance letters for #1 and good grades, plus lots of self improvement. The recovery of #2 being nearly 6 months free of self harm and successfully discharging from treatment 6 weeks ago. Martial arts, good grades, making friends and behavior improvement with #3. Drama club, honor roll and help with coping with anxiety for BK {bonus kid}. Everyone being back in school {in person NOT virtual}, adjusting and doing well. The many blessings we’ve had along the way from ‘go fund me’, to meals, & help with medical bills. That I have an amazing job where I could work and care for my threefold. I am grateful that I was promoted and received two raises this year and so did ‘E’ with a 3rd coming soon for him! The ability to gather with our family this year. And so much more! There are a lot of things that we do differently these days than we did before, but they are all in an effort of making us better.
I am so proud of us all. I am proud because even as we collectively faced the hardest year we have had to face thus far, both individually and as a family, we have come out on the other side closer, better, stronger and more positive than we ever were before. As I reflect on where we are now, I can’t help but think how different things were last year in comparison. How different I am. How different we all are. I don’t think that I ever could’ve imagined how tumultuous, life-changing, or the difficulties the last year brought to our family. I didn’t see any of it coming as I sat at that Applebee’s a year ago missing my threefold. As much hardship and heartbreak as we endured this year, I still can recognize how much good was inspired from the hard times we’ve experienced. We overcame every obstacle and challenge that came our way and persevered. We will continue to overcome our hurdles, together. We are still working through many things and rebuilding what was broken and finding the pieces from the broken parts of our past, but I am amazed at all the positive actions and steps that were taken despite the challenges we’ve faced. The good we have today definitely outweighs the bad we were up against last year. We found ourselves, we found each other, we grew closer, we learned lessons and found a way towards healing. We love bigger and appreciate more. We look for the message in every mess. I wouldn’t ask for the hardship and the struggle, but I am thankful that we have found the silver linings and found ways for us to grow and heal despite it all. We have been blessed beyond measure and those blessings continue to show up in our lives. Today I will recognize our strength and determination to keep fighting for our future. We have truly been blessed by our mess. Today I challenge you to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful! Love big! Show gratitude! There is always something to be grateful no matter the circumstances.
