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Journey to Positivity: Day 2

After my not so great start, day 2 was EXACTLY what I thought this journey would be about! I am much more positive and I am not nearly as drained as I thought I would be at the end of the day. It was overall exactly the day I needed to keep my motivation alive and myself from drowning in failure. I am ready for the days ahead. I am ready for this challenge!

I SLEPT 6 hours straight! No up and down. No interruptions. It was miraculous and restorative. I woke up at 6:30 and didn’t hit the snooze button! (This has been a struggle for me daily for years) Granted I set a 6am alarm that I hit snooze on. That was my way of tricking my mind into thinking I got 30 minutes extra sleep when I didn’t. I spent an hour on setting myself up for success and going through my goals and checking them off one by one. By 7:40 I had already completed most of my daily tasks. I was off to a running start and feeling confident.

I went to work and was ON TIME! I accepted help with getting 2 from treatment. I accepted help from 2 by letting her help me catch up on some of the tasks I don’t do as often as I should. I was able to get completely caught up today on all of my work. Nothing was left for me to do by 5:30 except close up. I was focused. I kept a great attitude and didn’t let anything bother me. I had to make myself relax a few times, but other than that all was good. I was having fun and laughing. I was smiling and helpful. It was amazing! I didn’t even have to shift my thoughts to positive. I stayed there. ALL DAY.

Usually by the time work is finished I have been drained. I actually still had energy to spare today. I was so pumped by my good day that I purchased supplies for the whole family to work on our vision boards. We got posters, magazines, glitter, glue, construction paper, markers, letters, and colored pens. 3 dyed our shower blue with the hair dye that she used today. Even as I was cleaning the shower and the PPP announced that the whole shower needed to be scrubbed thoroughly because of the amount of hair dye on my white tile floor and on the walls I caught myself saying “well we needed to clean the shower anyway!” Yesterday I have no doubt I would’ve had a yelling match with 3 and had her in there scrubbing and I would’ve been b!tching about it the whole time. I would’ve fussed when the 9yo didn’t get it all clean and that I had to clean up her mess. I realized today though that would’ve only led to me becoming more frustrated and negative and made 3 feel pretty bad about herself. I cleaned it and went about the night like nothing had ever happened. It was true after all, I did need to clean that shower. It’s been a hot minute! Hopefully, I continue making conscious effort in my positive actions, reactions, and words. I caught myself getting frustrated with 1. I was frustrated that they were upset about something that didn’t make sense to me. I had to remind myself that they are allowed to have feelings and as the PPP tells me often just because someone feels a certain way doesn’t mean the feeling is based in truth. We have to acknowledge their feelings before we can try to change their perception. Validation is key. I caught myself becoming defensive and quickly stopped myself. There is a reason I keep the PPP around. He is amazingly insightful, positive, and right about many things (don’t tell him I said that!) I am excited to be the one to spread some positivity to the fam. I am an example to them too, and I want it to be a positive example I am setting!

One thing that is a large part of our daily routine is that we sit down and have dinner together. We always sit around the dinner table laugh and joke. We have always done “positives and negatives”. This has been my way of getting everyone (including myself) to see the positive things that happened in our day and also let others know where we may need to improve, what our struggles are, and how we see different things. I’ve grown to love this and I believe it is a great way to get defcon four talking and listening. We cheer for each other and support one another. Tonight we did something a little different we created a “family mission statement”. This was a tool to get us all to participate in recognizing our strengths and weaknesses as a family and setting goals on how to improve and what changes we can make as a whole as well as what we enjoy doing together and what goals we have for the future. 2 was the one that suggested we sit and discuss this as this was an assignment from her therapist. I really think it helped us all see what we expected, liked, disliked, and what we want as a family. Everyone was included and everyone had a say. I highly recommend doing this with your own family, especially if you have kids. I can see how this could be beneficial in all relationships and possibly might want to do one with the PPP as well that is personal and exclusive to us.

I am very proud of my progress today and even as the phone shut down is approaching I am still keeping a positive mindset. I am excited to discuss some goals and plans I have for the coming weeks with the PPP. I am hoping he will be on board or have some ideas of his own to help me be more positive, productive, and to help us as a couple as well as a family. I am super excited to keep this journey going. Thank you blog for keeping me accountable!

Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 2

  • Woke up at 6:30am ✅
  • Completed 15 minutes of morning meditation SUCCESSFULLY ✅
  • Journaled my vision for the day ✅
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos today ✅
  • Completed positive affirmations ✅
  • Scripted how my day would go ✅
  • Reviewed my monthly and yearly goals✅
  • Blogged my journey✅
  • Unfollowed some of my trauma groups as these can be triggering and keep me focused on the past. ✅
  • Purchased supplies to work on vision boards ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for the PPP, my partner, my soulmate, my love.
  • Today I am grateful for this journey.
  • Today I am grateful for the day.
  • Today I am grateful for all that I have
  • Today I am grateful for the motivation to continue
  • Today I am grateful for my career
  • Today I am grateful for this blog
  • Today I am grateful for my ability to help my family
  • Today I am grateful for the therapists who work and support my threefold and help me understand them better
  • Today I am grateful for our family mission statement
  • Today I am grateful for family dinner
  • Today I am grateful for having help
  • Today I am grateful for my ability to choose to live in positivity.
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Journey to Positivity: Day 1

I could lie, but I’m just going to be straight up and honest. My day 1 was mostly a bust. My head is still spinning and my thoughts are racing. Day 1 should be where all the motivation is. It’s the beginning, I should be the most excited on day 1. I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I let the negativity win today. I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for jumping into and meeting such high expectations of myself. It sucks. However, I do know all the places I went wrong.

I went to bed about 4:30am (ish), heavy on the ish. Not the best start considering I was supposed to be at work at 6:30am. I shouldn’t have even gone to sleep, but I wanted to rest for a minute even it was just relaxing. The exhaustion won and I guess i just shut down. I don’t remember turning off my alarm at 5:30am, but I did. At 7:00am I woke up and realized there wasn’t much point in trying to go in early. I tried to go ahead with the plan. I did a 10 minute meditation, but I was unable to focus on it. I couldn’t get my mind to clear. I journaled my intentions for the day. That wasn’t a difficult task. I did listen to the motivational speakers on the way to take 2 to treatment and on my drive in to work. Stumbling in a couple of hours past schedule, with only a couple of hours of sleep was enough to put me in a uphill battle against my own motivation.

I was fading and unfocused. I was lagging, I was taking too long to do stuff I knew how to do. By noon, I had a coffee, a coke and a 5 hour trying to try to keep me in the zone and focused on the tasks at hand. I managed to sell, complete my work, update customers, but I was definitely having a harder time keeping up and taking far longer than normal to complete the tasks I needed to. I pulled it off, and come 3pm I was headed to pick up 2. I did positive affirmations with a focus on ridding myself of anxiety and negativity on the way there and listened to a Ted talk on my way back to the office. I finished out my day and managed to not go off on anyone, get snappy, or jack anything up. So those are positives!

Once I left work I could feel the exhaustion settling in. I was becoming more irritable. I was definitely anxious and unfocused. My least favorite thing is to feel like I have 100% to strangers at work and that I was unable to give that same effort to my family. Work can drain me though because it feels like I have to plaster on the smile and amp up my positivity to do my job. By the time I get home I’m done with the fake and ready to settle in my feelings and decompress. Unfortunately that decompression is where I lose my “fake happy” and the true feelings show up. The frustration, the anxiety, the irritation, and the overall mood shift just makes me quiet and introspective. I really need to figure out the balance. I hate feeling like this and I know everyone is picking up on this energy. That’s why I’m doing this! That’s my motivation to feel better and to not pass on the disease of negativity to everyone around me.

It really is hard to get out of my own way and get out of my own head. I just didn’t have the energy today. I will try again tomorrow. I will do better tomorrow. I will be successful tomorrow. I am worth my own effort. I am worthy of my own time. I am not a prisoner to my past or to my future. I am free from my mistakes. I am working hard to change my life. I am healing. I am present. And so it is.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List for Day 1:

  • I REALLY wanted to call in to work. I went anyway and got a lot accomplished.
  • I am in the top 10 in the company this week for sales as of today.
  • I attempted meditation.
  • I completed 26 minutes straight of positive affirmations.
  • I listened to 30 minutes of motivational videos today.
  • I journaled my intentions for the day.
  • I completed my goals for July 2021
  • I completed my goals for the remainder of 2021. I scripted and am manifesting where I am going to be in my journey by January 1, 2022
  • I did another 30 minutes of positive ‘I am’ affirmations.
  • I danced it out and sang (badly) until I couldn’t hear my head over my music and my own voice.
  • I cooked dinner for the family (it was bussin’ or so I hear!)
  • I was able to smile and enjoy the family during dinner.
  • I gave myself a break from being perfect.
  • I am being honest about my struggles.
  • I never gave up and said the c word (can’t) when I knew everything wouldn’t be completed today. I still worked towards meeting the goals I knew I still could achieve today.
  • I am reframing my mind set to say tomorrow is an opportunity to do better than today. I am giving myself grace.
  • I am thankful for my family.
  • I am thankful for my work.
  • I am thankful for the chance to try again.
  • I am thankful for this blog and my ability to express myself freely here.
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Can’t Hide my Pride! 🌈

For my threefold! Your inclusiveness astounds me. Your love knows no limit! I am proud to be your momma.

We had our first family outing to a pride event this past weekend. The perky positivity peddler bought front row seats to a soccer game downtown and had a large pride event incorporated into it for all of us. It was a great way for the older girls to bond and enjoy something that the PPP loves, soccer, but also let them express their individuality and allowed them to be supported as they navigate different aspects of gender identity and sexual preferences. These kids are so much more inclusive than I was. Sure I had friends who were openly gay or bi, but we never had events to attend or fundraiser for support. Being gay or bi as female was definitely more socially acceptable and increased a woman’s sex appeal. It wasn’t as accepted to be a man that identified as anything other than straight. We were the era of “the dl”, “that’s so gay”, “All homosexuals have AIDS” and closeted friends scared to tell their truth. That definitely was a time for pride for any of us. I’m happy to be a part of a new era that gives loves freely and rights are shared among all. It’s beautiful. There is still hate, stigma, and insults but the LGBTQ+ community has grown in both people that are out and those who struggle, along with a major shift of support from their heterosexual allies. I say you do you boo. Live your life and love whoever the f^€k you want!

You may have noticed I refer to #2 of my threefold, as having a “person” instead of boyfriend/girlfriend type label. 2 is openly into the same sex/non-binary people, but recently she is also showing interest in boys again. Her preference is strongly more towards a person biologically the same sex as her. #1 of my threefold prefers the they/them pronoun and has renamed themself a more gender fluid name than their birth name. They are comfortable with being partnered with any lgbtq+ person and is more into personality and connection than gender or sexual orientation labels. My bonus kid, also is similar to 1. in these beliefs. However, BK and 1 currently have partners of the opposite sex.

#1 of my threefold, tried telling me a million times that they were struggling with how to identify and who their people were going to be. They fluctuated from gay to bi to straight and back around again. This made it difficult for me to accept as a truth, even though now I realize it wasn’t that it was not spoken in truth when they said it, it was more of a sliding scale that I honestly did not understand. I will be forthright in saying it took #2 coming out to me and my always feeling she may be from a young age for me to truly come around to the ideas of all things lgbtq+. That wasn’t fair to 1. I’m not sure if I was being told by my peers that it was “a phase” or that “all kids feel a need to have a label” or my own personal stubbornness and feelings to accept what 1 was telling me. I’m forever sorry for not allowing her to truly express themselves. I am extremely proud of DEFCON 4 for feeling allowed to be their authentic selves in my presence without fear of persecution or judgment. I hope they always know they have my unconditional love and support regardless of how they identify.

I won’t lie, I struggle I have a hard time referring to 1 as something other than the name I gave them. I say she/her because I’ve had 17 years of practice at both. Changing any repeated behaviors after that long is going to be difficult for anyone. I struggle with 2’s person as well . I often say she/her, because it is difficult to transition back and forth. I do call them by their chosen name though because that’s how I was introduced to them. The first time I met their father and he repeated their birth name I honestly didn’t know who they were talking about! I had to retrain my brain to refer to them as they/them, and now he is saying she/her. Then I could only assume they weren’t comfortable coming out to their father or he was having a hard time like me changing a habit of 14 years to fit the identity they are now.

There was a time when gay people did not have the same rights as the rest of the people.

-Our future grandchildren-

I’ve learned so many things from DEFCON 4 (as I want to be inclusive of my BK when it regards her as well) I’ve learned more about sexuality and expression. I’ve learned about identity and being fluid. I’ve learned that we all have the right to be loved and accepted as we are regardless of any label, race, sexual orientation, ethnic back ground, religious beliefs, or gender identity. They have taught me to be more inclusive and accepting. They have taught me the meaning of love. A million times over I am grateful for their lessons.