Posted on Leave a comment

The Writing on the Walls and the Truth Bombs that make them Fall

Photo Credit from #2 words-M

There is this fine line I have found between feeling like someone isn’t understanding or validating your feelings and having a difference of opinion or sharing their perspective of the situation with you. I can only assume that C-PTSD and anxiety are my reasons that I tend to lean towards the side of feeling invalidated and misunderstood. I’m not really sure. It will most likely be a question I will have to ask myself after my reactions to certain situations. Unfortunately, there are times that I react first and continue reacting, and ask the question well after I’ve given an awful triggered reaction Regardless of when I ask, it’s still good to know so I can try to reevaluate my outlook on whatever the situation was.

I have been pretty bad about asking for or even accepting help from others. I don’t like asking because I feel like I’m bothering someone and if they say no…it irritates me even though it shouldn’t. My “live, laugh, love” leader (aka my therapist) tells me that I don’t accept help because when I do I feel out of control. I like to have control of the situation. If I do it I know it’s getting done and getting done the way I would do it. My rules, my playbook. They also said I don’t like accepting help because it allows me to play the victim and use my “busy and stretched too thin” persona as an advantage in other areas. I can use it as a reason I’m in a bad mood, as a way to get out of something else or avoid dealing with something else, or I can simply just feel the need to have attention that comes with being the mom who does everything all by herself and doesn’t need anyone’s help. Then after I’ve decided I’m going to do it myself, I decide to b!tch about how the other person should have forced me to accept the help. Phew! That was a truth bomb I didn’t know was coming. That bomb exploded my way of life. When the next day came around, I immediately reached out to the PPP (aka my partner in crime & life) and asked for help. I also took it. I was proud of my little step towards becoming more comfortable asking for help from those around me.

Last week happened and I fell into this funk. I was understandably (or I thought) upset and working through the separation anxiety from 2 and the complete loss of control. When I was forced to seek help and admit her to a long term facility to help deal with her mental illness. That happened Thursday by Sunday I was not peddled the perky positivity from my PPP as I have grown accustomed to. He was throwing another truth bomb in my lap and forcing me to deal with the explosive aftermath. I was doing exactly the opposite of what 2 asked of me before she left for her long hospital admission -“momma, no crying, stay positive, you can’t let me being gone be your negative everyday. 1 and 3 need you to stay strong. I need you to stay strong.” He quite bluntly told me “Like my mom always said: Sitting on that pity potty isn’t getting you nothing besides a ring around your a$$!” I was livid! How dare him! You are going to look at me and all I have been through these last few weeks and tell me basically to “suck it up buttercup” and move on and be happy? That got a big f-you salute and a lot of name calling about him being an extremely insensitive a$$hole and being a d!ck who couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. I felt he was completely invalidating my pain and not allowing me to work through my feelings. I was RIGHT! HE was WRONG. I believed it to be true and I was ready to fall on that sword and die because I knew I was that right. I fought him for hours and it didn’t get better. The name calling ceased and my anger simmered down, but I was so hurt. This man who has always been right there picking me up if I fell and had stood by me through all the other extreme ups and downs over the past year was all of a sudden saying these mean and cruel things about pity parties, losing my fight, and making it about me. Me! Me? I don’t throw pity parties, I don’t sulk, I don’t give up, and these past six weeks haven’t been close to being all about me!

From my PPP yes we write notes on our bathroom mirror at least weekly.

The more I thought about it the more upset I became. I was shocked. How did the man I love and who had loved me so well without ever giving up on me all of sudden be this hurtful. We’ve fought and I’ve gotten my feelings hurt before, but this fight shook me. It reminded me of my past. It hurt in that deep, raw, cutting way and it made me doubt everything he had ever said to me that was positive. How could he say he loved me one minute and make me feel awful for feeling awful the next? How could one day I be the best person and most amazing woman he had ever known and the next I was a selfish, sulking, pity party throwing woman who he didn’t recognize as the woman he loved. I couldn’t make both things exist so I chose to see and even began to agree with the latter. I began to question if I even should continue our relationship. Should I let my C-PTSD win and the anxiety ravage my mind as I had let it done thousands of times before. Was I even healthy enough to have a relationship? Am I toxic? Could it be possible that I was the narcissist in my past relationships? I didn’t have the answers, and now I didn’t know if I even wanted them. I was scared that I had always been the bad guy, but always just blamed the other party because that’s what toxic and narcissistic people would do. Maybe I would never be capable of being truly happy. I was destined to be a negative, cynical and insecure person. I wasn’t sure how to proceed.I just didn’t think I was going to ever see his side of this argument. I wanted to, but by the time I had reached the point of genuinely seeking to understand the why behind the motive he had shut down and it was only intensifying my feelings of failure and of not meeting the expectations of my family. I slept and prayed to find a way to resolve it.

Then the bomb exploded and it blew up how I had been interpreting that writing on the wall.”

“The Writing on the Walls and the Truth Bombs That Make Them Fall” My Threefold- M

I woke the next day and was still completely unsettled. I felt insecure in every possible way. I was anxious about needing to return to work because even though I knew my boss was understanding and compassionate the PPP had made it seem like I had missed so much that I was in jeopardy of losing the only place I felt completely confident in every aspect. I was anxious about our relationship and still pretty hurt. I found myself still so incredibly upset. Didn’t he see the tired? Didn’t he realize how much pain I was in. He apologized multiple times for how he approached the situation and I apologized for name-calling, pushing away, and being completely unwilling to try and see things from his side of the situation. However, even with my apologies I was unable to reach a solution to solve any of it and desperately felt I needed to prove I was right that I wasn’t a selfish, sulking, pity party throwing baby that had given up all hope. I got stuck in the bad and stuck in my intense need to be right and truly have him validate that feeling without sarcasm or passive aggressive dismissive repetition of the same false narrative and apology. I wanted a genuine apology with remorse and love. I spent that day wondering if I had ignored the writing on the wall that we moved too fast, that he was going to be dismissive of my feelings and my bad days, that maybe we weren’t meant to be together like I had originally thought. I felt like the apology he gave was simply because he didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want to deal with it. That he wasn’t actually sorry and didn’t see any of the things he did that hurt me. As I sat, I was so negative, I was oozing it. I was so exhausted in every single way exhausted. I was so upset. I was so hurt. I was so missing my 2. I just felt like I didn’t have anything good going on at the moment to be positive about. I just wanted to cry and sleep and shut away the world. Then the bomb exploded and it blew up how I had been interpreting that writing on the wall.

As I was wallowing and sinking further into my negative, irrational and catastrophic thoughts, it hit me like the wall that all the writing was on had just fallen on top of me. He was right. I was wrong. Did I just want to type those words? No! This is a real talk moment so I got to speak the truth. Some of you may be calling home the exact same things I did that night, but hear me out, please. Yes, I absolutely had a reason to be upset and was obviously going to have up’s and down’s during the adjustment and the chaos and the exhaustion. I was definitely deserving of allowances and time to come to terms that 2 was going to be away for a long while. I probably will be on an emotional rollercoaster for the duration. The difference in opinion and perspective came in where he saw me living in the bad. If you have read my previous blog posts you would know that the PPP (Perky Positivity Peddler) was known for moving past the negativity and looking for the “silver linings” as he so often refers to them. It’s one of the many reasons I love him so much. He can always flip the situation. Even our fights always end with a reminder that “this situation is only teaching us how we can be better for one another, we are meant to be this is just a speed bump.” I may have been hurt and angry, but one bad night against a forever of happiness was worth it. I decided I had to choose to be happy as he had told me and quit looking for the bad. I needed to be grateful for the good. I needed to put in the effort to be more positive and go back towards my positivity journey even if it got off course. He was right. I was stuck in the bad. I was focused on how I felt not on how anyone else felt, not 1, not 3, not him, not BK, not my family, friends or coworkers. It had started from a general place of worry, pain and sadness for 2’s extended time away, but had evolved into a self centered expression of my own feelings and how this was affecting me, and only me. I was in fact having a selfish sulking pity party. This realization changed my trajectory the remainder of the week.

I know myself enough to know that I can easily kill all of my positivity with my anxiety. I know that my overthinking will allow me to quit and that I’m not getting what I want out a working on a certain thing any longer, especially if it gets difficult or feels like I may fail. I’m quick to start and quickly quit doing anything that inconveniences me, makes me uncomfortable or doesn’t have the desired effect. I know I’m capable, but I can also admit I get lazy, bored, and unmotivated if I feel it’s not working out or producing any results. I fight as long as I can see what I will gain from my efforts. If I can’t envision it or lose focus I will sabotage myself so that I have a reason to quit. Yet another truth bomb. I’m very aware that I’m impatient and that I want what I want when I want it.

There is honestly nothing I love more than a challenge and someone thinking or telling me that I can’t do something, because then I have an intense motivation to prevail. I’m just competitive even if ultimately my competition is myself. I’m just built with a hardcore desire to show my capabilities and can honestly admit I love pushing myself to be better than others at whatever I’m going. Not because I’m stuck up or snobby or holier than thou. It’s because I want to succeed. I like the feeling of being good at things. The PPP knows these things so I’m sure a large part of his “you’re not fighting” approach was to spark that fire in me, not to intentionally or maliciously hurt me. In that moment, I realized he knew me, he knew that I hadn’t been buying any of that positivity peddling, so instead he hit me with truth bombs that forced me to re-evaluate my perspective. He knew all along that sometimes the truth hurts, but he also knew if he could just get me to look at what my threefold was seeing, and face myself in the mirror of truth that would change my direction and reignite the fire I had to be the best version of myself. And yet again he was right.

Posted on Leave a comment

Journey to Positivity: Day 3

Hello lovely people! I hope you had an amazing day full of love, positivity, and fulfillment! I am awesome. Day three is a complete success. I am rocking this journey and completed committed to surrendering to the process of being positive. Yes, I know it all sounds so cheesy and so incredibly cringy. It is. I am accepting that part of being a perky positivity peddler is that I have to be perky AND positive. Part of being those things is accepting the cheesy and sometimes cringy mantras that set me up for a successful journey. It’s a process!

Today has been just as I scripted it to be with only a few little hurdles. Scripting is the process of laying out exactly what you want each day and how you envision your day, your life, anything and everything to go. It’s setting your intentions for the day. You can speak them or write them. Of course, writing them is the most helpful and effective for me (go figure) but then I also read them aloud when I am finished writing. Scripting has helped me to manifest my day and allowed me to start the day off with the best intentions. It gives me a fresh perspective on what I plan to accomplish, how I feel, and my interactions with the people in my life.

This was my actual scripting from this morning from my personal journal. #personalmusings

Just so I am accountable I did get off the phone by 11:15pm last night. I was in bed by 12:00am. I stayed in bed. I slept for eight (EIGHT) hours. I did wake up several times but not fully, more of the toss and turn. I woke up feeling refreshed and with only a hint of anxiety and negativity in my head. Of course I didn’t give in to it. I simply brushed off the sleepy haze and started my morning as I had intended to do. I have noticed that I am far more anxious in the morning and more prone to having negative thoughts. I’m not sure why other than I have not been a “morning” person as long as I can remember. I’m the type of person that needs to time to fully wake up and begin my day, get my caffeine levels back up and mentally get sorted out before speaking to other people. I am going find some tip or trick to improve this. I woke up about 8:00am with the PPP telling me goodbye as he was leaving for work. With a kiss goodbye and some grumblings about him not sleeping well I began feeling like he might be starting his day off in a not so positive way. I could feel myself ready to match the energy. I decided it would be best to encourage him. In PPP fashion after a few texts that reminded him of how capable he was of overcoming lack of sleep, power outages at work, bad traffic, and just a case of the blahs he began to agree he was not going to let anything keep him down. I patted myself on the back for being encouraging and supportive in a positive way. I know that could’ve gone differently for both of us.

No work for me today! Its Saturday! Ahhh! Yes! The day of rest! A day I can spend some quality time with myself. As much much as I love my threefold and the PPP, I have grown to enjoy having time to myself. Saturday is a day of family, focus, and fun! Not having to meet a deadline or have time restrictions inherits me the opportunity to begin my day with as much work on my journey as I feel warranted. So this morning I spent about 2 hours focusing on my mindset and setting myself up for a positive and wonderful day. I did my make up, made myself cute, and took some pictures to remind myself I am beautiful. I like looking good it makes me feel confident. I took my threefold to the store and I had quite a bit of anxiety. Public places have been known to get me worked up especially when I have the whole crew with me. I fell into it. I could feel my mood shifting and myself allowing the anxiety and negativity settle in. My muscles became tense. My face I’m sure looked like I was mad. I got quiet. My threefold wanted to go into another store. I said they could but decided I needed to skip the next one. I went and sat in the car out front of the store. I turned on a “quick calm” meditation and sat back in my seat and closed my eyes. The crew came back to the car and I turned the music up and sang the whole way home. It helped. When I got home I snuggled up next to the PPP and relaxed for a few minutes. Then I began working on collecting what I wanted to include on my vision board. That improved my mood and vibe quite a bit! I was glad to have found my way out of that funk I was headed for. I had a few moments here and there where I caught myself thinking in a more negative way. Each time I tried to remember that those feelings weren’t serving anyone especially me and I would shake them off an move forward. For this I was proud of myself.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 3

  • I woke up at 8(ish) ✅
  • I meditated successfully. ✅ I’ve found breaking up the meditation into smaller chunks helps me to focus and stay more present. Over time I will be able to increase my time. It’s about quality not quantity!
  • I journaled my intentions for the day and scripted what I wanted to manifest for the day. ✅
  • I completed my positive affirmations ✅
  • I watched a few motivational videos today. ✅
  • I looked over my goals for the month and the remainder of the year ✅
  • I blogged today. ✅
  • I began thinking about and researching some new things to try. ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my journey.
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for time alone
  • Today I am grateful for my boss
  • Today I am grateful for my day off
  • Today I am grateful for my focus
  • Today I am grateful for motivation
  • Today I am grateful for my blog
  • Today I am grateful for second chances
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for overcoming negativity
  • Today I am grateful for sleep
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for everything I have
  • Today I am grateful for kitten snuggles
  • Today I am grateful for healing

Posted on Leave a comment

Journey to Positivity: Day 1

I could lie, but I’m just going to be straight up and honest. My day 1 was mostly a bust. My head is still spinning and my thoughts are racing. Day 1 should be where all the motivation is. It’s the beginning, I should be the most excited on day 1. I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I let the negativity win today. I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for jumping into and meeting such high expectations of myself. It sucks. However, I do know all the places I went wrong.

I went to bed about 4:30am (ish), heavy on the ish. Not the best start considering I was supposed to be at work at 6:30am. I shouldn’t have even gone to sleep, but I wanted to rest for a minute even it was just relaxing. The exhaustion won and I guess i just shut down. I don’t remember turning off my alarm at 5:30am, but I did. At 7:00am I woke up and realized there wasn’t much point in trying to go in early. I tried to go ahead with the plan. I did a 10 minute meditation, but I was unable to focus on it. I couldn’t get my mind to clear. I journaled my intentions for the day. That wasn’t a difficult task. I did listen to the motivational speakers on the way to take 2 to treatment and on my drive in to work. Stumbling in a couple of hours past schedule, with only a couple of hours of sleep was enough to put me in a uphill battle against my own motivation.

I was fading and unfocused. I was lagging, I was taking too long to do stuff I knew how to do. By noon, I had a coffee, a coke and a 5 hour trying to try to keep me in the zone and focused on the tasks at hand. I managed to sell, complete my work, update customers, but I was definitely having a harder time keeping up and taking far longer than normal to complete the tasks I needed to. I pulled it off, and come 3pm I was headed to pick up 2. I did positive affirmations with a focus on ridding myself of anxiety and negativity on the way there and listened to a Ted talk on my way back to the office. I finished out my day and managed to not go off on anyone, get snappy, or jack anything up. So those are positives!

Once I left work I could feel the exhaustion settling in. I was becoming more irritable. I was definitely anxious and unfocused. My least favorite thing is to feel like I have 100% to strangers at work and that I was unable to give that same effort to my family. Work can drain me though because it feels like I have to plaster on the smile and amp up my positivity to do my job. By the time I get home I’m done with the fake and ready to settle in my feelings and decompress. Unfortunately that decompression is where I lose my “fake happy” and the true feelings show up. The frustration, the anxiety, the irritation, and the overall mood shift just makes me quiet and introspective. I really need to figure out the balance. I hate feeling like this and I know everyone is picking up on this energy. That’s why I’m doing this! That’s my motivation to feel better and to not pass on the disease of negativity to everyone around me.

It really is hard to get out of my own way and get out of my own head. I just didn’t have the energy today. I will try again tomorrow. I will do better tomorrow. I will be successful tomorrow. I am worth my own effort. I am worthy of my own time. I am not a prisoner to my past or to my future. I am free from my mistakes. I am working hard to change my life. I am healing. I am present. And so it is.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List for Day 1:

  • I REALLY wanted to call in to work. I went anyway and got a lot accomplished.
  • I am in the top 10 in the company this week for sales as of today.
  • I attempted meditation.
  • I completed 26 minutes straight of positive affirmations.
  • I listened to 30 minutes of motivational videos today.
  • I journaled my intentions for the day.
  • I completed my goals for July 2021
  • I completed my goals for the remainder of 2021. I scripted and am manifesting where I am going to be in my journey by January 1, 2022
  • I did another 30 minutes of positive ‘I am’ affirmations.
  • I danced it out and sang (badly) until I couldn’t hear my head over my music and my own voice.
  • I cooked dinner for the family (it was bussin’ or so I hear!)
  • I was able to smile and enjoy the family during dinner.
  • I gave myself a break from being perfect.
  • I am being honest about my struggles.
  • I never gave up and said the c word (can’t) when I knew everything wouldn’t be completed today. I still worked towards meeting the goals I knew I still could achieve today.
  • I am reframing my mind set to say tomorrow is an opportunity to do better than today. I am giving myself grace.
  • I am thankful for my family.
  • I am thankful for my work.
  • I am thankful for the chance to try again.
  • I am thankful for this blog and my ability to express myself freely here.