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Journey to Positivity: Day 5

Just another Manic Monday! I was tired this morning. I can see why I have the bedtime routine. When I don’t follow the bedtime routine I am tired and unmotivated to follow the morning routine the next day. I struggled through a three minute meditation. Thankfully I was still living off my positivity from the last few days and was determined to keep up my good work regardless of the obstacles and the four hours of sleep. Although my late night wasn’t from worrying or stressing or fighting or insomnia. I was definitely enjoying my late night/early morning escapades *wink* and definitely worth breaking my bedtime routine for!

I woke this morning at 6:30am and had to rush through my morning routine because I needed to make the hour long haul to get 2 and take her to treatment. Then I needed to take 1 and 3 to get labs drawn at an outpatient facility that their doctor requested a week ago. Oh and I needed to do a Telehealth therapy session while aimlessly wandering looking for this suite inside the outpatient portion of a major hospital. Plus I still needed to get to drop two of threefold off back home and go into work. Normally I would’ve been rushed, irritable, and mad over the minor inconveniences and my own scheduling snags. Always trying to do more than is feasible. Thankfully this wasn’t the case. I couldn’t get a hold of 2. I was calling and calling at 7:30am to tell her to get up and get ready. I never did reach her, her person, or the dad. I got to the house after 35 minutes of morning traffic and had to knock a few times before finally being heard. 2 came out apologizing for running late and insisted she had gone to bed at a reasonable time and set two alarms, but to no avail. It’s not unusual for 2 to oversleep, need multiple alarms that she sleeps through, or to have her phone on silent. I told her that it was probably not a good idea for us to do sleepovers when she had treatment the following day. We agreed to keep it to Friday and Saturday only. Wow. No yelling or fighting on either side, hmmm treatment must be helping her and I was not about to have my first obstacle send me down the road to negativity that early in the day. “Not today satan!”

2 was 40 minutes late to treatment but she was there and I was ready to tackle the next item on my to do list. Labs. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot at 9am, knowing that was when I needed to be at work, I logged into my telehealth waiting room and got ready to find that lab office and multitask a therapy session. Think again. I couldn’t find the office anywhere and the hospital was eerily quiet and empty of people. I started wondering where I was supposed to be. I decided to drag 1 and 3 back to the parking garage to get my paperwork I had left with the address and telephone number for the facility. I checked it and double checked it. No luck. We went back to the parking garage and I was laughing with my therapist about my challenge and how I was planning to take over the world one positive step at a time. I concluded my session on the “I am a good mom” and “I struggle asking for and accepting help because I need to have control, but then complain about having to do it ALL alone.” Both are true.

After therapy, I was determined to find the damn lab facility. I called the number for the hospital info desk…no answer. I called the lab…no answer. I called another location…no answer. I walked in what felt like 20 circles. Finally I found someone! They moved to another part of the hospital. Super! Now we are getting to the goal! Phew. We get the new address and suite number to the other building on campus. We hop in the car and go park. We go in and find the suite. Yay! We made it. On the door is a sign that says “Closed Monday July 5th in observance of Independence Day” Oh. Ok. Makes sense why I couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone and why the whole outpatient facility was like a ghost town. I didn’t think about it because my office was open and their website nor the Google listing stated any changes to hours for the holiday. I had forced two of threefold to wake up extra early to get ready to go, made them drive to get 2 and take her to treatment and didn’t allow them to eat or drink anything after midnight because they needed to be fasting for the labs! It’s 10am and they haven’t even had water this morning. Geez! Poor kids!

I picked up 1’s boyfriend and dropped the remainder of threefold at home and scurried to work. Now an hour and a half (ish) late. I get in and we are busy. It’s like everyone had the day off and they wanted to do renovations today! One of my newest employees was trying to ask questions over the sound of pallet jacks and customers talking color schemes and a forklift. I told him, as I have told them all, I put notes on every order with approval dates for special orders, any back orders, shipping dates, and any other information I have from our suppliers. He still wasn’t comprehending. He read the note aloud “Approved 6/25 no back orders” I hadn’t received shipping info and didn’t have any information. I had to assume I hadn’t been clear they don’t all send shipping information and the rule of thumb is 2-3 weeks from approval. He wasn’t giving me all the info and I couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear me. Finally, I said “never mind I will do it myself.” The employee sitting at my desk looked at me and said “he is trying.” You know what, he was trying. He didn’t throw up his hands and give up. He didn’t lie and tell the customer on the phone some story. He didn’t pass it over to someone else. He was trying to figure it out but was just forgetting some of the information. I immediately backed up, changed my tone and told him to let the customer know they should have cabinets in another week. We would follow up with the manufacturer tomorrow when they reopened. I was quick to get frustrated, but not quick to teach. That’s not how a manager should approach a learning opportunity. Notated and corrected.

I continued my day. Smiling, laughing joking, selling and being productive. Time flew by and before I knew it I needed to go pick up 2 from treatment. I picked her up and we headed to another work location near her facility that I had agreed to go to in order to pick up some materials for a couple of jobs. On the way we stopped at a convenient store so 2 could get a drink and snack. My card wouldn’t work! I was confused. My account showed money, but my card was declining? We left as I had no cash and I don’t have credit cards because of the divorce. I called my bank and was placed on a 30 minute hold. I got the materials and headed back to my location with 2 in tow. I walked in with the phone still pressed to my ear answering the questions of the banker on the other end of the line. I sat down to clock in and a customer made a bee line to me. “You ordered me the WRONG cabinet! This is bullshit! You have no idea how mad I am!” Well ma’am that’s apparent! *thought not said* I politely asked her what the problem was and she proceeded to loudly exclaim that I ordered the wrong cabinet. She needed a base not a wall and she had already waited weeks. (10 days) for the cabinet. I told her very calmly that I understood her frustration and if she could give me a minute I would see what I could find for her. She was continuing to yell. Her husband came over hushing her (or me?) it wasn’t clear. He looked at me and said “M-where have you been? Whose this?” I explained that I had been in and out the past few weeks for personal issues and that 2 was my daughter. After a very short explanation of my unnecessary whereabouts and 2’s recent hospitalization. They moved away calmly, like requested so I could finish my call. The banker explained that I had made a charge that was “holding funds” because the final purchase receipt wasn’t out of pending and they had put a temporary hold on funds until the purchase was posted. Yay. Ok. What can I do? I moved on to my very irate customer. I made them happy and managed to salvage a bit of their confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, I found out before my return this customer had thrown a huge fit and was yelling and cussing at every employee there. I’m sure she was upset and me getting upset wasn’t going to serve her or I. It’s all about choices or so I am learning. It’s all about thinking before speaking, but not overthinking. It’s a balance.

I got home and 3 who is in the midst of a lot of psychological testing has eaten a BOX of fruit snacks. It’s been a thing recently and something we are working through with her therapist, pediatrician and now a psychologist. I could’ve yelled and screamed, but that’s not making the groceries reappear. Instead we did a project her therapist suggested. Making a box for her to put a few things in so she can know they won’t be eaten before she can get to them. We did that. She decided to paint it. This decision led to a whole other set of issues.

2 is big on boundaries. The oldest kids tend to be. The paint used, that’s 2’s paint. 2 was in the shower and I gave 3 permission to use her paint and paintbrush. Do I wish I hadn’t? Absofuckinglutely. Dysfunctional Mood Disregulation Disorder (DMDD), mixed with Combined Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) make it very hard for 2 to regulate her emotions and sometimes her reactions don’t seem to match the situation as seen by others. She feels things very deeply, is impulsive, brutally honest, and hell knows no fury like 2 when she is upset at you. After she explained how upset she was I tried to be understanding and listen to her complaint with rationality and calmness. I apologized and she was not receptive. Per our intensive therapy I have learned to allow 2 space when she isn’t initially ready to accept and move forward. That’s what I did. She went to dance in the garage and I gave her space. The PPP announced dinner was ready I let her know so we could go to the table and sit. I was hoping some light hearted engagement would help her to move past the blow up over the yellow paint. It was unsuccessful. She refused to eat. She was snapping unnecessarily at everyone who spoke to her. She was glaring and accusatory. She was angry and making sure we all knew why. After dinner she stormed out of the house declaring she needed to walk. I supported that and simply followed behind her at now 10:00 at night speed walking in house shoes. It was a struggle to say the least. I gave her enough distance that if I had to run to her I could but not so much that she felt shadowed, just slightly stalked. Arriving back home she began to settle. I sat with her. Explained that her behavior and reaction I felt was disproportionate to what had happened and asked her for probably the 20th time today “what’s wrong?” There were venom in her words and rage in her eyes. She was beyond angry, she was livid. She began to explain how her boundaries are constantly broken. This led to feeling disconnected to everyone because treatment is taking up a large portion of her time. Then to hurt of not being able to say goodbye to a family member who is dying. There we had it. The roots. She was angry at everyone and she was in a deep amount of pain. She opened up and discussed her problems. I didn’t fight her to do it and yes I became irritated in response to her anger, but I remained as calm as I could and tried to remember that she needed me to remind her I would always be here even when she is going through the shit parts, even when she is pushing me away, even when she is fighting me, even when she screams and yells, hits and kicks and begs me to leave…I won’t. They stuck with me, all three of them are. Until the world blows up…

This song is amazing. It sums it all up for me.

So why did I write this novel tonight? Good question. It wasn’t just so I could recount my day, I promise. There wasn’t anything in particularly meaningful to the onlookers. Nothing really noteworthy, but to me it was a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I overcame MULTIPLE obstacles. I was tested and tempted to go negative from start to finish. From the alarm clock to the now way past phone time and seemingly going to be another short on sleep night, I chose my words and my actions. I chose positivity. This journey, this challenge served me today and I acknowledge it. I am grateful for it. I could’ve had a fight with 2 and started both of our days off shitty. That wouldn’t have turned back the clock and made her get up any earlier. I could’ve been frustrated with the hospital, instead that was one of 1’s positives “we had fun even though we were lost.” I could’ve been mad I wasted my time when it was closed, but that wouldn’t make it open. I could’ve fussed about the employees not listening, but it would more efficient to teach. I could’ve got mad about my card, but it wouldn’t have been posted any sooner. I could’ve gotten pissed about holding, it wouldn’t make them answer the phone. I could’ve argued with that customer, but it would’ve only heightened her irritation. I could’ve screamed at 3, but she couldn’t change it now. I could’ve ignored 2’s obvious need to talk and gotten angry back at her. This would’ve only solidified her disconnection and feelings. We have choices. All day everyday we decide what energy we are going to use. We decide our attitude. We decide what our response will be. We decide to approach every day hurdles with positivity or negativity. It’s amazing how much things change and how at peace you feel when you choose to not allow negative energy in. Today, I discovered that positivity is a tool used to forge the outcome you desire. It is contagious. It does serve those around me. Positivity is giving me an ability to be more focused on the present and more able to face my challenges as they come head on without as much trepidation.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 5

  • Completed meditation
  • Completed journaling
  • Completed scripting
  • Reviewed Goals
  • Completed Positive Affirmations
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos
  • Overcame Negativity
  • Exercised
  • Organized medicine cabinet
  • Asked for help
  • Today I am grateful for this journey
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my threefold
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for strength
  • Today I am grateful for therapy for all
  • Today I am grateful to have help
  • Today I am grateful for today
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Journey to Positivity: Day 4

Day 4 and I am really off to amazing first few days of my journey and my self imposed challenge. I didn’t do everything on schedule last night or today, but I am ok with that. It’s the weekend so we should relax and not be so stuck on a schedule. I really have felt amazing today though. I noticed while driving back home alone, after dropping 2 off for her person’s birthday party, that my head was quiet. It was peaceful. No racing thoughts, no worry or anxiety, no negative self talk, no listing off what I needed to do or accomplish. I was clear headed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. It was an amazing feeling. One that I hope to have often. I’m not even sure how to describe it. As someone with ADD, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD, a quiet mind is a gift that seemingly doesn’t come around often. If I can give myself that gift it would be life-changing and extraordinary.

Working on the vision board!

Last night I went to bed between 12:30-1. I woke up about 2am. I broke my rules and got up and went to the bathroom and got ice cream and went outside. I went back to bed though. I slept until 7ish got up but decided no, I’m going back to bed. I slept until about 10:15am. All and all probably 6.5 hours of sleep. I’ll take it! I wasn’t exactly motivated this morning to do my routine. I even contemplated having Sunday as an “off day” or a mini routine day. Once I got started though I was in it and completed all of my routine and felt great.

It’s been an easy day. A good day. I swept and mopped the kitchen, did some weeding in the flower beds with 3. I’ve stayed positive and energetic. I’ve just been overall calm and relaxed today. I didn’t let myself get overwhelmed by a to do list or fall prey to some worry about tomorrow or next week. I’ve just allowed myself to be present and take everything as it comes. I’ve been really proud of myself these past few days and am looking forward to how this journey continues. I’m sure I will have struggles like day 1 or stress out or some other obstacle to overcome, but I’m learning that half the battle is my attitude towards it.

The night concluded with 3 and I getting ice cream and sweets for 4th of July, Watching fireworks. Pizza and snuggles with the PPP. 2 is spending the night with her person, the first night away from me since getting out of the hospital. 1 is out with her boyfriend at a family cookout. Im trying to make the most of my night by spending time with the PPP and 3. Fireworks got a little triggering for 1 when she got home as it seemed the whole neighborhood was celebrating the 4th with fireworks. Meds, earphones, video games, and kitty snuggles seemed to get her more balanced.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 4

  • Completed meditation
  • Completed weekly goals
  • Scripted my day
  • Positive affirmations completed
  • Reviewed goals
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos
  • Journaled
  • Today I am grateful for peace and calm
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for quality time
  • Today I am grateful for my PPP, my love
  • Today I am grateful for my threefold
  • Today I am grateful for independence
  • Today I am grateful for having everything I want and everything I need
  • Today I am grateful for my journey
  • Today I am grateful for a place to write, this blog, and my journal.
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Journey to Positivity: Day 3

Hello lovely people! I hope you had an amazing day full of love, positivity, and fulfillment! I am awesome. Day three is a complete success. I am rocking this journey and completed committed to surrendering to the process of being positive. Yes, I know it all sounds so cheesy and so incredibly cringy. It is. I am accepting that part of being a perky positivity peddler is that I have to be perky AND positive. Part of being those things is accepting the cheesy and sometimes cringy mantras that set me up for a successful journey. It’s a process!

Today has been just as I scripted it to be with only a few little hurdles. Scripting is the process of laying out exactly what you want each day and how you envision your day, your life, anything and everything to go. It’s setting your intentions for the day. You can speak them or write them. Of course, writing them is the most helpful and effective for me (go figure) but then I also read them aloud when I am finished writing. Scripting has helped me to manifest my day and allowed me to start the day off with the best intentions. It gives me a fresh perspective on what I plan to accomplish, how I feel, and my interactions with the people in my life.

This was my actual scripting from this morning from my personal journal. #personalmusings

Just so I am accountable I did get off the phone by 11:15pm last night. I was in bed by 12:00am. I stayed in bed. I slept for eight (EIGHT) hours. I did wake up several times but not fully, more of the toss and turn. I woke up feeling refreshed and with only a hint of anxiety and negativity in my head. Of course I didn’t give in to it. I simply brushed off the sleepy haze and started my morning as I had intended to do. I have noticed that I am far more anxious in the morning and more prone to having negative thoughts. I’m not sure why other than I have not been a “morning” person as long as I can remember. I’m the type of person that needs to time to fully wake up and begin my day, get my caffeine levels back up and mentally get sorted out before speaking to other people. I am going find some tip or trick to improve this. I woke up about 8:00am with the PPP telling me goodbye as he was leaving for work. With a kiss goodbye and some grumblings about him not sleeping well I began feeling like he might be starting his day off in a not so positive way. I could feel myself ready to match the energy. I decided it would be best to encourage him. In PPP fashion after a few texts that reminded him of how capable he was of overcoming lack of sleep, power outages at work, bad traffic, and just a case of the blahs he began to agree he was not going to let anything keep him down. I patted myself on the back for being encouraging and supportive in a positive way. I know that could’ve gone differently for both of us.

No work for me today! Its Saturday! Ahhh! Yes! The day of rest! A day I can spend some quality time with myself. As much much as I love my threefold and the PPP, I have grown to enjoy having time to myself. Saturday is a day of family, focus, and fun! Not having to meet a deadline or have time restrictions inherits me the opportunity to begin my day with as much work on my journey as I feel warranted. So this morning I spent about 2 hours focusing on my mindset and setting myself up for a positive and wonderful day. I did my make up, made myself cute, and took some pictures to remind myself I am beautiful. I like looking good it makes me feel confident. I took my threefold to the store and I had quite a bit of anxiety. Public places have been known to get me worked up especially when I have the whole crew with me. I fell into it. I could feel my mood shifting and myself allowing the anxiety and negativity settle in. My muscles became tense. My face I’m sure looked like I was mad. I got quiet. My threefold wanted to go into another store. I said they could but decided I needed to skip the next one. I went and sat in the car out front of the store. I turned on a “quick calm” meditation and sat back in my seat and closed my eyes. The crew came back to the car and I turned the music up and sang the whole way home. It helped. When I got home I snuggled up next to the PPP and relaxed for a few minutes. Then I began working on collecting what I wanted to include on my vision board. That improved my mood and vibe quite a bit! I was glad to have found my way out of that funk I was headed for. I had a few moments here and there where I caught myself thinking in a more negative way. Each time I tried to remember that those feelings weren’t serving anyone especially me and I would shake them off an move forward. For this I was proud of myself.


Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 3

  • I woke up at 8(ish) ✅
  • I meditated successfully. ✅ I’ve found breaking up the meditation into smaller chunks helps me to focus and stay more present. Over time I will be able to increase my time. It’s about quality not quantity!
  • I journaled my intentions for the day and scripted what I wanted to manifest for the day. ✅
  • I completed my positive affirmations ✅
  • I watched a few motivational videos today. ✅
  • I looked over my goals for the month and the remainder of the year ✅
  • I blogged today. ✅
  • I began thinking about and researching some new things to try. ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my journey.
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for time alone
  • Today I am grateful for my boss
  • Today I am grateful for my day off
  • Today I am grateful for my focus
  • Today I am grateful for motivation
  • Today I am grateful for my blog
  • Today I am grateful for second chances
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for overcoming negativity
  • Today I am grateful for sleep
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for everything I have
  • Today I am grateful for kitten snuggles
  • Today I am grateful for healing

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Journey to Positivity: Day 2

After my not so great start, day 2 was EXACTLY what I thought this journey would be about! I am much more positive and I am not nearly as drained as I thought I would be at the end of the day. It was overall exactly the day I needed to keep my motivation alive and myself from drowning in failure. I am ready for the days ahead. I am ready for this challenge!

I SLEPT 6 hours straight! No up and down. No interruptions. It was miraculous and restorative. I woke up at 6:30 and didn’t hit the snooze button! (This has been a struggle for me daily for years) Granted I set a 6am alarm that I hit snooze on. That was my way of tricking my mind into thinking I got 30 minutes extra sleep when I didn’t. I spent an hour on setting myself up for success and going through my goals and checking them off one by one. By 7:40 I had already completed most of my daily tasks. I was off to a running start and feeling confident.

I went to work and was ON TIME! I accepted help with getting 2 from treatment. I accepted help from 2 by letting her help me catch up on some of the tasks I don’t do as often as I should. I was able to get completely caught up today on all of my work. Nothing was left for me to do by 5:30 except close up. I was focused. I kept a great attitude and didn’t let anything bother me. I had to make myself relax a few times, but other than that all was good. I was having fun and laughing. I was smiling and helpful. It was amazing! I didn’t even have to shift my thoughts to positive. I stayed there. ALL DAY.

Usually by the time work is finished I have been drained. I actually still had energy to spare today. I was so pumped by my good day that I purchased supplies for the whole family to work on our vision boards. We got posters, magazines, glitter, glue, construction paper, markers, letters, and colored pens. 3 dyed our shower blue with the hair dye that she used today. Even as I was cleaning the shower and the PPP announced that the whole shower needed to be scrubbed thoroughly because of the amount of hair dye on my white tile floor and on the walls I caught myself saying “well we needed to clean the shower anyway!” Yesterday I have no doubt I would’ve had a yelling match with 3 and had her in there scrubbing and I would’ve been b!tching about it the whole time. I would’ve fussed when the 9yo didn’t get it all clean and that I had to clean up her mess. I realized today though that would’ve only led to me becoming more frustrated and negative and made 3 feel pretty bad about herself. I cleaned it and went about the night like nothing had ever happened. It was true after all, I did need to clean that shower. It’s been a hot minute! Hopefully, I continue making conscious effort in my positive actions, reactions, and words. I caught myself getting frustrated with 1. I was frustrated that they were upset about something that didn’t make sense to me. I had to remind myself that they are allowed to have feelings and as the PPP tells me often just because someone feels a certain way doesn’t mean the feeling is based in truth. We have to acknowledge their feelings before we can try to change their perception. Validation is key. I caught myself becoming defensive and quickly stopped myself. There is a reason I keep the PPP around. He is amazingly insightful, positive, and right about many things (don’t tell him I said that!) I am excited to be the one to spread some positivity to the fam. I am an example to them too, and I want it to be a positive example I am setting!

One thing that is a large part of our daily routine is that we sit down and have dinner together. We always sit around the dinner table laugh and joke. We have always done “positives and negatives”. This has been my way of getting everyone (including myself) to see the positive things that happened in our day and also let others know where we may need to improve, what our struggles are, and how we see different things. I’ve grown to love this and I believe it is a great way to get defcon four talking and listening. We cheer for each other and support one another. Tonight we did something a little different we created a “family mission statement”. This was a tool to get us all to participate in recognizing our strengths and weaknesses as a family and setting goals on how to improve and what changes we can make as a whole as well as what we enjoy doing together and what goals we have for the future. 2 was the one that suggested we sit and discuss this as this was an assignment from her therapist. I really think it helped us all see what we expected, liked, disliked, and what we want as a family. Everyone was included and everyone had a say. I highly recommend doing this with your own family, especially if you have kids. I can see how this could be beneficial in all relationships and possibly might want to do one with the PPP as well that is personal and exclusive to us.

I am very proud of my progress today and even as the phone shut down is approaching I am still keeping a positive mindset. I am excited to discuss some goals and plans I have for the coming weeks with the PPP. I am hoping he will be on board or have some ideas of his own to help me be more positive, productive, and to help us as a couple as well as a family. I am super excited to keep this journey going. Thank you blog for keeping me accountable!

Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 2

  • Woke up at 6:30am ✅
  • Completed 15 minutes of morning meditation SUCCESSFULLY ✅
  • Journaled my vision for the day ✅
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos today ✅
  • Completed positive affirmations ✅
  • Scripted how my day would go ✅
  • Reviewed my monthly and yearly goals✅
  • Blogged my journey✅
  • Unfollowed some of my trauma groups as these can be triggering and keep me focused on the past. ✅
  • Purchased supplies to work on vision boards ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for the PPP, my partner, my soulmate, my love.
  • Today I am grateful for this journey.
  • Today I am grateful for the day.
  • Today I am grateful for all that I have
  • Today I am grateful for the motivation to continue
  • Today I am grateful for my career
  • Today I am grateful for this blog
  • Today I am grateful for my ability to help my family
  • Today I am grateful for the therapists who work and support my threefold and help me understand them better
  • Today I am grateful for our family mission statement
  • Today I am grateful for family dinner
  • Today I am grateful for having help
  • Today I am grateful for my ability to choose to live in positivity.
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Meanagers

Original painting by #2 of my threefold.

Am I the only mom that thinks her kids are total a$$holes sometimes? Honestly. I need to know if it’s me being a bad mom to think that or if it’s actually a normal thing that none of us talk about. If it’s the latter, can we please just normalize it already so we can express our feelings. We have to have an outlet. We need some moms in our tribe that think like we do and don’t sit in judgment over everything you say, how you parent or how our little rays of sunshine and hope behave sometimes. I have up to 5 meanagers in my house at any given time and a 9 year old. With 4 girls running around you better believe we have all the drama of a daytime soap opera.

I need to be able to vent to someone out there that the crotch goblins are acting like complete punk a$$ heathens without having to say in the next breath “their my world and I love them so much!” Is that not a given? I mean what other relationship in your life would you allow the b!tching, moaning, complaining, moodiness, blaming, screaming, constant worry and anxiety, berating and tantrum throwing to be displayed and still sit there and validate their feelings and experiences. Consoling them, trying to teach them, love them through it and accept every apology without a second thought. That’s what moms do. They get disrespected and unappreciated on the regular, but they keep giving that unconditional love and forgiveness without hesitation. It’s an unbreakable bond. One minute you could squeeze their sweet cheeks and the next you’re so annoyed you could scream (and sometimes do). The ultimate emotional roller coaster is raising kids. Your feelings and mood can shift in an instant. The confused looks of “what did I do” and the smirks amongst your very serious reprimand can hit the wrong button on a mom and send her into the lecture they don’t want to hear for the hundredth time (probably millionth, truthfully) about being a family, respecting boundaries, doing chores or something else we always preach to the little miracles of our wombs non-listening ears.

So I bet you’re wondering what wonderful thing my meanagers had in store for me for me to say they are acting like a$$holes. In this house it’s 17, 15, 13 and 9 for the girls that live here. We have some add on kids occasionally, the boyfriend of the oldest and the person for my 13 year old. Anyways, with that said the older girls get along beautifully. Unfortunately that leaves the youngest of the defcon 4 bunch as the odd girl out. My meanagers act like everything 3 does is the worst ever. She gets sh!t from all of them. No one except me greets her with hugs when she walks in. No one says “oh did you have fun?” except me. No one asks her to tell them about school or her day or weekend away except me. She gets eye rolls. She gets attitude. She gets the blame for everything. Granted she does a lot of it, but we can buy more soap and food and soda. We can find your shorts and your t-shirt in the mountain of laundry. We can buy paint and clean it up. Should she respect boundaries, absolutely! Do hers get respected, nope. You want her to knock and not go through your things but bam who has whose shorts and t-shirt now? You don’t want her to get your things or go in your room if you aren’t there but whose charger did you just grab and demand the use of because you didn’t want to go upstairs for your own? I’m just saying. You can’t hold a 9 year old to a higher standard than you even hold yourself to. That’s just plain hypocritical. I don’t like anyone talking sh!t about the other people that reside in this home or visit it. It’s a hard limit for me. Everyone deserves the same right to a safe place to call home free of hostility. Everyone should feel loved and comfortable to be themselves. I don’t ask a lot of my kids, but I hate fighting, name calling, physical altercations, and blatant rudeness towards one another.

Now I know that as a meanager no one wants to hang out with the youngest. They aren’t old enough and definitely aren’t “swag” enough (or whatever the replacement word is for cool nowadays). And I get it! She is “annoying” sometimes, mainly because she wants attention FROM them, the big kids. She doesn’t have regard for personal boundaries, but neither did they at 9…or don’t they remember? She makes messes, eats their favorite snacks, steals their clothes, chargers, paint, soap, and whatever else you leave laying out for her idling hands to find. Again all things they did at that age too. She just wants be them, it’s really high praise, but they’ll never see that attention-seeking behavior. She wants be a part of the sisterhood that the others tend to have created between them, but she is unable to express it as well.

It was easier for 1 and 2 growing up. They had each other! 1 and 2 were inseparable from ages 2-10, they played together constantly and 1 would be the boss and make sure 2 was always the student when they played school. Oh the simplicity of the little years! They made their own videos “Two Awesome Sisters” and made up crafts, sang, danced, and told stories. 1 was the only person on the planet who could help when we didn’t understand what 2 was saying. 2 had a sever speech impediment and was sometimes very difficult to communicate with, but 1 could. It was an amazing bond. Like expected their four year age gap ended up separating them once 1 reached a certain age. 1 eventually got “too grown” to play the games, the barbies, the make-believe, and to make videos on YouTube with 2. 2 desperately wanted be a “big kid”. Her older sister started began doing her own thing leaving 2 in the dust of 1’s impending adolescence. It’s natural, that progression. There is no blame or fault in becoming an individual, having friends your own age, and changing interests and hobbies. While 1 was allowed to go about finding her own identity, 2 found a new playmate to entertain her. She could now be the teacher, because she had 3 to fall back on. Yet here we are again in the crossroads of the age gap. With a little short of 3 1/2 years separating 2 from 3 and a whopping 7 1/2 years between 1 and 3, the oldest two rekindled that bond they had several years prior. They are amazingly close and I am so thankful that they don’t fight and fuss like typical teenage girls. They share some similar interests and have many shared experiences. They have reconnected in the most beautiful way. My point is 1 and 2 always had options. 3 isn’t ready for the independence that those pre-teen and teenage years have to offer. She is still very much into make believe and story telling. 3 doesn’t have that younger sibling to fall back on like 2 did. (And this momma’s baby making machine is on permanent disability)! She didn’t get the many years of bonding with her older siblings. She is out of the loop. She is lonely and wants to be a “big kid” but isn’t ready do more than pretend to be one. The picking fights and taking things is very much 3’s way of getting their attention. She is desperately seeking their approval and if she doesn’t have that then she will get their attention one way or another. Positive or negative. Attention is attention.

Sometimes I wish that DEFCON 4 (I am liking that!) could see the forever friendships they will have in each other if they nurture and grow the relationship with one another instead of pushing away. I hate to admit that one day it will just be them. I will not be here forever to help them bridge their gaps. It will be up to them to be there for each other when life is sh!tty and all they want is to quit. 1 will always be the nurturer, the one forced to grow up and help raise those kids while I worked. She is the one that huh them while they cry, tell them everything will be okay and give them a million ways that they are deserving of happiness. They will reach for her first if they need comfort and support. 2 will be the one to give you her opinion and tell you how to change it. She will be the one they go to if they want the truth and not sugar coated lies. She will give them honesty, be their sounding board, and be the voice that offers advice (even if you don’t ask out right!) The one with the tough love, but big love. I’m not quite sure what role 3 will play in the DEFCON 4/threefold dynamic yet. For now, I am seeing she will be the silly one, looking to lighten the mood, the legs go have fun, go shopping, go out to eat, dance it out. She is a ham and loves being out, having fun and loves to shop. She will be the one they call if they want to escape the present and just get out, if they need retail therapy or a night on the town. 3 will be the one they call to make them laugh through the pain and remember life is meant to enjoy. Bonus Kid isn’t mine but I can only hope she will be someone that they can call in the many years ahead. I hope she gives them the favorite parts of her dad. She will be the one to offer endless positivity. She will be the one they call when they need someone to tell them how amazing they are and that things are never as bad as their head tells them. She will be a cheering them on and making them see all the good things life has in store for them. It will be beautiful if they remember that their ties are forever. Their sisters for life. Their each one another’s emotional support person in one way or another. Two Awesome Sisters Squared!