It’s Father’s Day again. Another year you missed being a part of. What’s your excuse? I’m sure it’s my fault, somehow and some way. It always is. I kept them from you, I poisoned them against you, and I asked for a life that means I have to play both parts. In your mind, that’s the picture you paint.
Again, it’s Father’s Day and this year you actually saw all three kids and took them to the park then the mall. I even bought a card for them to sign. It wasn’t much, but I figured they wouldn’t want to see you empty handed. I’m glad they got to spend the day with you. After all, they don’t get to spend much time with you even though they had hoped things would be better and not worse.
I was seething with anger last year, but this Father’s Day, I am just sad for them. I am sad for my threefold who have spent a year begging you to be the dad they hoped for and the one they deserve. Yet, that’s not the father they got.
Instead, they have you as an example of what happens when you flush everything down the toilet, when you lie, cheat, use and steal. They get their father as an example of what happens when you excuse your faults and blame others for your mistakes. It’s truly sad, but it’s a lesson I will hope that they will learn from. A hard one.
You have lost everything. What’s it going to take? I wonder. You’ve stopped trying. First, you lost me, which should’ve just been a stepping stone to figuring out where you wanted to go in life, but it wasn’t. Next the kids, they stopped calling and visiting. Next, your job. Then girlfriend #1, and then all visitation ceased. Later, you lost the one person who loved you and supported you unconditionally. I think that’s what broke you.
Losing your grandmother was the one thing that broke your heart the most. Ever since it’s been another lost job, and another. You lost our old apartment and then your car. Just when you thought it would get better you bought a motorcycle instead of helping with your kids. You lost more visitation and then you lost your mind supposedly.
It didn’t take long for girlfriend #2 to see the manipulation and abuse you had put on those around you. You sold everything worth anything and then lost that too. The motorcycle, the car, the rent free living situation. Now another job. Finally, you’ve hit what I can only assume as rock bottom. You are homeless. You live in your car. You make no money and are barely scraping by day to day.
This Father’s Day is one where the sadness hits a low. I don’t know anymore if you’ll be here next Father’s Day and to even have that thought is sad. It’s true though, I’m not sure how you’ve managed to lose everyone around you, but there are three girls still hoping that you will become the dad they wanted and the dad they deserve. I’m hoping you find some peace in your path. This Father’s Day is here to show you that children give second chances, and third, and hope even when there is little proof that it will change. ☮️❤️😊~M
Today I am 38 {but let’s keep that a secret.} Throughout the years, I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Even though some of the lessons were easier than others, they’ve been lessons worth learning. Honestly, some I’m still learning. Others I have acknowledged but haven’t quite put them into action in my own life. Unfortunately, several lessons I had to learn the hard way. Whatever the case, I felt I should share 39 lessons I’ve learned along the way. {38 plus one to grow on!}
We’ll see if anyone else can relate. Hopefully, if I can save another person from the taking the hard route to learn these lessons or at the least give someone a laugh! You know or just acknowledge to the universe the message is received. Even if not all implemented, I did however, learn the lesson!
39 Lessons I’ve Learned
Waiting on things to go as planned or for you to have your ducks in a row is never going to happen. Just do it. The rest will fall into place.
You can be pissed off or you can be happy. 9 times out of 10 your attitude will determine the result and response.
Positivity is a hell of a lot more attractive than negativity even if the negativity is more relatable.
No one cares. No one. Honestly, if your waiting for anyone to give a shit about your problems, they won’t. After all they have their own problems to deal with.
You can’t make everyone happy. You aren’t pizza. Not everyone wants a slice of what you’re serving!
In addition, no one can make you happy, that’s your responsibility alone.
Asking for help is a hell of a lot easier than stressing out about how you are going to do it solo. What’s the worst that happens? They say no, and you do it alone? Well that’s your plan now, so it won’t hurt to ask.
What happened to you isn’t your fault. Healing it, however, that’s up to you.
You are more critical of yourself than anyone else is. Period.
Pretending to be ok isn’t for everyone around you, but because you don’t want anyone to think you’re weak.
Don’t doubt karma. What goes around comes around. One day you’ll learn that lesson, hopefully NOT the hard way!
At a certain age, make up becomes a requirement instead of an option. A touch of mascara, blush and lip gloss can do wonders.
Sleep is a girl’s best friend, not diamonds.
You can’t take care of everyone and forget to take care of yourself. You are important.
‘Easier said than done’ applies to nearly every situation. However, no one promised it would ever be easy.
Faking anything takes more effort than being authentic. Real talk.
You aren’t born strong. Life forces you to become strong.
Your worth isn’t dependent on someone else’s actions, words or feelings.
Never put dish soap in the dishwasher.
Sure you could DIY the same thing and maybe for less, but let’s be honest you won’t. Buy it and save yourself the trouble.
Being offensive is sometimes a good thing. It means you go against the crowd and have free thought.
You are replaceable in nearly every aspect of your life, but your kids, they will never have another you. Be present.
Keep your head high and your middle finger higher. Haters are everywhere. Do you boo.
True love isn’t two people who get it right. True love is two people who decide to keep working to make it right when everything goes wrong.
You don’t need anyone to rescue you. You’ve got this.
Don’t wait for your dreams to come to you. It’s up to you to chase them!
You will never be the best if you find someone else to compete against constantly. On the other hand, you will always be the best version of you if you compete against yesterday’s version of you everyday.
Life isn’t waiting for you to live it. It’s passing you by. Regret is worse than not trying.
You can do whatever you think you can. Also, You won’t do whatever you think you can’t. Your mind can be your biggest obstacle or your biggest tool.
Your feelings aren’t wrong, ever, you feel what you feel. Don’t allow anyone to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel.
Forgiveness is for you. You have to let go of the past to move forward.
It’s hard. All of it. Every day. There is no get it right guide. It’s fail and fail better. The point is that you get up and keep trying.
Beauty will fade with age. Kindness, on the other hand never loses it’s appeal.
It can be clean or it can be fun, very rarely is it both. This is true in all things.
Work at work. Don’t allow it to define your life or be your identifying characteristic.
Don’t judge. You never know what chapter you are walking into.
Make time for you. Your peace. Your passions. Your soul. Your growth. You’re allowed autonomy and to be your own person.
Don’t test out your gas gage if you aren’t prepared to run out.
You are amazing. You are enough. You are perfectly imperfect. Treat yourself and others how you want them to treat you. You are loved.
This Year
This year, I hope I can give myself the gift of peace. Peace of mind and peace that it is all going to fall into place in good time. I hope that I will find a way forward from the past two years and begin to sail into calmer waters. Although, it’s been a rough year {or decade} I know that it has made me better in many ways. In addition, I know my time is coming. Soon, I will reap the benefits of my efforts and I will find my next chapter is one that I won’t want to stop writing.
Not Just Another Day
I’m not going to pretend that my birthday is ‘just another day.’ It’s not! It’s special. It’s celebrating that I made it through another year. It’s celebrating that I am here. Furthermore, it’s a day that others can show their love to you and appreciation. I deserve that! You deserve that! Birthdays are beautiful expressions of gratitude for your own life, both from you and those you love. So here’s to 38! Stay positive! You’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Today, people of the world, is my daughter’s 14th birthday. The second born of my threefold. Once upon a time this daughter of mine was an emmanese speaking, toddling, blonde haired, blue eyed beauty. She is my little love, my mini me, in nearly every way. Momma’s little M&M. There are so many things I hope my threefold learns on their journey. Today, I hope she celebrates, because it means her story isn’t over yet.
This child that I love with my whole heart, made me wonder for the longest time if she embodied the entire curse of threefold that my mother bestowed on me before she died. After all, Ms. Thing, was the one I was pregnant with when the curse was issued and 53 days after my mother’s death I had this beautiful baby girl, the deuce of my trio. I have realized, that she though challenging and a fierce force is only a piece of my threefold. Yet, very much a key piece, a piece that makes me, me.
The Deuce
My M&M as I’ve called her since before she was born has changed from that little toddling, pint sized, sassy, and bright eyed baby into this amazingly inspiring young woman. Not only has she transformed her style {at least 5 times} but she has transformed in ways that I was once scared I might not see. Today we celebrate that growth, both in maturity and soul .
Just from a year ago, I’ve seen this young child begin to become a young woman. I’ve seen a fighter, a person with fierce determination, and with a heart that loves without limit. In addition, I’ve witnessed her overcome obstacles, stomp stigma surrounding her mental illness and gain a new perspective on the world around us. This has been beautiful to watch.
The Struggle is Real
If you have followed my threefold for a while, then you are familiar with our struggles and battles over the past year. We are stronger than yesterday, but we still have so much to learn. All of us. It hasn’t been an easy road, but nevertheless we are moving forward. Together.
I am truly proud of my threefold for how they have grown over this year. After six hospitalizations for #2 over nearly 30 weeks, year to date, I’d say celebration is called for. I fought for her, but the key in us overcoming these battles is her continual fight for herself.
Celebrate!
Celebrate each day! Every day you have with your family, friends, tribe or network of supporters is another day to celebrate. Be kind. You never know the struggles someone else is facing behind closed doors. Speak up against abuse, it’s not ok in any form. Finally, choose to keep moving forward, because this is just a bump. Somewhere you’ll find the message in the mess! You’ve got this! Stay positive! ☮️❤️😊~M
This post has been floating around the social media scene. I’ve seen it shared many times already. I have posted it in its entirety for you to form your own opinion on the piece and it’s message to the parents of the world. However, it’s my belief that this type of post leans towards conditional love in parenting and how we as adults set unreasonable expectations on kids. No, Mr. Merrell, kids aren’t ‘mini gods’ to be worshipped. However, they are human, and deserve to see their value, be respected and loved.
The Original Post
O/P by Walt Merrell, District Attorney: If you raise your child to believe that they always deserve a trophy; or that they always do a great job; or that they never fall short or do a mediocre or less than job; or that they lost the game because the ump stole the game; or that the failed because someone wronged them; or that they don’t have to go to practice; or that the teacher is always out to get them; or that the coach is always wrong….
Then one day when they have a boss who doesn’t accept their less than eager efforts, then your adult child will be frustrated by the constructive criticism… and then they will steep in their own pride of believing they couldn’t possibly do any better because they are always right or they are always the victim, and that their boss is wrong and just out to get them.
And then they will get fired and never understand that you lied to them far too many times, and to their own detriment.
Children are minds and souls to be taught and molded. They are not mini-gods meant to be worshiped.
Don’t build their future in false beliefs, for it will only result in resentment based on yesterday’s lies. Instead… teach them well. End of O/P
A Different Perspective
If parents are overly critical, whom only show affection to the child when the parent feels the child has ‘earned’ it or ‘deserves’ such positive attention, where does this leave the child? What happens when a child doesn’t feel the unconditional love and acceptance from their parent(s). When a child always feels not quite good enough? If a parent doesn’t express pride for the child doing their best even if it is second best or twenty first? How does it affect the child when a parent can’t make a child feel they have value in this world? Isn’t it the parents’ responsibility to help their children find their strengths versus always notating their weaknesses?
The Other End of the Spectrum
As a result, the likelihood of children who grow into adults who have self confidence, are independent and secure, and able to go after their true passions is hindered substantially. Instead, you have children who become adults who aim to please others. They can grow up to believe they deserve mistreatment, abuse and aren’t worthy of praise, respect, acceptance or love. Furthermore, they have that same negative self talk inside their heads that they heard growing up.
They don’t feel accepted by their peers, colleagues, or partners. These children have grown to believe their family doesn’t even value them. In turn, they don’t feel comfortable being themselves nor do they gain a sense of autonomy in the world. In conclusion, there is a higher chance that these adults will give up all hope of success because they feel they will fail before they start. Therefore, what’s the point of trying? Another path this could take is they will become perfectionists who pursue external validation from others and are discontent with the trajectory of their life. As you can see, it’s not all option ‘a’, ‘b’ or ‘c’. It’s child-specific. It’s a balance of reward and consequence. It’s an ever changing process this parenting game and NO ONE hasthe guidelines or rule book. You can mess your kids up by being hard and strict. Guess what? You can mess them up when you’re parenting style is soft and lenient.
Unreasonable Expectations
I feel as parents we are often holding our children to unreasonably high standards. In most cases, I would say these standards aren’t even attainable by the adults who are setting them. How many times have have you held the bar above your own capabilities and expected your child to jump?
I have done it. I’ve fussed over my child not keeping their room tidy. Yet, my room may be in disarray. In addition, I’ve told my kids a million times to lose the attitude or even to suck it up. In all honesty, I would catch an attitude or get upset over that same situation if I was the one in their shoes. Furthermore, I’ve given my kids hell over a bad grade or performance. Guess what, if I was the one graded on my work each day, ha! I doubt if I would have ‘A’s’ marked on every single assignment.
Failure is part of life. It doesn’t mean we throw up our hands and say ‘to hell with it’ or don’t figure out how to fix it. We do have to teach our kids to be responsible for their actions, but they will fail. It’s inevitable. My goal is to show my kids that failure is only the beginning of the journey, not the end. This is when they need us to help them to embrace the challenge of getting back up.
Kids are Humans Too
To pretend there is some science behind predicting a child will be hyper sensitive to criticism if never criticized is just as plausible as its counterpart. That being said, is it not as plausible that a child is just as likely of becoming hyper sensitive to criticism after being constantly criticized?
Do they always deserve a trophy? NO. Do they always need to have an excuse or a bad guy to blame? NO. We can teach accountability and responsibility. Meanwhile, we need to also teach finding the strengths within oneself with the ability to identify weaknesses. This is how they learn to improve upon both of those aspects of themselves. We teach accountability and acceptance of their shortcomings. It’s equal parts of both praise and constructive criticism.
It Ain’t Easy
Mommin’ ain’t easy! Being a parent is hard! Regardless if you are a mom, dad, step parent, foster parent, adoptive parent etc…it’s a struggle and a lot of hard work. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows with glitter glue embellishments. It’s the hardest job you’ll ever love. In addition, being a parent is probably also the most underpaid and under appreciated blessings you’ll ever curse at times. There isn’t a one size fits all way to get it right when parenting. The emotional and mental needs of a child are just as unique as we are. While physical needs are mostly standardized, the other facets of parenting are much more complex.
They aren’t ‘mini gods’ to be worshipped but they are people who are deserving of love and respect. Teach them to be humble and to hustle, while also teaching confidence and character. No worship required, just respect and positive reinforcement that outweighs the negatives the rest of the world will be shoving in their face.
Teach them right, not well. Teach them they’ve got this, because they’ve got someone who believes in them.
