Posted on Leave a comment

The Writing on the Walls and the Truth Bombs that make them Fall

Photo Credit from #2 words-M

There is this fine line I have found between feeling like someone isn’t understanding or validating your feelings and having a difference of opinion or sharing their perspective of the situation with you. I can only assume that C-PTSD and anxiety are my reasons that I tend to lean towards the side of feeling invalidated and misunderstood. I’m not really sure. It will most likely be a question I will have to ask myself after my reactions to certain situations. Unfortunately, there are times that I react first and continue reacting, and ask the question well after I’ve given an awful triggered reaction Regardless of when I ask, it’s still good to know so I can try to reevaluate my outlook on whatever the situation was.

I have been pretty bad about asking for or even accepting help from others. I don’t like asking because I feel like I’m bothering someone and if they say no…it irritates me even though it shouldn’t. My “live, laugh, love” leader (aka my therapist) tells me that I don’t accept help because when I do I feel out of control. I like to have control of the situation. If I do it I know it’s getting done and getting done the way I would do it. My rules, my playbook. They also said I don’t like accepting help because it allows me to play the victim and use my “busy and stretched too thin” persona as an advantage in other areas. I can use it as a reason I’m in a bad mood, as a way to get out of something else or avoid dealing with something else, or I can simply just feel the need to have attention that comes with being the mom who does everything all by herself and doesn’t need anyone’s help. Then after I’ve decided I’m going to do it myself, I decide to b!tch about how the other person should have forced me to accept the help. Phew! That was a truth bomb I didn’t know was coming. That bomb exploded my way of life. When the next day came around, I immediately reached out to the PPP (aka my partner in crime & life) and asked for help. I also took it. I was proud of my little step towards becoming more comfortable asking for help from those around me.

Last week happened and I fell into this funk. I was understandably (or I thought) upset and working through the separation anxiety from 2 and the complete loss of control. When I was forced to seek help and admit her to a long term facility to help deal with her mental illness. That happened Thursday by Sunday I was not peddled the perky positivity from my PPP as I have grown accustomed to. He was throwing another truth bomb in my lap and forcing me to deal with the explosive aftermath. I was doing exactly the opposite of what 2 asked of me before she left for her long hospital admission -“momma, no crying, stay positive, you can’t let me being gone be your negative everyday. 1 and 3 need you to stay strong. I need you to stay strong.” He quite bluntly told me “Like my mom always said: Sitting on that pity potty isn’t getting you nothing besides a ring around your a$$!” I was livid! How dare him! You are going to look at me and all I have been through these last few weeks and tell me basically to “suck it up buttercup” and move on and be happy? That got a big f-you salute and a lot of name calling about him being an extremely insensitive a$$hole and being a d!ck who couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. I felt he was completely invalidating my pain and not allowing me to work through my feelings. I was RIGHT! HE was WRONG. I believed it to be true and I was ready to fall on that sword and die because I knew I was that right. I fought him for hours and it didn’t get better. The name calling ceased and my anger simmered down, but I was so hurt. This man who has always been right there picking me up if I fell and had stood by me through all the other extreme ups and downs over the past year was all of a sudden saying these mean and cruel things about pity parties, losing my fight, and making it about me. Me! Me? I don’t throw pity parties, I don’t sulk, I don’t give up, and these past six weeks haven’t been close to being all about me!

From my PPP yes we write notes on our bathroom mirror at least weekly.

The more I thought about it the more upset I became. I was shocked. How did the man I love and who had loved me so well without ever giving up on me all of sudden be this hurtful. We’ve fought and I’ve gotten my feelings hurt before, but this fight shook me. It reminded me of my past. It hurt in that deep, raw, cutting way and it made me doubt everything he had ever said to me that was positive. How could he say he loved me one minute and make me feel awful for feeling awful the next? How could one day I be the best person and most amazing woman he had ever known and the next I was a selfish, sulking, pity party throwing woman who he didn’t recognize as the woman he loved. I couldn’t make both things exist so I chose to see and even began to agree with the latter. I began to question if I even should continue our relationship. Should I let my C-PTSD win and the anxiety ravage my mind as I had let it done thousands of times before. Was I even healthy enough to have a relationship? Am I toxic? Could it be possible that I was the narcissist in my past relationships? I didn’t have the answers, and now I didn’t know if I even wanted them. I was scared that I had always been the bad guy, but always just blamed the other party because that’s what toxic and narcissistic people would do. Maybe I would never be capable of being truly happy. I was destined to be a negative, cynical and insecure person. I wasn’t sure how to proceed.I just didn’t think I was going to ever see his side of this argument. I wanted to, but by the time I had reached the point of genuinely seeking to understand the why behind the motive he had shut down and it was only intensifying my feelings of failure and of not meeting the expectations of my family. I slept and prayed to find a way to resolve it.

Then the bomb exploded and it blew up how I had been interpreting that writing on the wall.”

“The Writing on the Walls and the Truth Bombs That Make Them Fall” My Threefold- M

I woke the next day and was still completely unsettled. I felt insecure in every possible way. I was anxious about needing to return to work because even though I knew my boss was understanding and compassionate the PPP had made it seem like I had missed so much that I was in jeopardy of losing the only place I felt completely confident in every aspect. I was anxious about our relationship and still pretty hurt. I found myself still so incredibly upset. Didn’t he see the tired? Didn’t he realize how much pain I was in. He apologized multiple times for how he approached the situation and I apologized for name-calling, pushing away, and being completely unwilling to try and see things from his side of the situation. However, even with my apologies I was unable to reach a solution to solve any of it and desperately felt I needed to prove I was right that I wasn’t a selfish, sulking, pity party throwing baby that had given up all hope. I got stuck in the bad and stuck in my intense need to be right and truly have him validate that feeling without sarcasm or passive aggressive dismissive repetition of the same false narrative and apology. I wanted a genuine apology with remorse and love. I spent that day wondering if I had ignored the writing on the wall that we moved too fast, that he was going to be dismissive of my feelings and my bad days, that maybe we weren’t meant to be together like I had originally thought. I felt like the apology he gave was simply because he didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want to deal with it. That he wasn’t actually sorry and didn’t see any of the things he did that hurt me. As I sat, I was so negative, I was oozing it. I was so exhausted in every single way exhausted. I was so upset. I was so hurt. I was so missing my 2. I just felt like I didn’t have anything good going on at the moment to be positive about. I just wanted to cry and sleep and shut away the world. Then the bomb exploded and it blew up how I had been interpreting that writing on the wall.

As I was wallowing and sinking further into my negative, irrational and catastrophic thoughts, it hit me like the wall that all the writing was on had just fallen on top of me. He was right. I was wrong. Did I just want to type those words? No! This is a real talk moment so I got to speak the truth. Some of you may be calling home the exact same things I did that night, but hear me out, please. Yes, I absolutely had a reason to be upset and was obviously going to have up’s and down’s during the adjustment and the chaos and the exhaustion. I was definitely deserving of allowances and time to come to terms that 2 was going to be away for a long while. I probably will be on an emotional rollercoaster for the duration. The difference in opinion and perspective came in where he saw me living in the bad. If you have read my previous blog posts you would know that the PPP (Perky Positivity Peddler) was known for moving past the negativity and looking for the “silver linings” as he so often refers to them. It’s one of the many reasons I love him so much. He can always flip the situation. Even our fights always end with a reminder that “this situation is only teaching us how we can be better for one another, we are meant to be this is just a speed bump.” I may have been hurt and angry, but one bad night against a forever of happiness was worth it. I decided I had to choose to be happy as he had told me and quit looking for the bad. I needed to be grateful for the good. I needed to put in the effort to be more positive and go back towards my positivity journey even if it got off course. He was right. I was stuck in the bad. I was focused on how I felt not on how anyone else felt, not 1, not 3, not him, not BK, not my family, friends or coworkers. It had started from a general place of worry, pain and sadness for 2’s extended time away, but had evolved into a self centered expression of my own feelings and how this was affecting me, and only me. I was in fact having a selfish sulking pity party. This realization changed my trajectory the remainder of the week.

I know myself enough to know that I can easily kill all of my positivity with my anxiety. I know that my overthinking will allow me to quit and that I’m not getting what I want out a working on a certain thing any longer, especially if it gets difficult or feels like I may fail. I’m quick to start and quickly quit doing anything that inconveniences me, makes me uncomfortable or doesn’t have the desired effect. I know I’m capable, but I can also admit I get lazy, bored, and unmotivated if I feel it’s not working out or producing any results. I fight as long as I can see what I will gain from my efforts. If I can’t envision it or lose focus I will sabotage myself so that I have a reason to quit. Yet another truth bomb. I’m very aware that I’m impatient and that I want what I want when I want it.

There is honestly nothing I love more than a challenge and someone thinking or telling me that I can’t do something, because then I have an intense motivation to prevail. I’m just competitive even if ultimately my competition is myself. I’m just built with a hardcore desire to show my capabilities and can honestly admit I love pushing myself to be better than others at whatever I’m going. Not because I’m stuck up or snobby or holier than thou. It’s because I want to succeed. I like the feeling of being good at things. The PPP knows these things so I’m sure a large part of his “you’re not fighting” approach was to spark that fire in me, not to intentionally or maliciously hurt me. In that moment, I realized he knew me, he knew that I hadn’t been buying any of that positivity peddling, so instead he hit me with truth bombs that forced me to re-evaluate my perspective. He knew all along that sometimes the truth hurts, but he also knew if he could just get me to look at what my threefold was seeing, and face myself in the mirror of truth that would change my direction and reignite the fire I had to be the best version of myself. And yet again he was right.

Posted on 16 Comments

My Child is NOT Attention Seeking. My Child is Seeking Help.

I’ve struggled with how to write this. I’ve struggled with if I should write about it all. I’ve got about four drafts of this same blog saved. Some with more facts, some with more humor, some with more personal antidotes, some with more anger, some with more guilt. Either way I go would be honest to the struggle that my family is currently finding itself in. One of my threefold struggles with a lot of mental illness. She has been diagnosed to date with Bipolar I, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, ADHD-combined type, Complex PTSD, and exhibits self-harm behaviors as a coping mechanism for physical, psychological and sexual trauma and has suicidal ideation with a plan, and attempts. Another of my threefold suffers from Bipolar II, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD-attentive type, and also has Complex PTSD from physical, psychological, and sexual trauma. The youngest has diagnoses of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – Combined Type Severe. Personally, I also suffer from Bipolar II {yep the genetic link is me!} General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD-attentive type, and Complex PTSD from abuse. We are complicated and have lots of feelings and lots of triggers and loads of trauma. We are tough girls. We are strong and we are beautifully broken. This is just the story of our current struggle with mental illnesses.

Photo Credit-#2 of my threefold

I write this to educate you, so in turn you can educate your own children about the signs and symptoms of a mental health crisis. I relate this to your basic “Call 911 in an emergency” That can save someone’s life. Being aware and knowing to speak up when you are worried someone is in crisis can also save a life. To assume someone is “attention seeking” is a grave assumption that could result in life threatening consequences. Whether it’s for attention or a cry for help is NOT a determination you or our children are qualified to make. If you see a post on social media or get a text message or get spoken to directly about self harm or suicide don’t scroll past, don’t encourage their behavior, don’t try to be the hero, SEEK HELP! I ask this for my threefold, for myself and for all people that struggle with mental illness. We aren’t “fine”, we don’t “figure it out ”, regardless of how many times we say “I’m handling it, it was a bad day” or “forget it, I will be ok” or “please don’t say anything to anyone” or “it’s not as bad as it looks” or “I swear I won’t do it again” or “I can’t ask for help because I don’t want to hurt my family.” There are a million different ways we will manipulate, trick, and convince you that it’s manageable and that we don’t need anything else. The truth is we do. When we can’t admit we desperately need help that’s usually when we are at our worst. If there is a doubt, call them out! Why do I say this? This year has been a intense time for the world in general. As a mom who struggles with her own mental illnesses as an adult and seeing my threefold struggle it has been extremely difficult to handle the climate of change in any situation. Add in isolation, virtual school, pandemic mania, divorce, trauma and our combined mental illnesses and you have what is a recipe for possible catastrophe. Yes. I am about to momsplain mental illness. Buckle up, this a long one.

Background photo credit- #2

I am asking that you educate yourself. I am in no way certified, licensed or otherwise qualified to give advice on seeking treatment for mental health or for diagnosing a crisis situation. I am however uniquely informed with personal experience of what mental health crisis looks like in myself and my threefold. I have participated in and sought treatment for myself and my threefold on numerous occasions for minor symptoms to the most severe of clinical presentation. However, I do believe people present differently and encourage you to be in tune with your own personal behaviors in crisis and the actions, expressions, habits and words of those closest to you. I pray that this helps someone out there to recognize the signs and seek whatever level of care is appropriate to get the optimal level of care for yourself, a loved one, or a child.

As I write this very long post about mental health, diagnosis, warning signs, treatment and my personal experiences I am waiting for a phone call. I am waiting for a phone call from the crisis intervention center that is treating my 13 year old daughter for her fore mentioned extremely complicated diagnoses. She is in crisis. I am awaiting to hear from her treatment team about the length of stay initially recommended. I am waiting to hear what their plan is. I am awaiting to hear what I can do other than worry myself into my own crisis and how I can be the best support person on the planet for my kid while simultaneously taking care of my other two girls, working, and managing everything in my life that is spinning faster than the running to do list in my head. I am awaiting to hear where I have went wrong. I am waiting for knowledge that my daughter is ok, she is safe, that she knows that she is loved, and for them to tell me that she is going to get the help she desperately needs. It’s the most helpless and powerless feeling to know that you have signed over your child to be cared for by strangers at the recommendation of a doctor who has only known your child for 6 weeks. My daughter, one of three daughters is in an inpatient residential hospitalization program for at least the next 30 days, but it could be a much longer road. I am putting all of my faith in people that I pray are not just there to check off the I went to work today box and that want to see my child succeed and be healthy. It’s a faith and hopelessness that I wish on no parent. It’s no contact for days, it’s answering the same questions repeatedly, it’s phone calls, missed work, increased anxiety, loss of income, lost sleep and trying to be strong for everyone else around you especially your children. Its stealing away sleep as you cry and try not to let the people you love see you fall apart. It holding everything together with dollar store scotch tape. It’s living on a prayer and that you don’t find your child on a bathroom floor covered in blood ever again. It’s a hard road to recovery but I have to say that if the stigma was less negative and awareness was increased it could be a little less of scary and lonely road. I don’t have people that understand or even those that would attempt to walk this road with me. I have no one to discuss this with that actually gets it. I’m required to face this battle alone, without friends or family nearby to lift me up. I’ve got myself. I’ve got my threefold. I’ve got a good man that watches me struggle and picks up the pieces of my broken heart day in and day out. Who unfortunately regardless of not being their father shows up for them out of love and genuine interest in seeing them succeed and be happy. He allows me to take out my pain on him, he lets me fall apart, he pulls me back from the edge when I feel I might fall into the dark places where my mental illness waits for me. There are no meal trains for mental illness. There are no viral “go fund me” pages for psychiatric care. There are no flowers or “get well soon” cards for those facing mental illness. No one knows what to say to me. It’s not an easy thing to talk about it. I don’t want to expose my daughter’s deepest darkest secrets and struggles. I don’t need or want your pity or your attention. Believe me when I say it’s hard enough to explain it to the people who know her personally, a treatment team, and I don’t have the energy to run through the history for 15th time today and how we got here. It’s rarely met with offers of love and support. It’s judgment and a lot of insensitivity to mental health. If we educate ourselves and our children we could be helping our family and friends recognize the signs of crisis and get help for the people who are struggling before the meal trains and funeral flowers are delivered. That’s a hard truth, but a truth that literally scares me every second of everyday. That my kid could lose this battle against herself. I am determined to keep her alive and safe. I can’t do it on my own so judge me if you must but I am willing to admit I can’t wish upon shooting stars and hope for miracles or pray this away. I have to move the mountains. It’s just me. It’s my job to protect her and regardless of your opinions, that is exactly what I am doing.

Taken from my daughter’s social media. A post I was excluded from along with other family members and any friends that may have been able to help.

I was shocked at the social media posts I found that were targeted to exclude the people that would be able to get help for my daughter, myself included. I was even more shocked to see that these posts were responded to by “friends” of my daughter. These so called “friends” in her social media circle were some I knew, some I didn’t know. They were quick to validate her, tell her “whatever you need, we all deal with pain differently”. They were encouraging her self harm behaviors in some of the responses. I was gutted. These “friends” told her what she could use once the safety plan was enforced that would be normal household items that you and I don’t see as threats. One kid said “if you need an outlet break a pencil sharpener and get the blade. Screws, nails, if you’ve got a garage I bet there are tools in there. I’ve used spiral notebooks and jewelry.” Another told her “are you ever going to actually go through with it? You aren’t getting better, why wait?” And yet another, a friend I knew said “treatment never works, they’ll try to change you and they’ll fail youll end up more f’ed up with more reasons than you had before so why even try” Who are these kids? They’re supposed to be “friends”! Why is it that these kids are ok with my daughter hurting herself or worse. Why is it that not one single child that claims to love and support my daughter once told me or her older sister? Why did they not know that this is serious? How could they not see that having 500 cuts on her leg wasn’t for “attention” but that she didn’t know how to ask for help. She felt safe in the knowledge that these kids wouldn’t “snitch” that she was having thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation. I get that you have to trust your circle, but to me this circle doesn’t value your life or your well-being. If they are encouraging your unhealthy behavior and feeding into your negative self-talk. You have a toxic circle. Then I thought, they don’t know. This is equally as disturbing if true. They think it’s “a game” “a show” “untrue”. They don’t know she is doing these things. She isn’t posting pictures of her bloodied body after she decides enough is enough and that she “can’t deal” anymore. She bears the scars and wears them. Wearing shorts is fine around the house, but in public she has just became comfortable with her healing enough to wear dresses again. They don’t clean the cuts, see the blood in the sheets, see the towels soaked in blood, the scars her body is forced to bear from this pain, and they don’t know that cutting isn’t a scratch for her to “see what it’s like”, it’s more than 500 deep cuts that cause her to lose blood so she gets an intense head rush sensation that forces her body into “fight or flight”. It’s a rush of adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine. It’s an addiction. It’s a disease. What they see is the mania her mind is in after the cuts. She is happy. On top of the world. She is confident. She is fun and loud. She is inappropriate and funny. She is boisterous. She sees her beauty and feels good again. It’s the closest thing she has to what happiness feels like. She is feeling herself. Then within days, is the crash. The darkness swoops back in and takes hold of my sweet baby girl. She becomes lethargic, isolated, emotional, angry, and unable to handle the pain and guilt of her actions. She is in true, deep physical and emotional pain. I had to sit with my thoughts for some time after becoming so angry at her social media, at her posts, at her words, her feelings, and her behavior. I had to remind myself of many, many things. For a very brief moment I thought about all the people who had said “she only does this for attention.” I thought what if they are right? I was floored. What if? Then I thought about her trauma, her descriptions of how she feels. I thought about what a fine line we have between needing validation, support, a semblance of not being alone in this, and what inadvertently asking for help looks like at 13. Maybe she did on some subconscious level seek out the approval of someone. Maybe she purposefully excluded the people she knew would tell someone because she desperately needed someone to tell her it was ok to do this. She needed someone to tell her that her trauma was her problem. She needed someone to feed her with approval so she wouldn’t feel so much like a failure to herself. I remembered her diagnoses and her mood disorder is known for self harm, extreme highs and lows. I kind of wish it was for the attention. That would be maybe easier to treat than the mood disorder. People that are “attention seeking” don’t go to the extremes she does. They don’t actually want to die. They dabble in self harm {no amount is ok} they don’t use it to cope with depression, anxiety, emotional overwhelm or a total lack of emotions. She hates being in treatment. No phone. No electronics. No family. No good food. No caffeine. No friends. No partner. No connection. All she can do there is work on trauma. If it was attention seeking, she wouldn’t be in her 4th program and cry and beg to not go, reasoning with me, bribing me, promising better outcomes when she needs to be admitted. She wouldn’t eventually accept it and choose to work through her issues and try to get better. If it was all for the attention she wouldn’t have major issues that required this level of care. You don’t see the pain. You don’t see the guilt, the shame, or her overwhelming sense of failure when she relapses. You don’t see the extent of the damage. This is the reality of self-harm. This is what it looks like, at least for us. ***TRIGGER WARNING***Skip the following picture if you don’t want to see what self harm entails. If you are in active treatment or in recovery the following image could be disturbing. Please understand it’s not the intention to trigger, it’s only to give a reality check to those who may have a underestimated view of what self harm looks like, especially for us.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

Yes. This is my child. This after clean up, after 24 hours. She is still bleeding from disinfecting wounds in the shower as it reopens the cuts. One of my threefold. It’s edited for privacy and anonymity.
This was never taken with the intention to share, but because it’s a reference picture when doing skin checks. When you have this many cuts it’s hard to identify if there are new ones without an original to look back on where you began and understand the stages of healing.
I only share so others can realize the gravity and reality of the situation. Not intended to shame or trigger, just so we can see how much this problem exists and the extensive damage inflicted.

I don’t want this life for my daughter. I don’t want her to feel so much intense pain and have so much unresolved trauma that she feels this is the only outlet for her very survival and that this is “better than suicide” because at least she is still alive…today. Breathe into it. Look and stare and judge me as a mother and her siblings, our family and her close friends who knew. Blame us, blame her, tell us all the nasty things we tell ourselves each and every day. Don’t blame an illness when this is a behavior issue. Beat it out of her. You should’ve known. You should’ve done more. She needs more help than you can give her. Thank God she is getting some help. My kids would never. You’re supposed to protect her from this. How did you let it get this bad? This is for attention. She is over dramatic. She can’t be in that much pain. You knew she did this? She shouldn’t be allowed to go out in her condition. Go figure it’s always about her. Why do kids feel the need to label themselves? You failed her. She must have issues. My kids can’t have that kind of influence around them. I don’t want my kids to think this is ok or normal. What kind of mother are you? How is this ok? I can’t believe you took those photos. She is definitely a child that needs a good butt whooping and a reality check because it’s never as bad as it seems. Your kids ARE drama. They run that house you don’t. She needs to choose to be happy. Her “breakdowns” are always timed with someone else needing something. She is obviously your problem child. I’m glad my kid doesn’t do THAT. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. She is a liar, she will lie and go to extremes to get you to do what she wants. This isn’t a real problem it’s not a sickness, it’s all about the attention she isn’t getting from it. Youre not the parent you just pay the bills. You made them like this. If it wasn’t for your past they wouldn’t be this way. You put up with her getting abused and didn’t stand up for her. You’ve been emotionally unavailable for her for too long. You’ve been the one making this acceptable by allowing them to get attention because they act out. She doesn’t know REAL abuse. Daddy issues resurfacing again? Give them the space and they will take advantage of it. She is so over dramatic. Social media is the culprit. I will never understand or even try to why she would do this to herself. She is always the victim. She can’t even tell you why. What is the point? You’ve given her the life she said she wanted and bent over backwards and she is doing this. She is disrespectful. She has too much time on her hands. She just wants a label. You’re horrible to expose her like this. You should be ashamed and worried what people will think. Aren’t you worried about people staring? I can’t believe they let you keep your children after that. You are a horrible mother. You’re divorce is the cause. If you are thinking it right now, believe me, I’ve already told myself that a million times. I’ve asked myself the same questions. I’ve told myself the same hurtful things. I’ve been there. I’ve looked at it rationally, irrationally, I’ve made myself the perpetrator in her story, the victim, the one handing her the blade, I’ve honestly questioned if I am the best parent for her. I’m complicit. I’m neglectful. I’m awful. If I haven’t said it to myself then I can almost guarantee that someone has said it to me. I’ve lost friends because I stand up for myself and my threefold. I’ve lost people I never thought would walk away because “they are drama” I’ve been forced to confront parents with their children’s blatant encouraging and caused my daughter’s circle to grow smaller. I’m not blaming anyone. I hold the ultimate amount of mom guilt for how bad this is for my daughter. I will be forever trying to make up for the mistakes and missteps I’ve made in parenting and forever holding myself to higher standards in the future. I won’t stop fighting this fight for my threefold. It’s not ok for them to be blamed when they are sick. It’s not ok and doesn’t serve them or my mental health to take on the amount of blame I do. I will probably never know the exact moment things went wrong. I may never know when I should’ve been more aware, all along I guess. This is why I urge you to talk to your kids. Mental illness isn’t contagious. It’s controversial and complicated. It’s not all in your face all the time, but it’s not hidden as well as we like to think it is. Quit telling my kids and I to just suck it up, push it down, and move on. We’ve been doing that. It makes us worse and doesn’t benefit our mental health. It only benefits your skewed attitude towards what mental illness is. You don’t understand if shoving it down and keeping it in were possible and not detrimental to us then we would’ve continued to do that. Mental illness isn’t a convenient excuse to not fix dinner, go to a social event, or fix our problems. It wasn’t a choice. It’s not a label we gave ourselves. This isn’t Web-MD telling us our various diagnoses. You can’t see the pain and struggle. You don’t wipe their tears. You don’t clean their blood off the floor. You don’t do the skin checks that are humiliating. You haven’t done a safety sweep. You haven’t had to lock everything that could possibly cause harm. You haven’t read the suicide notes. The journal entries of how hard they are trying. You don’t see the intense amount of energy we have to expel to be “okay” or how drained we are by day’s end because we’ve plastered on that mask and it is beginning to slip as the emotional and mental exhaustion sets in. You don’t see the intense need and desire we have to be your version of “normal”. We aim to meet your standards because that’s what is required of us. We rarely have a safe place to let our guard down and we don’t have near enough support. When can we decide it’s ok to not be ok without fear of the judgment that comes with being unable to hold it all together all the time? I’m only one mom. Thery are only three kids. We are a family of millions of others who struggle with mental illness.

You don’t see the intense amount of energy we have to expel to be “okay” or how drained we are by day’s end because we’ve plastered on that mask and it is beginning to slip as the emotional and mental exhaustion sets in. You don’t see the intense need and desire we have to be your version of “normal”.

-mythreefold

If you’re still reading I hope that means you care enough to know what to look for and how to help someone. Please continue reading this next bit of information could possibly get someone the help they need before it’s too late.


What is a MHC? How Can I know? How Can I Help?

The National Alliance of Mental Illness defines a mental health crisis as any situation in which a person’s behavior puts them at risk of hurting themselves or others. A crisis can also mean that an individual is unable to care for themselves or function.

A mental health crisis can take many forms:

  • Self-harm
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Panic attacks
  • Psychosis (loss of reality)
  • Reckless behavior, such as getting in trouble with the law

Recognizing a and symptoms before the onset of crisis and seeking treatment is sometimes not easy. Every person is different, however with children, we as parents know their “normal” baseline attitude, moods, behaviors, and patterns. Unfortunately, sometimes the change is so gradual you don’t begin putting the pieces together until you are in a situation that makes you see the full picture. Other times you can have a sudden onset and a spiraling that seems to have come out of no where. Even if you are proactive and plan your crisis plan with the knowledge of mental illness and red flags for yourself or your child you may not always want to believe you need help or you want to trust that person when they say “I’m ok. It was just a bad day. I’m working on it. I’ll do better.” Go with your gut instinct. It’s better safe than sorry. We’ve heard that saying and said it a million times I’m sure in our lives, but just because it’s overused doesn’t make it less true. I would rather make an emergency session with our therapist or make a phone call to our psychiatrist and get a phone evaluation, a tele-health session, an in person appointment, something to get someone else IN the medical field’s opinion of the current situation. I would rather sit in an acute psychiatric facility waiting room for six hours waiting on an evaluation than to risk the chance that this time could be the time she goes through with it successfully.

Signs can include but are not limited to:
  • Increased isolation
  • Decreased interest in activities including hygiene and self care routines
  • Sudden and ongoing changes in mood
  • Increased anger and irritability, lashing out or having disproportionate reactions to situations, feelings, or physical stimulus.
  • Intense shifts in mood with changes from extreme highs to extreme lows
  • Sleep disruption. This can involve not sleeping enough or sleeping too much.
  • Increased stress from friends, family, relationships, school, work, or other stressors.
  • Sudden change in circumstances resulting in major changes to normal routine such as divorce, relocation, death, global pandemic or trauma.
  • Increased anxiety with or without panic attacks.
  • Obsessive behaviors such as picking skin or nails, scratching, pulling hair, pinching, biting, hitting, or doing other harm to themselves in stressful situations.
  • Self harm
  • Suicidal ideation with or without a plan, with or without attempts.
  • Expressing opinions that they are “worthless” “a burden” “too much” or that “it would be easier”
  • Sudden changes in appetite and weight
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Hallucinations visual or auditory

Did you know according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) 1 in 5 adults struggle with mental illness, 1 in 20 have a major mental illness diagnosis? That rate is 1 in 6 for kids between 6-17 years old who have an treatable mental illness. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death between 11-34 year olds in the United States. Over 90% of those suicides were people who displayed one or more of the symptoms of mental health crisis before committing suicide. Over 45% have an actual mental illness diagnosed that may or may not have been actively being treated for.


How Can You Help?

The first thing you can do is STOP judging mental illness. Stop increasing the negative stigma. Stop believing the untruthful and unsubstantiated snap prejudices about mental illness. Quit judging people for struggling with an invisible illness. Mental illness isn’t a choice. We didn’t label ourselves or decide to be depressed or to have anxiety. We don’t assign symptoms. I promise we aren’t talented enough to fake the symptoms of mood disorders or an anxiety attacks. We didn’t want to be given these struggles. It’s not an excuse. It’s not for attention. It’s not because we don’t want to be happy. It’s not because we are lazy. It’s because we are too scared to accept help or seek treatment because YOU can’t educate yourself. You won’t educate yourself yet you want to dictate how I should handle my diagnoses, my children’s diagnoses? In what way is this ok? Your kid having ADHD and doing a nondairy, gluten free, sugar free, vegan meal plan and supplement ting with vitamins and a low dose non stimulant medication for them to manage their symptoms is ABSOLUTELY your choice. My choice for behavioral therapy combined with medication is my choice. AND THAT’S OK! It doesn’t make you better than me. It doesn’t mean you are more vigilant about treating your child’s diagnosis. It means we parent differently. You are allowed your way and I’m allowed mine. Neither way is harming our kids and neither way affects anyone else’s ability to seek treatment and care for their kid. So it doesn’t matter. Your child might make straight A’s and mine might struggle to pass. That’s ok too. As long as they are doing the their best, then that’s all we can do. No amount of spanking, grounding, restrictions, bribery, or sugar coated fantasies is going to make us better. Please quit acting like it’s a discipline issue. Please stop telling me how to parent a child with mental illness. Please redirect your thoughts and words to a more open minded and accepting view point. It’s getting tiring having to defend my kid to everyone who thinks because their mom’s cousin’s daughter had a psychotic break in 1996 that they can somehow relate their hand me down account of outdated information to what we are currently dealing with. You don’t know unless you know. And even then you aren’t me, your kid is not my kid, your decisions and mine don’t have to match. We have different mental health care teams, resources, and strategies to deal with things. There is no right way. There is only trial and error and more trial until you find the fit for you and your family. It’s ok. We don’t need to argue our perspective we only need to support one another and encourage each other.

Second, you can educate your kids. Please. If a child made another kid promise not to tell anyone that they are cutting themselves to cope with their feelings and explained it in detail about how they had been abused, were scared to cost their family any more money, time or resources getting them help. How they are not going to do it again and just had a rough few days, weeks, months, but they are ok. How they are scared of disappointing their family, scared of having to go to a doctor or hospital, scared of what will happen if their family finds out. If they said “I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. Nothing helps. I’m tired of trying. I’m not sure how much more I can take.” Should the child keep the secret and trust of their friend or tell someone what is happening? Are they more scared their friend will be mad at them or are they more scared that they will lose their friend keeping their secrets? Is your child the friend keeping the secret or is your child the one with the secret? Honestly, chances are that the kid doesn’t know how to react, respond, who to tell, how they can help, or what the consequences will be if they remain quiet. It’s not a fair situation to be put in, but this secret isn’t one to keep quiet about. Please inform your children that it’s extremely important to tell someone. Call their friend’s parent, call their friend’s sibling, tell you so you can take it out of their hands, tell a teacher, coach, counselor, but tell someone. This is one case where it’s perfectly acceptable and necessary for them to be the “snitch”. It sucks having to be that friend and they might get a little bit of push back because their friend is upset, but I promise that hurt would be minuscule in comparison to the hurt and guilt they would feel if their friend hurt themselves or followed through with their suicide plan. It’s not worth risking losing the friend or the trauma endured by the one who kept the secret. Please if you want to help these kids you have to make your kids aware that they should always, always speak up if they know someone who is threatening suicide, self harming or in an abusive or dangerous relationship or situation. It’s not betrayal, it’s because you want your friend to be ok. Please don’t assume your kid is the one who already knows how to handle this situation. Believe me when I say that what we want our kids to be like and how they actually react in these situation are vastly different. Don’t think because your kid knows right from wrong that they can’t be persuaded into keeping secrets for their circle of friends. Don’t think that your kid is going to seek help for someone because it’s the right thing to do. Understand that they are struggling to understand and they are not sure how to handle it. They are scared. Talk to them. It could save a life.

Lastly, I simply think we should all be more aware of the people around us. Especially our kids. As they travel through the many stages of life from infancy to adulthood they change so much. Their style changes, their attitude changes, their interests change, their friends change, and their views change. Notice those things and keep an accounting of what’s pretty much their normal. Any variation from that should be honed in on and if possible have a fact driven explanation as to the change. If there are multiple changes, make sure you are checking in and don’t take “fine” as the cop-out answer that’s acceptable. Be proactive. If you need help, get help. Be the parent that fights for them and advocates for them. Stop holding your kids and mine to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. They are kids. They aren’t perfect. They are as human and flawed as we are. Normalize asking for help. Telling them that you will always be their biggest fan and in their corner regardless of the struggle can give them comfort if they ever do need help. If you’re struggling, please know you’re not alone. If you’re kid is struggling, you’re not alone. I’m struggling, I’m fighting, I’m advocating, and I’m speaking out for all families who struggle with mental illness. Our voices are stronger together and one month of awareness will never be enough time for awareness of the 200 different variations of mental illnesses and disorders that are currently being diagnosed and treated. If you are or someone you love is suffering from mental illness or is in crisis please seek help from a licensed medical professional or facility, call 911, or contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK.

Posted on Leave a comment

Journey to Positivity: Day 5

Just another Manic Monday! I was tired this morning. I can see why I have the bedtime routine. When I don’t follow the bedtime routine I am tired and unmotivated to follow the morning routine the next day. I struggled through a three minute meditation. Thankfully I was still living off my positivity from the last few days and was determined to keep up my good work regardless of the obstacles and the four hours of sleep. Although my late night wasn’t from worrying or stressing or fighting or insomnia. I was definitely enjoying my late night/early morning escapades *wink* and definitely worth breaking my bedtime routine for!

I woke this morning at 6:30am and had to rush through my morning routine because I needed to make the hour long haul to get 2 and take her to treatment. Then I needed to take 1 and 3 to get labs drawn at an outpatient facility that their doctor requested a week ago. Oh and I needed to do a Telehealth therapy session while aimlessly wandering looking for this suite inside the outpatient portion of a major hospital. Plus I still needed to get to drop two of threefold off back home and go into work. Normally I would’ve been rushed, irritable, and mad over the minor inconveniences and my own scheduling snags. Always trying to do more than is feasible. Thankfully this wasn’t the case. I couldn’t get a hold of 2. I was calling and calling at 7:30am to tell her to get up and get ready. I never did reach her, her person, or the dad. I got to the house after 35 minutes of morning traffic and had to knock a few times before finally being heard. 2 came out apologizing for running late and insisted she had gone to bed at a reasonable time and set two alarms, but to no avail. It’s not unusual for 2 to oversleep, need multiple alarms that she sleeps through, or to have her phone on silent. I told her that it was probably not a good idea for us to do sleepovers when she had treatment the following day. We agreed to keep it to Friday and Saturday only. Wow. No yelling or fighting on either side, hmmm treatment must be helping her and I was not about to have my first obstacle send me down the road to negativity that early in the day. “Not today satan!”

2 was 40 minutes late to treatment but she was there and I was ready to tackle the next item on my to do list. Labs. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot at 9am, knowing that was when I needed to be at work, I logged into my telehealth waiting room and got ready to find that lab office and multitask a therapy session. Think again. I couldn’t find the office anywhere and the hospital was eerily quiet and empty of people. I started wondering where I was supposed to be. I decided to drag 1 and 3 back to the parking garage to get my paperwork I had left with the address and telephone number for the facility. I checked it and double checked it. No luck. We went back to the parking garage and I was laughing with my therapist about my challenge and how I was planning to take over the world one positive step at a time. I concluded my session on the “I am a good mom” and “I struggle asking for and accepting help because I need to have control, but then complain about having to do it ALL alone.” Both are true.

After therapy, I was determined to find the damn lab facility. I called the number for the hospital info desk…no answer. I called the lab…no answer. I called another location…no answer. I walked in what felt like 20 circles. Finally I found someone! They moved to another part of the hospital. Super! Now we are getting to the goal! Phew. We get the new address and suite number to the other building on campus. We hop in the car and go park. We go in and find the suite. Yay! We made it. On the door is a sign that says “Closed Monday July 5th in observance of Independence Day” Oh. Ok. Makes sense why I couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone and why the whole outpatient facility was like a ghost town. I didn’t think about it because my office was open and their website nor the Google listing stated any changes to hours for the holiday. I had forced two of threefold to wake up extra early to get ready to go, made them drive to get 2 and take her to treatment and didn’t allow them to eat or drink anything after midnight because they needed to be fasting for the labs! It’s 10am and they haven’t even had water this morning. Geez! Poor kids!

I picked up 1’s boyfriend and dropped the remainder of threefold at home and scurried to work. Now an hour and a half (ish) late. I get in and we are busy. It’s like everyone had the day off and they wanted to do renovations today! One of my newest employees was trying to ask questions over the sound of pallet jacks and customers talking color schemes and a forklift. I told him, as I have told them all, I put notes on every order with approval dates for special orders, any back orders, shipping dates, and any other information I have from our suppliers. He still wasn’t comprehending. He read the note aloud “Approved 6/25 no back orders” I hadn’t received shipping info and didn’t have any information. I had to assume I hadn’t been clear they don’t all send shipping information and the rule of thumb is 2-3 weeks from approval. He wasn’t giving me all the info and I couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear me. Finally, I said “never mind I will do it myself.” The employee sitting at my desk looked at me and said “he is trying.” You know what, he was trying. He didn’t throw up his hands and give up. He didn’t lie and tell the customer on the phone some story. He didn’t pass it over to someone else. He was trying to figure it out but was just forgetting some of the information. I immediately backed up, changed my tone and told him to let the customer know they should have cabinets in another week. We would follow up with the manufacturer tomorrow when they reopened. I was quick to get frustrated, but not quick to teach. That’s not how a manager should approach a learning opportunity. Notated and corrected.

I continued my day. Smiling, laughing joking, selling and being productive. Time flew by and before I knew it I needed to go pick up 2 from treatment. I picked her up and we headed to another work location near her facility that I had agreed to go to in order to pick up some materials for a couple of jobs. On the way we stopped at a convenient store so 2 could get a drink and snack. My card wouldn’t work! I was confused. My account showed money, but my card was declining? We left as I had no cash and I don’t have credit cards because of the divorce. I called my bank and was placed on a 30 minute hold. I got the materials and headed back to my location with 2 in tow. I walked in with the phone still pressed to my ear answering the questions of the banker on the other end of the line. I sat down to clock in and a customer made a bee line to me. “You ordered me the WRONG cabinet! This is bullshit! You have no idea how mad I am!” Well ma’am that’s apparent! *thought not said* I politely asked her what the problem was and she proceeded to loudly exclaim that I ordered the wrong cabinet. She needed a base not a wall and she had already waited weeks. (10 days) for the cabinet. I told her very calmly that I understood her frustration and if she could give me a minute I would see what I could find for her. She was continuing to yell. Her husband came over hushing her (or me?) it wasn’t clear. He looked at me and said “M-where have you been? Whose this?” I explained that I had been in and out the past few weeks for personal issues and that 2 was my daughter. After a very short explanation of my unnecessary whereabouts and 2’s recent hospitalization. They moved away calmly, like requested so I could finish my call. The banker explained that I had made a charge that was “holding funds” because the final purchase receipt wasn’t out of pending and they had put a temporary hold on funds until the purchase was posted. Yay. Ok. What can I do? I moved on to my very irate customer. I made them happy and managed to salvage a bit of their confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, I found out before my return this customer had thrown a huge fit and was yelling and cussing at every employee there. I’m sure she was upset and me getting upset wasn’t going to serve her or I. It’s all about choices or so I am learning. It’s all about thinking before speaking, but not overthinking. It’s a balance.

I got home and 3 who is in the midst of a lot of psychological testing has eaten a BOX of fruit snacks. It’s been a thing recently and something we are working through with her therapist, pediatrician and now a psychologist. I could’ve yelled and screamed, but that’s not making the groceries reappear. Instead we did a project her therapist suggested. Making a box for her to put a few things in so she can know they won’t be eaten before she can get to them. We did that. She decided to paint it. This decision led to a whole other set of issues.

2 is big on boundaries. The oldest kids tend to be. The paint used, that’s 2’s paint. 2 was in the shower and I gave 3 permission to use her paint and paintbrush. Do I wish I hadn’t? Absofuckinglutely. Dysfunctional Mood Disregulation Disorder (DMDD), mixed with Combined Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) make it very hard for 2 to regulate her emotions and sometimes her reactions don’t seem to match the situation as seen by others. She feels things very deeply, is impulsive, brutally honest, and hell knows no fury like 2 when she is upset at you. After she explained how upset she was I tried to be understanding and listen to her complaint with rationality and calmness. I apologized and she was not receptive. Per our intensive therapy I have learned to allow 2 space when she isn’t initially ready to accept and move forward. That’s what I did. She went to dance in the garage and I gave her space. The PPP announced dinner was ready I let her know so we could go to the table and sit. I was hoping some light hearted engagement would help her to move past the blow up over the yellow paint. It was unsuccessful. She refused to eat. She was snapping unnecessarily at everyone who spoke to her. She was glaring and accusatory. She was angry and making sure we all knew why. After dinner she stormed out of the house declaring she needed to walk. I supported that and simply followed behind her at now 10:00 at night speed walking in house shoes. It was a struggle to say the least. I gave her enough distance that if I had to run to her I could but not so much that she felt shadowed, just slightly stalked. Arriving back home she began to settle. I sat with her. Explained that her behavior and reaction I felt was disproportionate to what had happened and asked her for probably the 20th time today “what’s wrong?” There were venom in her words and rage in her eyes. She was beyond angry, she was livid. She began to explain how her boundaries are constantly broken. This led to feeling disconnected to everyone because treatment is taking up a large portion of her time. Then to hurt of not being able to say goodbye to a family member who is dying. There we had it. The roots. She was angry at everyone and she was in a deep amount of pain. She opened up and discussed her problems. I didn’t fight her to do it and yes I became irritated in response to her anger, but I remained as calm as I could and tried to remember that she needed me to remind her I would always be here even when she is going through the shit parts, even when she is pushing me away, even when she is fighting me, even when she screams and yells, hits and kicks and begs me to leave…I won’t. They stuck with me, all three of them are. Until the world blows up…

This song is amazing. It sums it all up for me.

So why did I write this novel tonight? Good question. It wasn’t just so I could recount my day, I promise. There wasn’t anything in particularly meaningful to the onlookers. Nothing really noteworthy, but to me it was a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I overcame MULTIPLE obstacles. I was tested and tempted to go negative from start to finish. From the alarm clock to the now way past phone time and seemingly going to be another short on sleep night, I chose my words and my actions. I chose positivity. This journey, this challenge served me today and I acknowledge it. I am grateful for it. I could’ve had a fight with 2 and started both of our days off shitty. That wouldn’t have turned back the clock and made her get up any earlier. I could’ve been frustrated with the hospital, instead that was one of 1’s positives “we had fun even though we were lost.” I could’ve been mad I wasted my time when it was closed, but that wouldn’t make it open. I could’ve fussed about the employees not listening, but it would more efficient to teach. I could’ve got mad about my card, but it wouldn’t have been posted any sooner. I could’ve gotten pissed about holding, it wouldn’t make them answer the phone. I could’ve argued with that customer, but it would’ve only heightened her irritation. I could’ve screamed at 3, but she couldn’t change it now. I could’ve ignored 2’s obvious need to talk and gotten angry back at her. This would’ve only solidified her disconnection and feelings. We have choices. All day everyday we decide what energy we are going to use. We decide our attitude. We decide what our response will be. We decide to approach every day hurdles with positivity or negativity. It’s amazing how much things change and how at peace you feel when you choose to not allow negative energy in. Today, I discovered that positivity is a tool used to forge the outcome you desire. It is contagious. It does serve those around me. Positivity is giving me an ability to be more focused on the present and more able to face my challenges as they come head on without as much trepidation.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 5

  • Completed meditation
  • Completed journaling
  • Completed scripting
  • Reviewed Goals
  • Completed Positive Affirmations
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos
  • Overcame Negativity
  • Exercised
  • Organized medicine cabinet
  • Asked for help
  • Today I am grateful for this journey
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my threefold
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for strength
  • Today I am grateful for therapy for all
  • Today I am grateful to have help
  • Today I am grateful for today
Posted on Leave a comment

Journey to Positivity: Day 4

Day 4 and I am really off to amazing first few days of my journey and my self imposed challenge. I didn’t do everything on schedule last night or today, but I am ok with that. It’s the weekend so we should relax and not be so stuck on a schedule. I really have felt amazing today though. I noticed while driving back home alone, after dropping 2 off for her person’s birthday party, that my head was quiet. It was peaceful. No racing thoughts, no worry or anxiety, no negative self talk, no listing off what I needed to do or accomplish. I was clear headed. I don’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. It was an amazing feeling. One that I hope to have often. I’m not even sure how to describe it. As someone with ADD, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD, a quiet mind is a gift that seemingly doesn’t come around often. If I can give myself that gift it would be life-changing and extraordinary.

Working on the vision board!

Last night I went to bed between 12:30-1. I woke up about 2am. I broke my rules and got up and went to the bathroom and got ice cream and went outside. I went back to bed though. I slept until 7ish got up but decided no, I’m going back to bed. I slept until about 10:15am. All and all probably 6.5 hours of sleep. I’ll take it! I wasn’t exactly motivated this morning to do my routine. I even contemplated having Sunday as an “off day” or a mini routine day. Once I got started though I was in it and completed all of my routine and felt great.

It’s been an easy day. A good day. I swept and mopped the kitchen, did some weeding in the flower beds with 3. I’ve stayed positive and energetic. I’ve just been overall calm and relaxed today. I didn’t let myself get overwhelmed by a to do list or fall prey to some worry about tomorrow or next week. I’ve just allowed myself to be present and take everything as it comes. I’ve been really proud of myself these past few days and am looking forward to how this journey continues. I’m sure I will have struggles like day 1 or stress out or some other obstacle to overcome, but I’m learning that half the battle is my attitude towards it.

The night concluded with 3 and I getting ice cream and sweets for 4th of July, Watching fireworks. Pizza and snuggles with the PPP. 2 is spending the night with her person, the first night away from me since getting out of the hospital. 1 is out with her boyfriend at a family cookout. Im trying to make the most of my night by spending time with the PPP and 3. Fireworks got a little triggering for 1 when she got home as it seemed the whole neighborhood was celebrating the 4th with fireworks. Meds, earphones, video games, and kitty snuggles seemed to get her more balanced.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List Day 4

  • Completed meditation
  • Completed weekly goals
  • Scripted my day
  • Positive affirmations completed
  • Reviewed goals
  • Listened to multiple motivational videos
  • Journaled
  • Today I am grateful for peace and calm
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for quality time
  • Today I am grateful for my PPP, my love
  • Today I am grateful for my threefold
  • Today I am grateful for independence
  • Today I am grateful for having everything I want and everything I need
  • Today I am grateful for my journey
  • Today I am grateful for a place to write, this blog, and my journal.
Posted on Leave a comment

Journey to Positivity: Day 3

Hello lovely people! I hope you had an amazing day full of love, positivity, and fulfillment! I am awesome. Day three is a complete success. I am rocking this journey and completed committed to surrendering to the process of being positive. Yes, I know it all sounds so cheesy and so incredibly cringy. It is. I am accepting that part of being a perky positivity peddler is that I have to be perky AND positive. Part of being those things is accepting the cheesy and sometimes cringy mantras that set me up for a successful journey. It’s a process!

Today has been just as I scripted it to be with only a few little hurdles. Scripting is the process of laying out exactly what you want each day and how you envision your day, your life, anything and everything to go. It’s setting your intentions for the day. You can speak them or write them. Of course, writing them is the most helpful and effective for me (go figure) but then I also read them aloud when I am finished writing. Scripting has helped me to manifest my day and allowed me to start the day off with the best intentions. It gives me a fresh perspective on what I plan to accomplish, how I feel, and my interactions with the people in my life.

This was my actual scripting from this morning from my personal journal. #personalmusings

Just so I am accountable I did get off the phone by 11:15pm last night. I was in bed by 12:00am. I stayed in bed. I slept for eight (EIGHT) hours. I did wake up several times but not fully, more of the toss and turn. I woke up feeling refreshed and with only a hint of anxiety and negativity in my head. Of course I didn’t give in to it. I simply brushed off the sleepy haze and started my morning as I had intended to do. I have noticed that I am far more anxious in the morning and more prone to having negative thoughts. I’m not sure why other than I have not been a “morning” person as long as I can remember. I’m the type of person that needs to time to fully wake up and begin my day, get my caffeine levels back up and mentally get sorted out before speaking to other people. I am going find some tip or trick to improve this. I woke up about 8:00am with the PPP telling me goodbye as he was leaving for work. With a kiss goodbye and some grumblings about him not sleeping well I began feeling like he might be starting his day off in a not so positive way. I could feel myself ready to match the energy. I decided it would be best to encourage him. In PPP fashion after a few texts that reminded him of how capable he was of overcoming lack of sleep, power outages at work, bad traffic, and just a case of the blahs he began to agree he was not going to let anything keep him down. I patted myself on the back for being encouraging and supportive in a positive way. I know that could’ve gone differently for both of us.

No work for me today! Its Saturday! Ahhh! Yes! The day of rest! A day I can spend some quality time with myself. As much much as I love my threefold and the PPP, I have grown to enjoy having time to myself. Saturday is a day of family, focus, and fun! Not having to meet a deadline or have time restrictions inherits me the opportunity to begin my day with as much work on my journey as I feel warranted. So this morning I spent about 2 hours focusing on my mindset and setting myself up for a positive and wonderful day. I did my make up, made myself cute, and took some pictures to remind myself I am beautiful. I like looking good it makes me feel confident. I took my threefold to the store and I had quite a bit of anxiety. Public places have been known to get me worked up especially when I have the whole crew with me. I fell into it. I could feel my mood shifting and myself allowing the anxiety and negativity settle in. My muscles became tense. My face I’m sure looked like I was mad. I got quiet. My threefold wanted to go into another store. I said they could but decided I needed to skip the next one. I went and sat in the car out front of the store. I turned on a “quick calm” meditation and sat back in my seat and closed my eyes. The crew came back to the car and I turned the music up and sang the whole way home. It helped. When I got home I snuggled up next to the PPP and relaxed for a few minutes. Then I began working on collecting what I wanted to include on my vision board. That improved my mood and vibe quite a bit! I was glad to have found my way out of that funk I was headed for. I had a few moments here and there where I caught myself thinking in a more negative way. Each time I tried to remember that those feelings weren’t serving anyone especially me and I would shake them off an move forward. For this I was proud of myself.


Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 3

  • I woke up at 8(ish) ✅
  • I meditated successfully. ✅ I’ve found breaking up the meditation into smaller chunks helps me to focus and stay more present. Over time I will be able to increase my time. It’s about quality not quantity!
  • I journaled my intentions for the day and scripted what I wanted to manifest for the day. ✅
  • I completed my positive affirmations ✅
  • I watched a few motivational videos today. ✅
  • I looked over my goals for the month and the remainder of the year ✅
  • I blogged today. ✅
  • I began thinking about and researching some new things to try. ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my journey.
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for time alone
  • Today I am grateful for my boss
  • Today I am grateful for my day off
  • Today I am grateful for my focus
  • Today I am grateful for motivation
  • Today I am grateful for my blog
  • Today I am grateful for second chances
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for overcoming negativity
  • Today I am grateful for sleep
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for everything I have
  • Today I am grateful for kitten snuggles
  • Today I am grateful for healing