Happy Christmas Eve! Hope everyone is having an amazing Christmas so far and that you didn’t just get fuzzy socks and a coffee mug with a sarcastic saying on it! Even if you did though, it was well meaning I’m sure {even if not well executed} You might be the parent that sent $20 to school so that little Suzy could buy you something from the Christmas Shop Supporting Vegan Lunch Options. Come Christmas morning you unwrapped a plaque covered in gold foil printed with #1 mom or Best Dad Ever! You’re loved, and you really are #1! Even so maybe that $20 plaque money could’ve been better spent on a Target gift card or anything else. Yet this is when that old saying comes to mind ‘it’s the thought that counts!’ With kids, sometimes, it really is the thought that counts!
My defcon four did pretty damn good this year for mom! With a 17, 15, 13, and 10 year old things get a bit more interesting come Christmas. The handmade coupon books that were never redeemed {actually I think they each owe me a good bit ofwhine free chores!} The homemade Christmas ornaments that are in a box in the closet. The sweet letters about you being their hero. Those precious keepsakes are replaced with material things. Sometimes the material things are coffee cups {even when you don’t drink coffee} or fuzzy socks. Sometimes they are regifted decor from around the house, like what I received for the youngest of the defcon four crew tonight. Still I said thank you and gave her the beaming smile of approval for the thoughtfulness. She tried, and for me that’s what counts! The thought.
I’ve been a wreck for weeks as I scurried through trying to budget for Christmas without a mound of debt I couldn’t pay back and without phoning a family member for a loan. Somehow we managed to manifest some Christmas magic. We didn’t even procrastinate {as much} as we have in the past. The obstacles that were put in front of us were obliterated by our optimism and knowledge that it would work out. I still am sporting my fancy Christmas anxiety that’s reserved only for this time of year. Honestly though, I’ve never been more excited for Christmas as I am this year. I know that everyone got what was on their list, plus a few things.
I kept ‘Anxious Annie’ at bay for the most part {there were a few days where I took the bipolar express straight to mood swing station} and replaced her with inner ‘Resourceful Rhonda’ as I like to call her. Rhonda can scout out a deal like no other! Me and full price, we aren’t friends! If I’m going to buy my daughter half a shirt then so help me I’m paying half price for it! The big things this year which are on trend with every adolescent Christmas list-electronics. My #3 wants a tablet, 2 oldest want new iPads, one fancy laptop and the kitties sleeping in a cat tree! {I had to, sorry not sorry} Being a parent with four kids to appease with over $1000 Christmas wish lists each is a bit of a headache to say the least. I don’t know how we managed to accomplish such a financial hit but somehow it’s happening!
If ‘E’ wasn’t helping me, we wouldn’t have everything we have this year, but between his conjoined financial backing pooled with my own money, my resourcefulness, his good credit, and a bit of Christmas magic we are making this Christmas one for the record books! ‘E’ and I really stepped up this year to give defcon four the Christmas they deserve after this crazy chaotic year!
Now I have to go wrap this shit up! Literally! I have procrastinated this part long enough! I’m truly grateful for the many blessings we have and that we will all be together tomorrow! I hope you all having a very Merry Christmas! Stay Positive! You’ve Got This! ☮️❤️😊🎄~M
I’ve heard about the terrible twos but with my threefold I swear there is something about age 10! No one warned me about the terrible tens! Age 10 in girls is when the hormones start flooding and they are at that age to be too old for barbies but they are too young to claim the independence of the teenage years. It’s like the alarms all sound and they are triggered to be these angry, irrational, emotional little monsters. {ok that’s overdramatic…not really, but maybe} I get it they are trying to find out who they are and what is really going on in the world but it’s not a fun age at all. It’s hell year. It’s hell year for everyone {even my monster} but I think it’s just part of growing up.
When 1 was 10 she was moody and started being super emotional. She was quicker to talk back and never wanted to hear anything I had to say. I thought “we’ll just wait this out, it’s fine.” The more I punished and the more I fought her the more she pushed. She stayed in that sensitive kind of rebellious {she’s always been too scared to be too rebellious or disrespectful} “phase” for a year or two. She had a wild streak at 15, but quickly turned the corner and is an awesome almost adult person at 17. I’m glad she was the first of my threefold, if this were reversed I might have sent them all to boarding school at 9. Just to be safe and not taken my chances.
Two, I wasn’t even prepared for her terrible ten years. I was blindsided by the hate she had for me. I’m not going to lie I didn’t know how to react. She made me feel like I was the worst mother on the planet. I didn’t know what to do. She was pretty mean for a couple of years but then she came back to me. Now that she is 13 I can honestly say I am looking forward to the teenage years because those pre-teen years gave me major anxiety and a lot of mom insecurities. I realized with two this might be a thing. I just wasn’t sure. 2 isn’t all roses and sunshine, but she has really matured and is growing into an independent person who is becoming an awesome young woman.
Now it’s 3’s turn. If the other two gave me gray hair then I guarantee 3 is going to be the one to make all of my hair fall out or have pulling it out. I don’t know if this is the age or the circumstances we are in or both. Probably both, but I am positive that this kid could be the one that makes me lose my mind. Everything I say she argues against. I don’t even know why she feels the need to make everything an argument! She makes messes that she fusses about cleaning up. She has tantrums worse than two year olds. She screams bloody murder when she is mad. She sneaks, hides, lies and doesn’t like anyone saying anything to her. She throws things, hits, kicks and makes everyone upset. She definitely tests all the patience I have in me. It’s almost like she is possessed. Some days she is awesome, but a few days a week it’s like the wrath of 3 is taking over the house. I’m doing my best. I think she has a lot of feelings and change that she doesn’t understand, but I also think it’s the age too. She wants to grow up, but she wants to stay the baby too. I’m hoping over the next year it settles like it did with the other two. I’m crossing my fingers. Pray for me! I’m sure she will be ok, she is a sweet girl and has a lot of curiosity. She is smart and funny. It’s just the age. {I really really hope so anyway!}
I have never been the heavy handed disciplinarian type of mom. I’m pretty easygoing and I go with the flow {or atleast that’s my opinion}. I don’t like yelling, I don’t spank, and I wouldn’t be the one to be cruel. I have rules, but they’re basic and it doesn’t take much to meet the few expectations I do have. Keep your room clean, be mindful of your own messes, be respectful, schoolwork, one chore that benefits the household, keep up with your hygiene habits, be honest, communicate, therapy and take your meds. Okay…maybe that is a lot to ask a ten year old to do. I think it’s pretty straightforward and it’s the same regardless of how old you are. I mean the last two might not be applicable for everyone, but it is in our family! I have at least two out of three that tell me I’m a good mom, so I have that going for me! {get this they even say it when they don’t want something from me!}
Maybe it’s just my kids, but 3/3 seems pretty unlikely. It’s got to be a hormone thing! It’s just got to be. Maybe it’s an ADHD thing? Who knows! I’ve been through this three times now and all I can say is I am so glad my third time will be the last time I have to experience the terrible tens! Someone please tell me if they have any idea what I’m talking about! I think it’s funny I question if this is the kid. The kid that is going to be the one to be the threefold curse it’s clear though, my mom said I would get threefold what I gave to her. They as a whole are my threefold. It was never going to be one of the three. I’m doing my best and honestly I’m pretty sure there is nothing I can do except wait out the terrible tens! ☮️❤️😊~ M
⚠️****Trigger Warning**** ⚠️ ⚠️ Please proceed cautiously . If in recovery this post could be triggering.⚠️ ⚠️Disturbing Images⚠️
#2 sent me this today. Along with an update she wanted me to share with the people who have been praying for her. This is the longest amount of time that she has been without self-harm in the past year. She is progressing. We are all happy she is home and safe. We know this is a long road, but we are moving in a forward direction. ❤️
⚠️****Trigger Warning**** ⚠️ ⚠️ Please proceed cautiously . If in recovery this post could be triggering.⚠️ ⚠️Disturbing Images⚠️
The following was written by #2 in my threefold. She is 13. The past year has been a rollercoaster for her and for all of my threefold as we have fought mental illness. 2 just got home from being inpatient at a psychiatric resindential facility where she has received crisis intervention and trauma therapy 24/7 for 7 weeks. She is progressing while showing amazing courage and strength to move past the illnesses she has been diagnosed with.
The following are the words she is asked me to post as her update:
“If you’ve been reading this for a while then you should know my moms side and what she knows about my situation, i believe for people to really understand adolescents with mental illnesses they should hear the parents perspective and the child’s. So here is my side and understanding. If you don’t already know i’m the second daughter. My mom has talked about me a good amount of time so i guess some of y’all should already know somethings about me. I struggle with, complex post traumatic stress disorder, general anxiety, combined adhd, dmdd- dysfunctional mood disregulation disorder, social anxiety, major depressive disorder, odd- oppositional defiant disorder. In the past year i’ve been to two acute mental hospitals, one php (partial hospitalization), and one residential program. I’ve struggled with self harm on and off for about a year, at first in November of 2020 when i first started self-harming i wouldn’t go deep i was barely cutting skin. In late November early December of that year i got sent to my first facility i discharged from there and temporarily stopped self harming. At first i started self harming because i was overwhelmed my parents were getting a divorce, i was struggling with my sexuality, my school was virtual, i had lost control of what seemed like everything in my life. Me self harming was me taking control. I was abused as a child and the last time i was physically hurt but my abuser was January 2021, though not only was i physically abused i was also mentally and verbally abused which occurred a lot more often. just about my whole life all i knew was pain, which is one of the reason i believe that caused SH (self-harm) to be something i depended on. I’ve been ask why i didn’t immediately ask for help in this situation i did try and seek help. One night i decided it would be better for me to tell someone (other than my older sister she knew i told her in august when i first started) i was staying with my father that week and i struggled to hit i told him that i was self harming to be exact i had cut my hair that day so i tried to form some kind of joke to tell him what i had said was “my hair isn’t the only thing i cut today” it took him a minute to understand but eventually he did . what he told me though still bothers me today (at the time i was mildly suicidal) he had said “wanting to kill yourself is a natural human feeling” so i took that and used it to minimize the situation, eventually though my mom told my therapist at the time and then i was admitted. I relapsed in january this time was the very first time i cut so much you couldn’t see my thigh, i continued to cut through out the span of 2 weeks when my mom found the a blade. She informed my therapist and decided i could stay home. This kept occurring until june it was a cycle i would stop for a while then start again mostly not getting caught but sometimes i would. The week of june 9th i selfharmed before a thearpy session i didn’t have time to clean up the blood on my leg so i threw on some pants and left in the car my mom saw the blood dripping down my leg and drying, she didn’t understand why. I had been out of depression states for months at that point i had a suicide note in my phone i had already made plans and had tried to end my pain, i was tired of trying, i got to the point that i kept everything in inside i was completely numb and was ready to end my battle, self harming was a temporary fix to my numbness and eventually it stopped working i had lost my drug. when i compare SH (self-harm) to drugs it’s because that’s what it was for me my high was being lightheaded SH made me happy i couldn’t go without it, it’s an addiction. once it stopped working i was at the point where i had no reason to live. I got admitted into another hospital and then partial and then residential with no break, though i’m proudly able to say i haven’t selfharmed since june ninth, and i don’t want to or plan on self harming. Though my future is unwritten so i guess we’ll see what happens.” ~2
⚠️****Trigger Warning**** ⚠️ ⚠️ Please proceed cautiously . If in recovery this post could be triggering.⚠️⚠️Disturbing Images⚠️
Planter hiding bits and pieces of her hidden secrets.
In January, I remember how angry I was. I was angry with myself, her father, her sisters, and I felt like I didn’t know what to do. When she was admitted after Thanksgiving, she only had surface wounds. I was terrified. I spoke to her therapist and her father and we all agreed 2 needed to increase therapy and go to her psychiatrist for med changes. I was hopeful. I began checking in often, having others check in when I couldn’t and we immediately implemented the safety plan that we had formulated. I didn’t know, though I hold guilt for not knowing as a mom I felt like I should’ve stopped this or prevented it. After her first hospitalization I became more aware. After this major incident and without me being informed of the abuse I became diligent.
⚠️****Trigger Warning**** ⚠️ ⚠️ Please proceed cautiously . If in recovery this post could be triggering.⚠️. ⚠️Disturbing Images⚠️
****Trigger Warning**** Just two days before admission 6/7/2021. I was only waiting because her therapist scheduled an emergency session so she could see her 6/9. Her therapist was aware of this incident and she did everything she could to keep 2 home.
****Trigger Warning**** The day she was admitted for inpatient acute hospitalization June 9th, 2021.
We had good weeks and then set backs over the next few months. I continued to implement her safety plan hoping if I just kept making sure the access was gone then we would make it through this. Never in a million years did I think that she was going to the extent of breaking kitchen glasses, picture frames, using wire from notebooks, blades from pencil sharpeners or screws out of shelves. That’s when I realized that phone cases hid the blades, plants housed sharp objects, trash bags had been hidden in the attic with bloody towels amidst whatever other trash she was throwing away. This was “addict behavior” in every way. Lies, bribes, empty promises of change that were all intended to be kept, but she just couldn’t follow through, she was deep in the dark place. She was losing hope, but I kept fighting even when she didn’t know how. Even when all I could do is cry and call her team to guide me through how I should handle each instance, I held onto the promise of a better life for my threefold.
I knew that we were headed in two possible directions. 1. Back to inpatient or 2. Her following through to completion. I could handle not seeing her if I knew she would be coming home, but not never again. A couple weeks was nothing against never seeing her again. Well obviously she was admitted, 12 weeks did feel like forever sometimes but I found comfort in knowing if nothing else she’s safe. I realized that diligence and my awareness weren’t going to be good enough and that I had to make the people around her aware too. Furthermore, I found that I had to lead by example. My therapy is important. My medication regimen is a must. My self care routine has to be completed. I learned that there are no perfect days, but our attitude towards life is everything. Most importantly I learned that this will be a long journey, but I can set the example, do my best, and meet my threefold where they are each day. After all a mother’s love is limitless.
Tomorrow 2 starts a new treatment program and we are going to keep working on being the best we can each day and to lean on the people around us in our dark times. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to be not ok. Learn from it, grow from it, and eventually everything will make sense. We were meant to be in this situation, the dark times will help us lead others to the light. We are strong. Every single one of us! We are enough! ☮️❤️😊~M
