Tag: #narcissist

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A Heartbreaking Letter to Santa

Dad is the REAL Grinch

My heart is broken. I am angry and sad. Tonight, my daughter {#3 of my threefold, age 11} wrote her letter to Santa. She admitted she wants a lot for Christmas, but what she wanted most was to be able to see her dad. This shouldn’t be a request, a gift, or even a thought. You would assume that it would be an easy Christmas wish to grant. However, it’s not. This is because her dad, is the real Grinch.

The man she calls dad is not going to see her this Christmas or any of the three daughters that bear his name. It’s sad. It’s sad, because while he lives and breathes and walks this earth each day, he has chosen not to be a dad. The calls are rare, the visits are nonexistent, and the manipulation is heavy. Instead, drugs and toxic cycles of abuse and manipulation are his legacy.

Snapshots of Dad

The man she knows as dad chose drugs over being a parent. He chose his own selfish desires over being a dad. He chose a life that has no place for children and no room for a relationship with them. Its sad. Tragic and heartbreaking. My 11 year old wants a dad that he cannot be for her or her sisters. She compares him to the grinch. Bad on the outside, but deep down he is good. However, no matter how much we struggle even in “recovery” he refuses to be a participant in parenting.

A year ago he had money to spare from his 100k  inheritance and sat unemployed. He smirked as he bought a new motorcycle, drums, camera, phone, computer and the list goes on.He went on vacation and to concerts. He bought drugs and partied regularly. Meanwhile, I struggled to pay our rent and buy Christmas for my threefold.

6 months ago, he had already pawned everything he owned. The one thing he had left was the car that he traded his 2022 Harley in for. That car became his home.
This man who had physically, emotionally and financially abused mythreefold and I called ME for help and because I wanted to be better, I helped. I checked him into rehab. Drove him to the facility and even bought him the things he needed. I housed his belongings and kept his friends updated. I had divorced him, moved on with my life, but still tried for my threefold.

After Rehab, I got him into a sober living facility. A week in and he left. He showed up at my door and demanded his belongings. I told him we were done. I stood strong as he towered over me in my own yard. I called the police and he left.

All of this followed by a week of hell and we were scared as he sat stranded without gas money just a few miles from our home. Finally, he was rescued by a friend and he left town. He had vanished 500 miles away to live with his younger brother on the opposite side of the state.

Wish Ungranted

Months went by and we hadn’t heard from them. Last month, he began communicating with #3, the only one that still has affection for him. The one that still wants to believe his lies and sees hope in his darkness. The one that sees the good inside the grinch. I wish I could fix the bad, but I can’t. Mom is not made of magic.

Now, this. A letter to Santa. After 28 weeks of combined trauma care and crisis intervention for my youngest two daughters. I work my life away to provide the life we have. Up to 50 hours per week, side hustles, and resourcefulness. I don’t receive financial support from the government, nor do i get support from him. This is my hard work, blood, sweat and tears. Its that of the man that stepped up. This is 50k in medical debt, scrounging for grocery and bill money, a vehicle with a blown engine and prayers for a Christmas miracle that includes gifts under our tree. This. A gift I can’t give. The Christmas wish I won’t be granting. Although she understands, she doesn’t see how much I want to give her the dad she needs him to be, not the grinch he chose to be.

Per the request of readers & followers of My Threefold donations for My Threefold can be made via cash app $mythreefold or venmo @my3threefold. ☮️❤️😊~M

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To the Man my Children Call ‘Dad’

It’s Father’s Day again. Another year you missed being a part of. What’s your excuse? I’m sure it’s my fault, somehow and some way. It always is. I kept them from you, I poisoned them against you, and I asked for a life that means I have to play both parts. In your mind, that’s the picture you paint.

Again, it’s Father’s Day and this year you actually saw all three kids and took them to the park then the mall. I even bought a card for them to sign. It wasn’t much, but I figured they wouldn’t want to see you empty handed. I’m glad they got to spend the day with you. After all, they don’t get to spend much time with you even though they had hoped things would be better and not worse.

I was seething with anger last year, but this Father’s Day, I am just sad for them. I am sad for my threefold who have spent a year begging you to be the dad they hoped for and the one they deserve. Yet, that’s not the father they got.

Instead, they have you as an example of what happens when you flush everything down the toilet, when you lie, cheat, use and steal. They get their father as an example of what happens when you excuse your faults and blame others for your mistakes. It’s truly sad, but it’s a lesson I will hope that they will learn from. A hard one.

You have lost everything. What’s it going to take? I wonder. You’ve stopped trying. First, you lost me, which should’ve just been a stepping stone to figuring out where you wanted to go in life, but it wasn’t. Next the kids, they stopped calling and visiting. Next, your job. Then girlfriend #1, and then all visitation ceased. Later, you lost the one person who loved you and supported you unconditionally. I think that’s what broke you.

Losing your grandmother was the one thing that broke your heart the most. Ever since it’s been another lost job, and another. You lost our old apartment and then your car. Just when you thought it would get better you bought a motorcycle instead of helping with your kids. You lost more visitation and then you lost your mind supposedly.

It didn’t take long for girlfriend #2 to see the manipulation and abuse you had put on those around you. You sold everything worth anything and then lost that too. The motorcycle, the car, the rent free living situation. Now another job. Finally, you’ve hit what I can only assume as rock bottom. You are homeless. You live in your car. You make no money and are barely scraping by day to day.

This Father’s Day is one where the sadness hits a low. I don’t know anymore if you’ll be here next Father’s Day and to even have that thought is sad. It’s true though, I’m not sure how you’ve managed to lose everyone around you, but there are three girls still hoping that you will become the dad they wanted and the dad they deserve. I’m hoping you find some peace in your path. This Father’s Day is here to show you that children give second chances, and third, and hope even when there is little proof that it will change. ☮️❤️😊~M

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11 Ways to Spot a Narcissist

love you

Can you spot a narcissist? I didn’t even know what a narcissist was prior to two years ago. Sitting in a therapist’s office after my {then} husband had screamed at me and refused to continue counseling after our separation. Completely embarrassed, but I was over it and had lost all hope or emotion tied to the After fifteen years he knew all the things to say to hurt me the most. I was afraid, beaten down, and was broken. The therapist looked at me and said ‘I am positive that he is a narcissist.’ I’m pretty sure I looked at her confused, but didn’t ask any questions. I thought it was just an insult and not a diagnosis.  

Don’t Marry a Narcissist 

I remember typing the word ‘narcissist’ into the google search bar and thinking I knew what would pop up. Egotistical. That was my only knowledge of narcissism at that point in time. Since then I have become all too familiar with the term, the disorder, it’s use {and misuse}, and the affects it has on the relationships surrounding the narcissist.

I was married to a narcissist and there was the evidence written in every article I read. Still I wanted to reason with those facts and I wanted to see something that didn’t make me feel like my entire life was a lie. I needed comfort, but I wasn’t finding it. All I was  finding were more reasons to make sure I never allowed the prior 15 years to become reality again.

No way was I staying with this man. I was never going back to him. One major piece of advice – Don’t marry a narcissist. Save yourself. Save your family. IF you did marry a narcissist, then see the tips I have on divorcing a narcissist. 

 

The Narcissist Defined

A narcissist is defined by the Merriam Webster Dictionary as someone who has an excess interest in or admiration of themselves. There are different types of narcissists. Those types include covert, malignant, communal, and antagonistic. There are many red flags and a toxic cycle of abuse that the narcissist tends to exhibit. However, just like anything it’s not a one size fits all definition.

It is widely agreed upon that the term narcissist is thrown around these days and overused. Every person who does you dirty isn’t a narcissist. Everyone, however, does possess narcissistic qualities. Everyone. There is a difference between exhibiting a healthy amount of narcissism, having narcissistic traits that are deemed toxic, and having narcissistic personality disorder.

 

11 Red Flags that a Narcissist is Known to Possess

  1. Superiority: will feel like they are right always. It’s black or white and there is no room for gray areas. They feel they are better than everyone and the best at everything. this isn’t just typical cocky behavior this is on the extreme side of confidence.
  2. Entitlement: feels like they are owed something always. It could be financial, respect, authority, control or favor. Whatever they want they feel it should be given without hesitation, whether they’ve earned it or deserve it.
  3. Fantisizes about Power: will often be preoccupied with fantasies of their ‘ideal’ life. This is far and beyond the ‘if you win the lottery’ scenario we all think about at one time or another. This is the further almost obsessive preoccupation with fame, fortune, beauty, and power.
  4. Special: they are special and uniquely made and that only those around them that are as special will be able to recognize their uniqueness.
  5. Attention Seeking: constantly craving attention. They need attention to thrive. It can be positive or negative attention, but they need the focus on them to feel in control. This is the life force they get from their supply.
  6. Absence of Empathy: does not relate to the emotions of others. Their feelings are the only driving force in their lives. They seek to feel good and avoid the bad, if you are looking to make the narcissist understand your perspective you will never succeed.
  7. Envy: either extremely envious of those around them or believes everyone is envious of them.
  8. Manipulative: will gaslight those closest to them to make those people comply to their wishes. They manipulate situations, arguments, circumstances in order to receive their desired outcome.
  9. Defensiveness: extremely defensive and lacks the ability to accept criticism even when constructive. They automatically ‘right fight’ and try to spin the situation. Don’t wait around for an apology, and if it’s given it’s not sincere and usually has a ‘but’ attached to it.
  10. No Accountability: they have a reason for everything and someone or something to blame. Admitting fault is admitting failure. They will hold everyone around them accountable for their actions and behaviors, but always have an excuse ready to go when needed.
  11. Passive Aggressive: sarcasm and backhanded remarks are the language best tied to a narcissist. They make their feelings known with their remarks and typically back those up with the ‘I was joking, can’t you take a joke’ or claims of your over sensitive nature.

When you realize that a narcissist is in your life it’s hard to see the red flags that were constantly being painted green.  Behind the pretty scenery of smiling pictures and the pretty words is where the ugly truth of our abuse was hidden. Looking back it was all so clear, but in those moments I had every excuse he had every given, every lie he had ever told, and every bit of the blame for the misery of our lives.

The Narcissist’s Toxic Cycle:

If you are exposed to a narcissist for a long period of time you will most likely see a pattern of toxic behavior over the course of the relationship. It’s repetitive like a bad song on repeat. There are defining characteristics of this toxic cycle. The goal is to control the victim so that the narcissist feels powerful and superior. They completely control their victim and the narrative with a few tactics.

  1. Love Bombing or Idealization: in this stage the narcissist is hooking you into their game. They will move quickly, claim ‘love at first sight’ and spoil you. They know all the right things to say and may even pretend to be interested in what you have to say. They are attempting to make you feel connected, attached and gain your trust. They need you to see the good in them and believe they want the same things you do. They will serve you empty promises that never hold weight.
  2. Degradation and Devaluation: the narcissist begins to target their victim by gaslighting, inflicting psychological and verbal abuse, and withholding intimacy. This stage comes on suddenly and usually unexpectedly. A narcisisst will blam their victim for all their problems and begin to make them have a distorted self image. This stage involves extreme manipulation and is the stage where physical abuse can be used to reinforce control. 
  3. Discard: during this stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle the narcissist dispose of you. They will turn cold. A narcissist will try hurting you intentionally with any information they have to do so. They will call it quits and tell you they no longer want to tolerate your behavior and abuse. They will label you “crazy”, “psycho”, “controlling”, or “abusive” in order to make you feel at fault for the problems in the relationship. 
  4. Hoover: You know the Hoover Vaccuum Cleaner? Thats where this term comes from. You think you’ve been completely discarded after stage 3 of the cycle. YOU ARE WRONG. The narcissist will attempt to hoover and suck you back into the toxic cycle. The narcissist will apologize, they lie,  manipulate and wear you down to get you back. You provide that life force they need to survive. Without this cycle they cannot function. They need someone {anyone} to give them the attention, the sense of power and control, and the admiration they feel they deserve. 

The Affects of Narcisstic Abuse

As someone who has suffered from narcissitic abuse and seen my threefold suffer through the aftermath of that abuse. I am going to share the affects this abuse has had on my threefold and I. As an adult, you would think I would be less susceptible to falling victim to the abuse cycle.

The affects after abuse, especially psychological, are long term. I question everything now. I don’t trust my feelings or my instincts. This has caused me to become more defensive, because I have an intense fear that I am going to suffer from that abuse again. Imagine always being on high alert, and reactive. There is a constant feeling of insecurity, overwhelm, anxienty. It’s like being on edge constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My world is all bass ackwards, and its flipped on it’s end. It is harder to believe in myself, to trust certain situations, trust people. I am paranoid, fearful, and accusatory. When I first left, I thought everyone was against me. I was scared anything I said or did would go back to him. This left me questioning my threefold, my family, my friends, and doubted anyone that pursued me. I felt crazy. Quickly, I learned that it was normal to question everything. It was even normal to ask myself if I was bad guy or the real the narcissist.  For a time, I was sympathetic towards my ex husband and believed it was only that he was hurting and projecting that hurt onto me when the abuse continued even after I left him. 

 

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

My threefold and I suffer from a trauma disorder as a result of the abuse we endured over those 15 years. Healing is an ongoing process and it’s not easy. Hard work is required to recover after trauma. If you are thinking how bad it sucks that even though you were the abused, you now have to put effort into your healing too, you’re right. It sucks and isn’t fair. It is worth it though. I am not healed completely and neither is my threefold, but I see our progress even when no one else does. I know how far we have come. I wish nothing more than to have a magic wand that could take the pain away from my threefold. I’d be lying if I said I have never wished that pain on my ex.

The truth is, he is in pain. He is worse off than we are in many ways. He may be the abuser, a total narcissist and complete pain in the ass, but he will never know any other life than this toxic cycle. He is destined to be in that cycle forever. He will never be able to know love in it’s true form. Narcissists rarely see fault in their actions or in their behavior. Therefore he won’t ever be likely to get help for these things and if he does it will merely be a show.  This in a weird way brings me comfort and makes me sad for the narcissist. I get comfort knowing that the internal pain he struggles with will never subside and it’s sad to me that other people will get caught up in that cycle with him. I’m just so grateful that we got out. 

I stood up for my abuser throughout my relationship with him of 15 years. After leaving him, I still stood up for him. I watched my threefold, my girls, struggle with the longterm affects of their abuse. Even so, I still tried to bridge a relationship for them with their father. It took me nearly a year to see that I was causing them more harm. They needed me to be on their side. Especially since I hadn’t been for all the years before. They were suffering from all the same issues, but they didn’t understand the complexities of it. We have come a long way from where we were. Unfortunately, cutting off the father of your children is not easily accomplished. Cutting off your father as a child is even more difficult. 

Get Help

The good parts that the victim sees are the lie, the monster the narcissist became during the other stages, that is the truth. It’s hard to see that when you are in the cycle. This cycle is never ending, until they find a new supply to feed off of, or until the victim finally escapes the abuse and breaks the cycle. Unfortunately, the abuse of a narcissist will never cease unless the victim cuts off the narcissist completely. Otherwise, the abuse just changes. 

If you or someone you know is being abused seek help. Escaping the abuse initially and the healing process you must go through is extremely complex. Seeking support, therapy, and being patient with yourself is paramount to finding the path forward. You are not responsible for what broke you, but it is ultimately your responsibility to heal the broken parts of you. Its hard to accept, but you will never change the narcissist, but you can change yourself and what you will tolerate. It’s ok to walk away, to save yourself, and to save your children. Set boundaries and remain firm with those boundaries.  Believe me when I say allowing the continuation of the cycle of abuse will only cause more harm. Be the change you need. Be the person your kids need you to be for them. Stay Positive. We’ve got this! You’ve got this! ♥~M

narcissist

 

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Tending to the Toxic Ties

Can we discuss how hard it is to try and be the “bigger person”? I’m exhausted by it. I don’t want to mind my p’s and q’s all the time in fear of rocking the boat. Sometimes I’m ready to turn the whole damn thing over and sink that ship! I have to remind myself repeatedly that sinking someone else’s ship will most likely mean I’m going to destroy mine too. How do we overcome the idea of “rising above” and steer our ship without it being under fire by those around us?

Some would say that’s an easy task. They say we should just eliminate the people we are constantly having to walk on eggshells for. If you don’t want to be a doormat and have other’s take advantage, don’t invite them to your front door. This is an obvious solution. You cut them off and move on with your life. Wipe your hands clean. Done and done. k. Thanks, byeeeee! What do we do when it’s not that easy and the toxic tie can’t be cut?

Ok, time to cut the metaphorical bullshit and get to the point past the ships and the shells. There are plenty of times we want nothing more than to not have to deal with someone, but we have no other choice. Maybe it’s a boss, a colleague, a PTO president, a family member, an ex, or a customer. Whoever the toxic ties are in our lives, the chances we can cut off those ties without major consequences to ourselves is highly unlikely. How do we handle these people without feeling like we are just pushovers?

My personal toxic tie will be the cliche example to give, but also one of the most complicated of the listed examples given. The ex. Some exes are not even a blip in our day to day life. Mine, made himself a damn fixture. My threefold requires me to have a piece of my life {my biggest piece} entangled with his life. I still have to hold to that ‘bigger person’ standard against a man who is over a foot taller than me and at least twice my size overall.

Sometimes he is intolerable and he seems to make everything more difficult than it has to be. My stress level is only amplified when I am forced to be around or interact with him for any amount of time. Whether it be a text, phone call, pick up or drop off, he is always triggering my fight or flight response.

My number one piece of advice that I would tell anyone that is in a situation like mine, or has any toxic tie-in that can’t be cut, would be to stand firm in your truth. If you know that your truth is yours and truly believe it, stand behind it. They will lie, manipulate and bully you. Stay firm in your truth anyways. They will never come to see your side of things. There will always be another excuse or reason that it happened. Even when the proof is on your side the toxic tie will find any excuse and come up with lies to try and debunk your truth. Stand firm anyway. Don’t trust them.

My second piece of advice would be to create and maintain boundaries. If you give an inch, they take an acre. Don’t budge on your boundaries. You decided it was important to set them for a reason. Back them up with your truth and your why. Anytime the toxic tie attempts to push them simply reaffirm those boundaries and your reason for creating them. These boundaries will be your strength and your armor that protects your truth. Do not give them the opportunity to kink your armor. Don’t let your guard down.

Finally, I would say limit contact as much as possible. Become the most uninteresting and uninterested person you can conjure up. The shorter and blander the response the better. The toxic tie will try to bait you and trigger your reaction. They will try to pull you into their toxic circle and your reaction feeds their desire to see if they can get you to come down to their level. It’s a trap. The toxic tie is a master manipulator. They will twist everything and deflect as much as they can. They refuse to be accountable. Don’t give them the satisfaction of your reaction. Respond thoughtfully, don’t react emotionally.

It’s important to note that ANY information you divulge will be used against you. ANY cards you play at any moment they will find a way to manipulate to fit their own narrative. They intend to cover their ass and attempt to shatter that truth card you let loose. It is tempting to tell them you’ve caught them red handed, but in true toxic form they will twist the truth to make it seem as if they have a logical explanation for your assumed indiscretion. Wait until the deck is stacked in your favor and they are forced to be accountable. That’s when you’ll see the real truth. When you can call their bluff and expose the lies beneath without giving them time to cover their ass.

As an add on to your communication I would say any form of text or email communication is better than in person or phone conversations with the toxic tie in. If you are forced to be in the same vicinity, stay away and stay quiet. Don’t engage with them beyond the expected civil formalities. It is always harder to maintain a calm composure when you are forced to immediately respond. With text and email you can form your response, reread it, and edit it if necessary all before pressing send. Remember to respond as if you are uninterested and if elaborate details are required then try to keep it very brief. Don’t react in response to attacks.

Personally I silence my exes notifications. That way if he is on a tear and wanting to fight I don’t have to hear the notification every couple of minutes. It honestly made such a difference in my ability to keep my energy clear of his negative and toxic behavior and words. He can wait until I have time to answer. He is no longer on my priority list. My exception is only my children are in his care.

When all else fails, remember why you are dealing with this behavior at all. If it’s like me,where children are involved or your livelihood is at stake, then find your best ways to cope and keep the distance as much as possible. If it’s for a futile reason, weigh your pro’s and con’s. Is it worth your mental health and energy being affected? If so,try my steps. If not, cut the toxic tie and live a better life. As always, stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M