Tag: #newyear

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Trying to Bring the House Down.

If you want to know what it’s like to have ADHD as an adult. Here it is in all of it’s glory! You are so scatterbrained and unfocused. You don’t just lose track of time. You don’t just forget your keys in your room. It’s not just forgetting a drink before you leave. It’s not searching for hours for a key that you are the only person that has a copy of it. It’s not just locking your purse and everything in the truck. It’s next level scattered and unfocused. Stress only intensifies the scatter. That’s what January has been like for me.

One of my scattered mornings where I was rushing too much to stop and check my pockets, I locked my keys in my bedroom. Easy problem to solve right? Nope! My bedroom door can’t be picked with a skeleton key or simply unlocked with a credit card. My bedroom has a keyed lock that we installed to keep my ankle biters from creeping in and stealing our stuff. I couldn’t call the other person who had a key, because my purse was in my truck with my phone, which was also locked. My keys were behind that door and I was late for work. What was I to do? Well I probably could’ve done something else, but I did the first thing I could think of…I kicked the door in. I’m bad ass, but also have no time management skills in my possession.

A few weeks later I couldn’t find the key to the danger drawer. This is not a good situation. All my sanity and that of my threefold is locked in the danger drawer. I looked EVERYWHERE for that small key. My robe, nope. The sherage (my garage), not there. My traveling trash can (my truck), not there either! I cleaned my purse three times and checked all seventeen of its hidden pockets and emptied that black hole, still nothing. My jeans, the laundry basket, the kitchen, under the bed…no. I searched high and low. I even dug in my garbage, just to make sure. No dice. So ‘E’ had to drill out the lock and render the danger drawer unsecured. The next day it was found in my hoodie pocket that I had worn two nights before.

Probably the most dangerous conclusions of my absent mindedness came when I was pulling out of my driveway. I had realized as I was backing out that I didn’t have a coke for my afternoon caffeine kick. Much needed and very important piece of my life for full functionality. Well. What had happened was…I pulled back in the driveway and ran into the garage to grab a coke out of my outside refrigerator. I heard a crash. I came back around the front and realized I didn’t put my truck into PARK! It was rolling into my closed garage. Shiiiittt! Thankfully, my maintenance on my vehicle is pretty much nonexistent. So my alignment isn’t quite right. My Ruby {yes she has a name} took a slight left. And hit the three trash cans in front of the garage before coming to a stop at the wall. No harm. No injuries. Just some spilled trash and a lot of feelings of embarrassment at my brain malfunction. I got the coke though!

When I say all three of these events happened within weeks of each other, I’m not kidding. I have kicked off the new year and also a door in. I lost my key in a sweatshirt. I did not do this month right. I crashed and am crossing my fingers, toes, and legs {because I’m a damn lady!} that I don’t burn too. I am going to have to slow the hell down! My house can’t take the beating I’m giving it!

So that’s my recap for January. I did reach some goals, but mainly I just lost my train of thought. I was in a funk more often than I had anticipated, but February is here and it’s time to clear my brain fog! I am going to refocus, slow down and get my year in gear! January was my ‘free trial month’ for 2022, now the real deal is here. I am keeping the subscription so I’m going to use it more carefully! No option to cancel! Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 1 Comment

New Year…Not so New Me

Happy New Year! I’m late I know, that’s not unusual for me though. I celebrated with the two oldest of my threefold last night, ‘E’, #1’s boyfriend joined us and so did #2’s friend, ex, somebody. It’s complicated. We had a good time. We played radio roulette, ate finger foods, did year end ultimate positives and negatives, and danced. It was fun. We watched the countdown and then we all went to our corners of the house to sleep.

This morning, noon rather, I awoke and expected some sort of relief that the year before was complete. I expected to be full of inspiration and energy. I wasn’t. I was annoyed. I laid thinking of all I had to be grateful for and still I was irritated. I did my normal go outside and wake up in the peace and quiet. Think positive thoughts and wipe the funk out of my eyes. Manifest a great day. No avail.

I checked Facebook and saw the post that I had made a few days ago was getting lots of reactions and shares. Even that didn’t help my growing irritability, the headache I was developing, the tension in my shoulders and neck, or my anxiety. I couldn’t find the root cause. Why was I so edgy?

I did my best to keep to myself as I always do when my mood goes haywire. ‘E’ has been sick so as he slept the day away I worked on my content so I would have some fresh stuff to post this week. I was trying to be productive. Then my head couldn’t take the screen or the light. #1 needed a birthday gift for a party she was attending but with this headache I wasn’t going anywhere. I put her in an Uber and sent her and her boyfriend on their way. After that, I went to bed and tried to sleep away my headache and irritation.

#2 asked to go spend the night with a friend. I haven’t spent a single night, let alone more than a few hours, away from this kid since her discharge in late August. She had a compelling argument. Then again, she always does. I was reluctant and told her I would think about it. It’s been six months since she stayed with a friend. She hasn’t even asked to go stay with anyone. I agreed. It was time to give her some deserved independence and trust. I saw her off and took #1 to her party. Back home for some chill time and some take out.

I meditated before going in and got my mood a little in check. I was trying to be ok. I wanted to feel better and just chill on a child free evening that is a rarity for me. I logged into my work portal and was happy to see 80 hours of vacation time that started today. I was glad to see the few hours I had left from last year had been rolled over, even though that’s not policy. When I clicked a button to check on my year end raise I saw that I received more than the average raise I got at the end of last year. This should have been enough to make me happy, but somehow it only added to the irritation.

My night chilling without kids didn’t last because an argument ensued between’E’ and I. My already edgy irritable demeanor roared to life with the first hint of attitude. That spark grew into anger. I was pissed. Not on edge, not upset, I was full on pissed. I stormed off not even sure where I would go. All I could think was ‘I can’t believe this is how my new year starts!’ Here I was thinking it would be a magical fresh start and a clean slate and instead it’s this.

Where did I go wrong? I rang in the new year. I meditated. I manifested. I sat in gratitude. So why was I in such a shitty mood? Why was my new year starting out on the wrong foot? It wasn’t supposed to be like this! The answer is me. I’m the reason it was so jacked up. I could say it’s because I’m bipolar or that I’m PMS’ing, or the headache, or my neck. Those could all be valid reasons. They can’t excuse my irritation and explosive reaction even if those are true.

Now here I sit reflecting on my day. My first day of a new year. On my piss poor, irritated, and ungrateful attitude. I sat and wallowed in my disappointment with the day and now that disappointment has turned inward. What the hell is wrong with me? I got a raise! I have two weeks plus some paid vacation! My daughter is taking on more independence again. My other is graduating soon. I’ve got a man who won’t budge despite how hard I push him away. I have a home. My threefold and I are safe and healthy. We have so much good in our lives, yet I can’t get out of my own way to just be grateful for it. I have to snap out of it!

I’m the only person that can control my own emotions, attitude, actions, and responses. Only me. Sometimes you just have an off day. Sometimes you can’t see the good because your eyes hurt when you look at the light. Sometimes you’re just being a bitch and need to check yourself. Sometimes we let ourselves be encompassed by a little bit of bad and refuse to let the good in. Sometimes we have to let it blow up so that we can get it together. It’s not ever going to be perfect and neither am I. I won’t allow one bad day define my year. All I can do is move forward. Have a better tomorrow. Do it differently. Be positive. We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Posted on by — 3 Comments

Making Magic Out of Misery:

My least favorite line that people tend to say about divorce is that it’s the ‘easy’ way out. If you think it’s easy, then please go ahead and get one so you can tell me that again in eighteen months when it’s still being held up in court! I don’t think anyone goes into a marriage planning for divorce. It’s also not an easy decision. You don’t have one fight or one bad day and just up and leave. There are a million fights and a ton of bad days. There is trial and error and failure. It’s not a clear cut decision. Deciding to divorce is agonized about and completely anxiety inducing.

I waited far too long to get divorced. I stayed much longer than I should have. I heard the ‘do it for the kids’ and the ‘you made a vow’. Those words were the ones that kept me in an emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially abusive relationship for too long. I was more worried about disappointing my family. I didn’t want to hurt my kids. I didn’t want to just give up because things got hard. Somewhere in all of the years and through the all the worst times I lost not only my self worth, my self respect, and my whole identity. I couldn’t even see the abuse that was not only being inflicted on me, but that I was complicit in with my threefold.

Looking back now, I don’t even recognize that person. I was just a shell of a person and I had no hope for anything better or different for my threefold and I. It still amazes me that I found the strength within to get out and stay out. I left with nothing other than a small hope that there was something more to life than what I had with him. I had to believe that I could be happy again eventually and that we deserved a chance to find it. I realized that the only way to get there was to leave.

A New Year’s resolution nearly two years ago was my first step towards finding a path forward. My decision was made by a random song on the radio playing ‘radio roulette’ with my threefold. Radio roulette is a game we play where the next song that plays on the radio is ‘your song’ and that’s your theme for the day, night, month, or year. When ‘Lose You to Love Me’ came on I knew exactly in that moment that regardless how silly and laughable our little game was, it was a sign telling me to walk away. I decided that if within six months there wasn’t a massive change, I would leave. Things only deteriorated more rapidly and I walked away after thirteen years, with three boxes, and my threefold. It was the hardest and best decision I’ve had to make, but it was the only choice if my threefold and I ever wanted more than a hand to mouth life filled with candy coated cruelty.

I didn’t hit the door and have some major change instantly happen in my life. Happiness wasn’t waiting for me just outside the door. I didn’t walk into a happily ever after life when I left that day. In fact, I walked into the most challenging year of my life. I walked into a battle for my threefold, for their lives, literally, for my rights, for our freedom. I walked into insecurities in every aspect of life. I was broke and broken. I was starting over and all I wanted was a do over, a chance to do it better.

This past year and a half I discovered one big key element to finding happiness-contentment. Do not confuse contentment with settling, it’s not settling. Contentment is finding satisfaction and the happiness will follow. I’ll always want more for myself and for my family. That determination to always find the happiness in my life won’t stop until I do. However, I am content with knowing that it’s mine to create. The happiness is all around me and it always was inside of me. I’m satisfied knowing there is so much more out there waiting for me to discover. There always was, I just couldn’t see it because I believed the lies that said I wouldn’t have anything, do anything, and I wasn’t worth more than what I had.

After reflecting back nearly two years after making that new year’s resolution to discover myself and find my happiness. I see my growth. Here I am. Happy. I can say that with confidence. I’m happy. It’s not always easy, but it was a choice. I’m now content with my life, but still I am striving for better. I have my threefold, our new blended family, the person I always dreamed of having by my side, but never knew existed and an endless amount of possibilities ahead for all of us.

As I sit preparing my New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, I know that I am capable of amazing feats even amongst the challenges that will be faced in the coming year. I’ve managed to make magic happen out of the misery we once settled with. If I was capable of that throughout this year, next year will be a piece of pie! Those capabilities and that determination didn’t come the decision to leave, it came from the battles I fought along the way in search of my happiness and a better life. I didn’t come this far to back down and I won’t give up on my goals. I’m a bad ass goal getter! You should be one too! Start preparing for your big New Year’s resolutions NOW! I don’t think anyone else is less capable than I am of achieving their goals. You deserve to find your happiness. Look for the good! Stay positive ! You’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M