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Ask. Accept. Acknowledge.

This was my first attempt at not only recording a video in real time, but also taking the raw footage of that video and editing it to customize it and make it cohesive. I was nervous filming it, thus my shakiness that is visible in the video. I am more nervous making it public, even though I maintained my anonymity in respect to our unique situation and out of respect for my threefold as we have endured trauma and are trying to heal that trauma.

I can’t pretend that letting people, the world, in on my dark and hidden truth behind my push for positivity is easy. I am beyond scared that people will judge me and doubt my intentions for this video as anything less than genuine attempt to show that there is good everywhere and that all we have to do is open our eyes and see it.

I wasn’t going to share it. I just wanted to have it for myself and for my family as a way to show them that everything works out even if it’s in ways you don’t expect it to. Shine light on the shadows of your life and in turn your truth will become someone else’s way to do the same. We are going through all of this and we’re meant to be on this journey for a reason. One day, we will know what the plan and purpose for our journey was for. Until then we cling to faith, hope, peace, love, happiness and positivity. That’s how we heal and move forward. I hope you enjoy this and appreciate the good around you everyday!


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I Couldn’t Find the Words…

Photographer- 2 Words-Me

My week started off on a not so great foot, but come Monday it was changing. I had been praying, crying, begging, and trying to manifest a way to make sure all the bills were paid and that 2 would be able to receive all the care she needed regardless of the cost. I didn’t know how to come up with the money, but the money had to be found regardless because there was no amount of money that was going to stop me from getting 2 the help she needed. I just needed to figure out how.

Monday came and I received a phone call from my corporate office. I obviously had informed my manager of everything that had been happening with 2 over the past couple of months. I had several days I wasn’t able to work because I was coordinating her care, going to appointments, admitting, discharging, admitting again, therapy, an extreme amount of phone calls, and just had a very erratic schedule. My manager has been more than accommodating and for this I am beyond grateful. Corporate called and they informed me that they were donating $2000.00 to help with our expenses. I was in tears and couldn’t believe the generosity of these strangers. I was at a loss for all words. I didn’t even know what to say or how I could ever express how grateful I was to have their help and support. I didn’t even know, nor had I heard of the person who called and was on the other end of this amazing message. All I knew was I didn’t have to worry about how to pay for her care AND how I was going to pay our monthly bills on top of it. I hung up the phone and was shocked. Are they sure? I’m not that special and I have only been working for this company for 15 months. I was just stunned. No words. I decided since writing is my best method of communication I would compose an email to express the intense feelings of love and gratitude I had for my employer and the anonymous contributors to my threefold and I. As I wrote the email I had explained how much their gift mean to me and our family I mirrored some of the words I had said in my previous post about 2’s hospitalization. I explained that mental illness didn’t come with get well soon cards, flowers, or meal trains. That their generosity made me realize that there is still so much good in this world even when you feel like you are surrounded by the bad.

As my week moved forward I was continually surprised and blessed by people. I was using all of my energy to remain positive despite everything that was going on around me and my threefold. I couldn’t believe that money was just seemingly showing up for me. I walked into work Tuesday and had one of my regular customers approach me who needed me to make some adjustments to a project I had referred to him to take on. When he went to leave he gave me the paperwork and told me thank you for always taking care of him. I went to my desk and fumbled through the paperwork and found a $50 bill. I called him and told him I thought he had accidentally left it in the paperwork and that I would put it in an envelope for him to pick up with my manager. He immediately protested explaining he had intentionally put it there for me as a thank you. Then Wednesday I received a phone call from a county out of state. I was confused as to why this clerk’s office was contacting me. I had never lived in that county and had visited there in over a year. They explained that due to some property I own in the county, an inheritance from my grandfather, I had a check they had been trying to get me for an overpayment of the property taxes. They no longer had a good address for me and had been trying to reach me to get the correct one. Then Thursday came and I received another $20 from a customer who wanted to buy me lunch because he thought I was awesome and appreciated my help throughout the months. I couldn’t believe how much I was given this week by random people some who didn’t even know what I was struggling with. I was so grateful.

At dinner Thursday night with the PPP and 1 I told them about how I had prayed and begged and pleaded and was trying to manifest money in our lives so that we didn’t have the weight of that worry on us among all the other we had in our lives right now. I told them how I was meditating each morning again, practicing my self affirmations, working on being positive and practicing meditation techniques. This week had been an amazing week regardless of everything going on with 2 and our family we were still allowed to have good attitudes and work towards being our best selves for when 2 got home. I told them about everything and said if we just look for the good it happens.

Shortly after dinner I received a call from my threefold’s father. He called to inform me and my threefold that his grandmother was going to be passing away. 1 had not had the opportunity to say goodbye and wanted to do so. We decided at midnight to drive the hour and a half out of town to say our goodbyes. We arrived and had some tearful last moments as a family and then we drove home. Realizing it was now 4:30am and I needed to be getting up for work at 6:00am I decided I shouldn’t go to sleep. After getting very minimal sleep the previous day I knew when I went to bed it would need to be for a long while. I wasn’t going to wake up after no sleep and if I did I would probably be cranky and beyond exhausted regardless. I needed to tough it out.

I went into work and tried to just do what I needed to do without thinking about the tired. My brother texted me, he works for the same company in a different state. He texted me to tell me I was #1 in sales for the week within the entire company. I was so excited. That was an extra bit of motivation I needed to keep me going through the day. I had been in the top ten several times but seemed to have near missed the elusive and coveted #1 spot. I was stoked. I had a meeting with my district regarding goals and expectations for the next month. He prayed for me, which was admittedly awkward as I don’t pray publicly or often. I however, do believe in the power of it, more than ever right now. As we finished our meeting and he went to meet with other members of the team he handed me and envelope and asked me if I would put it in my vehicle. I of course agreed and asked what it was and he responded with the same sentence and said I could open it.

I arrived to my vehicle and upon opening it I found a card. The card had a hand written note that said that I was brought to the company for a reason and that I was right about mental illness not having the same support as other illnesses, but today it would. It was signed anonymously with just the name of the company I worked for. Upon further inspection I found 22 gift cards to various restaurants and Walmart along with some loose cash. I was shocked. It is over $700 in gift cards and cash combined. They just keep surprising me. I was so incredibly humbled by their outpouring of love and support I sat in my vehicle crying as I called 1 to tell them about the newest gift we had received. I had again lost my words.

Just some of the giving that happened. These aren’t even all of them!

The point of this story isn’t to say my work family is better than yours, however true it may be, but to show that good things are happening all the time. I don’t have to be in fear of losing my job because of everything going on in my personal life. That was the first blessing was that I wasn’t living in fear of if I would reprimanded for taking care of 2, instead of having all of my focus on work. I was so grateful for that alone. Then the additional emergency paid time off I received to help supplement my loss of time and to offset the potential loss of income. Then the $2000 gift to help pay for our expenses. Then all the other blessings I received this week. Then this. And as I write this today I received yet another card in the mail from a colleague expressing their support during this time. I am beyond grateful for the work family I have and for the outpouring of support for 2, my threefold, the PPP and I during this time. I will never have all of the words but I know that the card was right I was meant to be exactly where I am right now.

Photograph by 2. Words by me.