I’ve been pretty negative the past few weeks, just sitting in my puddle of pity and splashing people in the face if they came near or tried to pull me from wallowing in my many woes. Even those that you would think are the strongest still fall. I had to climb out of the hell I was allowing to take over my life {or drug out kicking and screaming} I had to get out of there before I let it consume me and cover me in the dark bitterness of depression. It took some come ups and some push {ok a lot of push} but I’m starting to see some of that silver lining.
I never rolled over and quit {I wanted to.} I knew that my only choice was to keep moving forward and as hard as it has been this past month it’s time to shake off the sadness and the hardships. Now I am going to get to the good {ish} part again. And yes I say ish because it’s never going to be perfect but goodish is MUCH better than hellish. Real talk.
Both of my girls aren’t discharged from the hospital yet, but # 2 came home today. She’ll do a partial hospitalization program starting Monday. That means I can have her home at night, but she’ll still have daily therapy and see her psychiatrist daily. So hospital diring the day, work, and then home. Much better than inpatient with five minute phone calls and no face to face visitation.
#3 will hopefully get out next week. They did a full medication change on her so she has to be monitored while she adjusts to the new regimen. Hopefully, this change is one that helps her to regulate her emotions better. She is ready to be back home. Home for a week then back inpatient isn’t the goal at all. Hopefully her step down care will be partial or intensive outpatient care.
On a brighter note, tomorrow #1 has her 18th birthday party! I went all out. She didn’t get a sweet sixteen due to Covid popping up this time two years ago. She chose an ‘Alice in Wonderland’ theme. I love it. We bought cute spring dresses, too many decorations, and I have three cakes. Yes, I know it’s excessive. Who needs 3 cakes, cupcakes, chocolate covered strawberries and ooey gooey bars? Well, apparently we do. It should be fun and give us all the ability to relax and have some fun. I hate #3 won’t be here with us to celebrate. I miss that kid with all of me right now.
To top off the celebration of the 18th birthday and the official adulthood commencing for one of my threefold we also are celebrating that full scholarship she was awarded for her amazing ACT and academic achievements amongst an essay she wrote. So proud of her! She is rocking this year and has grown so much as a person this year. {still 4’10” but she is dynamite in a tiny package!}
In case I need more to celebrate other than I am one down two to go to successful child rearing, then I can add to the celebratory mood. I achieved a goal that I’ve been working on professionally. I got a promotion at work and a nice little pay increase to go with it. I’m pretty proud to be able to say that in just shy of two years with my current company I’ve had 2 promotions and 4 raises. Not too damn shabby. I do love what I do and the people I get to work with.
Despite all the headaches and the hardships there is still a lot of good happening for us. I know eventually the good will outweigh the bad. I’m ready to keep moving forward and keep overcoming the obstacles. It’s a crazy life Mommin ’ mental illness, but who better to have to do it for my threefold than I? In the mean time I’ll keep trying to see all the good. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Normally I’d have some inspirational post to start off the month. It would be part of my ‘Goal Getters’ series. It would mention all the goals I made and how I reached each one. I would give little hints to how you can also accomplish your goals with a ‘Goal Getter’ mindset like mine. It would be a fluff piece, full of positivity. It would have promised that with a few changes you can live the life you’ve been dreaming of and you can be the person you aspire to be. It would be inspirational.
THIS is NOT that piece. I’ve warned you. I have no inspirational tales of how I accomplished my goals and manifested my dream life during the month of January. I have no motivational speeches where I spit all the shit you should’ve done and shouldn’t have done. My positivity push was completely flushed down the drain when the new year began. I’m not sure why I had such a rocky start. I’m not sure where my ‘Goal Getter’ attitude and my motivational mantras went. I guess I left them in 2021 with everything else I learned last year. I know my negativity is not needed in your world either, but I promised to keep it real and this is as real as it gets. Real talk.
I had high hopes and high expectations for 2022. It was going to be the year everything started falling into place. It was supposed to be the year that I took the lessons from 2020 and 2021 and found my purpose. My plan was big, but is it too big? Maybe I still have a lot to learn if I’m going to give up on my dreams and my goals after 30 days. Who the hell am I? That’s not the girl with the grit and grind goal getter attitude. I’m NOT a quitter. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a quitter. What the hell is happening?
I wrote three pieces, THREE, about my funked up attitude. I was aware that I was not on the right path to achieve my goals. I wrote eleven pieces in January. Seven blog posts of the eleven were not positive entries. The others could be positive, but mainly focused more on the past. I posted on Facebook for my page ‘My Threefold’ more than 30 times in January. Most were snarky posts I made about mom-life and men. They did well when it came to getting likes. They had a lot of humor, sarcasm and relatable anecdotes, but they were mainly negative.
So here we are. A month into the new year and I’m pissed off. I’ve failed miserably at making this year the year I found my peace of mind and my happy ending. I’ve been patient. I’ve been positive {mostly} for a whole year. I’ve made the right decisions and done my best even when I was at my worst. Yet here I am, still. Searching for the lesson in all this stressing! I feel, defeated. I feel, cheated. I feel most of all like maybe I’m not ever going to get to the good part. I feel like something is missing. What have I missed? Why do I feel like this?
After a long time of self reflection and trying to find the missing piece I was still none the wiser. I know I’m impatient. I know I have been asking for a lot over the past year. I’ve received a lot, so I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I just need to know what gives? What do I need to do to make this year THE year? What more do I have to do to prove that I’m a good person who deserves to get to the good part? When do I get back some of what I’ve lost and get to live out my happily ever after fantasy? When? I’m asking with all the faith I have left!
I was sulking and pouting about life. I was mad at the world for not working with me. I was sitting in the cold, in my truck alone, feeling sorry for myself away from the eyes of my family and the ‘calm down’ that I would receive as a well meaning reply from ‘E’. I didn’t want or need him to tell me ‘it will all work out in time.’ No, I wanted my happiness now.I deserve it. That’s when I found it. The answer. The missing piece. Alone in my truck. With no one to blame for not realizing it but myself. It was obvious. Too simple.
What was I not doing? I realized I had been too busy worrying about what hadn’t happened. I was constantly waiting for the next thing to fall into place. I was setting all of these goals. I was even accomplishing many of them, but I was quickly moving to the next one. ‘What now? What next?’ I was doing everything I was supposed to do and I was getting everything I wanted. I was working for all of it. That is all true. I was going through all the motions, but I wasn’t allowing myself to feel the emotions. I wasn’t celebrating my accomplishments. I wasn’t looking at all the good that came with my accomplishments. I just went straight into my next challenge. I couldn’t see all the good that is right here, right now. I was too busy searching and waiting for the next thing to give me that quick fix of happiness. The truth is I wasn’t enjoying what I do have.
I’m not going to have it all at once. Hard happens even when we feel like we are doing everything right. Good happens even when we don’t see it. I don’t want to be so caught up in the grit and grind of goal getting that I forget the good that is happening all around me. So I’m skipping my ‘Goal Getter’ post for February. I will never stop working to be better, but I will start enjoying the person I am right now and the person I am becoming. I will celebrate my successes. I will be humble with a hint of Kanye about how there may not be an I in awesome, but there is me! I will choose to be happy with everything I have now and stop waiting for the good part. The good part is happening, and I’m too focused on the future to enjoy the present. That’s my new goal for 2022. When I accomplish that, I will have the year I set out to have. Stay positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
I don’t think I realized how much faith I had lost in humanity until this past year happened. Acts of kindness me doubt the ‘why’ behind the actions. I’be never been someone who admitted they needed help. I’ve been the type of girl who figured it out since becoming an adult. I became resourceful and I pride myself on my ability to always find a way. That saying ‘if there’s a will, there’s a way’ was written with me in mind.
If I need something or want something bad enough I am next to unstoppable. I’m persistent and stubborn as hell. I almost always get my way. That sounds like I’m an entitled brat, but what I mean is I work for it. I will grind and hustle. I will possibly pester the shit out of you about it, but eventually I will have what I want.
If you’ve been following and reading for a while you know that my family has faced some unique challenges over the past year. With a lot of strength and perseverance we made it through the hardest of times. When I say it’s been a struggle, I mean a struggle. There were times I doubted I was cut out for this job called mom. It’s not easy. That’s an understatement.
I found my faith in humanity this year. I found support in places I never would have thought. Even now, when things have begun to settle back to a manageable level of chaos, I am still receiving that support. Maybe it’s manifested, maybe it’s good karma, maybe it’s my mom looking out for me or God, I’m not sure. I just know that whatever it is I can only say that I am so grateful.
When we were at our lowest, my company donated $2000 to our family to help with expenses. A ‘go fund me’ campaign raised another $2000. My company also provided our family with over $500 in gift cards so that we would have gas money, groceries, and be able to afford to go out to eat on occasion. My boss has paid #2 every week for the little bit of work she does at our office after school, since she has to come to work with me in the afternoons after school due to her safety plan. My boss also bought #2 a homecoming dress when he and his fiancé found out we would going on our thrift shop scavenger hunt.
Last but certainly not least, is our new friend, Karthik. There was a time before the ‘go fund me’ and before the company donations that I was struggling and in a bad way. I had gone to a gas station and crossed my fingers as I swiped my card. Declined. That day Karthik put $20 of gas in my car. I didn’t ask. He just saw my desperation probably. I just needed to get to the day patient program #2 was going to at the time to pick her up. I was too prideful to ask for help, even from my own family. Karthik, just did it. No questions asked.
We frequent this gas station regularly now. We go nearly every afternoon after school on my way back to work. #2 says Karthik is her best friend. He is an amazing friend to us. He always make #2 get herself an extra treat, he asks if we need anything, he gives us hot plates, and we are always the first people he asks to try his latest creation. He refuses our money more often than not these days. When I try to pay he just voids my sale. I don’t know why he is so nice to us. He is always friendly and happy to see us. He never asks for anything in return. #2 even had me take her the night of homecoming so she could get a picture with him before the dance. He was ‘honored’.
These strangers that have come into our lives and lifted us up when we were at our lowest have restored our faith in the goodness that people have. I pay it forward as often as I can. I don’t think it’s right to receive without giving it back. I feel you have to put it back into the universe, that good it gives to you, as often as you can in order to keep the good flowing. Not everyone has an ulterior motive. Some people are just kind. Pay if forward. Stay Positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Karthik and #2 on homecoming wearing the beautiful dress my boss purchased for her.
We’ve established Mommin’ ain’t easy. With my threefold and our extremely complicated circumstances surrounding mental illness means my parenting approach needs to be in line and on it’s A-game as much as possible. I’m not the perfect Pinterest mom who is building replicas of Rome with cardboard and crepe paper. I’m a below average cook. I’m also not really into fitness, hair, or makeup. I’m more of the trauma momma chaos coordinator extraordinaire. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for connecting and having one on one time with my threefold.
As much as I wish I could just be an amazing mom, I know I have room for improvement. If nothing else, I always am looking for ways to be better for myself and especially for my threefold. It’s important I have a grasp on my parenting approach for consistency and balance. With mental illness and some challenging behaviors mixed with the change in family dynamics, I have to be able to be effective and understanding. Hold my ground and hold their hands when necessary too. It’s a balance.
It’s just really freaking hard to find that balance alone. So I got a parenting coach. Yes, a parenting coach to help me navigate how to handle my crazy, chaotic, ever changing crew. I’m raising little humans here! I don’t want them to be total assholes and so I need help. The goal is to raise confident, motivated, and compassionate people. Or something that isn’t resulting in a menace to society or crime filled gang life. I don’t know, I’m trying!
My parenting coach, whom I don’t quite buy into just yet, gave me a challenge this week. I was supposed to establish my expectations for my threefold and explain them clearly in a calm manner. Ok. I get that. Then I was to establish set consequences for not meeting those expectations and hold their feet to the fire. Ok. I can maybe do that one too. The last was to plan a ‘date’ with my daughters individually and spend quality one on one time with each. Sounds easy? IT’S NOT! I’m in a ball of anxiety surrounding this challenge.
First of all my threefold range in age. Youngest {#3} is 10, my middle {#2} is 13, and the oldest {#1} is 17. I’m not sure what to do with any of them. That sounds awful, but it’s true. I don’t know of anything that I can do for a few hours with my own kids! Go ahead and bring on the judgment, I’m judging myself too right now.
The thing is that I don’t want to have to say no and cause their day to go straight down the drain. I don’t want to end up with a pouty and irritable kid, because it’s just not something doable today. Not everything can be money related and we don’t have privacy at home with 6 people in the house to make plans at home.
Of course my challenge today is #3 of my threefold. Ugh! Why the hardest one to please is the first date pick, I don’t know! I must like self torture. She isn’t hard to please, but her list of ideas for her mommy time consists over Starbucks, Walmart, Target, 5 Below and a craft project. I can already picture me telling her that I’m not buying a shit ton of useless crap and her pouty face. It’s all shopping and shopping is not my ideal day even on a day when the money moves right.
I’ve scoured the internet looking for something inexpensive and fun we can do outside of the house. It’s below freezing, so anything like picnics, parks, bike rides and nature walks are out of the question. I’m lost. I have zero clue as to what to counter her shopping spree with. I’ve come up empty.
I know she needs this special time with me. I do understand the premise. Also she did have her first four day good behavior streak in months at both school and home so she also earned a reward for her improvement and efforts made. I just want it to go well. I think I’m more nervous about this date than any other I have ever been on. I feel like it’s a make or break it kind of thing. It’s not, but I’m going to overthink this until it’s time to go.
Today from 3pm-5pm this kid has me to herself. We have 2 hours to go bond just the two of us today. I’ve got to go manifest some money and some magic mom mastery. Seriously though, I know this is supposed to be fun. I’m just unintentionally overthinking the fun out of the experience. I know, relax! It needs to be special, but whatever we do today, it’s got to be something that makes her feel special not just a shot in the dark. I’m hoping I can conjure my creativity and find the fun on a cold winters day. I’m staying positive. I’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
It’s been about a week since I posted about the funk I had been in for what felt like a couple of weeks. I was over it. I was so irritated and easily triggered even I was getting on my nerves! I sat down trying to figure out why. Once I started pinpointing my issues I knew I had to find a way to debunk that funk! My attitude is my choice.
I said I would share my methods and here I am. Defunkifying myself wasn’t as easy as I had hoped, but I pushed through and found away to get the funk away. I felt like outside factors were the source. The truth is, however, that I was responsible for my response to those outside factors. I was allowing myself to get wrapped up in the negative aspects of every facet of my life.
I decided Sunday it was time I fight off the funk before it funked up my progress. I did NOTHING on Sunday. It sound like it’s easy, but it’s not, especially with my threefold and what a difficult time I have had just relaxing. I didn’t feel guilty, for the most part. Ok, I really did feel guilty for it, but I pushed past that. I laid around in fuzzy pants and wore house slippers all day. I said no multiple times and held my ground with my Sunday none day. I needed to recharge and relax before the week ahead.
Sunday, I set my goals for the week. I sat down and got intentional with my plan. I couldn’t just leave the week to chance. I needed to decide what I wanted so I had a clear cut path to get those things. I’ve found this is always is my best course of action. I despise making promises to myself and breaking them.
With my goals in mind I forged through the week with determination to not be a negative Nancy. I was going to be better. Go through each day as if I was trying to beat the prior day. Quit complaining and start doing something to change the things that were throwing my energy out of whack. Mindless complaining and irritation wasn’t serving me or making anything better. In fact, it was making it worse, because I was focusing my thoughts on the bad stuff and the things I wasn’t happy about. Instead of continuing to just wait for the circumstances to change, I needed to figure out what I could do to change them now, not later.
Time Management
My threefold
Work
Relationship
Money
Divorce
These areas are what I needed to take action on if my mood was going to change. So I got to work on what was bothering me and how I could make improvements in these areas to better serve myself. It was all about finding where I would be able to change the circumstances that were throwing off my energy surrounding these topics. I got to work.
Time Management: This one is still such a nightmare for me. Maybe it’s ADHD that makes me so unconcerned with time. 15 minutes late is an accomplishment for me in nearly every situation. It’s considered a known fact at work, I will be late or on ‘M Time’ as we jokingly call it. I did however become more mindful this week of the time. I did my best to make sure I was on time(ish) and be less anxious around my time restraints.
My Threefold: This one is a big source of stress right now. It seems like with three kids one is always out of whack. I just wish they could all be good simultaneously! I’ve been struggling with the youngest (#3). This week it all blew up on Monday. After a ‘I hate you’ and some other choice words from #3, I could’ve totally gone ballistic. I could’ve let my whole week go straight to shit, but I mommed that situation so well. {In my not so humble opinion} I’ve held to my disciplinary actions and stayed consistent with reward and punishment. By Wednesday, I started seeing the improvements I needed to in her. Today, we are on a four day good behavior streak. That’s something we haven’t seen around here in a while!
Work: I’m a workaholic. That’s not something I say lightly. I know, it’s not always a beneficial habit to feel compelled to work in order to feel accomplished and reduce my anxiety surrounding my need to feel like I’m a beneficial part of a team. It definitely spills over into my home life.
At work, I’m an overachiever. I feel like I have to be the best. Seeing my name at #2 in sales makes me cringe. Not being on the top 10 nationwide makes me feel like I’m not doing it right. Bad reviews, I take them personally and careless mistakes will make me mad for days. Yep, I’m a one-upper Olivia at work. In the words of Ricky Bobby ‘if ya ain’t first, your last.’ Monday is M-day. It’s my day off every week. There are many weeks I find myself smack dab behind my desk catching up on my work. Not this week though. I took off, for real. No emails, no business calls, and only a couple texts to answer the questions from my coworkers about pressing issues. The rest of the week I did my thing. At night I turned it off, as much as I was itching to open my emails, I resisted. It’s difficult for me, but I see that I’m less stressed and anxious about work at home if I’m not working.
My relationship: Well I love ‘E’ and I’m explicit about that fact. It’s not always easy and I’m definitely a handful. I overthink and can be quite the sensitive sally at times. I can go from a good time to an emotional mess in less time it takes to cook cheese sticks in an air fryer. {I do love my air fryer!} Sometimes I need to fact check my thoughts, because I’m quick to assume and not as quick to ask for clarification. No fighting this week or silly arguments that I blow out of proportion. I was needing a no argument week. Most of those arguments start because I assume and let my head overwhelm me with untrue assumptions.
Money: Not fixed, but I did file my taxes! So here’s to expecting refund and praying the IRS isn’t backlogged. I’m hoping I got in on the first round before everyone and their momma starts their filing. Praying for no whammies and big money!
The impending trial for the finalization of all the terms my ex and I haven’t agreed up {which is everything} is less than a few weeks away. I’m anxious, but it’s not because I think I’ll lose. I’m anxious to have to speak the truth in open court. I have to do all of this crap I don’t feel like I should. I get less than $75 per month per child in child support. Do the math! I have them all but 4 days per month. I carry their insurance and his. Then he goes and buys this $30k Harley!!! I was pissed! I am over her scrapping and going on a thrift shop treasure hunt to find halfway decent hand me downs for growing kids. He is over there blowing every dollar he has. I was livid.
I realized, besides court delays from Covid, his intentional dragging out the process has been to spite me. He wants me to fail. He wants me to be miserable. It’s the only hand he has left to play. The deck is stacked in my favor. That is what pisses him off. Yet, I let his manipulative behavior and his downright rude attitude to do exactly what he wants. I try not to show it, and definitely not with my threefold, but with others when I speak of it, you can hear the downright contempt in my voice.
This week I told him some hard truths. I was matter of fact and it made me feel better. I spoke to my lawyer and formulated a plan. I spoke with others I needed to in the process and handled my side of things. I still have a bit to do, but all in all, I feel better knowing that I’m in control over my reaction and he can’t have the satisfaction of my failure or misery.
Now, I keep going. Setting goals and intentions. I keep noticing my feelings and what is causing them. I keep working to do better, everyday. It’s not ever going to be perfect. There will always be ups and downs in life. When I’m in that down pattern it’s important that I recognize why so I can fix it before it becomes more. Staying positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
