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Funked Up

How many times have I said I don’t have the time? I don’t have time for myself, I don’t have time to clean, I don’t have time…fill in the blank. I put the PRO in procrastination, because I’m a damn professional when it comes to putting it off until the last minute. I have always been this way. I don’t know why either. I know I have anxiety. I know it’s going to increase that anxiety threefold and make me irritable. Why do I do that to myself? How the hell do I fix it?

I’ve been in a funk all week. I’ve been as busy as gets at work. I’m drained of all niceties by the time I get home at 6:30pm. My ‘me time’ for meditation has doubled this week in response, yet within minutes I’m back to square one with my attitude. Funky and foul. I go into the day with good intentions and bam something happens {a mild inconvenience or an assumed backhand comment} I’m immediately spiraling into negativity and irritation. What gives? I’m taking my meds. The kids are healthy and stabile {for the most part} The bills are paid. The sex life is stellar. I’m doing my positivity push. I’m just not sure.

What the hell is wrong? Why am I ready to throw down and so on edge? I’ve been just a mess of up and down all week. THAT is pissing me off as much as anything else. I can’t even seem to find my focus. I sat down and did a spreadsheet today, but I hated every mindless second. I went and began a paragraph of three different blog posts, yet a week later and nothing has been published. I haven’t even been on social media {other than the family group chat with the kids and my make you gag conversations with ‘E’} I’ve barely cleaned and I haven’t cooked. I started an interesting book I haven’t finished. I even started my own first chapter and stopped. I am at a standstill with my personal life as my professional life continues to go at full speed.

I’m burning myself out at work. I love my job, but the list of to do’s grows longer each day. I’m beginning to beg to lock myself away there just to catch up. I find myself calling customers on lunch and responding to emails at night. I even talk about work at home as ‘E’ and I work at the same company. He left town this week {short trip} and came home to an empty house for the first time without the normal enthusiastic greeting of #2 who usually tracks his every move. I have an assignment for therapy I haven’t touched. I feel so unaccomplished in my personal life. Our real talk roundtable {family dinner} dwindled down to two nights this week. I’m just not myself. Where am I?

I’m not depressed or manic. I’m just blah. Maybe it’s the season? Maybe it’s the looming court date that I feel unprepared for? Maybe it’s the increased arguments at home? Maybe it’s the feeling like I am struggling too much financially to work as hard as I do? Maybe it’s my feelings that all that work is still not enough? Maybe it’s PMDD {hormones blow}

I know you make time for priorities. I know I have time. I know I’m going to be responsible for fixing whatever it is that’s bugging me. It’s not going to just disappear. I wish I liked peanuts, I’d almost be willing to try a snickers! Something has to give and I have to figure it out! I am impatient and I want to fix it NOW! It’s time to conjure a funk-free formula! Help a girl out y’all! How do you defunkify your energy? When you start the funk free fall when all else has failed? Trying to…Be Positive! We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

Leave your tips in the comments! I would appreciate the assist! I need your best defunking devices and actionable advice! ❤️

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Goal Getter: 2021 in Review

It’s the new year, but we have to look back to move forward. It’s time to recap the year and plan for the year ahead. I know I have a goal getter mindset that is determined to achieve my goals. It’s not going to just happen. We have to stop sitting on the sidelines of our life and waiting for something or someone to push us into the action. You have to pursue what you want, it’s not just going to smack you in the face even if it is right in front of your nose. Don’t be so busy waiting for it to happen to you that you don’t realize when it’s there waiting for you to just take it!

I challenge you to take some time to reflect on the past year. How honest can you be with yourself? Can you get introspective and reflect on your year? Some questions are going to be easy to answer. Others, however, will require thought if you want to get to the hard truths that could lead you to find the answers of why you haven’t reached your goals in the past. I know this exercise has been challenging for me and cathartic as well. Pen to paper with brutal honesty always makes me realize my strengths and my flaws. That honesty make me motivated to improve upon my life and helps me to develop my plan for my self growth.

The following are the questions I use when recapping my month and making my assessment of myself. I just expand on them for the year in review. My answers to these questions help me to formulate my goals for the next set of questions.

  • Overall this year I felt:
  • My highlights from 2021?
  • How can I improve in 2022?
  • What lessons did I learn in 2021?
  • What goals did I want to achieve in 2021?
  • Did I reach my goals?
    • If no, what stopped me? If yes, how did I do it?
  • What was I most thankful for in 2021?
  • My strengths this year were:
  • My challenges this year were:
  • This year I was most proud of:

That is the same layout I use each month in my personal journal. The next set of questions will be how to format your goals for the new year.

  • What do I expect this year?
  • What do I want? {really want not the bs you think you’re supposed to say.}
  • What goals do you have for the year?
  • What plan do you have to reach them?
  • Why are these goals important for you to reach?
  • How will your life change once you reach these goals?
  • What challenges do you foresee that could halt your progress? What is your plan to overcome them?
  • How much time are you planning to commit to reach these goals?
  • How will you keep yourself accountable and track your progress?
  • How do you plan to stay motivated?

It’s important to remember that it’s not a goal if it is dependent on an outside factor. A proper goal is not ‘to get a raise’ however, you can say ‘I will be on time to work each day, complete my job duties to the best of my abilities and increase my sales by 3% over last year’. You now have a great set goals that will, when achieved, have the foundation to support why you deserve a raise. I hope that makes sense!

Now, go make some time and get ready to go after your goals. You are the key ingredient to your own success, but you are also the number one obstacle that stands between you and that same success. It’s all about progress, not perfection. Resolutions are broken usually by February, but goals those are more concrete and though they evolve they remain priorities throughout the year! Stay positive! You’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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New Year…Not so New Me

Happy New Year! I’m late I know, that’s not unusual for me though. I celebrated with the two oldest of my threefold last night, ‘E’, #1’s boyfriend joined us and so did #2’s friend, ex, somebody. It’s complicated. We had a good time. We played radio roulette, ate finger foods, did year end ultimate positives and negatives, and danced. It was fun. We watched the countdown and then we all went to our corners of the house to sleep.

This morning, noon rather, I awoke and expected some sort of relief that the year before was complete. I expected to be full of inspiration and energy. I wasn’t. I was annoyed. I laid thinking of all I had to be grateful for and still I was irritated. I did my normal go outside and wake up in the peace and quiet. Think positive thoughts and wipe the funk out of my eyes. Manifest a great day. No avail.

I checked Facebook and saw the post that I had made a few days ago was getting lots of reactions and shares. Even that didn’t help my growing irritability, the headache I was developing, the tension in my shoulders and neck, or my anxiety. I couldn’t find the root cause. Why was I so edgy?

I did my best to keep to myself as I always do when my mood goes haywire. ‘E’ has been sick so as he slept the day away I worked on my content so I would have some fresh stuff to post this week. I was trying to be productive. Then my head couldn’t take the screen or the light. #1 needed a birthday gift for a party she was attending but with this headache I wasn’t going anywhere. I put her in an Uber and sent her and her boyfriend on their way. After that, I went to bed and tried to sleep away my headache and irritation.

#2 asked to go spend the night with a friend. I haven’t spent a single night, let alone more than a few hours, away from this kid since her discharge in late August. She had a compelling argument. Then again, she always does. I was reluctant and told her I would think about it. It’s been six months since she stayed with a friend. She hasn’t even asked to go stay with anyone. I agreed. It was time to give her some deserved independence and trust. I saw her off and took #1 to her party. Back home for some chill time and some take out.

I meditated before going in and got my mood a little in check. I was trying to be ok. I wanted to feel better and just chill on a child free evening that is a rarity for me. I logged into my work portal and was happy to see 80 hours of vacation time that started today. I was glad to see the few hours I had left from last year had been rolled over, even though that’s not policy. When I clicked a button to check on my year end raise I saw that I received more than the average raise I got at the end of last year. This should have been enough to make me happy, but somehow it only added to the irritation.

My night chilling without kids didn’t last because an argument ensued between’E’ and I. My already edgy irritable demeanor roared to life with the first hint of attitude. That spark grew into anger. I was pissed. Not on edge, not upset, I was full on pissed. I stormed off not even sure where I would go. All I could think was ‘I can’t believe this is how my new year starts!’ Here I was thinking it would be a magical fresh start and a clean slate and instead it’s this.

Where did I go wrong? I rang in the new year. I meditated. I manifested. I sat in gratitude. So why was I in such a shitty mood? Why was my new year starting out on the wrong foot? It wasn’t supposed to be like this! The answer is me. I’m the reason it was so jacked up. I could say it’s because I’m bipolar or that I’m PMS’ing, or the headache, or my neck. Those could all be valid reasons. They can’t excuse my irritation and explosive reaction even if those are true.

Now here I sit reflecting on my day. My first day of a new year. On my piss poor, irritated, and ungrateful attitude. I sat and wallowed in my disappointment with the day and now that disappointment has turned inward. What the hell is wrong with me? I got a raise! I have two weeks plus some paid vacation! My daughter is taking on more independence again. My other is graduating soon. I’ve got a man who won’t budge despite how hard I push him away. I have a home. My threefold and I are safe and healthy. We have so much good in our lives, yet I can’t get out of my own way to just be grateful for it. I have to snap out of it!

I’m the only person that can control my own emotions, attitude, actions, and responses. Only me. Sometimes you just have an off day. Sometimes you can’t see the good because your eyes hurt when you look at the light. Sometimes you’re just being a bitch and need to check yourself. Sometimes we let ourselves be encompassed by a little bit of bad and refuse to let the good in. Sometimes we have to let it blow up so that we can get it together. It’s not ever going to be perfect and neither am I. I won’t allow one bad day define my year. All I can do is move forward. Have a better tomorrow. Do it differently. Be positive. We’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M

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Without Further Ado…

Hello! Today is the day I show the face behind the words, snarky comments, the tears, the laughter, and the sarcastic anecdotes. I’ve revealed so much about my life OUR life…but today I’m also revealing the real person living that life.{I’m freaking out!} I’ve spent the last year hiding this, but I don’t want to hide anymore.

I chose to hide. I had decided that I didn’t want people to see the author, mainly because I was protecting myself from scrutiny and hateful comments. I also wanted to protect my threefold. I wanted us to have a voice but I wanted the anonymity as well. Those things don’t go hand in hand. I’ve learned that the faces behind the words are important in order to form a connection, regardless of how compelling the words may be on their own. It’s overdue, but I’ve been so nervous about the haters, my threefold facing judgement, my own insecurities, and of course my ex. I didn’t realize I was allowing all of those people to have the control over what I would do or could do with my own life. I was still allowing my past mistakes and experiences to drive my future. Not anymore!

I don’t want to hide behind my words anymore. I don’t want my past to overshadow my future. My voice, my identity and my story has remained hidden for too long. I’ve lived in fear and worried about other people’s opinions of me for far too long. It’s time to truly shine a light on our story. We deserve to take back that power. We need to stand firm in our truth and in our faith for a better future. The future we create for ourselves. Let your light shine! Be Positive! We’ve Got This! ☮️❤️😊~M

The Author behind ‘My Threefold’
☮️❤️😊~M
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Break the Cycle!