Just another Manic Monday! I was tired this morning. I can see why I have the bedtime routine. When I don’t follow the bedtime routine I am tired and unmotivated to follow the morning routine the next day. I struggled through a three minute meditation. Thankfully I was still living off my positivity from the last few days and was determined to keep up my good work regardless of the obstacles and the four hours of sleep. Although my late night wasn’t from worrying or stressing or fighting or insomnia. I was definitely enjoying my late night/early morning escapades *wink* and definitely worth breaking my bedtime routine for!
I woke this morning at 6:30am and had to rush through my morning routine because I needed to make the hour long haul to get 2 and take her to treatment. Then I needed to take 1 and 3 to get labs drawn at an outpatient facility that their doctor requested a week ago. Oh and I needed to do a Telehealth therapy session while aimlessly wandering looking for this suite inside the outpatient portion of a major hospital. Plus I still needed to get to drop two of threefold off back home and go into work. Normally I would’ve been rushed, irritable, and mad over the minor inconveniences and my own scheduling snags. Always trying to do more than is feasible. Thankfully this wasn’t the case. I couldn’t get a hold of 2. I was calling and calling at 7:30am to tell her to get up and get ready. I never did reach her, her person, or the dad. I got to the house after 35 minutes of morning traffic and had to knock a few times before finally being heard. 2 came out apologizing for running late and insisted she had gone to bed at a reasonable time and set two alarms, but to no avail. It’s not unusual for 2 to oversleep, need multiple alarms that she sleeps through, or to have her phone on silent. I told her that it was probably not a good idea for us to do sleepovers when she had treatment the following day. We agreed to keep it to Friday and Saturday only. Wow. No yelling or fighting on either side, hmmm treatment must be helping her and I was not about to have my first obstacle send me down the road to negativity that early in the day. “Not today satan!”
2 was 40 minutes late to treatment but she was there and I was ready to tackle the next item on my to do list. Labs. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot at 9am, knowing that was when I needed to be at work, I logged into my telehealth waiting room and got ready to find that lab office and multitask a therapy session. Think again. I couldn’t find the office anywhere and the hospital was eerily quiet and empty of people. I started wondering where I was supposed to be. I decided to drag 1 and 3 back to the parking garage to get my paperwork I had left with the address and telephone number for the facility. I checked it and double checked it. No luck. We went back to the parking garage and I was laughing with my therapist about my challenge and how I was planning to take over the world one positive step at a time. I concluded my session on the “I am a good mom” and “I struggle asking for and accepting help because I need to have control, but then complain about having to do it ALL alone.” Both are true.
After therapy, I was determined to find the damn lab facility. I called the number for the hospital info desk…no answer. I called the lab…no answer. I called another location…no answer. I walked in what felt like 20 circles. Finally I found someone! They moved to another part of the hospital. Super! Now we are getting to the goal! Phew. We get the new address and suite number to the other building on campus. We hop in the car and go park. We go in and find the suite. Yay! We made it. On the door is a sign that says “Closed Monday July 5th in observance of Independence Day” Oh. Ok. Makes sense why I couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone and why the whole outpatient facility was like a ghost town. I didn’t think about it because my office was open and their website nor the Google listing stated any changes to hours for the holiday. I had forced two of threefold to wake up extra early to get ready to go, made them drive to get 2 and take her to treatment and didn’t allow them to eat or drink anything after midnight because they needed to be fasting for the labs! It’s 10am and they haven’t even had water this morning. Geez! Poor kids!
I picked up 1’s boyfriend and dropped the remainder of threefold at home and scurried to work. Now an hour and a half (ish) late. I get in and we are busy. It’s like everyone had the day off and they wanted to do renovations today! One of my newest employees was trying to ask questions over the sound of pallet jacks and customers talking color schemes and a forklift. I told him, as I have told them all, I put notes on every order with approval dates for special orders, any back orders, shipping dates, and any other information I have from our suppliers. He still wasn’t comprehending. He read the note aloud “Approved 6/25 no back orders” I hadn’t received shipping info and didn’t have any information. I had to assume I hadn’t been clear they don’t all send shipping information and the rule of thumb is 2-3 weeks from approval. He wasn’t giving me all the info and I couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear me. Finally, I said “never mind I will do it myself.” The employee sitting at my desk looked at me and said “he is trying.” You know what, he was trying. He didn’t throw up his hands and give up. He didn’t lie and tell the customer on the phone some story. He didn’t pass it over to someone else. He was trying to figure it out but was just forgetting some of the information. I immediately backed up, changed my tone and told him to let the customer know they should have cabinets in another week. We would follow up with the manufacturer tomorrow when they reopened. I was quick to get frustrated, but not quick to teach. That’s not how a manager should approach a learning opportunity. Notated and corrected.
I continued my day. Smiling, laughing joking, selling and being productive. Time flew by and before I knew it I needed to go pick up 2 from treatment. I picked her up and we headed to another work location near her facility that I had agreed to go to in order to pick up some materials for a couple of jobs. On the way we stopped at a convenient store so 2 could get a drink and snack. My card wouldn’t work! I was confused. My account showed money, but my card was declining? We left as I had no cash and I don’t have credit cards because of the divorce. I called my bank and was placed on a 30 minute hold. I got the materials and headed back to my location with 2 in tow. I walked in with the phone still pressed to my ear answering the questions of the banker on the other end of the line. I sat down to clock in and a customer made a bee line to me. “You ordered me the WRONG cabinet! This is bullshit! You have no idea how mad I am!” Well ma’am that’s apparent! *thought not said* I politely asked her what the problem was and she proceeded to loudly exclaim that I ordered the wrong cabinet. She needed a base not a wall and she had already waited weeks. (10 days) for the cabinet. I told her very calmly that I understood her frustration and if she could give me a minute I would see what I could find for her. She was continuing to yell. Her husband came over hushing her (or me?) it wasn’t clear. He looked at me and said “M-where have you been? Whose this?” I explained that I had been in and out the past few weeks for personal issues and that 2 was my daughter. After a very short explanation of my unnecessary whereabouts and 2’s recent hospitalization. They moved away calmly, like requested so I could finish my call. The banker explained that I had made a charge that was “holding funds” because the final purchase receipt wasn’t out of pending and they had put a temporary hold on funds until the purchase was posted. Yay. Ok. What can I do? I moved on to my very irate customer. I made them happy and managed to salvage a bit of their confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, I found out before my return this customer had thrown a huge fit and was yelling and cussing at every employee there. I’m sure she was upset and me getting upset wasn’t going to serve her or I. It’s all about choices or so I am learning. It’s all about thinking before speaking, but not overthinking. It’s a balance.
I got home and 3 who is in the midst of a lot of psychological testing has eaten a BOX of fruit snacks. It’s been a thing recently and something we are working through with her therapist, pediatrician and now a psychologist. I could’ve yelled and screamed, but that’s not making the groceries reappear. Instead we did a project her therapist suggested. Making a box for her to put a few things in so she can know they won’t be eaten before she can get to them. We did that. She decided to paint it. This decision led to a whole other set of issues.
2 is big on boundaries. The oldest kids tend to be. The paint used, that’s 2’s paint. 2 was in the shower and I gave 3 permission to use her paint and paintbrush. Do I wish I hadn’t? Absofuckinglutely. Dysfunctional Mood Disregulation Disorder (DMDD), mixed with Combined Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) make it very hard for 2 to regulate her emotions and sometimes her reactions don’t seem to match the situation as seen by others. She feels things very deeply, is impulsive, brutally honest, and hell knows no fury like 2 when she is upset at you. After she explained how upset she was I tried to be understanding and listen to her complaint with rationality and calmness. I apologized and she was not receptive. Per our intensive therapy I have learned to allow 2 space when she isn’t initially ready to accept and move forward. That’s what I did. She went to dance in the garage and I gave her space. The PPP announced dinner was ready I let her know so we could go to the table and sit. I was hoping some light hearted engagement would help her to move past the blow up over the yellow paint. It was unsuccessful. She refused to eat. She was snapping unnecessarily at everyone who spoke to her. She was glaring and accusatory. She was angry and making sure we all knew why. After dinner she stormed out of the house declaring she needed to walk. I supported that and simply followed behind her at now 10:00 at night speed walking in house shoes. It was a struggle to say the least. I gave her enough distance that if I had to run to her I could but not so much that she felt shadowed, just slightly stalked. Arriving back home she began to settle. I sat with her. Explained that her behavior and reaction I felt was disproportionate to what had happened and asked her for probably the 20th time today “what’s wrong?” There were venom in her words and rage in her eyes. She was beyond angry, she was livid. She began to explain how her boundaries are constantly broken. This led to feeling disconnected to everyone because treatment is taking up a large portion of her time. Then to hurt of not being able to say goodbye to a family member who is dying. There we had it. The roots. She was angry at everyone and she was in a deep amount of pain. She opened up and discussed her problems. I didn’t fight her to do it and yes I became irritated in response to her anger, but I remained as calm as I could and tried to remember that she needed me to remind her I would always be here even when she is going through the shit parts, even when she is pushing me away, even when she is fighting me, even when she screams and yells, hits and kicks and begs me to leave…I won’t. They stuck with me, all three of them are. Until the world blows up…
So why did I write this novel tonight? Good question. It wasn’t just so I could recount my day, I promise. There wasn’t anything in particularly meaningful to the onlookers. Nothing really noteworthy, but to me it was a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I overcame MULTIPLE obstacles. I was tested and tempted to go negative from start to finish. From the alarm clock to the now way past phone time and seemingly going to be another short on sleep night, I chose my words and my actions. I chose positivity. This journey, this challenge served me today and I acknowledge it. I am grateful for it. I could’ve had a fight with 2 and started both of our days off shitty. That wouldn’t have turned back the clock and made her get up any earlier. I could’ve been frustrated with the hospital, instead that was one of 1’s positives “we had fun even though we were lost.” I could’ve been mad I wasted my time when it was closed, but that wouldn’t make it open. I could’ve fussed about the employees not listening, but it would more efficient to teach. I could’ve got mad about my card, but it wouldn’t have been posted any sooner. I could’ve gotten pissed about holding, it wouldn’t make them answer the phone. I could’ve argued with that customer, but it would’ve only heightened her irritation. I could’ve screamed at 3, but she couldn’t change it now. I could’ve ignored 2’s obvious need to talk and gotten angry back at her. This would’ve only solidified her disconnection and feelings. We have choices. All day everyday we decide what energy we are going to use. We decide our attitude. We decide what our response will be. We decide to approach every day hurdles with positivity or negativity. It’s amazing how much things change and how at peace you feel when you choose to not allow negative energy in. Today, I discovered that positivity is a tool used to forge the outcome you desire. It is contagious. It does serve those around me. Positivity is giving me an ability to be more focused on the present and more able to face my challenges as they come head on without as much trepidation.
Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 5
- Completed meditation
- Completed journaling
- Completed scripting
- Reviewed Goals
- Completed Positive Affirmations
- Listened to multiple motivational videos
- Overcame Negativity
- Organized medicine cabinet
- Asked for help
- Today I am grateful for this journey
- Today I am grateful for my love
- Today I am grateful for my threefold
- Today I am grateful for my life
- Today I am grateful for strength
- Today I am grateful for therapy for all
- Today I am grateful to have help
- Today I am grateful for today