My least favorite line that people tend to say about divorce is that it’s the ‘easy’ way out. If you think it’s easy, then please go ahead and get one so you can tell me that again in eighteen months when it’s still being held up in court! I don’t think anyone goes into a marriage planning for divorce. It’s also not an easy decision. You don’t have one fight or one bad day and just up and leave. There are a million fights and a ton of bad days. There is trial and error and failure. It’s not a clear cut decision. Deciding to divorce is agonized about and completely anxiety inducing.
I waited far too long to get divorced. I stayed much longer than I should have. I heard the ‘do it for the kids’ and the ‘you made a vow’. Those words were the ones that kept me in an emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially abusive relationship for too long. I was more worried about disappointing my family. I didn’t want to hurt my kids. I didn’t want to just give up because things got hard. Somewhere in all of the years and through the all the worst times I lost not only my self worth, my self respect, and my whole identity. I couldn’t even see the abuse that was not only being inflicted on me, but that I was complicit in with my threefold.
Looking back now, I don’t even recognize that person. I was just a shell of a person and I had no hope for anything better or different for my threefold and I. It still amazes me that I found the strength within to get out and stay out. I left with nothing other than a small hope that there was something more to life than what I had with him. I had to believe that I could be happy again eventually and that we deserved a chance to find it. I realized that the only way to get there was to leave.
A New Year’s resolution nearly two years ago was my first step towards finding a path forward. My decision was made by a random song on the radio playing ‘radio roulette’ with my threefold. Radio roulette is a game we play where the next song that plays on the radio is ‘your song’ and that’s your theme for the day, night, month, or year. When ‘Lose You to Love Me’ came on I knew exactly in that moment that regardless how silly and laughable our little game was, it was a sign telling me to walk away. I decided that if within six months there wasn’t a massive change, I would leave. Things only deteriorated more rapidly and I walked away after thirteen years, with three boxes, and my threefold. It was the hardest and best decision I’ve had to make, but it was the only choice if my threefold and I ever wanted more than a hand to mouth life filled with candy coated cruelty.
I didn’t hit the door and have some major change instantly happen in my life. Happiness wasn’t waiting for me just outside the door. I didn’t walk into a happily ever after life when I left that day. In fact, I walked into the most challenging year of my life. I walked into a battle for my threefold, for their lives, literally, for my rights, for our freedom. I walked into insecurities in every aspect of life. I was broke and broken. I was starting over and all I wanted was a do over, a chance to do it better.
This past year and a half I discovered one big key element to finding happiness-contentment. Do not confuse contentment with settling, it’s not settling. Contentment is finding satisfaction and the happiness will follow. I’ll always want more for myself and for my family. That determination to always find the happiness in my life won’t stop until I do. However, I am content with knowing that it’s mine to create. The happiness is all around me and it always was inside of me. I’m satisfied knowing there is so much more out there waiting for me to discover. There always was, I just couldn’t see it because I believed the lies that said I wouldn’t have anything, do anything, and I wasn’t worth more than what I had.
After reflecting back nearly two years after making that new year’s resolution to discover myself and find my happiness. I see my growth. Here I am. Happy. I can say that with confidence. I’m happy. It’s not always easy, but it was a choice. I’m now content with my life, but still I am striving for better. I have my threefold, our new blended family, the person I always dreamed of having by my side, but never knew existed and an endless amount of possibilities ahead for all of us.
As I sit preparing my New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, I know that I am capable of amazing feats even amongst the challenges that will be faced in the coming year. I’ve managed to make magic happen out of the misery we once settled with. If I was capable of that throughout this year, next year will be a piece of pie! Those capabilities and that determination didn’t come the decision to leave, it came from the battles I fought along the way in search of my happiness and a better life. I didn’t come this far to back down and I won’t give up on my goals. I’m a bad ass goal getter! You should be one too! Start preparing for your big New Year’s resolutions NOW! I don’t think anyone else is less capable than I am of achieving their goals. You deserve to find your happiness. Look for the good! Stay positive ! You’ve got this! ☮️❤️😊~M
Discharge Day was this week and I’ve never been happier to close a chapter of life than I am this one. We have a long road ahead, but this week we celebrate a big milestone. 2 {the middle child, 13} is ready to transition back to traditional school and into full outpatient aftercare. It’s an amazing accomplishment. D-day marked the 134th day of no self harm behavior. Yes, I will celebrate that day and everything this day means for our family, my threefold, defcon four, the sensational six and for our path forward.
It’s been a hard year. It’s been full of change, stress, hard times, hopelessness & mixed emotions. This year has also shown us that we can conquer all things together. We have amazing people on our side & I am so grateful for each person whether you offered a listening ear, a helping hand, a dollar, a prayer, good vibes, checked in or reached out. It’s been a uniquely challenging year. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. However, we have gotten an education on mental health. We were given a choice to keep hiding in the darkness of shame and fear, hiding the truth of our challenges OR we could step out of that darkness and speak about what has been happening in our lives. I’m glad we chose the latter. That choice has allowed a little light and a lot of humanity to be placed on the struggles some face with mental illnesses and gave a voice to my threefold who have had a difficult time speaking on their feelings.
I was stunned to see how many people on my personal page had a child or grandchild who had a similar struggle they faced behind the closed doors of their homes. Then on my Facebook page for my threefold the messages, comments, and likes came pouring in after I wrote the raw piece about 2’s hospitalization . It’s lonely, hard, helpless and stressful to be the parent of a child with mental health issues and trauma when they go into crisis, then you add in more kids with mental illness, your own, and divorce. I’ve been living in between the rock and the hard place for some time now. I’ve tried to maintain a positive outlook, good attitude and not sink into the depths of depression and anxiety. I will be honest I’m human and I promise I have experienced every human emotion over these past few months.
I realized the why behind the stigma throughout this year as well. It’s not understood and it is often judged harshly. If you say it out loud it must be more for “attention” than reaching out for help. I ask you to educate yourself {and your children} if you have those negative thoughts about those of us who seek help not only professionally but also within the circle of friends. My threefold are only a few in millions of kids that suffer, they aren’t special in their diagnoses. They are unique because our family decided we needed more than just professional support. We needed personal support also. We received that support in many people near and far. We also got the criticism and judgements of other people, strangers, family, and friends. I am grateful for both. I now value my time and role more. I advocate better for my threefold now and I found that I’m not the only mom {chaos coordinator) that is going through a similar situation. I found people I never would have and learned things some may have not felt comfortable sharing. I’ve received a lot of support emotionally, financially, and physically this year. I’ve also changed my own outlook on mental health, mental illness, and began helping others who have reached out to me. I’ve been able to help people with navigating a divorce. I’ve helped people formulate a plan on leaving an abusive relationship. I’ve helped people with mental health struggles. I’ve been an ear for several people that are going through similar struggles. I haven’t been afforded the opportunity to touch people’s lives financially, but I definitely want to create that platform and make a difference in people’s lives. I personally know how financially draining the process is. Without the continued support of family and friends through our fundraising efforts we wouldn’t be where we are today, we wouldn’t be at discharge week.
I won’t let the critics take up space in my life or my energy. I choose today to celebrate 2’s discharge from her hospitalization. I will celebrate the 136 days we have like I did numbers 7, 14, 30, 45, 60 – and so on. Today I will celebrate her decision to fight for herself {to fight with me}. I celebrate the strength, courage, vulnerability, honesty, and faith it took her to commit to a better future. I celebrate going back to school. I celebrate the successful end of treatment that has been continuous since June 6th. I celebrate the hope we have for normalcy. I celebrate this day like it’s another birthday, because in some ways it is exactly that. My child in early June that I checked into an inpatient facility for suicidal thoughts, ideation and attempts is not the same child that I discharged from intensive crisis management. My child is much more than a list of complicated diagnoses and no longer broken down to the point of not seeing a future for herself. She was angry, she was impulsive, she was depressed, she was in a constant state of fear, and she was in pain. Today I picked up my little girl and she cried as we drove away from the facility, more than she did when she was admitted. She was happy to be headed back to a semblance of routine and typical teenage life. She is proud of herself. She finally sees a future. She sees the worth of her own life. She sees the payoff of 4 1/2 grueling months of hospitalization. She sees the path forward. That vision brought me to tears. The relief I felt in actually taking a breath and finally truly believing it’s going to be ok was magical.
Lastly, they may or may not read this but I’m going to do some shout outs…I know, cringeworthy. I don’t do short and sweet, but I’m going to try. {ha} E~my ppp {perky positivity peddler} my rock. You have kept me from losing all the sanity I have left this year. You’ve been the our biggest source of support and encouragement. You’ve picked me up off the floor and have drug me out of the dark place {kicking & screaming} more times than I can count. I know this hasn’t been easy, but I will never be able to express my appreciation, gratitude or my love for you. You were meant to be with me during this, I know it. I love you.
DEFCON Four- 1-you make me smile and are the most caring person I’ve ever known. You made me remember that there is still good. You’re a ray of sunshine that lights up the other people around you. I love you & I am proud of your growth & accomplishments this year. You are becoming a person who has the capability to do anything~better yet YOU finally are seeing that too. 3- my baby, you have made me learn patience. You have made me see things differently. You have challenged me. You’ve also made me realize that even though it’s tough we have to have fun. You make me remember what kind of mom I want to be. I see you my bug, and I see that you want to be the best you. You give it some time, and you’ll grown into it. Keep trying, everything will get better. I love you bug and I hope you always know that. BK {bonus kid} You crack me up! You kept me smiling and checked on me. You helped all the girls. You’re an amazing person. I’m honored to get to be a part of your life. I appreciate you making my threefold your family too. Youre an awesome and beautiful person. I love you. Last but not least 2. Oh my little love, you rocked my world this year and turned it upside down and inside out. You also made me find a strength I didn’t know was in me. I found my grind and my hustle. I found the true meaning of a mother’s love. You made me realize how much I need all of you. I realized that it was time for big changes. They came, ready or not. Your progress and fight has inspired me on many levels. You’re a bad ass. To see your transformation and your dedication to recovery will be a inspiration to all those around you. Thank you for taking the help you received. I am so proud of you. We aren’t threefold, defcon 4, the sensational six when there is a missing piece. This is a marathon not a sprint, but I know together all of us will continue to move forward and find healing.
To everyone who has helped, shared, prayed, commented message or reached out ~ THANK YOU! My girls and their strength is what has gotten me through my own hard times this year. We have all grown exponentially and we are all committed to working to be better each day. I am so proud of my girls and our family. The journey is far from over but we are happy to begin writing the next chapter and with that we hope we don’t only survive it, but we begin to thrive. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everything you have done this year and your support moving forward to the future that these girls deserve. ☮️❤️😊~M
This is going to be emotional and mushy and ooey.gooey.gross. Maybe even cheesy and make people want to vomit, but I don’t care. I talk enough about the real life drama of my threefold and I. It’s time for the prettier side of our lives. A happier side. A life with promises of happily ever after afters, fairytales and magic. It’s not make believe, it’s all real and sometimes I can’t believe it either. I’m happy and head over heels in love! Love is magical and the most beautiful part of life. It’s what I believe it’s all about. The reason. There are so many types of love and I have experienced them all – parental love, first love, friend love, toxic love, familial love, painful love, and then there is true love. That’s my focus today and that’s exactly what I have found.
In the beginning I was scared. I was weary of anyone with pretty words and big promises. I was coming out of a fifteen year toxic, narcissistic, abusive marriage. I’m 37. I have three kids and I have a lot of damage and baggage. Not sure why anyone would want to get into anything more than a little fun with me. My confidence and my identity was nearly nonexistent. I felt I was good at faking it. Inside I was unhappy and unfulfilled in many areas of my life. Why in the world was THIS man pursuing me? That answer is still lost on me. He is attractive, positive, works hard, funny and unapologetically him. I was so attracted to that energy. He made everything fun and was complimentary. He spoke well of others and was committed in everything he did. He gives his all into everything he does. I was intrigued by a person who seemed so happy, confident and at ease. I resisted at first, the advances, only showing my interest by flirting back and forth. I threw away his phone number but I’m a person who remembers things and his was too easy for me to just forget. I held off and didn’t text him. I didn’t save it in my phone. Weeks went by and he just wouldn’t give up. Finally on a Sunday afternoon I texted him. We texted for hours. The texts began daily and then started my day. I was like a teenage girl full of exhilarated by the easy conversation and very quickly realized that we were a lot alike. He had been divorced for a long time and was coming out of a rather toxic relationship with a long time girlfriend. He has a daughter, just one that’s right in the middle of the two oldest of my threefold. He was sweet and considerate. I found myself having fun again and learning new things about myself and what I wanted in a relationship eventually.
Text messages turned to stolen kisses and sneaky hot make out sessions. Meet up arrangements were served for lunch or after work just to have a quick kiss before heading back to the real world of life. We kept our kids in the dark and didn’t want to get them involved immediately. We kept work professional and kept friends hidden away. We were each other’s secret that we kept from the world around us. It was easy and we didn’t commit to anything more than a few nights of walking in a neighborhood, sitting in parking lots and window shopping. In the easy, I was comfortable, open but still highly guarded. I was allowed to decide how much of myself I wanted to give or to show.
I found out his birthday was rolling around and I wanted to do something big! I got excited and nervous, not sure how it would work out. I was realizing I had either rebounded and tricked myself into believing we would be more when we were both ready or I was actually starting to fall for this guy despite of my attempts to not go there at the time. I had an appointment out of town on the day after his birthday. I didn’t have much time to plan so I decided to ask him if he wanted to go to the beach with me that weekend. We hadn’t done anything intimate and I was scared to death that I was moving too fast. After all, my divorce wasn’t final and even though I was firm in my decision to leave my husband at that time and knew that our marriage had been over for a long time, I was scared I could be making a decision that could cost me in court. I gave in to the desire to see if this man who had begun to take up a big chunk of my time when I didn’t have my threefold was worth the risk I was continuing to take. I was terrified at what he would say or that he would flake out last minute even after he agreed. He took time off from work and decided to spend 2 nights with me and 16 hours in a car round trip for his birthday. I was nervous, excited, anxious, and completely ready to see what would unfold in those 2 uninterrupted days where we had nothing to focus on but each other. It was more than I could’ve imagined it would be and if I was unsure before then what I found on that trip was assurance that I was right about this one. He was falling for me and I was falling for him. I was more scared and more on cloud nine than I had ever been in my life. I wasn’t ready, not even a little bit, but ready or not it happened.
This is on our wall. I wrote it for my man. ~M
In the months to follow we continued in secret but began being more involved from a distance. We were committed to one another, but due to where we were in our lives, and especially where I was in mine we decided it was best to remain safe in our secrecy. Very few people knew this man existed in my life. Then seemingly all at once I decided it had been long enough. We did an informal meeting with the kids, his and mine, at a Halloween party. It went as smoothly as possible. Though my youngest two were reluctant and didn’t really feel ready for me to have a friend who was a male. I was patient with them. I understood their position. I continued to see him in secret and we had “ninja night” and our own special secret rendezvous plans while I began to slowly incorporate that I was going to date him into my threefolds’ minds. By Thanksgiving everyone knew even if we didn’t say it out loud. We began having outings together with our children included. It was going great and seemed to be exactly what it needed to be and at the pace they were comfortable with. I was happy and they could see that, maybe for the first time.
Then my world fell apart and my other half was not there when it all went so bad in my personal life. My daughter, 2, was admitted inpatient for suicidal thoughts and self harm behaviors. I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I cried in my room for hours, and I just wanted to fix it and make her pain stop and make my guilt disappear. I wanted to go into my own dark place and suffer with her. I couldn’t, I had to be strong and I needed to be the mom my threefold needed me to be. I began to push away from the man who was trying so hard to be there for me in the only way he could at the time. I didn’t want to lose focus on my threefold and they needed me more than ever. I gave him every reason to leave. I told him to “take the out” that he deserved someone that could give him all of themselves and I couldn’t be that person. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just walk away. I wasn’t going to hold it against him. He refused to accept the offer of a less complicated and easier life for himself. He decided that he would be with me through whatever was to come. He never wavered. He was steady and patient. He loved me as much as I would let him and through my resistance.
I moved into my new home and I was excited to have 2 join me. Then 1 and then 3. We made that house a home. We didn’t take but a few boxes of personal belongings from our old life and we began to start over, fresh. Our lives were finally seeming to move forward and we were able to spend our first Christmas together in our new home. I wish I. Could say we lived happily ever after, but the truth is starting over is hard. We had to become more aware of each other and the needs we had individually and as a whole. We were healing, growing, changing, and adapting to a new way of life. In the background of my life was a man waiting for me to be able to give him everything he was giving to me. I struggled as I wanted to be able to give him everything, but I still felt like my threefold would need all of me. I was conflicted and felt guilty about feeling like it would be selfish for me to choose to be happy or if it would be detrimental to a future I could have if I continued to push away from a man that seemed to be everything I had ever hoped to have. I searched for red flags to tell me this relationship was doomed so I could make my decision easier. I picked fights and pushed back harder. I wanted to force the ending that I had imagined would happen if I allowed myself to stay in this relationship. There he stood, taking everything I threw at him and stayed by my side regardless of my attempts to destroy it. He loved me. I still couldn’t see why.
After some time I decided with my therapist that it was time I made space for this man in my life. It was time I take chances and that the risk of being hurt was never going to vanish. He deserved and earned a place in my life. He had done exactly what he said every step of the way. He set out to show me he was different and it was time that I acknowledged. I didn’t have to understand his reasons, but that I couldn’t be half in and half out. He had been committed to making me happy and being whatever I needed him to be each day. I needed to return that commitment and decide to allow myself to be happy. I would never be able to control whether he would hurt me, but I began to realize that I was hurting myself by giving up on our future if I didn’t at least take the leap into faith that in fact he could be the exact person who was meant to be with me. I was so scared and so insecure in myself. I was still healing and so unsure, but I decided to take that jump and try to move forward.
Over those next few months, there was a lot of adjusting. I realized that I was far from perfect and still very broken. I stayed guarded and protected myself and my threefold above all else. I was still scared of what the future would bring. In the moments where I could free myself from the anxiety and overwhelming fear of messing it up I was happier than I had ever been. I was able to be me. I was loved for that and accepted just as I was. There was no expectations, no eggshells, no disapproval, and no spiteful or nasty name calling. It was pure in those moments. I was relaxed and carefree. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was lost in love and it was easy. Things were different. I didn’t feel the weight of everything as heavy as I had before. I began to allow walls to come down. I was in the now. I was present. I was thriving in every area of my life. I was excited and ready to make the big steps and do the hard work to move forward.
Then out of no where it all came back again. I was on a high that seemed would never end and suddenly it’s like my whole life came to a crashing halt reminding me that you can’t predict the future. 2 was in crisis again and after my every attempt to keep her safe and make her feel the love and support she was still very much unable to move past her trauma and move forward. She felt like nothing was going to ever get better. She had struggled as she felt guilty for setting boundaries with her father and felt unable to cope with the emotional turmoil in her life. The past was bound and determined to keep her and she felt if she was unable break free from it she would set herself free in the only way she knew would make the pain end forever. She was readmitted to the hospital and again I felt alone in my struggle to save one of my threefold from herself and from our tumultuous past. I wanted to fix it and I couldn’t find my magic wand. This wasn’t a pain that would end because mommy kissed it and made it better. This was not a scraped knee or a broken bone that would mend in a few weeks or months. There were no surgeries. There were no cures. There were no guarantees. I could only hope and pray that my decisions were being made in accordance to what was recommended by her mental health team and that those decisions would be made with her best interest at the top of mind.
I don’t have all the answers and love doesn’t fix everything. Sometimes it’s not enough. I’m twelve weeks in to 2’s inpatient journey this year. I’ve had breakdowns, I’ve lost sleep, weight, money and peace worrying about the future for my threefold and for myself and for the man that my threefold and I have grown to love and depend on during the past year. My threefold have accepted him fully as a new addition to our lives and they now tell him daily they love him too. They have made room for a man and made room for another sister. We are learning all of us that our family is unique and that we can lean on one another for guidance, support, help and mostly we are learning to love.
Regardless of what life throws at me and what argument we have, disagreements are present, or the hurt that we can inflict on each other we find a way back to the love. We find comfort there. In the midst of everything going on there is always a silver lining if we only choose to see it. We aren’t perfect people. We are however the perfect people for one another. So true love and soulmates exist. Fairytales and romance movies or novels are stories but they can also be present in reality. Choosing love is worth the risk of a broken heart. Being with someone who stands by you and loves you through the ups and the downs regardless of if it’s the best of times or the worst is unconditional love. I am grateful I took a leap of faith and allowed myself to choose happiness. I’ve never been more in love or felt more loved than I have this year. When it felt like everything would fall apart and I couldn’t make myself see the silver lining I am so thankful that the man in my life chose to show me the way. I call him PPP because he is the perky positivity peddler and he always sees his way to the good in all things especially me and my threefold. I am learning, growing, healing, and changing still, we all are, but this year made me see that we are going to have a long journey ahead. The bad may keep happening and our past may be testing us all, but in the love we share we have a direction forward. We are prepared and ready to take on the world and rule that world, unicorn style!
This was my first attempt at not only recording a video in real time, but also taking the raw footage of that video and editing it to customize it and make it cohesive. I was nervous filming it, thus my shakiness that is visible in the video. I am more nervous making it public, even though I maintained my anonymity in respect to our unique situation and out of respect for my threefold as we have endured trauma and are trying to heal that trauma.
I can’t pretend that letting people, the world, in on my dark and hidden truth behind my push for positivity is easy. I am beyond scared that people will judge me and doubt my intentions for this video as anything less than genuine attempt to show that there is good everywhere and that all we have to do is open our eyes and see it.
I wasn’t going to share it. I just wanted to have it for myself and for my family as a way to show them that everything works out even if it’s in ways you don’t expect it to. Shine light on the shadows of your life and in turn your truth will become someone else’s way to do the same. We are going through all of this and we’re meant to be on this journey for a reason. One day, we will know what the plan and purpose for our journey was for. Until then we cling to faith, hope, peace, love, happiness and positivity. That’s how we heal and move forward. I hope you enjoy this and appreciate the good around you everyday!
