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ATTN: To Whom It May Concern: The Shit has Hit the Fan!

Excuse the interruption to your daily scheduled post “Journey to Positivity: Day 7” This post is sponsored by “UNCLE!” Please stay tuned for our newest series entitled “Fuck this shit, I’m out!” and “The Rock and the Hard Place”. From bad to good to great and to awful. That’s the rollercoaster of life. It’s hoping and praying that you can withstand the whiplash and battle through the motion sickness and just learn to enjoy the ride. I’m so tired of hearing “You’re so strong!” “You’re so brave!” “You’re doing everything you can!” and all the other lies and bullshit people spew on you when you are struggling and they don’t know what to say or how to relate. “Keep Going, it can only go up from here!” That’s a damn lie! It can get worse and it has and there is no amount of meditation, motivational speaking, positivity preaching, scripting shit that’s going to make me see anything other than the negatives today. I’m there. I’m in the dark place. The electricity is out and they aren’t coming to turn it back on tonight. All I have is a Bic lighter that burns my fingers when I try have any light at all. I’m at the bottom. I’m in the trench waving my white flag begging for help and realizing that I’m THE HELP!

So let’s jump right into the nitty gritty and see what tidbits of inspiration we can find for the mom who is falling apart while trying to hold it all together. Shall we? I think we shall. I woke up late after staying up most of the night worried about 2. If you’ve read previous posts you know 2 struggles with mental illness. She has what she says is every mental disorder with a ‘D’ that is listed in the ICD-10-CM. That’s obviously a stretch. I don’t have the patience tonight to spell it out she has DMDD, MDD, GAD, SAD, ADHD, ODD, and C-PTSD. They have long names but I’m just not there right now mentally myself to give you the long versions. Google it. 2 self harms by cutting herself with any sharp she can get her hands on. It’s been a battle. We have been actively in therapy (outpatient) since 2020. She’s had two inpatient stays in the past year. Partial hospitalization is where we have been the past month. This consists of weekdays from 8:30-3:30. She also struggles with suicidal ideation, thankfully with no attempts but she does make plans. She has suicide notes written and locked away. It is an active struggle for her to be happy and to regulate emotions or her mood. We all struggle with mental illness, all 4 of us, myself included. Today, I received a call at work. I stepped away to take it. It was 2’s treatment facility asking about last night. (See previous post) I explained my version of events. I noted her positive attempts to correct and redirect and that we went to bed on a much better note after a lengthy discussion. They told me that the doctor and therapist and the supervisor would be reaching out to me. Yay, another day filled with a million interruptions, but I was thankful to be updated on what was going on. A little later her therapist reached out and explained that 2 had expressed suicidal thoughts with a plan and was having a large number of self harm urges. They were going to formulate a plan and they would be in touch. Of course I assumed we would probably be looking at a 3rd inpatient stay and started mentally prepping for that as the outcome. The case manager calls from our insurance company. The hospital hadn’t submitted an extension request and today was to be her last “covered” day for PHP. With this in mind I was thinking they had a review today and would be submitting the request later in the day. I was trying to be positive. I got a phone call with a medication increase. Expected, upping the antidepressant. Alrighty. We just did this, but I’m not a doctor so I’m just going to roll with it and do what they say (within reason). By 3:00 I’m going to get 2 from treatment. Confused because I never got any additional follow up. 2 gets in and says the day hadn’t been bad. I broke down in a mess of tears right then. I was just barely holding it together when the phone rang. I answered. It was the hospital. They were calling with an update on their recommendation for further treatment for 2. “Here it comes. Get ready M. The blow is going to sting. You will get through this. It’s going to be okay. You are safe. SHE IS SAFE. You’ve got this.” My head was trying to remind me over and over. Then came the blow. “Residential care is what we are recommending.” I can’t breathe. I have to pull over on the side of the interstate in 4:00pm traffic because I can no longer see through my tears. “30-90 days to start.” What in the actual fuck was happening? They want me to commit my kid? My kid. My blonde haired blue marble ocean eyed daughter who has an amazing smile and has my sense of humor, an amazingly huge heart and an honesty that is so brutal. My kid. I was stunned and became completely overwhelmed. Why? I don’t understand. She is getting better. She is doing better. What the fuck!?!? I’m confused. Instant panic ensues and 2 is next to me probably thinking someone died or some other catastrophic event has happened. I pulled it together and made it down the road and home.

“You Are the Reason” Calum Scott

Tonight has been a whirlwind. I stopped taking emergency anxiety medication a while back, but thankfully I had stashed just a few “in case of emergency” I am so thankful I did. 0.25mg of Xanax. A super small dose. In the midst of my third panic attack I decided I would never rest tonight and couldn’t cry every time I saw her sweet face, heard her voice saying “Momma!” in her very exaggerated southern accent, or heard her name spoken by 1 or 3. I’m going to miss this kid so much. 10 days is the longest we’ve been apart and that was her first inpatient stay. She takes up so much space, in the best ways! She is loud and rambunctious. She is obnoxious and inappropriate. Impulsive and argumentative. Opinionated and brutally honest. Hilarious and so damn cute. She is dancing and painting. Always talking about random bits of information. She is into serial killers and crime documentaries. She is playing soccer or cooking. She is a force of nature. I can’t believe it’s nearly midnight and I’ve cried to the point my eyes are swollen. I’m over this. Mental illness fucking blows. She is 13, and like her inpatient psychiatrist said “she shouldn’t have to fight herself to be happy.” She has so much life in her. She has such a big heart and a huge personality. It amazes me that my little girl is such a strong and good person, but it equally makes me so incredibly sad and like a failure that she doesn’t value what everyone around her sees. She can’t see herself through my eyes. That big personality, full of life, bright eyed, beautiful, amazing, strong, sweet, inclusive, loving child only sees the faults. Only sees the negative. She feels pain, sadness, disappointment, grief, anxiety and no amount of my wishing, hoping or praying can fix that for her. I’ve been fired from being her parent and support for the next 30-90 days. I have to now be in the background and be only an extra in her life. I’m so incredibly sad. I’m so incredibly scared. I’m so incredibly lost. I’m not sure where to go from here.

“To Make You Feel My Love” Adelle

As I was crying my eyes out after panic attack #3 tonight when 2 comes and sits next to me. She looks at me and says “I’m sorry momma. I love you. We’ve been through worse. We will get through this. I will go. I will get the help I need and the right medications to help me. I will get out and go back and finish PHP, then IOP, then back to K-Christ Lord and Savior. And we will never have to do this again. I will never need to go back again. This is the last time.” With all my heart and soul I hope that’s true 2. I really really do. We can’t have threefold without you kid! You are central to it. What is 1 and 3 without 2? This is my complete and utter wish on every star, with every fiber in my being, with every piece of me I hope that my sweet blue eyed girl gets help. Can come back home soon and be with us, her family, and have healed her pain to the point she can live a full and happy life. That she can be free of the chains of our past and never doubt her place in this world again. I pray to every god that has ever been prayed to that my child finds peace and self acceptance and values herself and her life. I would take that pain and hurt from her or any of my threefold a million times over if I knew they would be safe, happy, and find a peace within themselves.

“My Wish” Rascal Flatts
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Journey to Positivity: Day 3

Hello lovely people! I hope you had an amazing day full of love, positivity, and fulfillment! I am awesome. Day three is a complete success. I am rocking this journey and completed committed to surrendering to the process of being positive. Yes, I know it all sounds so cheesy and so incredibly cringy. It is. I am accepting that part of being a perky positivity peddler is that I have to be perky AND positive. Part of being those things is accepting the cheesy and sometimes cringy mantras that set me up for a successful journey. It’s a process!

Today has been just as I scripted it to be with only a few little hurdles. Scripting is the process of laying out exactly what you want each day and how you envision your day, your life, anything and everything to go. It’s setting your intentions for the day. You can speak them or write them. Of course, writing them is the most helpful and effective for me (go figure) but then I also read them aloud when I am finished writing. Scripting has helped me to manifest my day and allowed me to start the day off with the best intentions. It gives me a fresh perspective on what I plan to accomplish, how I feel, and my interactions with the people in my life.

This was my actual scripting from this morning from my personal journal. #personalmusings

Just so I am accountable I did get off the phone by 11:15pm last night. I was in bed by 12:00am. I stayed in bed. I slept for eight (EIGHT) hours. I did wake up several times but not fully, more of the toss and turn. I woke up feeling refreshed and with only a hint of anxiety and negativity in my head. Of course I didn’t give in to it. I simply brushed off the sleepy haze and started my morning as I had intended to do. I have noticed that I am far more anxious in the morning and more prone to having negative thoughts. I’m not sure why other than I have not been a “morning” person as long as I can remember. I’m the type of person that needs to time to fully wake up and begin my day, get my caffeine levels back up and mentally get sorted out before speaking to other people. I am going find some tip or trick to improve this. I woke up about 8:00am with the PPP telling me goodbye as he was leaving for work. With a kiss goodbye and some grumblings about him not sleeping well I began feeling like he might be starting his day off in a not so positive way. I could feel myself ready to match the energy. I decided it would be best to encourage him. In PPP fashion after a few texts that reminded him of how capable he was of overcoming lack of sleep, power outages at work, bad traffic, and just a case of the blahs he began to agree he was not going to let anything keep him down. I patted myself on the back for being encouraging and supportive in a positive way. I know that could’ve gone differently for both of us.

No work for me today! Its Saturday! Ahhh! Yes! The day of rest! A day I can spend some quality time with myself. As much much as I love my threefold and the PPP, I have grown to enjoy having time to myself. Saturday is a day of family, focus, and fun! Not having to meet a deadline or have time restrictions inherits me the opportunity to begin my day with as much work on my journey as I feel warranted. So this morning I spent about 2 hours focusing on my mindset and setting myself up for a positive and wonderful day. I did my make up, made myself cute, and took some pictures to remind myself I am beautiful. I like looking good it makes me feel confident. I took my threefold to the store and I had quite a bit of anxiety. Public places have been known to get me worked up especially when I have the whole crew with me. I fell into it. I could feel my mood shifting and myself allowing the anxiety and negativity settle in. My muscles became tense. My face I’m sure looked like I was mad. I got quiet. My threefold wanted to go into another store. I said they could but decided I needed to skip the next one. I went and sat in the car out front of the store. I turned on a “quick calm” meditation and sat back in my seat and closed my eyes. The crew came back to the car and I turned the music up and sang the whole way home. It helped. When I got home I snuggled up next to the PPP and relaxed for a few minutes. Then I began working on collecting what I wanted to include on my vision board. That improved my mood and vibe quite a bit! I was glad to have found my way out of that funk I was headed for. I had a few moments here and there where I caught myself thinking in a more negative way. Each time I tried to remember that those feelings weren’t serving anyone especially me and I would shake them off an move forward. For this I was proud of myself.

Accomplishments and Gratitude List: Day 3

  • I woke up at 8(ish) ✅
  • I meditated successfully. ✅ I’ve found breaking up the meditation into smaller chunks helps me to focus and stay more present. Over time I will be able to increase my time. It’s about quality not quantity!
  • I journaled my intentions for the day and scripted what I wanted to manifest for the day. ✅
  • I completed my positive affirmations ✅
  • I watched a few motivational videos today. ✅
  • I looked over my goals for the month and the remainder of the year ✅
  • I blogged today. ✅
  • I began thinking about and researching some new things to try. ✅
  • Today I am grateful for my journey.
  • Today I am grateful for my love
  • Today I am grateful for my family
  • Today I am grateful for time alone
  • Today I am grateful for my boss
  • Today I am grateful for my day off
  • Today I am grateful for my focus
  • Today I am grateful for motivation
  • Today I am grateful for my blog
  • Today I am grateful for second chances
  • Today I am grateful for my life
  • Today I am grateful for overcoming negativity
  • Today I am grateful for sleep
  • Today I am grateful for relaxation
  • Today I am grateful for everything I have
  • Today I am grateful for kitten snuggles
  • Today I am grateful for healing

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Wellness Challenge: July 21 Days to Positivity

I’ve decided to take on the advice of my fearless “live laugh love leader” (aka my therapist) to complete some daily tasks, in hopes of making them into a routine. As an experienced a$$ kisser, I have taken it a step further and decided I needed to challenge myself to focus everyday on my journey to wellness. Congrats! I’ve chosen you to be my accountability team! Get excited! Join in and keep me posted on your progress. It would be awesome to see some other people out there interested in doing this too. I’ve been lackadaisical about doing my “homework” assignments my therapist gives me in the past. I figured, if I wrote it and shared this challenge, I would actually be more likely to complete it, because I am not a fan of public humiliation (or am I?) or failure.

If you’ve read some of my previous posts you’ve seen I struggle with C-PTSD, ADD, anxiety, and depression. I have a REALLY difficult time staying positive and not letting my mind completely take over. It has been extremely draining for me mentally and emotionally because I have to actively make myself be positive and not go to the worst case scenario. It effects my personal feelings and outlook as well as all of the relationships in my life. I would never want to be seen as using my multiple diagnoses as an excuse to behave badly, or use it as a crutch. It’s definitely a hurdle. One that I think many people don’t fully understand or one they choose not to recognize. I also think there are more people than I realize that struggle with keeping positive outlooks for one reason or another. I recognize that I am healing and working to be the best version of me. That’s what I want this journey to be about, not a particular diagnosis, but a way to help me better manage the symptoms of my diagnoses and be the best me I can be!

What does MY wellness challenge look like? Well I am a firm believer in that any repeated behavior or action becomes a habit. Whether good or bad, a repeated behavior is something that we end up continuing almost ritualistically. Whether it’s that you ALWAYS get up and exercise before starting your day or if it’s that you bite your nails when you are nervous. These things become habitual and engrained into our lives and routines. It would be hard to stop those things if you did them regularly. I am hoping this will be true with my little wellness challenge. I am also hoping it has a positive influence and impact on my threefold. We shall see!

This will be a 21-day challenge for July. On 7/22/21 I will see where I am in my journey, how my life has changed, and if come 7/23/21 if I feel this is something that should be continued as more of an everyday routine. I will be asking myself What worked? What didn’t? What was modified? How was my anxiety? What was my mood like? Did I have more motivation at the beginning and start slacking towards the end or did I follow through? What pieces are important to carry into my day to day routine?

Why 21 days? I chose 21 days because it’s scientifically proven that it takes 21 days to develop a new habit or to break an old one. I am also not so great at the follow through. I want big things but I don’t always put in the effort to get them. There is no fairy god mother, it’s time for me to grow up and get up by putting in the work.

The 21 Day Positivity Challenge:

The following are the actions I plan to take in the next 21 days to become a more positive person. Beginning 7/1 Ending 7/22:

  • Wake up at morning at 6:30 am M-F and by 9:00 am on the weekends.
    • PRO: This will allow me time to mentally prepare for my day and accomplish the remainder of my goals for the day.
    • CON: I have a hard time falling asleep at night, but once asleep I LOVE to sleep. I usually set multiple alarms and get out of bed in just enough time to throw on my clothes and put a brush through my hair.
  • Begin each morning and end each night with 5-15 minutes of meditation. 20 minutes total or more each day.
    • PRO: This sets me in a mind frame of letting go of anything weighing on my mind and allows me to focus on the present moment. Clearing my mind of my to do list.
    • CON: ADD makes this practice extremely difficult for me. Sometimes it is counterproductive as instead of clearing my mind it allows the anxiety to creep in and overtake the session.
  • Journal how I see my day playing out including how I will feel, how I will respond, who I will interact with, and what I will be doing.
    • PRO: mentally prepared me for the day and gives me expectations to meet.
    • CON: could be a potential set up for failure. (surely my more positive outlook will help me to see the bright side!)
  • Watch 1 motivational video or listen to a motivational speaker once per day.
  • Do positive affirmations 3 times per day
  • Script once per day. Scripting is writing in the present that all of your dreams have come to fruition and scripting out your day as if you are living in that reality currently.
  • Get in and STAY in bed from midnight to morning M-F (unless I have to pee or a kid needs me) Weekends no later than 2 am and only if being actively productive. No up and down. No late night extravaganza. No blogging until 3am.
  • Turn my phone on do not disturb after 11:00 pm M-F to allow for time for my brain to relax.
  • Week 1: Make a list of goals for the month, week and year. Look at it often to stay motivated.
  • Week 1: Make a vision board of all my life dreams and aspirations. Include inspirations and dream BIG!
  • Pay attention to physical health. Drink more water and do something active for 30 minutes each day in addition to work.
  • Try something new. Anything at least twice. Find something to do and do it.
  • Make a date with myself and keep it. 1 hour minimum. That’s it. Do something solo. Not a trip to the grocery store. Do something nice for myself and not feel guilty about it.
  • Make time for blogging daily achievements and failures.
  • Remove negativity from my life as much as possible including people, places and things. Unfriend or unfollow any person or group that feeds into negative self talk or triggers anxiety on social media.
  • Plan a family outing and follow through.
  • Family dinner five nights per week or more.
  • Create a budget and stick to it. Save money and don’t spend it.
  • Dance it out at least once per week.
  • Make a date with my man and follow through a night for just us without DEFCON 4.
  • Keep my room straight and orderly. Peaceful. A place to relax.

This is a pretty hefty list and I definitely want to accomplish all of these things so I am going to do my best. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress, it’s about trying something different. It’s about seeing what I love and has the ability to help me. Also, what maybe works for others but doesn’t work necessarily for me and my life. I hope anyone who wants to join in does! If not that’s ok, read along, laugh and see if I can be promoted to a perky positivity peddler or at least accept a part time position in the peddling of positivity. Feel free to tell me if you do something that works amazing for you that I need throw in or if I missed something you feel is an important factor to consider. Also if you join in do what works for you! This isn’t some copy and paste, tried and true way of becoming a more positive person or better version of yourself. This is just me as a busy mom with too much overthinking and a lot of bad habits of going to the dark side that is just trying to make some changes. I’m NOT an expert! I’m not qualified to give advice, hell I didn’t even take psychology in high school let alone college! I took creative writing though! I’m just an imperfect person in search of a better me and finding a path to more positivity! And so it begins…