I could lie, but I’m just going to be straight up and honest. My day 1 was mostly a bust. My head is still spinning and my thoughts are racing. Day 1 should be where all the motivation is. It’s the beginning, I should be the most excited on day 1. I’m not. I’m disappointed in myself. I let the negativity win today. I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for jumping into and meeting such high expectations of myself. It sucks. However, I do know all the places I went wrong.
I went to bed about 4:30am (ish), heavy on the ish. Not the best start considering I was supposed to be at work at 6:30am. I shouldn’t have even gone to sleep, but I wanted to rest for a minute even it was just relaxing. The exhaustion won and I guess i just shut down. I don’t remember turning off my alarm at 5:30am, but I did. At 7:00am I woke up and realized there wasn’t much point in trying to go in early. I tried to go ahead with the plan. I did a 10 minute meditation, but I was unable to focus on it. I couldn’t get my mind to clear. I journaled my intentions for the day. That wasn’t a difficult task. I did listen to the motivational speakers on the way to take 2 to treatment and on my drive in to work. Stumbling in a couple of hours past schedule, with only a couple of hours of sleep was enough to put me in a uphill battle against my own motivation.
I was fading and unfocused. I was lagging, I was taking too long to do stuff I knew how to do. By noon, I had a coffee, a coke and a 5 hour trying to try to keep me in the zone and focused on the tasks at hand. I managed to sell, complete my work, update customers, but I was definitely having a harder time keeping up and taking far longer than normal to complete the tasks I needed to. I pulled it off, and come 3pm I was headed to pick up 2. I did positive affirmations with a focus on ridding myself of anxiety and negativity on the way there and listened to a Ted talk on my way back to the office. I finished out my day and managed to not go off on anyone, get snappy, or jack anything up. So those are positives!
Once I left work I could feel the exhaustion settling in. I was becoming more irritable. I was definitely anxious and unfocused. My least favorite thing is to feel like I have 100% to strangers at work and that I was unable to give that same effort to my family. Work can drain me though because it feels like I have to plaster on the smile and amp up my positivity to do my job. By the time I get home I’m done with the fake and ready to settle in my feelings and decompress. Unfortunately that decompression is where I lose my “fake happy” and the true feelings show up. The frustration, the anxiety, the irritation, and the overall mood shift just makes me quiet and introspective. I really need to figure out the balance. I hate feeling like this and I know everyone is picking up on this energy. That’s why I’m doing this! That’s my motivation to feel better and to not pass on the disease of negativity to everyone around me.
It really is hard to get out of my own way and get out of my own head. I just didn’t have the energy today. I will try again tomorrow. I will do better tomorrow. I will be successful tomorrow. I am worth my own effort. I am worthy of my own time. I am not a prisoner to my past or to my future. I am free from my mistakes. I am working hard to change my life. I am healing. I am present. And so it is.
Accomplishments and Gratitude List for Day 1:
- I REALLY wanted to call in to work. I went anyway and got a lot accomplished.
- I am in the top 10 in the company this week for sales as of today.
- I attempted meditation.
- I completed 26 minutes straight of positive affirmations.
- I listened to 30 minutes of motivational videos today.
- I journaled my intentions for the day.
- I completed my goals for July 2021
- I completed my goals for the remainder of 2021. I scripted and am manifesting where I am going to be in my journey by January 1, 2022
- I did another 30 minutes of positive ‘I am’ affirmations.
- I danced it out and sang (badly) until I couldn’t hear my head over my music and my own voice.
- I cooked dinner for the family (it was bussin’ or so I hear!)
- I was able to smile and enjoy the family during dinner.
- I gave myself a break from being perfect.
- I am being honest about my struggles.
- I never gave up and said the c word (can’t) when I knew everything wouldn’t be completed today. I still worked towards meeting the goals I knew I still could achieve today.
- I am reframing my mind set to say tomorrow is an opportunity to do better than today. I am giving myself grace.
- I am thankful for my family.
- I am thankful for my work.
- I am thankful for the chance to try again.
- I am thankful for this blog and my ability to express myself freely here.